Aching To Exhale

by Debra Kayn

  "I couldn't," she whispered.

  "Stop with the cant's, won'ts, couldn'ts." He remained where he was standing, giving her space. "Just tell me the fuck why you never told me no?"

  She moaned as she fought the desire to tell him everything. "Because it wasn't only you who felt complete in this relationship. I can no longer tell you no, than deny myself the pleasure of having you in my life. I need you, because without your arms around me when I sleep, without you by my side during the day, I have no connection to anyone. Without you, I'm not okay. I'm nothing. I'm just Crystal, and I want to be so much more."

  His mouth softened and he stepped over to her, but instead of taking her in his arms the way she hoped, he sat on this bike and pulled her down in front of him. She sat between the V of his legs on the gas tank. Face to face, legs touching.

  "You do deserve everything." He gazed down at her hand on her leg, and hooked her finger with his. "It goes beyond wanting the best for you. I need to be the man to give you the world."

  That simple touch, that show of affection that linked their souls, got her attention. She looked him in the eyes.

  "I need to tell you something important, mi vida." Raul gazed into her eyes. "What I'm about to say can't be shared with anyone else. It's a lifetime of secrets, and telling you puts my life in danger even more than it already is. It also puts a target on your back, but I swear on my life, I will protect you for the rest of our days if you can get over what I've done, and listen, understand, and hold close what I tell you."

  She slowed her breathing to hear him better. "Okay."

  "I've rode with the Lagsturns eight years. I've proved myself, my honor, my word, my loyalty in ways that most people could not," he said. "I've done things I wish to forget, and I'll never be able to wash the memories away."

  "What did you do?" She tilted her head to stay in contact with his eyes that had looked off to the side.

  He shook his head. "It's unimportant. Things that don't make me proud and I've shoved the moments out of my head, so I can try to live with myself. The guilt weighs me down."

  "Okay," she said. Becoming a member of an outlaw motorcycle club was sacred ground to everyone but members, and that included old ladies and girlfriends never knowing what truly happens within the club boundaries. She understood the need for secrecy to build trust between the men and form solidarity within the charter. She had no desire to know what was required of him.

  "Eight years of proving my allegiance to men I call brothers was hell, but necessary. I've grown hard. After living with the responsibility that I've done these things, I don't think like a normal man any more. My judgment between right and wrong is blurred, because my life has been devoted to integrating myself into the biker lifestyle." He rearranged their hands, twining his fingers between hers. "But, I have another side of me that knows what I'm doing. That knows what I've done to you, and it kills me. It eats away at me like acid, so there's nothing left but a man with holes. You deserve a man that has a right to stand in front of you and pledge his life to you and comes into the relationship already complete."

  "I'm not following you." She raised her free hand and stroked his cheek. "What do you have to hide?"

  "I can't keep it from you any longer. I've tried, but I'm hurting you." He leaned forward, kissing her lips softly, speaking even quieter. "Everything I've done, good and bad, is because I'm a federal agent with the FBI. I studied and trained for ten years prior to joining the Lagsturns for the sole purpose of taking down the illegal drug and sex trafficking going on in the United States. Years of leads took me straight to the biker community. That led me to Lagsturns. For the club to believe in my loyalty, I've bided my time and championed my case to get control of the role as their president. I got a break about four years ago when I followed the trail to Guillermo Garcia."

  "No…" She pulled away, but he held on to her hand stopping her.

  "Yes, mi vida." He squeezed her fingers. "When I got close enough I could taste him, I sent you to Rain because it wasn't safe for you to be around me. When my hope that you go on with your life away from the Lagsturns didn't work, I sent you away for good, alone. I had no idea you'd go with Ethan, but because I was too selfish to lose you completely, I watched you until I could figure out what to do with you. Then the pieces I was missing on the case started falling together. Ethan was my link to the Mexican Mafia."

  "Shit," she said. "You thought I was involved."

