by Jewel, Bella
“Okay,” I say, trying not to look upset, even though I feel it.
So bad.
Erin hugs me, and we say our goodbyes, then she leaves.
When she’s gone, I have a shower, get changed into some clothes she ran home and got me, and then look around the huge room. It’s lovely. There is a huge bed right in the middle of the room, and a big desk looking out the large window. I even have my own bathroom. This house, it’s incredible, and homely. I can see why the boys haven’t let it go.
My mind drifts to Slater, and I wonder what he’s doing right now?
Am I making him uncomfortable, also?
I decide to go downstairs and get some water, I can’t sleep without some by my bed. I tiptoe out of the room and down the stairs, walking through the halls until I reach the kitchen. Only when I get to the kitchen do I realize my body automatically led me here. I haven’t yet been into the kitchen, and somehow, instinctively, I knew where it was.
My chest clenches.
I wish my mind and body would meet up, hell, even somewhere in the middle.
I open the fridge and get out some cold water, pouring it into a glass. Then I put it back and turn around, squealing a little when I see Slater standing at the counter, shirtless, hair messy like he’s been laying down. His eyes on me. For a moment, we stare in awkward silence, and then he says, “You okay?”
I nod, holding up the glass. “Water.”
“You can’t sleep without it.”
He’s stating a fact he knows, not asking a question.
And it only frustrates me more that I can’t remember.
I’m wide awake, the events of the night having stolen my sleep. I look to Slater, and say, “Can I ask you something?”
He looks at me, and then murmurs, “Yeah, if you’ll let me ask you something.”
That’s fair.
I nod and walk out of the kitchen and into the living room, sitting on the sofa and crossing my legs. He follows, sitting on the sofa across from me, and leaning forward, elbows on his knees, causing his muscles to pull and tighten. I try not to look, but it’s hard. It’s so damned hard. He’s beautiful in every way it counts, and I am still a woman, regardless of everything I’ve been through.
And I still have urges.
And I still crave the touch of a man.
Which is something I’ve had very little of.
I think.
“You wanna go first,” he says, looking into my eyes with that intensity that makes me squirm.
“Yeah,” I nod. “Yeah of course. I, ah, I wanted to ask you...and it’s okay if you don’t want to answer but...”
I swallow.
“Spit it out, Ellie. Not goin’ to make it hard for you. You can talk to me.”
I nod. “What happened...to get me in the hands of whoever sold me to Paul?”
Slater’s eyes flash, and he looks away for a moment, pain and regret filling his vision. I already know it has something to do with him, payment of some sort. I’d overheard conversations in the past about me being payment for someone’s mistake. I have figured out enough to know that mistake is Slater’s.
“Lincoln got into some shit. Got himself tangled up with the wrong people. I tried to help him out, clear his name, so we could go back to normal. Got myself tangled in that shit and fucked up. Got told they’d make me pay, starting with anyone close to me. So, I broke up with you. Broke your heart, but if you weren’t in my life, they couldn’t touch you. I thought I was protecting you, and it nearly killed me watching your heart break, for something that wasn’t even real. And then you went missing. Days went by, and I couldn’t find you. You got taken by the man I was working for, and he sold you for payment. That’s when I started working for Shanks. He knew the man. Knew about you. And told me if I was loyal to him, worked for him, he would help me find you...”
“And he didn’t,” I whisper, chest tight with emotions.
“No, he fuckin’ didn’t. He’d give me a snippet, just a fuckin’ snippet, enough to keep me workin’ for him. Eventually, as the years passed by, I became emptier and emptier, an emotionless shell working for him. Only when Charlie came along, did I have hope of actually starting a search for you again. But don’t think I didn’t look, Ellie. Every fuckin’ day of my life was spent wondering, every year that passed by I tried to find different ways to locate you. But I had nothing. He left no trail. It was empty. And I shut down.”
I stare at him.
That must have been awful.
