The Last Crusade

by Ira Tabankin

  “Oh, no. I don’t want your money, I want to embarrass you. I want to ruin you and your family name. Chelsea won’t be able to show her face at McDonalds. By the way, I’m having a DNA test run on Bills sperm, I don’t believe Chelsea is his daughter; we’re going to find out and publish the results of the DNA test next week. Then I’m going to leak your relationship with Huma, I bet those in the Bible belt are going to be so happy they voted for you.”

  “If you do that, I’ll find you and have you killed!”

  “Thank you, I’ve been waiting for you to say that. I’ve been recording our conversation; I wonder how much I can sell it for? I’m thinking one hundred million, don’t you agree?”

  “I will track you down, your days are numbered.”

  “So are yours. I wouldn’t get too conformable in the White House; I have a feeling you won’t be there very long.”

  Click.

  Huma rushes into the Oval Office,

  “Madam President, the news organizations are going crazy over a video about Bill. He supposedly says some nasty things about you and us. They’re all calling asking for your comment.”

  “The full video is on my laptop, watch it then we’ll discuss it.”

  Thirty minutes later, Huma stands up saying,

  “Holy shit!”

  “Tell me about it. The asshole outdid himself this time. I think I’m going to have to drop him and move on. Call my lawyer to prepare the papers.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  While Huma calls Hillary’s lawyer from a side phone in the Oval office the intercom rings, Huma picks up the handset, listening, the color drains from her face,

  “Madam President, you need to take this, it’s the Caliphate Prime Minister.”

  “Mr. Prime Minister, Salam wa aleikum.”

  “Ms. Whore, may your soul burn in hell forever.”

  “In that case, what do you want?”

  “Why did you supply advanced weapons to Egypt?”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Didn’t you get the three am call about the Egyptian attack?”

  “Yes, however, it didn’t concern us so I didn’t take the call.”

  “You should have, the Egyptians caused us billions of dollars in losses, they used weapons we didn’t know they possessed. Did you sell or give them the advanced weapons to use against us?”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “I will take that as you’re too stupid to know. I can’t wait until the flag of Allah flies over the White House and you serve my troops on your knees. The proper place for you is on your knees before the holy warriors.”

  “Don’t talk to me that way.”

  “I’ll talk to you any way I want. Since I believe you sold the Egyptians the advanced weapons, we’ll see how your economy functions without oil. In a few minutes, I’m going to announce a full oil embargo against the West. Ms. President, since you’re a demon, and agent of Satan, I know you will enjoy hell.”

  Click

  “Damn him! HUMA!”

  Huma sticks her head in the Oval Office,

  “Madam President?”

  “The Caliphate is going to embargo oil.”

  “Like they did in the ancient history of the 70s?”

  “Yes, or worse. You better alert the broadcasters, I’ll need to address the nation.”

  “Yes, ma’am, when do you want to address the nation.”

  “In one hour. Get my hairdresser and make-up artist in here right now. Damn, increase my headache meds, it’s not going away.”

  An hour later Ms. Clayton sits behind her desk in the Oval Office with twenty cameras arranged around the front of her. She looks at the light in front of the main camera when it turns red, she looks into the camera, places a phony smile on her face, saying,

  “Good morning my fellow Americans, I’m sorry to have to interrupt you this morning with very bad news. I’ve recently received a call from the Caliphate’s Prime Minister, who has informed me the Caliphate is going to embargo all oil exports to non-Muslim nations. I’m sure the embargo will be for a very short time until the loss of revenue begins to hurt their economies, we have our strategic reserve and our current drilling. This embargo is nothing to worry about. I wanted you to hear about it from me and not be worried when you hear about it from the Caliphate, in fact, I think we should use the embargo as the catalyst to kick start our development of new fuels, this is the perfect time to move away from petroleum. We’ve relied on dead dinosaurs for over one hundred fifty years, it’s time for us to move to the next step. I’ll be helping us move away from oil by raising the MPG targets for new cars to 76MPG. I picked 76MPG to celebrate our founding in 1776. Together we can get through this little bump in the road. Thank you, I hope you all have a wonderful day.”

  “Madam President, would you like to comment on the video showing your husband in a comprising position?”

  “I haven’t seen the faked video yet, so I’m not able to comment.”

  “Madam President, if you haven’t seen it, how can you say it’s a faked video. We’ve had it reviewed by video experts who have sworn it’s an unaltered video.”

  “There are experts and there are experts until the government’s video experts have a chance to review the video, I won’t have any comment.”

  “If the video is real, will you be staying with him?”

  “I have no comment because I have not seen the video in question.”

  “Madam President, Bill is heard saying some very interesting things about you, your Chief of Staff and how you got elected, do you have any comments?”

