‘Then it can only get better, can’t it?’
I nodded. I hoped he was right.
‘I know what will make you happy,’ Ben said, as we paused at another set of lights. ‘Although he’s still in your possession, the king’s now mine, isn’t he?’
‘Feck.’ I delved into my bag to retrieve him. ‘I thought you said you were going to make me happy?’
‘I hadn’t finished. Officially, I’m the recipient of the king for finding Shannon before your contact, but I want to give him straight back to you.’
‘Why? What have I done that’s so special?’
‘What have you done? You absolutely rose to that challenge. You dashed straight to the hospital, not caring whether or not you got a bad reception. You blagged your way in; you turned around your daughter’s hostile fiancé. And you let me get away with a load of ageist jokes. Definitely king of the moment. Although, you do realise I’m going to go all out to win him back, don’t you?’
Chapter 21
* To Elise and Sarah
Sorry to do this by text. I wanted to update you both and I don’t have the energy for a phone call tonight so please don’t call me back. Three pieces of news. Great news: Ben found Shannon and I saw her tonight! Bad news: she’s been in a car crash and is in an induced coma while her body recovers. She should pull through OK. Unexpected news: I’m a granny. Yeah, I know! Ben’s already done all the jokes. Will call tomorrow night or over the weekend xx
* From Elise
Oh my goodness! That’s a lot of information in one text. Sitting on my hands to stop me from picking up the phone to find out more. Wonderful news about finding Shannon, although I’m so sorry to hear the circumstances. Keeping everything crossed. She has a baby? I’m assuming we’re talking a baby, given the ages…? Boy or girl? Sorry. Too many questions! Won’t be offended if you don’t text back. Speak tomorrow. Hugs xxx
* To Elise
Ha ha ha. It’s OK. Definitely a baby! Luke. Shannon & her fiancé Callum were on their way to Gretna Green to get married before he was born. Hit by jack-knifing lorry. They had to deliver Luke by C-section. Miracle he’s still with us & healthy. I promise to call tomorrow with full details. At Ben’s now. Need a bottle of wine and time to get my head round it all xx
* From Sarah
OMG! You’ve certainly had a busy evening. I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk xx
I lay on my old bed in Ben’s spare room that night, with the lights off and the curtains open, watching the rain pelting against the window. Despite the best part of a bottle of wine swimming around my bloodstream, I couldn’t relax and switch off. Vivid memories swirled around my head of Shannon being born and placed in my arms for a few brief moments, before the midwife whom Great-Aunt Nuala had hired reached forward and took her away, whispering that it was for the best that I wasn’t given any time to get attached. No time to get attached? What did she think had been happening during the nine months she’d been growing inside me? The next time I saw her had been this evening: a grown woman lying on a hospital bed – her poor young body cut, bruised and hooked up to machines – believing that her own mother had rejected her at birth and then again years later. If she’d inherited any of my fire or my ability to hold a grudge, she certainly wouldn’t accept me with open arms.
My heart actually ached for all the missed years, and a streak of hatred towards Da flowed through me again. When I’d reluctantly agreed to the adoption, I’d always known I was unlikely to see her until she turned 18, and that I’d have to live with the hope that we could be reunited again, knowing that it might not happen if Shannon chose not to get to know me. That had been hard enough. What sort of monster would take that glimmer of hope away? I just didn’t get it. He must have really hated me to do that, but why? Why did my own father hate me so much? I accepted that Daran and I getting together could be seen as scandalous in a small, narrow-minded community like Ballykielty, but he’d covered it up and he’d sent me away. He’d made it clear I wasn’t welcome back and I’d had no intention of returning. He’d removed his problem. He’d punished me for what he perceived to be my crime. So why punish me further by telling me she’d died?
