His eyes opened more, and he focused on coming out of his dream state. When he saw the blood, he grew fully awake and alert.
“Baby,” I repeated, tears falling down my cheeks.
He rushed me to the hospital.
But I already knew what was to come.
I stared at the doctor with tears in my eyes in a state of complete disbelief.
“Everything’s okay?” I asked the doctor for the hundredth time. Damian’s hand was wrapped around mine. Even though my nerves were shot, his comfort was wrapping me up tight in his hold.
“Yes. Again, it’s called preeclampsia. And with your past struggles of being pregnant, I believe it is important to monitor this closely. With your blood pressure being so high and the swelling of your ankles, I am going to suggest bedrest for the remainder of your pregnancy. There is also a list of dietary changes we can add to your plan to help with this, and the medications I mentioned previously.”
“Is this because of my weight?” I asked, feeling shaky. I heard Jeff in the back of my mind, telling me how the loss of my previous pregnancies was my fault. “Did I do this?”
The doctor smiled as he shook his head. “Actually, there can be many causes for preeclampsia. All that matters is we caught it early enough, and we are able to monitor it from here on out.”
“And by bedrest, do you mean staying down completely or…?” Damian asked.
“Good question. Yes, we are going to request full bedrest based on Stella’s levels and blood pressure,” the doctor said.
My chest tightened. “I’m only five months pregnant. You’re saying I need to be on bedrest, in my bed, for the next four months?”
He frowned, knowing it wasn’t the most ideal idea. “I know this can be a lot to handle—”
“Are you kidding? I have a job. I have commission projects. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that,” I explained. “And will this even help the baby? Is there still a chance I’ll lose it?”
I felt a squeeze of my hand and looked at Damian. His blue ocean eyes locked with my panicked stare. “We’ll figure it out.”
“But…”
“I’ll take care of you, Stella,” he whispered.
I parted my lips to respond as tears streamed down my cheeks. No words came. I closed my eyes, feeling overwhelmed by the idea of losing said baby.
“I’ll take care of you,” he repeated, sending a wave of comfort through my system. He then spoke to the doctor, asking for a list of things we should watch out for during the next few months.
When the doctor mentioned the possibility of blood clots in the legs from laying down so much, Damian smiled, trying to ease my worries. “I guess it’s my turn to be the one giving massages.”
He’ll take care of us, I thought to myself, taking in as many breaths as I could.
Damian drove us home, and the whole time I was silent, yet my thoughts were screaming. When I did speak, my words weren’t the positive ones that Damian was probably used to from me.
“I can’t believe I did this to the baby,” I softly spoke.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Stella.”
“I did. I know I did. Just like with the ones before. It’s my weight. It’s always been my weight. If I didn’t… If all those years ago, I would’ve listened to the stepmothers who told me to get in shape. If I would’ve just—”
“You’re more than enough,” he said, reaching out with one hand and rubbing my leg. “Don’t do that, Stella. It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself.”
It was almost impossible not to do just that.
After we made it home, Damian parked the car and turned to me. “Are you okay?” he asked.
I stared forward. Frozen. Unable to answer.
Unable to do anything.
He climbed out of the car and walked over to my door. He opened it and reached in, lifting me into his arms. He carried me into the house, into his bedroom, and laid me down in our bed. I rolled onto my side, and he lay across from me. Our eyes locked, and he moved a piece of fallen hair from in front of my face.
“It’s not your fault,” he repeated.
A lone tear rolled down my cheek. I wasn’t certain that I had any more of those left within me.
He leaned in and kissed it away, then he rested his forehead against mine.
“It’s not your fault,” he said once more.
Four words.
They were the only four words he spoke for the remainder of the night. He repeated them as if he were a record that played on an eternal loop. He played them while my inhalations were a struggle and my exhalations were packed with pain. He played those four words as my eyes grew heavy. He played those four words as sleep found me slowly, and his body intertwined with mine.
He gave me those four words, and before darkness overtook my soul for the night, I gave him four words back. They were quiet, and broken, and scarred, but they were all I had to offer him after he stayed so close for so many hours.
With my eyes closed, I parted my lips and whispered, “I love you, too.”
I’d been sitting in a pool of unease, unable to shake off the nerves of something being wrong. There was a heaviness in my chest that made me so fearful of the future. My mind went to the darkest place. Something was wrong with the baby. I knew it was. I felt it deep in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong with the thing I cared about most.
I couldn’t be alone.
I felt awful about that fact, but my anxiety was too high when I was alone. I worried about something going wrong and no one being there to help me. I worried about having a panic attack in the middle of the night, and Damian not being around to calm my soul.
My artwork was suffering due to my panic attacks. I couldn’t create the way I was supposed to, which sent waves of guilt through me, which only sent me through a loop of more panic about falling behind with my commission pieces. Which, in turn, only sent me through another level of panic attacks. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I feared being pregnant. Honestly, I thought it would never happen for me again after the last time. That was what the doctors told me, at least. The terrifying fact that anything I did could harm another being.
