Aching To Exhale

by Debra Kayn

  Thirty minutes later, he spotted his first Bantorus member tagging behind them. Two miles later, six Bantorus riders fell in behind him, taking the off ramp, and entering Pitnam. He pulled over and cut the engine. The other riders were taking no chances. He was surrounded.

  "Hey." Raul recognized the man on the gray softtail. "Slade, right?"

  The Bantorus VP nodded, but gave nothing away. His mouth remained firm and the scar at his brow stood out even with the lack of lighting in the area.

  "Yeah." Slade glanced at Crystal. "What's your business?"

  Raul chuckled, but he wasn't feeling any amusement. "Traveling, man. Thought we'd stop for the night and while we're here my woman wanted to say hello to your president and get a bite to eat at the bar."

  Slade's lip curled. "That isn't going to happen."

  "I'll argue that point." He pulled off his gloves and set them on the gas tank of his motorcycle. "Why don't you give your president a call, and let him know we're in town and when we'll be arriving."

  Slade looked behind Raul and nodded at one of the other men. Raul kept his gaze on the road, and off the riders. He wasn't afraid to fight his way in if for some reason Slade denied them permission to enter Bantorus territory.

  "Raul?" Crystal whispered. "Maybe this is a bad idea."

  He half turned on the seat, fisted her hair, and brought her close enough he could put his lips on her ear. "Relax. Trust me."

  "But, Rain doesn't—"

  He brushed her cheek with his lips, and captured her mouth. Not giving her a choice, he forced her lips to open and kissed her deeply with his tongue. Damned if his balls didn't tighten at the taste of her.

  Sitting on the side of the road, surrounded by Bantorus members, his fate in his hands, and he had the urge to take Crystal on his bike in front of everyone. He broke away, softening the kiss with nibbles on her bottom lip. Jesus, he needed one fucking day to escape his life so he could show her exactly how he felt about her.

  Slade stepped up to him on the motorcycle and held out the edge of his jacket, showing a well-used, but cared for, 38 special. "Rain granted you permission to ride directly to Cactus Cove."

  A smile came easily, rubbing the win in Slade's face. "Well, isn't that nice of him?—he turned to Crystal—looks like the reunion you wanted is going to happen, mi vida."

  Crystal stiffened. He patted her thigh to keep her quiet. "Lead on, boys."

  Slade remained standing beside him. "I don't know what the hell you have planned, but you so much as raise your hand to touch a Bantorus, a woman owned by Bantorus, or anyone within our territory, and we'll bury you and your bitch."

  "Understood, amigo. I'm just an old friend visiting and saying hey." Raul started the engine.

  Once again, surrounded with riders, Raul rode into Pitnam with Crystal on the back of his motorcycle. The tension eased from his shoulders, and he looked forward to catching up with the Brookshires. He flexed his fingers and fought a smile. Nah, he couldn't wait to see Tori again.

  The last time he was around Tori, he'd taken a bullet for her, and returned fire on Ethan Cramwell, saving her life. He sped up, pushing the other riders to go faster. One of the sweetest women he knew, Tori's recovery bothered him on many levels, and he wanted to see for himself how she was doing.

  First, he had to figure out a way to keep the truth from Crystal, find time to talk with Rain, and discover a way to keep Crystal safe while he dealt with Guillermo Garcia. Just another fucking day in his life.

  Chapter Eleven

  Ushered through the backdoor of Cactus Cove—normally, she'd admit the bar was a cool biker bar— and into Rain Brookshire's office, Crystal stood in shock.

  Rain and Tori paid all attention to Raul, who they seemed to have missed for reasons not making any sense to her.

  Never in her wildest dreams had she ever imagined a reason for returning to Pitnam or facing her ex-boyfriend and his wife? Crystal stared at the woman she'd harassed when she tried to get Rain to pay attention to her and warn him about Ethan.

  "Damn good to see you two," Raul said.

  Rain grinned. "Thought you'd be dead by now."

  "Everyone keeps trying to take me out, but I've stayed alive this long." Raul winked. "Every day I sit on my bike, I thank Harley Davidson."