I picked up my iPhone from the bedside table and looked at the clock: 3.17am. Sleep! I needed sleep! Reluctantly, I rolled out of bed and closed the curtains. Maybe a bit less light would help. I needed to stop focusing on Da because, for every moment I wasted thinking about him, I was letting him control me, and he’d done that for far too long. I needed to stop thinking about the wasted years with Shannon and focus on the future with her. Which meant a future with Luke. I smiled at the thought of that tiny little boy in his hospital-loaned blue babygrow, as he’d curled his hand around my little finger and kicked his dumpy legs. I might not have had a chance to be there for my own baby, but I had an opportunity to be there as my grandbaby grew. Daran’s grandbaby.
As I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling and twiddling my Claddagh ring, I imagined Daran looking down on Shannon and Luke, and smiling at the legacy he’d left behind. Christ! Looking down on them? I didn’t believe in all that bollocks, after what had happened to me.
‘Do you believe in God?’ Daran had asked me, about a month after my 16th birthday. ‘I mean, really, truly believe in God.’
Although the day had been mild for early October, the darkness had brought a chill to the air. We were going to need to rethink our farmhouse love nest very soon. I shivered slightly and pulled a blanket over us as I stroked my hand over his bare chest. ‘You won’t be hurt, whatever the answer is?’
‘Nothing you say or do could ever hurt me, Clare.’
‘Even though you believe in God and love Him with all your heart?’
He kissed the top of my head. ‘Not with all of my heart. I did. But then I met you, and you took my breath away and stole my heart.’
My eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t speak. Instead, I reached up and stroked his face, then gently kissed him, my body full of love and longing for this man who had chosen me over the priesthood. I straddled him. ‘One more time, then I’ll answer your question. But, for now, just know that I really and truly believe in you and the fact we’re meant to be together. Always.’
‘You’ll be wanting my answer,’ I said, as I lay beside Daran later, panting.
He laughed. ‘You can get your breath back first. And you don’t have to answer the question if you don’t want to. I think I know the answer and I’m fine with it, so I am.’
I propped myself up onto my elbow. ‘Amazing kisser. Incredible in bed. Will you be adding psychic powers to your list of skills?’
Daran propped himself up on his elbow too so he could look into my eyes. ‘You really think those things about me?’
‘Of course. Of the 47 lads in the village I’ve slept with, you’re definitely the best.’ I winked at him.
He grinned. ‘So are you. Out of the 47 women I’ve slept with. Although, Mrs Shaughnessy was pretty special so that’s some tough competition there.’
I laughed and threw a handful of straw at him. I’d told him about my bet with Orla Brennan on the first day we’d seen him. He’d admitted that she’d flirted with him, but he thought she was just lonely and got a kick out of a bit of male attention. Trust him to see the good in every situation.
I lay back and stared at the dilapidated ceiling. ‘I really am going to answer your question, Daran. I think beliefs are something that an individual develops as they grow and learn, rather than something that can be thrust on them by others. Religion has been thrust on me. In fact, it’s been rammed down my neck by my parents. Instead of the presence of God being presented as a beautiful thing, it’s been used as a bribe and a threat.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘If any of us were naughty, we’d be told that God was watching us and would punish us. If we hurt ourselves, we’d be told that it was Go
d getting His revenge for our wicked thoughts or actions. We were made to believe He was judging us and that we needed to constantly work harder to make Him happy, as though He were always displeased. I found myself wishing He didn’t exist. I hated the idea of this grumpy, old man watching over us, tutting every time I got a word wrong in my school spelling test or slopped gravy on my shirt.’
Daran held me closer and stroked my hair. ‘Is that what you still think?’
I sighed. ‘When I met you, you talked about a different God. A God who was in the flowers, in children laughing, in a kiss. A God who cared, and understood, and forgave. What I’m struggling with is how two people can interpret the same God so differently. Is that because He doesn’t exist and they believe what they want to, or is it because He does exist and what He is depends on the beauty or ugliness inside the believer?’
‘I don’t know your da very well, but from what I do know and from what you’ve told me, I think he’s a man who hides behind religion to control others and manipulate them into doing what he wants them to do. The God I know and love doesn’t sit in judgement. He guides and supports us through good times and challenging times. If you want to imagine Him watching over us and tutting, I think it’s safe to say that it’s your da he’s tutting at for his behaviour.’