I don’t blame him for what happened to me, Lincoln...well...my heart turned a little black towards him. But Slater, no. He was only trying to protect his family, and then protect me, and it backfired. I can’t hate him for that. And I certainly can’t hate him for signing his life over to a monster to try and find me. It must have been hell, living all those years not knowing where I was.
I was living my own personal hell, but so was Slater, just in a different way.
The desperation must have nearly eaten him alive.
“I’m so sorry you had to live like that for so long.”
“Sorry,” he says, staring at me. “Sorry? Ellie, I’m the fuckin’ reason that piece of shit got you. I deserved to live in fuckin’ agony. I still deserve to live in agony. If it wasn’t for me, you and I would be married, kids, and livin’ in this house in a whole different situation than the one we’re sitting in right now.”
I shake my head. “No, you’re not the reason. Lincoln made a choice, a shitty choice, but a choice all the same. And because of that choice, you were left to fight for your family. You can’t be blamed for what happened after.”
Slater stares at me, then shakes his head. “Fuck me, Ellie. You’ve always been too kind, and too understanding. Hate me, because at the very least that’s what I deserve.”
“No,” I say, firmly, because how could I hate him?
“Fuckin’ jesus,” he barks. “I’m the reason that monster had you. Can’t you see that?”
“No, because your actions were not intentional. How can I punish you for that? You didn’t set it up for me to be taken, and then kick back while I was gone. Slater, look at you. You’re the most broken man I’ve ever laid eyes on in my life, and that’s saying something. Even if I were to be angry at you, how could I possibly punish you, when you’ve spent ten years punishing yourself in the worst way. You’ve lived with what you’ve done, you don’t deserve to live with it any longer.”
His fists clench, and he stands, storming out of the room.
I sit, shocked, confused, and mostly hurt.
I give it a few minutes, before I stand and walk through the house, until I find him on the back porch, staring out at the stars, fists still clenched, panting.
Should I leave him be?
Or should I walk over and see if he’s okay?
I take a steady breath, and I walk over, stopping behind him. My fingers itch to touch him, which is something I’m really not familiar with, so I leave my hands by my side.
“Slater, please don’t spend the rest of your life, punishing yourself for what happened to me. I can’t’ live with that. I can’t accept that. You did nothing wrong. What happened to me...it...”
Slater drops to his knees.
All that man, and muscle, and strength, just falls.
He hits the deck and his head drops into his hands. He makes a pained sound, and for a moment, I’m too choked up to move, to breathe, to even think.
To see a big man, a strong man, a powerful man, fall to his knees in pure agony, makes my heart want to fall out of my chest. The lump in my throat expands until I can barely breathe, but I let my body take me to him. I shut my mind down, and I just let my body talk, my body move, my body do what it automatically wants to do, and that’s to go over to him, and place my small hand on his large, shaking back.
He makes a wincing sound, and it breaks my heart.
It literally feels like it just splits in two.
“Slater,” I say carefull
y, softly, because what the hell else am I supposed to say.
He’s breaking, because he’s lived over ten years thinking that he’s the reason I got taken, that he’s the reason for my pain, that he’s the reason for everything that has gone wrong in my life.
Everything he’s built up, is now crumbling out.
I slide my hand up and down, feeling his rigid muscles. He’s so strong, so to see him on his knees, makes me feel helpless. What should I do?
“Slater,” I say again.
He makes another pained sound, and the looks up and over at me. The pained expression on his face nearly brings me to my knees. So much pain, so much that his empty eyes are finally showing. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry,” he rasps out. “Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to see you, so broken, so damaged, and knowing that it was my fault. Do you know how hard it has been, to wonder every single second of every single fuckin’ day, what’s happening to you.”
My voice trembles when I say, “You’ve lived long enough with your pain, don’t you think that’s punishment enough for every burden you’re carrying. Let it go, Slater. Don’t let it eat you alive. I know...I know because I have to tell myself this every single day.”