  "For a few weeks, I did. I spotted you meeting with Ethan and Garcia, and I heard rumors Garcia was biding his time to get you for himself." He swallowed hard. "I planned to bail on my investigation and rescue you. I couldn't chance Garcia getting ahold of you. Then you disappeared before I could help you. Before I could even report you gone to my superiors to start a new investigation, Ethan shot me when I went after him for kidnapping Tori—that's how I got the scar on my arm. For the last eleven months I believed you were dead—because dead was better than believing the Mafia got ahold of you. A part of me wants to send you away right now, and tell you never to look back, to better your life. To find a man who'll put you in a house and pamper you the way you deserve."

  "Oh my God," she said, covering her mouth.

  "A week ago, Garcia informs me you were on the lame. He gave me a gift, Crystal. You were alive and not in the Mafia's hands. He bargained with me. If I could find you, he'd give me the job I've been waiting for to take him down."

  "You didn't find me by accident?"

  "No," he said.

  He closed his eyes for a few extra beats, grimaced, and stared out into the night. "I try to separate the wrongs and the rights in my head and I'm fucked up, because I can't make the distinctions anymore."

  "You're not bad," she whispered.

  He shook his head. "Look what I've done to you. I brought you back. Garcia knows I have you, but you have to believe me when I say I will die keeping you safe and out of his hands. I tried to walk away from his offer, but I'm weak. The thought of seeing you again, touching you, drove me to doing the worst thing I could do to you. I can't let you go, because I love you."

  "You love me?" she mouthed.

  "I'm empty without you. When you're with me and I'm touching you, seeing you, feel your hand in mine, I know that what we have is right. It's real. It's the truth and grounds me." He kissed her forehead, inhaling and kissing her again before tilting her chin so he could look into her eyes. "Let me keep you safe. When I've taken down Garcia, I'll find a way for us to be together. I swear on my life. Me and you. I can't lose you again."

  "What happens when it's over? You're a federal agent. The Lagsturns will kill you for deceiving them," she said.

  "I hope to take down Garcia without any of them finding out who I am."

  She nodded, but she knew someone would find out. There were no secrets between the members. Now that she knew the truth, she also realized they had zero chance of being together. If the truth about her ever broke out in the media, they'd drag Raul into the middle and draw even more attention to him.

  Never before had she wished he were just Raul Sanchez, president of the Lagsturns MC and badass biker dude. "I can't believe this."

  "It's the truth. Everything I've told you tonight is the Gods honest truth, but I've not always acted so you could recognize the truth."

  "No, you lied."

  "Yeah." He swallowed loud enough she heard. "I have no right to ask you to—"

  "It'll never work, baby." Her heart crumbled, the shock of hearing all this would kill her eventually.

  He frowned. "It can. We'll figure out a way to come out of this alive."

  "I need some time to understand all this." She told the truth. "I take it Rain and Tori know you're an agent."

  He nodded. "Yeah, they found out when I got shot and saved Tori's life from Ethan."

  "Do more people know, and I'm the last one to find out?" She studied him carefully.

  He kept his eyes on her. The lines between his brows deepened, and she
hated how he seemed bothered by her question. Sure, she wanted him to hurt for what he'd done to her. He'd scarred her in ways no one had before. Her life was over. She couldn't take the chance of anyone finding out her family tree, for Raul's sake.

  Tonight was the last night she'd be with him. She'd be dead to him, because she wasn't sticking around to let him live in guilt over the Mafia killing her and she wasn't ready to personally die.

  "No. Rain and Tori are the only ones who know who I am," he said.

  "Do you have a family? A wife? Parents?" She wasn't going to give up. She needed something to give her the strength to walk away.

  "When I rode away, my parents believed I'd turned my back on my job. I left no doubt in their minds that they wouldn't see me for a long time if at all." Raul shoved both his hands through his hair and sucked in a breath. "I gave up my life. Do you understand? The only resemblance to who I am is a phone call I make when I get the chance to touch base with my contact person at the bureau. I've lost my former life to the club, and I gave it up willingly. My risks now are the same risks every club member has hanging around his neck. When this is over, my life as a federal agent is done. I've made too many enemies, and I plan to remain in the MC because that's what I know. The Lagsturns are my life."

