by A. J. Markam
“I won’t, I swear.”
“And don’t trust her. I mean, any more than you have to. She lied to us before, and she’ll do it again.”
“I promise I’ll keep both eyes open and trust her only as much as I need to.” I turned to Stig. “Take good care of Alaria for me, okay?”
“Okay, boss.”
I pulled Alaria close to me and kissed her. She hung on to me, desperate to keep me there with her – but it was time to go.
I turned to Grung. “All right, let’s get this over with.”
I crawled up into the chamber originally meant for the missile reloading mechanism. He had placed it on the ground, leaving me plenty of room to hide inside his metallic body.
Theoretically.
In reality, it was like being inside a coffin that was 50% too small.
“Jesus Christ,” I muttered as I crammed myself inside the hole.
“Did he get inside one of those things?” Stig asked, perplexed.
“No, and he at least had a rock he could roll out of the way,” I griped as I contorted my body like I was in Cirque du Soleil. My knees were up against my chest, my arms were smashed against my face, and I could barely breathe.
The last time I had been this cramped was back in the womb.
Let’s just hope getting out this time wasn’t as difficult as when I was born. My mom still complains about the 18 hours of labor.
“Okay,” I wheezed. “I’m ready.”
A motor whirred, and the gullwing door slowly closed over Grung’s rib cage. I was plunged into darkness with the smell of machine oil and metal all around me.
Holy fuck knuckles, this was a bad idea.
“I AM GOING DOWN THE CLIFF NOW,” Grung said. His voice reverberated all around me like the voice of God.
“Fine,” I managed to squeak.
And thus began my descent into hell.
I could hear Grung’s inner gears clattering and clanking all around me as he walked.
There was a terrifying pitch backwards as he started to slide down the escarpment. His feet grated across the rocks, which vibrated throughout his frame – and me. I felt like I was trapped inside a dorm-room fridge-sized vibrator.
Then it turned into the world’s worst water slide without any water.
We slid sideways, backwards, sideways again, and then everything went topsy-turvy as we somersaulted over and over with a deafening CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
Oh God, please don’t let me throw up in here – I don’t want to drown in my own vomit!
The somersaulting finally stopped and Grung came to a halt. I wound up with my entire body weight pressing my face against a metal panel.
Fuuuuuck…
“ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, IAN?” Grung’s voice rumbled all around me.
“Fine,” I mumbled as I tried to keep the contents of my stomach where they belonged.
There was more whirring and clanking, and we rose vertiginously up into the air – but at least I was right-side up again.
I could hear every motorized stride of Grung’s legs and feel every crunching footstep on the ground.
After about four minutes, a harsh, muffled voice called out, “You – what in Dvrak’s name are you doing out here?”
An orc – probably a guard on patrol.
“I AM A WAR GOLEM,” Grung’s voice reverberated around me.
“I can see that! Why aren’t you with the others?!”
“I MALFUNCTIONED BACK AT BASE AND SHUT DOWN. WHEN I WOKE UP, EVERYONE WAS GONE. I ONLY NOW JUST ARRIVED.”
“Go over there where you belong!”
“THANK YOU, I WILL,” Grung said, and began walking again. After another minute of jostling around, I began to hear the muffled chatter and shouts of the war camp all around me.
“IAN, I’M HERE,” Grung said as quietly as he could, although his voice still echoed all around me. “WHAT SHOULD I DO?”
“Do you see Orlo or Soraiya anywhere?”
“NO.”
As much as I wanted to get the hell out of my tiny metal coffin, I knew it was more important to stick to the plan.
“Walk around and see if you can spot her. If anybody gives you any grief, tell them you just got here and need to report in first.”
Grung did just that, walking around the camp, occasionally fielding angry shouts from orcs who cursed him out for not staying with the other war golems.
To distract myself from the stifling, cramped, foul-smelling hellhole I had subjected myself to, I brought up my message app and scrolled through the replies.