He turns, and his big hand comes over and curls around mine. “You have suffered so much more than me, I deserve to feel this for the rest of my life.”
“No,” I say softly. “No, you don’t.”
“I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”
He tugs, just lightly, and I let myself go, falling into his arms. And the moment my face hits his chest, and those big arms circle around me, I feel...safe. Instantly safe. Like I’ve never been so damned protected in my life. It’s such a familiar comfort, that I never want to pull away. I’ve been struggling for so long, to find something to take that ache in my chest away, to make every breath easier, to just find some piece of myself that I know, that I trust, and right now, in Slater’s arms, I feel it.
I feel something that, it seems like, I’ve almost forgotten.
I feel home.
I feel safe.
I feel loved.
I feel protected.
I feel like Ellie.
Whoever the hell that is.
I turn my face and breathe him in, and his arms close around me even tighter, clutching me as close as he can get me, hanging onto me like he’s been waiting forever for this moment. I guess, he has. He buries his face into my hair and inhales, and then, through the intense moment, he murmurs, “I’ve been waitin’ so fuckin’ long for this moment, Ellie. I know you don’t remember anything, but you have no idea how this feels for me. It’s everything and more.”
“I don’t remember,” I murmur into his shirt. “But...I feel safe with you, Slater. Like I know...like I know this is home.”
He makes a pained, almost relieved sound and hangs onto me so tight I can hardly breathe, but I don’t mind, I could stay here forever, safe and protected in his arms, and let the world pass me by without a second thought.
He pulls back after another few minutes, and looks down at me. “I promise you, even if it costs me my life, I will never, ever, ever let that fucking asshole touch you again. Do you understand me?”
I nod, swallowing and looking up at him through the tears I’ve been fighting back. “I understand you.”
“Come on, you need sleep. Been a fuckin’ long night, and you must be tired.”
My heart expands for this man.
He makes me feel so...so...safe.
“Thank you,” I tell him. “For everything you did for me tonight.”
He stares down at me. “I’d die for you, Ellie. Don’t you ever forget that.”
And now, I think I truly believe it.
~*~*~*~
THEN – SLATER
“Lincoln Knight, what’s his debt,” I ask the man standing in front of me, studying me.
He looks into my eyes, as if trying to figure out if I’m setting him up, or if I’m serious.
“What do you know about Lincoln Knight? Because he owes me a fuckin’ lot of money, and I’m goin’ to get that money back, he can hide all he likes.”
“I’ll get the money back for you, and more. Let me work for you.”
The man, I don’t know his real name, except they call him Walter, stares at me. He tilts his head to the side, scrunching his eyes at me. “What is he to you that you’d risk your life taking on his debt?”
“That’s not important, what’s important is that I’m here, promising to double your money and work for you until you get it all back. Nothing in it for me. You get every cent. Do we have a deal?”
The man looks at me, like I’ve lost my mind. “You’re goin’ to deal for me, earn his debt back and more, and get absolutely fuckin’ nothing about it?”
“Yes.”
“It’s dangerous work.”
“Don’t give a fuck. You promise me you’ll lay off him, clear his name and let me pay you back, and I’ll do whatever you ask.”
He crosses his arms. “You understand I have to make an example of people who do wrong by me, otherwise others will fuck me over...”
“How many people know Lincoln did wrong by you?”
He purses his lips. “Not enough for it to be a problem, I suppose. Okay, you have a deal. You work for me, do what I ask until the debt is paid back, and you and Lincoln walk free. But know this, if you fuck me over, not only will I come after Lincoln, I’ll come after everyone who matters most to you, and I’ll destroy them, little by little, until you suffer every damned day of your life for doing wrong by me. Are we clear?”
“Clear,” I mutter.
He studies me again, long and hard, then he nods. “Right, give you a phone, only used for phone calls by me. When I call, you come. You’ll earn Lincoln’s debt back, I assure you of that. Don’t say no to me, do your jobs, and we’ll have no problems. I’m a fair and reasonable man.”
