by Emma Tharp
“Me, too.” He moans into my mouth. “But if you don’t walk away soon, I’m going to take you right here. Not to mention you need to get in there. Don’t worry. I’ll make sure all of your stuff gets sent back to you.” I can’t believe that I didn’t even think about my suitcase that we left in Dublin. It was too big to carry on the back of his motorcycle. We left it at the hotel.
There aren’t words for this moment. I hate goodbyes. Instead, I lean in and kiss his cheek. “See you later.”
“Oh, yes, you sure will.” He’s got a sly grin plastered on his face. “And please. Don’t hesitate to call me. For anything. Okay?”
“Okay. Thanks.” And that’s when I turn and walk away from Braeden McLoughlin and Ireland.
7
Grief can grab hold of you like a vise until your lungs shrink to nothing and your well of tears runs dry. In the days leading up to my grandmother’s funeral, after I returned home from Ireland, I was nearly swallowed up by sadness. I didn’t have the equipment to pull myself out.
Fiona was there for me, like she always has been, but work and life kept her from me just long enough to leave me vulnerable to Mark.
It started with a text or a call and finally I let him come to my grandmother’s house where I was staying. He begged me to forgive him, and because I didn’t have any more room for the bitterness, I told him that he was off the hook for all the pain he caused me.
And in the solidarity that came from knowing and loving my grandmother, Mark and I bonded again. I let him rub my shoulders and we hugged and cried together. He took it as an invitation to cross the line. When he put his lips to mine, I didn’t push him away initially. I let his tongue touch mine and waited to see if I felt something. I didn’t.
“Please stop,” I said and pushed his shoulders away.
“Why? I thought you forgave me.” His eyes narrowed at me and his expression went blank.
“I’m sorry if I led you to think that by forgiving you I was inviting you back into a relationship with me.”
“I…I want you back. What do I have to do?”
“There’s nothing you can do. We had our run, but now it’s over.” I folded my arms in front of me. He wasn’t going to manipulate me. I was sure he wanted me back, it was easy and familiar. But I wasn’t falling for it.
“Is it because you’re with that asshole McLoughlin? I saw the pictures.” His tone was sharp and accusatory.
“No. It’s got nothing to do with anyone else besides you and me.” Point blank. I had to give it to him like that. He wouldn’t get it any other way.
His chin lowered down to his chest. “I thought you’d want to try again.”
“Maybe someday we can be friends. We have a history.”
It struck a chord with him. I could see it in the set of his jaw and the tilt of his head. “I don’t know if I’m ready to let you go.”
“It’ll be okay.”
“I’m going to be there with you for everything. For Grandma’s funeral and calling hours. I loved her, too, and I want to stand up with you.”
I almost cried. My grandmother did love Mark, but her last words ring in my ears. ‘Follow your heart.’ I believe she knew then that Mark and I were over. “No. I have to do this alone. You can come, of course, but I can do this.”
And that’s how it is. Today I stand up for my grandmother. I shake hands, hug, and sometimes cry with people that come to calling hours. When Mark does show up, he cries on my shoulder and kisses me on the lips. I don’t make a scene, but I also don’t appreciate the gesture.
When the McLoughlin brothers and Amelia show up, I couldn’t be more surprised.
“Thanks for coming,” I say as Braeden walks toward me. He’s wearing a black shirt and charcoal gray tie with dark pants. He looks sexy, but his expression is full of concern. His arms come around me and I melt into him and let the tears fall. “I didn’t know you guys would be ending your trip early.”
“Of course. When I told them about your grandmother, we all agreed it was time to come home and support you. I meant what I said. I’m here for you. If you need anything, I’m only a phone call away.”
I look at him from under my eyelashes. “I appreciate that.”
“I mean it.” He leans around me and grabs me a new tissue. Mine is a tattered wet mess covered in old mascara.
“Thank you, Braeden. For everything.”
“I’m not kidding. Call me if you need me.” He squeezes my shoulder and moves past me. I don’t have time to be upset that he’s gone because Jackson comes up to me and tells me how sorry he is.
The day is long and exhausting. When I finally leave the funeral home, I drive to my grandmother’s house in a near zombie state, emotionless and beyond tired. Inside her house, I go to the room I grew up in and curl up on my bed. I don’t even take off my clothes. I’ve never been this drained in my life. Cleaned out and wrung dry, I close my eyes and sleep comes almost instantaneously.