Unfortunately, there weren’t as many as I had hoped. Most said they would try to make it as fast as they could, although a few begged out.
One in particular stood out from the rest.
I had sent it to an acquaintance – not one of my favorite people, but he had the added advantage of being a much higher level than me. If he could show up and fight, he would be worth four or five other players just on his own.
Yep, I’m talking about Robert the QC Warlock.
At least he had responded right away, which was more than I could say for most of the people on my Friends List.
As I read the words in his reply, I imagined his Matthew McConaughey-esque voice.
Ian –
Wish I could help you out, ese, but I’m too far away to get there in time. Good luck.
The thing about the graveyards isn’t that big a deal. I’m assuming you’re not Level 24 yet, but when you are you’ll get a new power that – well, I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Just level up as fast as you can, muchacho. Hopefully it’ll happen before the battle so you can take full advantage of it.
I was at the low end of 23 and nowhere near Level 24 – so NO, Robert, I wasn’t going to get it before the battle. Thanks for explaining exactly what the power was, though. VERY helpful.
By the way, I used the advice you gave me on threesomes. SUCCESS! Had my first ménage à trois the other day with Kilara. Magnificent. The other chick was a water elf, second in hotness only to my lady. It went down like this (as did the chicks, if you get my drift)…
And then he went on for three fucking pages about how many times he boned his water elf and succubus.
Typical Robert. One line saying he was sorry he couldn’t help… another line saying something that might have helped, but was too fucking vague to be of any use whatsoever… and then three pages of explicit details about his sex life, which I had absolutely no interest in.
Just as I was about to reply, Grung’s voice vibrated all around me.
“MISTRESS SORAIYA.”
My stomach twisted in anticipation, and I shut down the messaging app so I could pay full attention to what was going on.
I heard Soraiya answer, although she sounded cold and imperious – completely different from what I was used to. “Which one are you?”
“GRUNG.”
“Oh yes, I remember you,” she said in a bored voice. “Why aren’t you with the others?”
“I WAS DAMAGED AND ARRIVED SEPARATELY AFTER THE REST OF THE CARAVAN.”
“Well, get back with them and stay there,” she snapped.
“BEFORE I LEFT HOME, I ENCOUNTERED A HUMAN WARLOCK AND A SUCCUBUS IN ROBOT FORM.”
There was a pause, and then Soraiya’s voice became closer to what I was used to. “What happened to them?”
“I KILLED THEM.”
It was a test. Alaria had been so damn certain that Soraiya would turn on us again that she’d insisted on vetting her first.
“…what?” Soraiya said in a daze.
“I HEARD THEM TALKING ABOUT KILLING MASTER ORLO, SO I ATTACKED THEM. I HAD TO EXPEND MOST OF MY ARMAMENTS, AND THERE WAS A GREAT DEAL OF DAMAGE DONE TO THE HANGAR AS A RESULT, BUT THEY ARE BOTH DEAD.”
“…I see…”
“DID I NOT DO THE RIGHT THING?”
“…what? No, no… you did well. I just… never mind.”
Her voice sounded – sad wasn’t the word, but definitely stunned. Ma
ybe even wistful.
She quickly recovered her bitchy schoolmarm voice. “Now go stay with the other war golems.”
“ACTUALLY, THERE IS ONE MORE THING – BUT IT IS A SENSITIVE MATTER, AND I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT IT IN PRIVATE. MAY WE GO SOMEPLACE TO TALK?”
“I’m busy, Grung.”
“IT IS URGENT, MISTRESS, AND OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE.”
“Then tell me now.”
“WE MUST SPEAK IN PRIVATE.”
Soraiya harrumphed like a bratty teenage girl. “Fine. Lead the way.”
Grung walked for about 30 seconds until the chatter of the camp died away.
“Well?” Soraiya demanded.
“ACTUALLY, EVERYTHING I TOLD YOU WAS A LIE. IAN AND ALARIA ARE BOTH ALIVE.”
“What?! Really?!”