‘I like that thought.’ A cold breeze ruffled my hair and I pulled the blanket more tightly across my body.
‘It’s too cold to stay here,’ Daran said. ‘We need to get you dressed and back home, where it’s warm.’
‘I know a way we can warm up,’ I said.
‘Again?’
‘I’ve already told you, you’re an amazing kisser and incredible in bed. Or should that be on a pile of straw and an old blanket? I can’t resist you.’
‘That makes two of us,’ Daran said, as took me in his arms again.
‘I hope God wasn’t watching us while we did that!’ I said, as I pulled on my panties after quite a frantic session. Our lovemaking was becoming more adventurous each time, as we became more familiar with each other’s bodies and what turned us on. ‘What you did with your tongue just now was pretty X-rated. I don’t think He’d have approved one little bit, although I did. You have a massive thumbs-up of approval from me, so you do.’
Daran laughed. ‘I wasn’t sure I was doing it right.’
‘Oh, you were!’
‘Thank you. Let’s say that God approves of our love for each other and, contrary to what your da says, I don’t think He’s watching us every single second, so perhaps He missed the performance this time. Speaking of which, what time is it?’
I glanced at my watch. ‘Jesus, Daran! It’s half eight. Weren’t you meant to be meeting Father Doherty at eight?’
His eyes widened. ‘Where did the time go? Actually, I know the answer to that. Crap! I’m going to have to run. Are you up for it?’
‘You be going. I need to find my runners. I’ll blow the candles out and tidy up a bit.’
‘You’ll be okay on your own? You’ve got a torch?’
‘I’ll be fine and, yes, I’ve got a torch. I’ve been here in the dark on my own a million times. I’m perfectly safe.’
‘I love you.’
‘I love you too. Now, run! And make sure you get that straw out of your hair.’
Daran kissed me, then ran across the farmhouse, pulling on his jumper with one hand and trying to knock straw out of his hair with the other. I finished pulling on my clothes and hunted around for my running shoes. As I bent over to tie the laces, a feeling of unease crept over me. Heart racing, I slowly turned around to face him.
‘That was quite a show the two of you put on again. You know what’s going to happen now, though, don’t you?’
‘Clare! Are you okay?’
I squinted under the bright light.
‘Ben?’
‘You were crying for help.’
My heart was thumping, I was drenched in sweat and I was crying. ‘Bad dream.’ I pushed my hair out of my eyes and wiped my wet cheeks.
Ben knelt on the floor beside me. ‘Can I get you anything? Some water, perhaps?’
I nodded. He held my gaze for a moment, then squeezed my arm gently. He flicked the bedside lamp on, putting the main light off as he left the bedroom.
I sat up and hugged my knees up against my chest. I’d been dreaming about Daran and the night he’d asked me whether I believed in God. That had actually happened. It was a real memory, not a dream. But what about what had happened next? That hadn’t happened. Why had I gone from dreaming about Daran and a real event into a horrible nightmare? Because that’s what it was. A nightmare.
Wasn’t it?
Chapter 22
* To Callum
Looking forward to seeing you all again tonight. Do you need anything? Does Luke?
* From Callum
I’m OK but would be cool if you could get some clothes and nappies for Luke. His are all borrowed from hospital. Laters
* From Ben
Good luck tonight. Are you sure you don’t want me to get my Samaritans shift covered?
* To Ben
Don’t you dare! You’ve done enough already. I’ll call you tomorrow
Looking at the pile of carrier bags in the boot of my car, I chewed on my thumbnail and hoped I’d chosen well. I’d dashed around several high-street stores in Leeds city centre at lunchtime, realising I knew absolutely nothing about babies and what they wore. Tiny Baby, Early Baby, New Baby, First Size, Newborn, 0-3 Months, Less Than 5.5lb, 5-7lb. And don’t get me started on the nappy choices... Argh! Who knew there were so many options for what appeared to be exactly the same thing? No wonder so many new mums suffered from postnatal depression. As if having a new life to take care of weren’t scary enough, a trip to the shops would absolutely tip them over the edge! I’d finally settled on a combination of Newborn and 0-3 Months clothes, a similar size in super-absorbent nappies and a bottle of pretty much everything in the Johnson’s Baby range. It’d be grand.