8
Amelia invites me to lunch a few weeks after my grandmother’s funeral. I’ve spent my time applying for jobs, organizing Grandmother’s things and a few precious hours with Fiona. I jump at the chance to meet up with Amelia. It’ll be nice to reminisce about our time in Ireland.
Now, I sit at my favorite Mexican restaurant waiting for her. It’s a beautiful late fall day. I chose a seat outside. Someone has their Corgi with them and he’s eating stray chips that landed on the ground. Dogs bring me such peace. I resolve to go to a shelter soon and adopt one.
“I’m sorry I’m late. I had a meeting that went long.” Amelia is in a black pencil skirt and a maroon top. It’s cut in a deep V and there are ruffles around the collar, showcasing her gorgeous figure and perky breasts.
I stand to greet her and she kisses both my cheeks. “Don’t worry. I’m enjoying the breeze.”
“Thanks for agreeing to meet with me today. I wasn’t sure it would be good timing or not.”
“Trust me, it’s perfect. I need to get out and do things. I’ve spent enough time moping around. It’s time I start taking my life back. It’s what she would’ve wanted.”
She smiles at me with perfectly white teeth. “Good. From the moment we met, I knew you’d be someone I could relate to.”
“I’m glad you said that. I feel the same way.” It was her presence, her humor. I didn’t feel as if my energy was zapped when we were around each other.
“Oh, thank goodness. Tell me how you’re doing.”
“As good as can be expected. It’s been tough, but I’m getting through it,” I say.
“Did you get back together with your ex?”
The waiter comes by, we order sandwiches, and I get a milkshake and Amelia, Earl Grey.
“No. He wanted to, but I’m over him.”
“Okay. I wasn’t sure. Braeden thought you guys were giving it another shot after he saw how close you two looked at calling hours.” She frowns a little.
“That’s why he made such a quick exit. Mark was probably trying to put on a show when he saw Braeden there. But I assure you that it is over between Mark and I.” Thinking back to calling hours, I remember the strained look on Braeden’s face when he saw Mark.
“He didn’t seem happy about him being there,” Amelia says.
“What did he say?” I never pegged Braeden as someone who gets jealous.
“He didn’t say a word, but when I got outside and saw him, he looked like he was fuming.”
“He hasn’t reached out to me, so he’s probably over it.” I wonder if he will get in touch. I know I miss him and seeing him at calling hours was the best surprise. “Thank you for coming. I wasn’t sure if you were home or not.”
“Yeah, I left the same day as you did.” Her face falls.
“How are things with you and Jackson?”
She bites at the corner of her lip, sucking it in between her teeth, and chewing it like gum. It looks like a tear is ready to fall from the corner of her eye. “Things could be better.”
>
“Oh, no. What happened?”
“I swore I wasn’t going to cry today.” She fans her face with her hand. “I know we made it out to be nothing in Ireland, but there was something between us.”
“Oh, yeah. It was obvious. He has feelings for you. That much is clear.”
“Right. And I care for him as well. We’ve known each other forever. In fact, he practically grew up at my house.” She pauses as if I’m supposed to put the pieces of the puzzle together.
“I think you mentioned that he knows your brother.”
“He’s my older brother, Will’s, best friend. And I was just the little sister. I’ve always had a crush on Jackson, but until recently I never would’ve thought Jackson would have feelings for me. Before Ireland, we started talking. Total coincidence that we both ended up there at the same time.”
For some reason, I doubt that. I never did see the friends that she was supposed to be there with. It seemed more like a secret rendezvous to me, but I’ll let her share what she wants to with me. No pressure. “You guys started spending time together before Ireland?”
“Yes, but he wanted to keep it hush hush. He really doesn’t want Will to find out. I told Jackson that if we sat Will down and talked to him about it, then maybe it’d be fine.” She’s fiddling with her tea bag, bouncing it up and down out of her cup haphazardly, taking her aggressions out on the thing.
“That sounds logical,” I say.
“My brother isn’t exactly levelheaded,” she sighs and takes a sip of her tea. “He can be a prick when it comes to me. He was always threatening to beat up my boyfriends and no one was ever good enough for me. And Jackson was there for all of it.”
The smell of Earl Grey floats past my nose. The last time anyone has had tea near me was in Ireland. Jackson had me buy it. Of course, it was for Amelia. It was early in the morning. I bet she was waiting for him back at their room.
“Stop me if I’m out of line, but do you think Jackson has changed?” My question is aimed at Jackson, but I’d also like to get a feel for her opinion on Braeden. I’m not sure how to ask though.