She sounded far more enthused – but then her voice took on a more suspicious tone. “Then why did you lie to me?”
“BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF WHO MIGHT OVERHEAR.”
“Where are they?”
“IN A SECRET LOCATION FAR AWAY FROM HERE. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?”
“Take me to them immediately!” she exclaimed.
“AS YOU WISH.”
A motor whirred, the gullwing door pulled away from Grung’s ribcage, blinding sunlight filled my little metal coffin, and I tumbled out ten feet and crashed onto the ground in a pile.
“Hey,” I coughed. “Long time no see.”
Soraiya’s face was the definition of surprise. She looked at me in absolute shock – and then you would’ve thought she had won the lottery.
“IAN!” she cried out.
She fell to her knees and French-kissed me with abandon. And grabbed my crotch to boot.
“MMMPH!” I yelled into her mouth as I pushed her away.
She looked puzzled. “What? What’s wrong?”
“I, uh, I promised Alaria there wouldn’t be any hanky-panky going on.”
I had thought Alaria was just being paranoid. I figured there was no way anything would happen – that I wouldn’t even be given the opportunity to cheat. It was an enemy camp, after all, surrounded by thousands of bloodthirsty orcs.
I guess Alaria knew succubi way better than I did.
“Where is she?” Soraiya asked.
“She’s up on the hill – but right now I need your help.”
“Anything!”
I looked around. We were in back of a bunch of tents – officers’ quarters, I was guessing. There were orcs around, but the closest was a couple hundred feet away and looking elsewhere.
“Do you know the guy who summoned that Orcish god this morning?”
“The Blue Priest? I’ve met him, yes.”
“Is he a demon named Dorp?”
Soraiya gawped in amazement. “How did you know that?”
“Because he used to work for me.”
Her eyes bugged out. “You have got to be kidding me.”
“No. And I need to talk to him as soon as possible.”
She arched one eyebrow and looked like she was pondering the possibility. “I think I can sneak you in.”
“Great. Can we do it now?”
“Absolutely. We just need a disguise for you.”
“How about a cloak?” I suggested.
“That would work perfectly.”
Ha!
Suck on THAT, Alaria!
Soraiya looked up at Grung. “You’ll need to return to the other war golems, though. You’re attracting attention here, and we can’t have that right now.”
Grung looked down at me for confirmation.
“It’s okay,” I nodded. “And don’t worry – I won’t leave without you.”
“DO YOU PROMISE?”
“I promise.”
“ALRIGHT…” Grung said, then shuffled off to join his compatriots on the other side of camp.
“What was all that about?” Soraiya asked.
“Long story. How about that cloak?”
“I need to go grab one and make sure Dorp isn’t surrounded by the general’s men. Stay right here and I’ll be back.”
She stood up and disappeared through the space between two tents.
HA!
I felt totally vindicated. All of Alaria’s paranoia had been for naught; Soraiya was still on our side.
I was rehearsing my speech to Dorp when 30 orcs spilled out from the tents around me, their scimitars and war hammers at the ready.
I froze and stared at them. “Um… hi…”
Soraiya stepped out from amongst them, a fierce look on her face. Strangely, though, she held a black cloak in her hands, like she’d actually gone and fetched it for me.
“Seize the human!” she yelled, at which point the orcs rushed in.
“Fucking BITCH!” I screamed, but I think ‘bitch’ got muffled when one of the orcs body-slammed me into the grass.
I pictured Alaria with arms folded, shaking her head in disgust.
I concentrated on my imminent ass-whupping instead. I wasn’t really in the mood for I-told-you-so’s.
The orcs stomped me until I was within a few thousand hit points of death. Luckily Shyvock’s poisoned arrow had worn off long ago, and I was able to adjust my pain levels to near zero. So I basically felt like a rubber chicken getting kicked around by a bunch of toddlers.
“That’s enough,” Soraiya ordered as I was approaching death. Then she fastened a chain around my neck and yanked me to my feet. “I’ll handle him from here.”