  She couldn't take any more information. She ran her tongue across her teeth and tried to understand where he was coming from and what drove him. More than anything, she understood far more than he'd ever know and because she could excuse his choices, she was freaked out.

  "Okay." She slid off the bike and stepped away from Raul. "At least I know that I'm not imagining things."

  "Then you won't fight me on staying here?"

  She bit her tongue and shook her head. She had no idea what she was going to do, but right now she needed to think.

  She followed him up the steps and to the front door. She squeezed his hand, needing him more than she'd ever needed him before. Because in the morning, the first chance she got, she needed to skip town and go into hiding because if she was linked to the Mafia, it'd be the nail in her coffin that her parents were waiting for and she wouldn't allow them to have the pleasure of being right about her.

  Chapter Twelve

  Crystal barely grasped the veracity of Raul working for the FBI and asking her to trust him, and she faced another hard truth. She stared across the living room in Rain's house. Gone was the stark bachelor pad she remembered during her time with Rain.

  A pastel colored playpen erected in the corner of the room by the rock hearth and a lavender blanket tossed on the couch, along with several baby toys, took Crystal back a step. She slowly gazed at Raul talking quietly with Rain, not hearing their words, because she was listening to the conversation coming over the baby monitor. Tori spoke with another woman about having visitors and showing her to the door and telling her good night.

  Lightheaded and nauseous, Crystal reached out to the back of the chair and tried to put the scene together. Nothing added up. Rain and Tori had a baby?

  Movement came from beside her. She jerked her gaze to the entryway where Tori appeared carrying a baby. What little air she had left in her lungs whooshed out and she inhaled swiftly to stay on her feet. God, they have a baby together.

  "There he is." Tori talked with the infant in her arms and walked straight to Raul "Meet Mr. Sanchez, Lilly."

  Raul's mouth softened and he glanced from Tori to Rain to Lilly and back up to Tori. "Ah, amiga, she's beautiful," Raul whispered.

  Tenderness took away half of the stress lines from Raul's mouth and eyes as he gazed at baby Lilly in adoration. An ache grew in Crystal's chest, and she pressed her hand to her collarbone. At one time, she could've had this life with Rain, but she'd wanted a relationship with Raul. Always her heart belonged to the president of the Lagsturns.

  As she witnessed the unshielded reaction on Raul's face over meeting Tori and Rain's baby, she couldn't help feeling envious. Never had she received such unbridled honesty from him. Not while they had sex, not outside when he'd confessed to her about deceiving the Lagsturns and her, and not when they were alone. He had plenty of time to confide in her, to give more details about what he was doing, but he hadn't trusted her.

  She shook her head. No, that wasn't right. She'd never given him a reason to trust her, because she couldn't go there with him.

  Her jealousy turned to anger. She hated the circumstances that brought her to the Lagsturns, and now she was going to leave because no matter what Raul said to her, she knew she couldn't stay. She couldn't give him what Rain and Tori had, and it was obvious he was happy for them. She clenched her hand into a fist. God, he'd fooled everyone, especially her.

  Even now, she wondered if he yearned for a normal life. A wife, a child, a house set away from everyone where he could relax and be himself away from the club.

  "Crystal." Raul held out his hand and motioned for her to come across the room.

  She wanted to turn around and walk out the door. Instead, she went to him as she avoided looking directly at Tori and Rain. They must hate her.

  "This is Lilly." Raul slid his fingers into the back pocket of her shorts and pulled her tight against his side.

  Cuddled in a white sleeper with a bunny stitched over her heart, her pink cheeks working at the thumb stuck in her mouth, Lilly was adorably sweet. Crystal blinked rapidly after connecting with the almost black eyes, taken aback at how much the baby had her daddy's eyes and the blonde wispy hair promised to be as glorious as Tori's long locks when she was older. No more than two months old, Lilly laid content in her momma's arms the way all children should have the security of a loving parent.

