‘Do you know what would happen to us if anyone ever found out?’ Daran kissed my forehead as he wrapped his arms more tightly around me. I leaned back into his embrace.
‘What could they do? Order us to stop being in love?’
‘They could order it, but it would never happen. I know I’ve said it before but I really will love you until the end of forever, Clare. I hope you know that.’
‘And I’ll love you longer than that, you great big eejit.’
‘I’m serious, though,’ he said. ‘There’d be consequences. Big ones. For both of us. They’d send me away. You too.’
I stroked his strong forearms. ‘Then I’d jump in me da’s car and chase after you.’
‘You can’t drive.’
‘I can, so. I can drive a tractor.’
‘I hate to break it to you but a car is slightly more complex to drive than a tractor, so it is.’
‘You’d better start teaching me to drive your car, then, just in case we need to make a swift getaway.’
I lay in Daran’s arms in silence, trying to imagine life without him. ‘I really would follow you,’ I said. ‘To the ends of the earth.’
He kissed my forehead again. ‘You know where I’d really like to go?’
‘Where?’
‘The Far East. Places like Thailand, Malaysia, China, Vietnam, The Philippines.’
‘Why there?’
‘It sounds daft, but I had a dream many years ago where I was standing on a beach in Indonesia and it was like paradise on earth. A small boy came up to me and asked me to help his family. He led me to a village, where he lived in a shack – corrugated iron and bits of wood hammered together. It was a world away from what I knew, yet I felt God’s presence more strongly than I’d ever felt it before.’
‘I could come with you,’ I said. ‘Let’s leave this place. Run away. Be together where nobody knows us and nobody will judge us.’
Daran turned my face gently and kissed me. I melted into his kiss as always. ‘I want to take you up on that right now. I really do. But you need to finish school first. Do you hear me?’
‘Why?’
‘Because an education opens doors. It’s only two more years. It’ll fly by. You’ll see. But finish your education. Do you hear me, Clare? Do you hear me?’
‘Do you hear me, Clare? Can you hear me?’
‘Daran?’ I whispered.
‘It’s Stevie. You fainted.’
‘Drink this.’ A glass was pressed against my lips and I took a sip of cold water, then another. I opened my eyes. Elise and Stevie were both crouched on the floor in front of me.
‘How long?’
‘A few minutes,’ Elise said. ‘You had us really scared there. I was about to call for an ambulance. Should I still do that?’
I took another couple of sips of water. ‘Bollocks to that. I know I like drama but that’s going a bit far, even for me.’ I sat slightly forward on the sofa. ‘I was dreaming about Daran. He told me he wanted to go to the Far East to help the communities there. I was going to go with him when I finished school. I’d forgotten about that conversation.’
‘It looks like he got what he wanted,’ Elise said.
‘Except the part where he did it with Clare.’ Stevie handed me the glass of water. ‘I’m sorry.’
I sighed. ‘I’m sorry too. He was a very special person.’ I took a few more sips of water. ‘I can’t believe he’s gone.’
Elise took my hand. ‘Did I do the right thing in telling you?’
I nodded. ‘Can I read it myself?’
Elise handed me the article. I read it over and over again and shook my head as tears streamed down my cheeks. Still the same words. Still the same message. Still gone. I wiped my tears again and looked at Elise. ‘Hard as it was to hear, I’m glad I know. I told you last Saturday that I hadn’t thought about Daran much over the last five years or so, and I really haven’t. But this week I haven’t stopped thinking about him. I’m sure I’d have searched eventually, so I’m glad I know.’
‘What are you going to do now?’ Stevie asked.
‘You’re not the only one who’s been going mad on Google. I found out this week that Shannon’s adoptive parents are dead. Seems there’s a lot of it going around. I’ve been away all week with work so haven’t been able to do anything about it, but I’m going to call Social Services on Monday and find out my options for tracking her down, especially as she’s officially an orphan now. After that, there’s something very important that I need to do.’