  “How can I have any comments if I haven’t seen the video? It must be one of those faked videos like the millions of them on YouTube.”

  “Madam President, there are rumors flying around that the Russian Ambassador met with you, that he threatened you with releasing emails you supposedly erased.”

  “The government of the United States doesn’t comment on rumors. If there is nothing else, thank you and good day.”

  “Madam President, do you have a comment on the war in Egypt?”

  “I said, no more questions.”

  Ms. Clayton unclips her mic, she walks off the stage in the Press Room without caring the cameras are still rolling. When she is alone in the Oval Office, she buzzes for Huma, “Who leaked the rumor about the emails?”

  “We don’t know.”

  “Locate them and have them removed, permanently.”

  “I understand. Should we use the same contractor?”

  “Yes, a nice accident would be perfect, make it quick. I can’t afford to have this rumor grow.”

  “I’ll make the call as soon as we’re finished.”

  “We’re finished, make the call and will someone please find my asshole of a husband?!”

  “Ma’am we’re looking for him.”

  “I bet he’s shacked up again, he’s worse than an ally cat. He’s seventy but still wants to be a teenager.”

  @@@@@

  Ali Muhammad Tanvir stands in his finest white robes, trimmed in gold, smiling into the media’s cameras,

  “Allah has blessed his people by giving us huge underground lakes of oil and natural gas. For over one hundred years we have kept the world’s economy lubricated with our oil. We’ve allowed the infidel nations of the world to rape us, they’ve invaded us, they’ve redrawn our maps, they’ve created the false nation of the Little Satan, I shan’t say the name of the country. The world has pushed us around because they think we’re stupid Arabs. Allah bid his time until we were strong enough to stand on our own feet and look into the eyes of the world. The world will soon feel Allah’s wrath. Today we’re not small, backward nations, we are the twenty-four nation strong Caliphate, we are growing, we can’t be held back or attacked. Allah has told us we need to ensure the gifts he’s given us are used for the benefit of our people. Henceforth, none of our oil shall flow to any infidel nation unless they ag
ree to pay us a Jizya (a tax non-Muslims have to pay to Muslims) The Jizya is being set at one hundred dollars a barrel, payable only in gold! This is on top of the price of a barrel of oil.”

  I’m also excited to announce that effective today, the Caliphate will be basing our currency on the gold standard. Our currency will be based on gold and silver coins and electronic currency backed by gold and silver. We are giving our citizens three months to convert their paper currency into the gold backed electronic currency, our people won’t suffer the crushing inflation the rest of the world is facing. We will no longer accept dollars for the purchase of oil, all purchases have to be made in gold. While the Great Satan has a debt exceeding $22 trillion, the Caliphate is debt free! If we can’t conquer the world by the sword, we will own their countries by buying their debt and calling in payment! You can’t defeat Allah. You can plot, you can plan, but remember, Allah is the master of plotting and planning. You can’t win, it would be easier for your people if you surrender to us now. If not, your people will be cold in the winter, they will sweat in the summer when your electrical plants run out of fuel. Thanks to President Obama stopping all coal-fired plants and the rest of the world following due to the Paris Global Warming Accords, you are faced with paying us our asking price plus Jizya or going without. Your millions of cars will coast to a stop without gasoline, your offices and factories will grind to a halt. You think you can quickly turn your own oil drilling back on? Last year when the price per barrel crashed, we bought up all of the drilling machines and equipment we could locate, we own more than eighty-five percent of all of the idle drilling equipment. You’re going to have to spend YEARS rebuilding drilling rigs before you can reopen your wells. While your oil companies were going bankrupt, we were buying them. We own most of the land in the American Dakotas, we won’t allow you to frack for the oil on our land. We won’t allow you to mine the tar sands. You thought you were so smart, in reality, we’ve been planning this for a very long time, we have you by your balls. Forgive me, I should have said, we’d have you by your balls if you had any. You are eunuchs, you sold your own salvation, we own you, now you will begin paying us back for the years you mistreated Islam.

  Some of you think that America, the world’s superpower will save you. You remember the two American Crusades of Iraq. You fondly remember how quickly America broke the back of the Iraqi army. America is no longer able to save you, or even herself. Allah has also handed us the weapon to destroy America. We have in our possession all of the whore’s deleted and hidden emails. She told the world she erased 30,000 personal emails, emails between her and her cheating husband. None of the deleted emails were to or from her husband, they were all top secret or above. We have all of them, if America tries to interfere with us, we will begin releasing the emails allowing the world to read the dirt from the highest positions of the American government, including emails from Obama, some even discuss his legal status to be President. America, if you’d like to maintain any degree of normalcy, you’ll do as we demand.

  “Good night, Allah Akbar!”

  There are billions of shocked faces around the world. The talking heads are speechless for a minute before pandemonium breaks out.