My being.
My baby.
I can’t do this. I’m not enough…
34
Damian
* * *
Watching Stella on bedrest was the hardest thing to witness. Not because she was unable to move as she wished, but because she was stuck in such a mindset of despair. She hadn’t allowed her mind to rest at all, and her light was gone.
I wished I could bring it back to her. I wished I could wrap up her pain and push it deep into my own chest. People like her were not meant to hurt like this. She was pure and didn’t deserve to know this type of darkness.
She wasn’t meant to suffer.
“I’ve lost everything that meant the most to me,” she whispered, exhaustion sitting heavily against her eyelids. She hadn’t been sleeping well, and I couldn’t blame her, but still, I wanted her to rest her eyes. I wanted her to unplug from the wildness of her mind. I wanted to take her suffering and place it against my own soul.
“First my mama, then Kevin, my previous pregnancies…now I might lose my baby…it hurts, Damian,” she said, trembling in my grip. “It hurts to breathe.”
“I’m so sorry, Stella. But the baby’s okay…everything’s going to work out.”
“You don’t know that for sure.”
She was right…but I needed everything to work out. I didn’t think she would’ve survived if it hadn’t.
She snuggled closer to me as I held on to her for dear life. She finally shut her eyes and lay her head against my chest. “Promise me you’ll stay,” she said, buried so deep against me that I wasn’t even sure where I began and where she ended. “Promise me you’ll be here in the morning and then beside me at night.”
“I promise you.”
“Forever?”
“And ever.”
“I’m worried about her,” I told Maple as I sat at her dining room table, drinking disgusting tea. March and April were the months of heartache. Watching Stella struggle with herself, living in a constant state of fear, was the most heart-shattering pain I’d ever witnessed.
“She will come around. It takes time,” Maple swore, gently patting my hand to give me comfort. Comfort that I wished I could’ve transferred to Stella’s soul.
“Yes, but it’s been weeks, and she hasn’t been herself. I don’t know how to help her. I don’t know how to help pull her back to herself.”
“Sweetheart…” Maple sighed and gave me a broken smile. “After such scary news, it takes time. So, maybe the real question is, how okay are you with her not being who she once had been until this pregnancy is over?”
“Every version of her is the one that I love. If this is her, then I will love that version. But I just wish she could do her artwork. I wish she could still talk to the ocean.”
It had been weeks, and Stella hadn’t gone to the ocean.
I’d asked her each morning if she’d like me to join her, but she denied the invitation.
“The water healed her in the past,” Maple said, stirring her tea. “She feels as if the world has betrayed her. Either that or she feels as if she doesn’t deserve to heal. If I know Stella, then I know that she blames herself.”
“What can I do to help her?”
“Oh sweetheart, that’s easy. Just stay. Trust me,” she said, growing somber and looking out of her window toward the water. “She’s going to need you for this next chapter.”
“What is it?” I asked, not speaking about her words but about her stare. It was clear that something was sitting heavily on Maple’s chest. “Remember? I’m good at reading people.”
“It’s just…I worry, too. There will be a day when I’m no longer around, and I worry about Stella’s heart. So, if any part of you feels as if you might run…if any part of you that thinks you can’t handle this, I need you to speak up now. Otherwise, I’m fearful that Stella may end up alone, and I’m not certain she can handle that.”
My brows knitted as I took in her words. “Did you know? About the will?” I asked, breaking into the subtext behind her words. “Did you know about the arranged marriage?”
She looked at me and nodded. “Yes. I did. Kevin asked me to help once he found out about your existence. We both knew that Stella struggled with trusting her own voice, and when she found out Kevin was sick, I was watching her mind decline. Then Kevin came up with the idea of the arranged marriage, so she would have someone good in her life, unlike Jeff.”
“That’s ridiculous, though. How could you both know that I would be any good for her?”
She smiled, took my hand into hers, and patted it. “Kevin was unable to travel last year. So, when we tracked you down, I flew out to New York and found you. You were looking after your friend Aaliyah, and I saw it, the softness in your soul. I remember thinking to myself that if Stella ever found real love, I’d hoped it would be with a man like that. A man who stayed even when it was dark outside. Yes, it’s easy to love and care within the sun, but real love shows up strongest when the clouds move in and fear is ignited. Real love shows up during the highest of tides, and still, it stays.”
I grimaced, taking it all in. I felt so much confusion as Maple revealed this news to me. I felt lost in my spiraling thoughts. “So…you were behind all of this? Putting Stella and me together?”
“Yes. And I’m sorry if this is a lot for—”
“Maple.”
“Yes, Damian?”
I cleared my throat and fought the tears trying to showcase. “Thank you.”
It was because of her that I discovered love.
She smiled and patted my hand in hers. “Always.”
“I’m going to go check in on her, see if she needs anything,” I said, standing from the table. As I began to walk away, I paused, and looked back at Maple. “I do have one question, though.”
“Shoot.”
“If you helped Kevin set this arrangement up, does that mean you know who my mother is?”