‘What’s that?’ Elise asked.
‘Go back to Ballykielty and confront my da.’ I winced as I felt my nails digging into my palms, but I couldn’t unclench my fists. ‘I thought about writing that letter you suggested, Elise, but it wouldn’t be enough. I need to look him in the eye. I’m owed an apology and I’m owed a hell of a lot of answers. When I saw him a couple of weeks ago, I crumbled before him, but I didn’t know that Shannon had lived or that Daran had died. I hold him personally responsible for both of those things and, even if I get no answers, I want him to know what I think of him.’
Chapter 14
Elise opened the door to Sarah’s shop, Flowers & Gifts, and the little bell tinkled. She’d rung Sarah to explain what had happened. From listening to Elise’s end of the conversation, Sarah had been a bit funny about why I was at Elise’s but had come around when Elise had explained that I’d been on my way to see Sarah and that she’d hijacked me.
Sarah put down the bouquet she was making and rushed over, looking very worried. ‘Clare! Are you okay?’
I nodded. ‘I’m grand. Embarrassed, but grand. I don’t think I’ve ever fainted before.’
‘We’ve had a pretty chilled afternoon,’ Elise said. ‘I got Gary to pop round and give her a once-over, but he says she’s fine and should just rest for a bit.’ Elise’s ex was a GP, a handy person to call on in circumstances like this.
‘Am I okay to stay at yours tonight?’ I asked.
‘Of course. You know you’re welcome any time. Cuppa?’
‘Coffee, please.’
‘Are you stopping?’ she asked Elise.
‘I’ve got to go. I’m off round to our Jess’s for tea. See you later, Clare.’ She gave me a hug and left the shop.
‘So, what happened?’ Sarah asked. ‘Elise said it was something to do with Daran, but she didn’t say what.’
I was about to tell her but the door opened and several customers came in. ‘You need to get on with your work,’ I said. ‘Do you mind if I have my drink out the back? I’ll tell you everything when we get back to yours.’
After tea at Sarah’s, Nick went to the pub with Stevie, leaving Sarah and me to talk. I opened up to her properly for the first time ever. I told her about my brothers and sisters, how strict Da was and how Ma had always acted as if she hated me. I talked in detail about the Mass where I first saw Daran and how our secret relationship had developed. The more I spoke, the more the memories tumbled out.
‘You’re really going back to Ireland to confront your dad?’ she asked, when I’d finished. ‘Do you want me to come with you?’
‘You’d do that?’
‘Of course. You’ve always been there for me. I want to be there for you.’
‘Thank you. That means a lot, but this is something I need to do on my own. I may need you when I get back, though.’
‘I’ll be here. When are you going?’
‘I might fly out on Thursday night and confront them on Friday. If I chicken out, I’ve still got Saturday.’
‘You’re absolutely sure you don’t want some moral support?’
‘I’m sure. Besides, you’ve got a business to run. I know you’re the boss but you’ve been away for three weeks already. Another few days would seriously be taking the piss, wouldn’t it now?’
&nbs
p; She laughed. ‘You might have a point.’
It was after 3am before we finally called it a night. As I brushed my teeth, it struck me how great a friend Sarah had been over the years and how much I’d taken her friendship for granted. It must have been really difficult to deal with my mood swings and my refusal to talk about the past, yet she’d put up with it for 13 years. I vowed never to take our friendship for granted again.
Chapter 15
‘What the hell are you doing here? You’re not welcome.’
‘Hello, Ma,’ I said.
Her pale-grey eyes flashed with hate and bitterness. Her dark hair, streaked liberally with grey, was pulled back into a bun that emphasised the hard angles of her jaw and cheekbones. Frown lines creased her forehead. There was no evidence of laughter lines. My stomach churned and my first instinct was to turn around, jump into my hire car and speed back to Cork. But my need for answers was greater than my fear. Somehow, I mustered the strength to keep my shoulders back, my head held high and my voice steady. ‘I’d like to say it’s great to see you but that would be a lie.’