As she led me through the camp toward the tents, I muttered, “You’re a good actress, I’ll give you that.”
“Thank you,” she said smugly.
“The French-kissing was over the top, though. I should have known it was fake after that.”
She looked back at me, amused. “You think that was acting?”
“Obviously.”
“The only acting I did was when I pretended to be on the orcs’ side.”
I stared at her. “What?”
“I’m on your side, Ian, not theirs.”
Maybe the orcs had stomped me harder than I’d thought, because absolutely none of this was making sense. “Why’d you have them beat the shit out of me, then?!”
“There are hundreds of spies in this camp. Any one of them could have seen me talking to you, so I had to make your capture look realistic.”
“If you were so worried about being seen, then why’d you French kiss me?!”
“That part was spontaneous, and a mistake on my part,” she admitted. “But if anyone saw it, I could just say it was a magical succubus attack intended to stun you into submission and make you more docile.”
The ‘magical’ part might not have been the case, but the rest wasn’t too far from the truth.
Before I could form a coherent response, Soraiya continued. “You’ll notice that I ordered your companion back to the other war golems.”
“So?”
“So I didn’t want both of you getting caught.”
“…oh…”
Then I got angry again.
“But if you take me in there in front of everybody in chains, I’m screwed!”
“I’m only doing it to get you to your demon friend. Here,” she said as she handed the black cloak to me surreptitiously.
Suddenly, ‘2000 XP’ glowed in the air and a message appeared:
You have penetrated DEEP inside the orcs!
In fact, no one has EVER been THIS deep inside them before!
Oh God.
Magical Orcish Cloak: +12 Armor, +25 Stamina, +10 Critical Strike
Aha. So I’d completed the quest.
“When you two walk out of here,” Soraiya continued, “you’ll need to look like something other than a pasty white human.”
“Um, yeah… about that…” I said as I put the cloak in my bag.
“What?”
“I’m not entirely sure he’s going to come with me.”
Soraiya stopped and turned around in amazement. “What?”
/> “Yeah… he might not come.”
She stared at me. “Might not?”
“There’s a chance, yeah.”
“What kind of a chance?”
“Fifty-fifty. At best.”
She continued to stare at me. “Let me get this straight. You broke into an Orcish war camp in broad daylight to rescue someone who might not want to be rescued… because why, exactly?”
“I, uh… I needed to apologize to him.”
Now that I said it out loud, I had to admit, it sounded pretty dumb.
Soraiya’s mouth dropped open, but she didn’t say anything.
I sighed. “Look, I know it probably sounds stupid to you – ”
“Stupid? No. Not at all.”
“Oh,” I said, happily surprised.
Then she continued.
“It’s imbecilic. Idiotic. Moronic. It is quite literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard anyone do in my entire life, and I’m several hundred years old, so I’ve seen and heard about a lot of stupid things.”
I frowned. “I liked it better when you were just leading me to the tent in silence.”
“Too bad,” she snapped, and started dragging me by the chain again. “If this plan blows up in your face – which I’m betting it will – I’m not going down with you, understand? You can live and die by your own stupidity, but leave me out of it.”
“Fine. Just get me to Dorp.”
27
We entered one of the larger tents and walked past a couple of orc guards. I guess Soraiya had some real pull, because neither of them blinked an eye.
The interior of the tent was somewhat rough, although it was still luxurious by orc standards. There were chairs upholstered with animal hides, and a collection of bottles filled with what I presumed was alcohol. Several torches dispelled the gloom with a tiny bit of light.
There was a bed at the far end covered in more animal hides, on which lay a familiar figure. My illusion demon looked the same as the last time I’d seen him in Exardus, except his skinny frame was covered in a white robe that offset his blue skin.
As we entered the room, he was lying on his back with one sleeved arm on his face, blocking out the torchlight. As soon as he heard the jingling of my chain, he took his arm away from his face and looked up. “I’m sorry, I don’t want any visitors right – ”