  “How did they get the President’s deleted emails? They have to be bluffing.”

  “An oil embargo, I thought Carter set up the EPA so we wouldn’t see another one.”

  “What difference does it make? Didn’t you hear the President this morning? She’s going to fund new fuel sources.”

  “By the time they finish setting up various committees, we’ll be out of oil.”

  Another so called expert nods his head,

  “Why can’t we just turn the fracking back on?”

  “Don’t you remember, President Obama outlawed all fracking on the eve of him leaving office, Hillary said she would honor his Executive Order. Even if she overrode his order, if what the Caliphate said is true, they own most of the fracking land, and drilling rigs, they’ll sue us for trespassing. They’ll tie us up in court for years.”

  “I say, let them, the President should nationalize the land and kick the towel heads out of the country, she should forbid them from owning any land in America.”

  “She can’t! They’re holding her emails over her head, plus who knows how much they’ve paid her over the years. They truly own her.”

  The Fox News expert shakes his head,

  “I told everyone her emails were going to come back and bite us all in the ass, she should be impeached! She’s done more damage to us in a month than Obama did in eight years. She should be in jail.”

  “Calm down, there’s no proof she’s done anything wrong.”

  “Congress needs to appoint a special prosecutor to look into what happened to the FBI investigation and why the Director of the FBI resigned in the middle of the night and disappeared. What was the result of their investigation? Who blocked further research of her emails?”

  The Fox News expert laughed,

  “You, in the mainstream media, refused to run any stories on her emails, you said she did nothing wrong, you fought to block fracking, you fought to cancel the use of coal, look where it’s gotten us! We have enough oil and gas in our own country to support us for more than four-hundred years and you progressives blocked us from using it. We paid trillions of dollars to countries which hate us, our chickens are coming home to roost now, we’ve screwed ourselves.”

  One of the MSNBC anchors jumps in saying,

  “We can force them to sell us the oil, our military will break their embargo. I’m not worried.”

  “You will be when your limo runs out of fuel. Maybe you forgot, we have the smallest military since the First World War. We have only six active carriers left. Obama and Clayton retired the others. We have only twenty fighter wings, if they did hack Clayton’s email server, they most likely also have the reports on every piece of military hardware we have, they most likely know all of our problems and how to fight our equipment. I don’t think we can win a war against them, what happens if Russia supports the Caliphate?”

  “They wouldn’t!”

  “Why not? They have their own oil; they don’t need to import any from the Caliphate. They’d love to see us crawl and beg for mercy.”

  The American public’s mood is very dark, the majority of people are frustrated and angry. They feel they’ve been betrayed. Their anger is focused on the President. The majority of the people are fed up with the lies coming out of Washington. Lies about the President’s email scandal, lies about who owns the fracking land, lies about the reason for blocking coal, lies about the Caliphate, everything coming from the mainstream media and the government is a lie. Talk radio’s ratings double in two days while the main street media’s news program’s ratings fall like a brick from a roof. People begin to wake up to the fact the media’s been lying to them for years. People panic, some of the seniors remember the last oil embargo and the long lines to buy gas. People quickly buy out the current inventory of gas cans, filling them and storing them in their homes. Most don’t know how to safely store gasoline, many homes explode from the gas fumes stored too close to their furnaces. Stealing gasoline becomes the new “in” crime, cars left on the street or in driveways quickly learn their gas tanks have been emptied in the middle of the night. Police departments who have had their numbers cut in almost every major city, refuse to waste any time on gasoline theft, they know it’s impossible to prove where gasoline came from. Local news reporters and newspapers scream for support. Police departments remind their mayors they only have so many people. They’re also targets of the gasoline thieves when police cars’ tanks are emptied. The budget-cut police departments can’t afford to buy gasoline at $15 a gallon. They begin parking many of their cars. Smaller towns return to using horses to patrol their streets.

  The Mayor of Chicago fires the entire police department for not stopping the theft of gasoline, he appoints local groups to police their neighborhoods, he quickly learns that not
only was gasoline still being stolen, now the cars and trucks are also being stolen. Homes are broken into. Incorrectly stored gasoline blows up, burning down four blocks in Philadelphia, three blocks in Chicago and setting blaze to the marina district in Baltimore. The Fire Department refused to enter the area because they are being shot at. The FD sat on the outskirts of the fire watching it burn. The Mayor claimed they refused to put the fire out because most of the tenants in the area are black. He fires the Fire Department, asking the local community to work together to put the fire out, they have no idea how to put fires out. Twenty people are injured, ten burned to death while the fires continue burning out of control. The mayor goes on television blaming the Tea Party and Conservatives for not putting the fire out. He blames whites for refusing to enter minority neighborhoods to put fires out. He spends two hours on television placing blame everywhere, except where it belongs, at his feet.