  Their voices blended, and all she could do was hold on to Raul and hope he snapped out of whatever delusional dream he was having and get her the hell out of there. She snuck another glance at Tori. There was something different about her, besides the freaking huge diamond on her ring finger.

  Tori still looked the same. Long blonde hair, cute Harley Davidson Tee—jeweled out across her chest, and worn jeans with a pair of kick-ass biker boots fit her sweet image. Crystal glanced down and couldn't hide her surprise. Okay, some things have changed. She didn't have four-inch black boots on, but riding boots with a thick sole and three buckles around the ankle and a skull etched along the side. Maybe goody too shoes had a little bad in her after all.

  Crystal could see the skull, because Tori remained sideways, leaning against Rain, her hand sprawled on his rock hard stomach as if she owned him. Crystal looked away. She understood the message Tori delivered. Rain was hands off and if Crystal tried anything, she had no doubt the sweet, coffee-making Tori would kick her ass. Or, at least try and probably do a lot of damage.

  But there was an aura around her that lacked the hostility, the fear she'd witnessed in her gaze back when Crystal stayed in Pitnam the first time. Rain's wife was more confident, more in love, and more at peace.

  Crystal felt completely lost as if she somehow missed a huge chunk of time with her absence.

  "We'd like permission to crash in one of the cabins if one's available." Raul slipped his hand under Crystal's hair and rubbed her nape.

  She jerked her gaze to Raul. What was he doing? Rain would never let a Lagsturns member stay in the compound. The hotel in town, maybe. But Raul was asking the impossible.

  Rain gazed at Crystal. Shaken to the bottom of her feet, she forced herself to meet his eyes. She'd known him well at one time, or thought she had.

  Yet, the defiance and anger were gone from his gaze, replaced with curiosity and she fleetingly wondered if Raul slipped her a roofie at the last pit stop, because she thought there was even concern behind Rain's look.

  Rain's eyes softened a split second before he turned to Raul. "No, you're better off staying at the house."

  Tori stretched up on her toes and kissed the underside of Rain's jaw before turning to Raul. "This is wonderful. You'll be able to meet Lilly."

  Raul grinned, rocked forward one step, and kissed Tori's cheek. Crystal couldn't hear what he whispered, and could only go by the smile that grew on Tori's face that whatever Raul said pleased her. Hatred, pure and simple abhorrence, for Tori soured Crystal's stomach. Raul forbid her to talk or question anything about this meeting while they were here, and she had many questions.

  Mainly, why were Raul, Rain, and Tori acting like old friends? Who the hell was Lilly? Why, in the past, had Raul forced her into the arms of his supposedly friend?

  Calm had come over Raul through his posture, his softer touch, his carefree smile, when they'd walked into Rain's office. His mood lighter and his expressions more animated. Crystal fisted Raul's leather cut and hung on. Nothing was making any sense, and she didn't like what she was feeling.

  "We're heading home now." Rain handed a leather jacket to Tori. "Go ahead and follow us out of town. I'll talk to my brothers and they'll chill for the night."

  "Just like that?" Raul shook his head and rubbed a hand across his jaw.

  Rain paused and without giving anything away said, "I'm their president."

  The next time Crystal finally had a chance to take a full breath and snap out of the nightmare of tonight, she was sitting on the back of Raul's motorcycle and they were heading out of town, following Rain and Tori to their house. A house she'd stayed in before with Rain's permission and one time without. She bunched
Raul's jacket in her hands to steady herself. She shook out of control, she wasn't sure she'd be able to take the corners without falling off the bike.

  In the driveway at Rain's house, Crystal couldn't have swung her leg to get off the bike if she wanted to. Raul clasped her waist with his hands and hauled her off. She clung to his arms, shaking in her shoes.

  Raul held on to her, and spoke with Rain. "Give us a few, amigo."

  "Right." Rain looked between Crystal and Raul and then deciding to leave them alone, walked with Tori to the front door.

  The door closed. Crystal groaned and swayed away from Raul.