I lifted the bags out of the boot, shoved a fluffy, cream teddy bear under my arm and headed into Jimmy’s to meet Callum on the maternity ward, as agreed, before going to see Shannon.
Luke was awake. God, did we know it! My shoulders tensed as his cries pierced through me.
‘Jesus!’ I said, when I’d greeted Callum and been introduced to Kelly, the nurse gently rocking Luke. I recognised her as the same nurse from the evening before. ‘He’s got a good pair of lungs on him, so he has.’
Kelly smiled at me. ‘Believe it or not, he’s pretty quiet compared to some of the bairns we meet. And just youse imagine what it’s like when they all cry at the same time. It’s mental, man!’ She reached for a bottle of milk and gave it a shake. ‘Are youse ready?’
Callum had propped his crutches against the wall and was settling into a chair beside Luke’s crib. He draped a cloth over his arm. ‘Ready.’ Then he looked at me. ‘Unless you’d like to…?’
I shook my head quickly. ‘You’re settled now. And your little man is starving, so I wouldn’t want to delay his tea.’
Callum reached out for Luke, then the bottle. ‘In that case, you can be on nappy-changing duty.’
Bollocks. Was it too late to ask to feed him instead?
‘I’ll leave youse to it,’ said Kelly. ‘Just shout if youse need owt.’
‘Thanks, Kelly.’
‘You look like you’ve been doing this all your life,’ I said, watching Callum’s natural ease with admiration.
‘There were babies in some of my foster families. I got used to them.’
I took a seat beside him. ‘How long were you in foster care?’
‘Since I was six.’
‘What happened to your parents?’
‘My mum’s dead and I don’t know who my dad is. I don’t think my mum knew, either.’
He shrugged dismissively. ‘Shit happens. She had loads of boyfriends when I was young. They were all tossers. One used to hit us. My teacher spotted it and I ended up in care, like. Mum stayed with him. He used to beat the crap out of her, but she blamed herself for his moods and wouldn’t leave him, because she supposedly loved him. He got her into drugs. It was a bit of pot at first, but it got more serious when he started dealing.’
Callum paused to wipe away some milk that had dribbled down Luke’s chin. ‘When I was 11, she overdosed, and that was that.’
The question popped out before I had engaged my brain. ‘Deliberately?’
He played with Luke’s pudgy hand before he answered. ‘They don’t think so. We’ll never know for sure. There was no, like, note so the verdict was accidental death. She’d have died young anyway ’cos of the drugs.’
‘Did you ever see her after you were placed in care?’
‘A couple of times a year for the first few years, but she was so drugged up that she didn’t really know who I was. Not exactly what you’d call a responsible adult. The visits stopped. I wasn’t bothered. I’d, like, got used to life without her.’
‘Sounds like you had a tough childhood.’
Callum shook his head. ‘It wasn’t so bad. My foster families were cool. Life was better than it would have been with Mum. And if I hadn’t been in care, I’d never have met Shannon.’ His eyes lit up at the mere mention of her name. He stroked Luke’s head. ‘And we’d never have had you, would we? I know you might think we’re young to have a baby, but I had to grow up a lot quicker than most kids my age. Shannon says I act like I’m 38 instead of 18. Says she’s going to buy me a pipe and slippers.’
I smiled. As if I’d judge anyone for having a baby young! I wanted to ask more. I knew first-hand what it was like to be abandoned by your family, but I had no idea what it was like to be brought up by strangers. Plus, I’d only had four years with Great-Aunt Nuala before I left for university, whereas Callum had spent most of his life living with strangers. How had that affected him? How had it affected Shannon? How would it affect how she felt about me?
Dreaming About Daran (Whitsborough BayTrilogy Book 3) Page 13