“I do, and I was instructed to tell you after the six months were up, but sweetheart,” she gave me that warm Maple smile that she was known for, “I think you truly already know, too. You know, I’m good at reading people with all of this, as you called it, mumbo jumbo, but you’re good at reading people, too. How do you do it, Damian?”
“What do you mean?”
“How do you read people?”
I lowered my brows as I brushed my hand against my chin. “It’s their eyes,” I said.
“Yes.” She nodded. “You see their souls through their eyes.”
I’d only gone into the office when I was forced to or when I had clients to take to real estate properties. Most of the time, I tried my best to work from home, but it wasn’t always a possibility. When I showed up to my office one Thursday afternoon, I was faced with three individuals that I didn’t have the time or the energy to deal with.
“What are you ladies doing here?” I asked Denise, Rosalina, and Catherine as they stepped into my office, uninvited.
“I’m sorry, Damian. I told them you were busy, but they crashed in,” Peter, my assistant, told me as he rushed in behind them.
“It’s fine, Peter. I got this,” I replied. I was almost certain he wouldn’t have been able to fight off the three trolls of Stella’s life.
Peter glanced at the women but then retreated.
I shifted in my chair and sat back, looking at the three of them with little emotion. “How can I help you, ladies? Be quick. I’m busy.”
“Who are you picking?” Denise spat out directly to the point. “For the stepmother prize money.”
“Yes. It’s ridiculous that you’ve waited this long to tell us, especially after we’ve discovered you’ve been out with all three of us,” Rosalina agreed.
“Though, it’s not quite fair that my outing was cut short due to Stella,” Catherine grumbled. “She always had a way of ruining things.”
“You can say that again,” Denise echoed.
“I can only imagine the hell your life has been being forced to live with her,” Rosalina remarked. “Thankfully, this is almost over for you.”
My body tensed up as I sat straighter in my seat. “I’m glad you all brought Stella up. It makes it easier for me to announce the woman who is getting the money.”
“Do tell,” Denise ordered.
I clasped my hands together. “None of you.”
“What?!” they all snapped in unison.
“You cannot be serious,” Catherine said. “That wasn’t a part of the deal!”
“Actually, it was,” I remarked. “I went through the contract and will with Joe once I realized that none of you were worthy of a cent. It clearly states that if I didn’t find any of you three fit for the money, then it would be forfeited to charity.” I pushed out a fake smile. “The children will thank you for your kind donation.”
“You asshole!” Denise remarked.
“You cannot do this,” Rosalina cried. “That was supposed to be mine!”
“Oh, please, Rosalina. As if you ever truly had a shot at the money! It was supposed to be mine!” Catherine remarked.
The three of them began to bicker like the annoying shits they’d been until I called them out about it. “Take your conversation elsewhere. I don’t have time for you all,” I said.
“Time for us all? You’re practically robbing us!” Denise shot out.
“Just like you all robbed Stella of her self-esteem? She never wanted anything from you ladies except your love. All you ever did, instead was break her down. Out of jealousy, out of spite. I don’t know your reasons, but I do know that all three of you are cruel and unworthy. And I know for a fact that one of you is indeed, my mother, but I truly don’t give a damn. Because if you could be that evil
to the love of my life, then I’d rather have nothing to do with you for the remainder of my time on this planet. Good day, ladies.”
They didn’t leave without argument, so I was forced to have security drag them away. The three of them were the least of my concern. All I wanted to do was come up with a way to make sure Stella was okay.
So, once I finished up at work, I headed home.
I went to the ocean. I didn’t know what I was doing or how to talk to it, but I tried. I knew Stella needed some form of healing, and truthfully, I was willing to try any and everything.
I talked to Kevin. I talked to the goddess that Maple mentioned, placing flowers into the water. But mostly, I talked to Sophie.
Stella’s mother never knew me. She never knew my name or the love I had for her daughter. She’d never shake my hand or hold me in an embrace. But if there was a God, and if the ocean really did hold Stella’s mother’s heartbeats, I needed to talk to her. I needed her to fix this, to heal her daughter. To tell me what I needed to do to make this better.
As I walked into the water, I prayed. I was probably shit at it, too, but I begged Sophie to watch over Stella. I begged her not to only be in the ocean with her love but also in the sand and in the air. In Stella’s heartbeats. I begged her to protect her from the other side, to love on her when Stella felt unloved. To never truly leave her side, even during the dark days.
Especially during the dark days.
I stayed in the water for hours. The day transitioned to night as I asked for Sophie’s help.
“Hi, Sophie. I know you don’t know me, but this is for Stella. I just need you to…” I took a deep breath. “Fix her. Fix this. Protect Stella and the baby. Make sure they both are okay. Make sure they both make it out of this. That’s all I’m asking. If you need a soul, take mine. Take me, Sophie. But please…” I whispered, my voice cracking. “Don’t take my girls.”
I immersed myself in the water. I lost myself in the waves. When I came out, I was shocked to see a person standing at the coast, staring my way.
Western Waves Page 25