I stare at him, holding his eyes strong, keeping my jaw tight. I’m not going to show him I’m afraid, but deep down, I’m fuckin’ terrified. If I fuck this up, Lincoln might pay, or Finn, or Damon, or fuck...Ellie. I can’t let that happen. Once this is over, we’ll find a way to get the money for dad the right way, hell, even if it means selling the house.
Lincoln has to understand that family is first.
And what he’s putting us through right fuckin’ now, isn’t what family does.
Know he had good intentions, but if this goes wrong, we’re fucked.
All of us.
I finish up and head home, I wasn’t planning on telling Lincoln about this, but if I don’t, he’ll go into hiding, and right now, we need him working. More than anything. So, I’m going to tell him the deal is done, he can either help me, or chastise me, either way it has to get done now no matter what. He’s either with me, or against me.
And if I know my brother, he won’t leave me in this alone.
I walk into the house when I get home, and brace for the shit storm I’m about to create. Ellie, Damon and Finn are sitting on the sofa, watching a movie, laughing their heads off at it. Ellie is between them, and they’ve got big smiles on their faces, the kind of smiles I haven’t seen since we lost mom. They’re happy. She makes them happy. She brings joy into their lives, that they thought they’d lost forever. Makes me feel fuckin’ good to know they have that.
And even more determined not to screw it up.
“That chick is so hot!” Damon laughs at the television.
“Ew, Damon, she is not!” Ellie cries, tossing a piece of popcorn at him.
“She’s gross. Damon, your taste is fucked!” Finn snorts.
“No woman is gross, you two! All ladies are beautiful.”
Ellie fake groans, “Awww, you’re just the sweetest, aren’t you!”
“Gotta get the ladies somehow,” Damon chuckles.
“Hey,” I say, and they all turn around. Ellie’s eyes meet mine, and light up. She climbs over the back of the couch and comes rushing towards me, curling
herself into my arms the moment we meet. Her cheek presses against my chest and she hangs onto me, her favorite spot. Or so she tells me. I don’t mind, she could stay there forever and I’d be completely okay with it.
“Hey handsome,” she tips her head back and I sweep down to kiss her, soft, but long.
“God. Get a room!” Damon mutters, standing up and throwing himself over the back of the couch also. “I’m going out. Meeting our friends up town for an ice cream and bowling, you wanna come, Ellie?”
“No, I’m okay here,” she says.
“Go,” I tell her. “Gotta work soon anyway, go and have some fun.”
She studies me. “Are you sure?”
“Fuck yeah. I’ll see you tonight, okay?”
She kisses me again, and nods, turning and saying to Damon, “I’m riding shotgun!”
Then, just like that, they’re gone.
I turn and glance down the hall at Lincoln’s room.
Know he’s home, he just came off nightshift and will be sleeping. I have to talk to him, now, before I start my shift and he does anything else stupid. He needs to know the plan, it’s not going to go down well, but it has to be done. I walk down the hall and when I reach his room, I knock. After a few minutes, his groggy voice calls, “What?”
I open the door and step inside. He’s rubbing his face, sitting on the side of the bed. He stares over at me, and narrows his eyes. “Mustn’t be good, if you’re waking me from my sleep.”
“Got somethin’ to tell you,” I say, standing in the door and not moving, it’ll get ugly, at least this way I can make my great escape.
Lincoln holds my eyes, and then exhales loudly. “What? What is it, Slater? Because whatever it is, I already know it ain’t good by the way you’re lookin’ at me right now.”
“I’m working to pay your debt off. Found out who you owed, went to them, told them I’d work until it was doubled. Your debt times two. I’d get nothing out of it. He swore that he’d clear us both when it was done, provided I did it until it was paid out. Goin’ to do it. Nothin’ you can do now, as it’s already done. If you argue with me, or go in and try to change it, you’ll put us both in the shit, and I know you don’t want that.”