  "S-she's beautiful," Crystal whispered, afraid to speak any louder and scare the child.

  Tori laid her hand on Crystal's arm. "You can relax. She's used to others paying her attention. She's surprisingly easy going."

  Crystal nodded, unsure of what to say. She hadn't expected Tori to allow her in Pitnam, no less in her home and around her family. Guilt mingled with anger over Raul's lies and she bit down on her lip. Blinded by the sudden tears filling her vision, she covered her mouth and backed away, bumping into Raul.

  "Ex-excuse me." She pushed off him and whirled around, hurrying to the door.

  She heard Raul call her name, but she kept going, through the front door and outside into the cool air. She stumbled on the step and leaned against the railing, gasping for breath and balance. Unable to cry, choked with desperation, she fought the scream scratching her throat to escape.

  Nothing about being here was right. Raul wasn't supposed to be a federal agent. He was her biker. She could hide out with him, and not worry about anyone finding her or asking too many questions. Live and let live, a biker's motto. A place where her past stayed behind her and only this minute counted.

  Seeing him with Lilly…

  She pressed the heel of her palms into her eyes. No.

  Babies were what normal people were lucky enough to have, not her. She clamped her teeth together and sank to the step, squealing in frustration, wanting to act out at the unfairness of her position. Why couldn't she have what everyone else had?

  "Crystal," Rain said, behind her.

  She jerked her gaze over her shoulder. "What?"

  "You doing okay?" Rain leaned against the side of the house and crossed his arm, not coming near her.

  "What do you think?" She looked away. "I thought things were messed up before…between you and me. This—she flailed her hand in the air—relationship with you and Raul, I can't even wrap my head around everything I've seen and heard tonight. Your wife is being nice to me, when she should deck me for the trouble I caused. I shouldn't be here, and you have a baby. God. A baby? And, Raul tells me—"

  "I get that." Rain pushed off the wall of the house and sat down on the step behind her. "I'm the only Bantorus member who knows about Raul. He told me you know. I see two things happening with that knowledge."

  "What?" she asked. "That Raul screwed with me,
but that it's okay because I screwed you which blew any chance of me being happy with Raul?"

  "You and I don't have a great track record. You fucked up when you played me. Then you hooked with Cramwell, and that's something I find too hard to forget despite Raul's reasons for doing what he did. If things had turned out differently, and it wasn't for your man in there saving my woman's life, I wouldn't be sitting out here talking to you with my woman and my baby safe inside the house. Things could've turned out worse, and your man would also not be in there talking to my woman and my baby as if they're the closest thing to perfect to him, because of the life he lives." Rain put his hand on Crystal's shoulder when she moved to stand up.

  "I'm not done." He lowered his voice. "What he told you gives you the power in the relationship. You could get him killed if you run off on temper and don't think about what you say."

  "I would never do anything to hurt him." She glared. "You don't know what's going on with us, because I don't know myself what this means to our relationship. I just found out moments before walking into your house."

  "Fair enough." Rain inhaled and looked out into the darkness. "You and me…it wasn't healthy, you know that. What Sanchez feels for you is a good thing. You fuck him over by telling anyone about who he is, and not only do you end his life, I'll end your life."

  "But—"

  "That's a promise, sweetheart." Rain turned his steely eyes to her. "We're good. I have Raul's back. Remember that. Now, I'm going to go inside and take my girls upstairs. I'll escort you inside. Your man needs you."

  She rolled her eyes. "You don't trust me."

  Rain's expression never changed. "Not at all."

  She had no desire to argue the point. Trust was something she rarely gave, and the last time she did, she shouldn't have. Now she was in love with a federal agent, she needed to leave, and her life was shit. She stood and followed Rain inside.

  Tori and Lilly were already gone from the living room, and Raul stood looking out the window in the kitchen in the open area of the main floor. She watched Rain take the stairs two at a time. Emotionally exhausted, she stayed standing at the side of the room.