  "Look at me," Raul said.

  She covered her face and muttered through her fingers. "Are you kidding me?"

  "Crystal?" he said.

  She dropped her hands, but refused to turn to him. "You could've told me you were wanted for three murders, five burglaries, and…and held up six banks while wearing a ski mask, and I wouldn't be standing here feeling like a complete and useless idiot. Friends, Raul? Seriously? My God, this is messed up."

  "Dammit, look at me," he said.

  She forced herself to look up into his eyes and pain swept through her. Pain that cut deeper than anything she'd ever experienced. Even Raul kicking her out of the club never hurt the way his betrayal today did. He'd played her. They all played her.

  Eighteen months ago, she'd spent three months with Rain. Had sex with Rain. Deceived Rain. All because Raul asked her to help him. She was dumb enough to believe Raul cared about her. Oh, she wasn't stupid. She knew what Raul felt for her wasn't love, but she'd thought they'd connected. He might never have confessed to wanting her permanently in his life, but he had wanted her. He'd spoken of needing her.

  That vulnerability Raul showed to her had caused her to fall in love with the fool. She pushed away from him, but he grabbed her wrist and dragged her back.

  She jerked, swung—missing his chin, and kicked out—connecting with his shins. "Let me go!"

  "Dammit." He grunted, whirling her around and wrapped his arms around her upper body. "Hold still"

  Her back to his front, her arms pinned to her sides, she threw back her head, and cried out as she collided with his collarbone. "I'm not going in there."

  "Yes, you are." His chest expanded and he remained holding her prisoner. "When I tell you to trust me that means you trust me without questions."

  "Except everything out of your mouth is a lie." She thrust herself forward and only ended up panting hard from the exertion. "You screwed me over. This whole time I thought I was doing you a favor, and you had me fuck your friend. Your friend, Raul. You pimped me out as if I was some slut you owned. Then I turn out to be some funny ass story you could share with your friends over a couple of beers. You lied to me. You used me. You—"

  "Shut up." His arms tightened. "I lied, and I'm sorry."

  "And you used me," she said.

  "No…" He flipped her around, and held her face between his hands. "I sent you to Rain because I knew he'd give you a good life, away from the shit life I live. I can't give you what you need. I'd hoped things would work out better for you with him, and knowing you were safe, loved, and happy with a man who could take care of you was the only way I could give you a piece of what you've given me."

  She blinked to clear her vision. "You hate him."

  "No." Raul grimaced. "This is where you're going to have to trust me and listen to what I'm telling you. Things are different now than they were back when we were together. You were never meant to be in my life. I can't love you the way you need. And, mi vida, you deserve someone who'll be your world."

  She shook her head, not understanding how all those nights spent making love, and all the days hanging around each other, and all the hours they spent talking about the future could mean nothing. "I thought you cared about me."

  He leaned closer and lowered his voice. "It's more than that between us and you know it. You can't tell me you don't understand what we have together. You lay wrapped around my body, your head on my chest at night and must know how I feel. I'm empty without you."

  "You bitch'd me out to another biker." She refused to let him sweet talk his way out of this. "You then kicked me out of the club and left me to survive on my own after Rain dumped me. I went to Ethan and relied on a crazed-out druggie who ended up selling me out to the Mexican Maf—"

  She slapped her hand over her mouth. Oh, shit.

  "Yeah. Finally. There's the truth I wanted to hear." Raul cupped the back of her head. "You've got the Mafia after you, and I'm trying to keep you safe. I know what's going down, and it's serious. Dead serious. That's why we're here in Pitnam asking Rain to help us. That's why I'm going to have us stay here for a few days to get you away from the Lagsturns. Then I'm going to ride out, knowing you're safe and protected within the Bantorus MC."

  She uncovered her mouth. "You know Guillermo Garcia is part of the Mafia?"

  He nodded. "I've known the whole time."

  "I never wanted you to know." She squeezed her eyes closed and then looked up into his eyes. "Garcia will kill you."