‘You cheeky… What do you want?’
‘I want to speak to Da and I’m not leaving until I do.’
‘He’s not here.’
‘We both know that’s a big fib. I saw him at the window just now. You might as well let me in because I’ll only stand here and make a scene if you don’t.’
‘You wouldn’t.’
‘Is that a challenge?’
I stood on the doorstep, arms folded, holding her stare.
‘Let her in, Maeve,’ shouted Da from the living room.
Ma turned her back on me and yelled, ‘She’s not welcome here.’
‘I didn’t say she was welcome. I said let her in, woman, before the neighbours see her.’
Ma shook her head and narrowed her eyes at me but stepped back and held the door open. ‘You’ll not be wheedling your way back into his affections, you know. He hates you.’ She practically spat the words.
I took a deep breath as I followed her into the living room. I didn’t want to be part of their lives, but hearing that Da hated me still hurt.
‘So, you came crawling back.’ Da glared at me.
I couldn’t help looking around me. The room had been wallpapered and there might even have been a new carpet but everything else was still the same, from the gold-coloured sofa with tassels around the base to the huge-backed TV, to the dresser covered in decorative plates depicting Jesus and Mary, and wooden crucifixes.
‘You’re not the prodigal daughter, you know.’ He folded his newspaper and tossed it onto the floor before standing up. ‘There’s no forgiveness in this house.’
‘I never expected to be welcomed back. And I wouldn’t want to be. As for your forgiveness, I don’t want it and I don’t need it.’
‘I’m not going to invite you to sit,’ he said.
‘I don’t want to sit.’
‘And you needn’t think I’ll be offering you any tea,’ Ma said.
‘I don’t want a drink, either. All I’ve come for is some information, then I’ll be out of your lives forever.’
Da scowled at me. ‘As far as we were concerned, you were already out of our lives forever. Yet somehow you’re here for the second time this month.’
‘All I want to know is why you were so quick to disown your youngest daughter.’
Ma let out a high-pitched sound like a hysterical laugh. Da shook his head. ‘I should have thought that would be obvious,’ he said. ‘You brought shame to your family and damaged a good man’s name with your whoring ways.’ The bitterness with which he spat out the last words cut through me. The years hadn’t softened him at all.
‘We were in love.’
He stamped his foot on the floor like a child having a tantrum. ‘Blasphemy.’
‘It’s not blasphemy. Daran was young, I was young and we loved each other. You made it into something dirty.’
‘It was something dirty. You seduced him, so you both had to pay the price.’
‘Why were you so quick to believe it was me who seduced him?
‘I used to watch you, and how men and boys reacted to you. You weren’t studious like Aisling or plain like Nia. You were precocious and curious. As a toddler, it was refreshing. As a growing woman, it was dangerous. Your ma and I always knew you’d let us down. You brought shame on our family name.’
‘How? How could I have caused shame when nobody knew about the baby?’
‘It wasn’t just the baby,’ Ma cried. ‘It was everything about you. The way you dressed, the way you spoke, the way you flicked your hair. Everything about you said “harlot” and, to be sure, look what you became: Jezebel herself.’
Watching her eyes flash with hate and the colour in Da’s cheeks darken with each word, I realised it was pointless and that they weren’t worth it. Why had I thought for even a second that we might have a sit-down conversation tinged with regret and sadness, instead of a slanging match? Clearly, their opinion hadn’t changed from the day they’d disowned me. It seemed that time had deepened their hatred instead of easing it. ‘Seventeen years haven’t mellowed either of you, so I’ll be going soon. Before I do, I want to know two things.’
Da crossed his arms. ‘The first will be…?’
‘Why did you get Great-Aunt Nuala to say that my baby had died?’
A flicker of something flashed across his eyes. Doubt, perhaps? ‘The baby did die,’ he declared, holding himself upright and strong.