  "He can try." He exhaled and stepped away from her. "Right now, we're going inside. You need to rest. It's been a long fucking day."

  All the energy she'd expelled over learning the truth left her weak. She cupped her elbows in her hands and swallowed hard. "I'm not going inside, Raul. I understand my life is in danger. I told you that from the moment you took me out of the Lounge in Palm Springs. I also get how you want to keep me safe. But those people inside that house represent every sucky thing that I've done in the last two years. I can't be with you, knowing you sold me out. Not once, but twice."

  Raul stepped toward her. "I did what I had to do. You need to move on and accept—"

  "No." She held up her hands and retreated. "How dare you even ask me. I don't understand how you can tell me you want me, that you need me, that you're empty inside when I'm not with you. Those are just words, but your actions say the truth."

  He continued to approach her until she bumped into his motorcycle and couldn't get away. He captured her face with his hands. "I only have my words. Hold on to them as if your life depended on them to keep you safe. Remember everything I've said to you and believe them because that's all we have. When I sent you to Rain, I wanted you to find out if he was willing to work with the Lagsturns and bring us women for a specific job. Do you remember?"

  She nodded.

  "I knew he would never branch off into exporting for the sex trade, and I knew you were safe. Do you hear me? Safe," he said. "My main objective was getting you away from the danger within the Lagsturns while we dealt with Garcia."

  "But, I slept with Rain," she whispered on a sob.

  "I know," he whispered back hoarsely. "Fuck. I thought I'd have you inside the Bantorus club and then bring you back out before anything developed between you and Rain. I expected too much from you, and I don't blame you for going to his bed. Then it was too late, and I thought you'd be better off with someone who could keep you safe. You seemed happy with Rain, and I couldn't give you that."

  "I was happier with you," she said.

  He opened his mouth, closed it, and then continued in a softer voice. "I couldn't face what I'd done when you came back, and I sent you away from me so you could have better than me."

  "To Ethan," she said, each sin branding her soul again as if she replayed her past just speaking his name. "Why? Why did you let me go?"

  Raul stiffened and pushed away. He stalked a few paces away, swiped a rock from the edge of the driveway, and hurled it out into the darkness. She hugged her middle, scared over the tightness of his body. He was a bomb, waiting to explode, and she didn't understand why.

  A few minutes passed, and he hadn't returned to her. She looked up at the house, all the lights were on, and a deep longing to belong within the walls of the home hit her. She'd never had what Rain found. A spouse to love, security of owning his own property that no one could take away, and t
he freedom to come and go as he liked.

  She looked back at Raul. A life with him would be filled with turmoil, lies, secrets, and danger. God, she had the Mafia after her because of what she'd done for Raul.

  The thought of walking away from him on her own accord tore her heart out. He wasn't the only one living an empty life. He filled her too and without him, she wasn't sure if she could continue living on the outside. She couldn't tell him the truth about what drew her to the Lagsturns.

  If she told him the truth about her, it'd kill any chance they had of being together. Her life wasn't as simple as Raul believed, and she'd walked away from it all to get away from the crippling demands.

  Then the unspeakable happened and killed any chance of going back. The one thing she regretted about her choices stood in front of her. He was impossible to walk away from, and doing so would kill her as much as staying with him would.

  Raul returned to her side, his hands sunk deep in his front pockets. He stood, just looking at her, not saying anything for the longest time. Finally, he said, "Do you love me?"

  She shook her head. "I can't answer that."

  "Can't or won't?" he asked.

  She moistened her lips, wishing more than anything she could tell him who she was, and why it was important no one find out and link her to her parents. She wanted to continue seeing him, because she did love him. It wasn't rational of him to ask her to stay when he couldn't love her the way she needed.

  "I won't." She clamped her teeth together to keep from crying. "It's not fair to me. Don't you see? I deserve more, even though I've done some bad things, and I've let you treat me less than what I deserve. Asking me to lay my heart at your feet without any guarantee that you'll protect it from being stomped…no. I won't go there."

  "All this time, and you never told me no." Raul stared at her intently. "Why didn't you tell me no?"