‘Bullshit,’ I said. ‘Shannon’s alive, and you know it.’
He visibly flinched when I used her name. He probably hadn’t realised I’d named my daughter. His granddaughter. ‘How do you know?’ he snapped.
‘Nuala wrote to me on her deathbed. She couldn’t live with the guilty secret on her conscience. She told me why she went through with it. I want to know why you did. I was giving her up for adoption. I wasn’t about to return to Ireland with my baby in tow to bring shame on you all, so why take it that step further?’
‘Because.’
‘Because what?’
‘Because I had no choice.’
‘That’s bullshit too. Why did you do it?’ I yelled. ‘Why did you tell such an evil lie?’
‘Because.’
‘That’s not an answer, and you know it. Why?’
‘Because I wanted you to feel what I was feeling.’ He uncrossed his arms and clenched his fists by his side. I sensed it was taking all his willpower not to strike me.
‘What does that mean?’
‘The day I found out about your treachery, you became dead to me. I wanted you to know what it felt like to lose a child.’
‘I wasn’t dead.’
‘You were. You are. I told you back then that you were dead to me and I meant it. Now leave this house and, this time, don’t ever return.’
I stared at him. I wanted to say more but my legs were shaking, my heart was racing and I was desperate to leave. After all these years, he still terrified me and I hated that he had that sort of power over me. Ma was less terrifying – possibly because there’d never been any love lost between us – but I still squirmed in her presence.
‘I’ll go,’ I said, hoping my voice sounded confident. ‘And don’t you worry, there’s nothing for me here anymore without Daran. I won’t be back.’
He followed me to the door. ‘Like I give a damn what you do with your life. You’re not my daughter. I don’t care about you or anything that happens to you. Why is that so hard to get through your thick skull?’
I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn’t form any words.
‘Not that I’m remotely interested,’ he said, ‘but what was the other question?’
‘What?’
‘You said you had two questions to ask me. What was the second one?’
‘It was… er…’ I tried to stand tall and force out the words, but the two hateful pairs of eyes boring into me were too much. And it didn’t matter. I was going to ask him how he lived with himself knowing what he’d done, but I could see the answer right in front of me. Quite easily. He hated me. Really hated me. When he’d said I was dead to him, he’d really meant it.
He planted his hands on his hips. ‘Great second question, Clare. I bet you’re really glad you flew home to ask that. I think we’re done here, so we are.’ He pointed to my hire car parked outside the house. ‘Get in that thing and get out of here. I never, ever, EVER want to see you again. Is that clear?’
I nodded. Crystal clear.
I made it four miles outside Ballykielty before I had to pull over and give way to my emotions. Facing him again had been terrifying, and I’d managed to let him intimidate me and throw me out yet again. I hadn’t had the last word. I hadn’t stood up to him. For Christ’s sake!
Just as I’d dabbed my eyes and blown my nose, a battered silver Micra pulled up in front of me and a woman with shoulder-length dark hair got out and strode towards my car. Oh Christ, who was this now? Someone to escort me to the airport and make sure I didn’t bring more embarrassment to the village? She knocked on the window. I reluctantly opened the door and got out, preparing myself for a torrent of verbal abuse at best, or a slap at worst.
‘Clare? Is it really yourself?’ said the woman.
‘Who’s asking?’
‘Your big sister.’
I did a double take. ‘Aisling?’
She nodded and her face crumpled as the tears fell. ‘I thought I’d missed you.’ She grabbed me and hugged me tightly. ‘Can you forgive me for not coming after you? I’m your big sister. I should have protected you, but I did nothing. It doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about you every day since you left. I failed you, so I did. I’m so very sorry, Clare.’
I wrapped my arms around her and stroked her hair. ‘I don’t think there’s anything you could have done. I don’t think he’d have let you.’
Dreaming About Daran (Whitsborough BayTrilogy Book 3) Page 9