“I think he has. He admitted to me that he’s had feelings for me since I was a teenager. I’m ready to start a relationship with him, but he won’t even try. He blames it on Will.”
“Sounds like he’s got a valid, if misguided, reason.”
“No, it’s bullshit. If he has feelings for me, he should work for it. I’m worth it.”
I love her confidence. I pause for a moment. She fills in the silence. “What about you and Braeden?”
“What about us?”
“Don’t play coy. You guys have a spark,” she says.
My phone rings from my purse. “I’m sorry. I forgot to turn off the ringer.” I pull it out and see on the display that it’s Charlottesville High School. I have no idea why they are calling me. They already told me that there were no more positions open. “I have to take this,” I tell Amelia.
“Hello.”
“Hi, Scarlette. This is Cynthia at Charlottesville High. We spoke last month.” Her tone is friendly.
“Yes. Hi, Cynthia.”
“I know when we spoke last I told you there were no positions open, but a spot has come available if you would like it. It’s in the math department.”
I smile at my phone, like Cynthia can see me. “When would you need me?”
“That’s the catch. We’d need you as soon as possible. Does Monday work?”
Wait, today is Friday. But it’s not like I’m busy. I get out of my seat and jump up and down. “Yes. I’ll be there.”
“Perfect. Check in at my office at seven a.m.”
“Thank you.”
I click the end button on my phone and see Amelia smiling at me with a, ‘what the hell is going on with you?’ look.
“It was C’ville High. They offered me a job.”
“That’s exciting. I remember you saying that you lost your job. Congratulations. Let’s order champagne.”
“Yes.” I flag down the waiter and order us a bottle of bubbly.
It seems my luck is changing. I couldn’t be more excited for this new chapter in my life.
“I was waitressing because I hadn’t been able to find a job teaching locally and I couldn’t move and be away from my grandmother.” Saying this saddens me. I hadn’t given much thought to what my life would look like after my trip to Ireland. Now I can rest easy knowing I can support myself.
The waiter brings us our champagne.
“To your new job,” Amelia says.
We clink our glasses together and drink.
“Okay, you’re not getting out of answering my last question.” Her eyes widen and her voice gets low. “What’s going on with you and Braeden?”
I thought she’d forget about asking me that. Of course not. “Nothing now. We had a vacation fling. Nothing more, nothing less. It was perfect. I wish it wasn’t cut short because we were having so much fun together, but as you know I had to leave.” I look down at my sandwich and pick at the crust, as if I can take out my frustration on the ciabatta.
“See? Look at you. You look how I feel. The McLoughlin boys have got us down.”
Is she right? Everything that happened between Braeden and I was consensual. Agreed upon terms. I don’t know the circumstances around Amelia and Jackson’s relationship. She hasn’t divulged much thus far. I would be lying to myself if I said I wouldn’t mind exploring a relationship with Braeden. When we were together, there’s no question that the chemistry was there, but it was deeper. He took care of me in a way that Mark didn’t. “Okay. Yes, I am a little sad that our time together ended. We had a great time and in my heart, even though we agreed it was a fling, it was more than that. And I know people call him a player. But I felt more. Everything flowed so naturally with us.”
“I saw it.”
“Thank you for saying that. And there was something between you and Jackson.”
Her hands come to her chest. “Jackson knows it, too, but he’s too afraid to act on it.”
Commiserating about our mutual disappointment in the McLoughlin brothers will only get me down. I just landed a job; I refuse to ruin my good mood.
“What do we do now?” Amelia asks.
“We do what we’ve been doing. Go day by day. And let’s follow my grandmother’s advice,” I say.
“What was that?” Amelia picks up her glass and takes a sip.
“The last thing she ever said to me was to follow my heart.”
“Yeah. I’m going to do my best to be positive, even though pessimism is what comes naturally to me.”
“Good. That’s a start. Let’s do this again soon. I’ve got to get home and get ready for work on Monday.” I squeal at the end of the sentence. It still doesn’t seem real. I just got offered my dream job.
“I’m so happy for you. And yes, we have to get together again soon so I can hear all about work.”
“Perfect.”
We stand up and hug each other before we leave and I head home to start preparing for my first day at Charlottesville High.
My hands shake on the steering wheel as I drive the familiar roads to the school. I tune the radio to my favorite morning show. Today the DJs are talking about current events and then a recipe one tried last night for dinner with lamb and curry. It’s not enough to take my mind off my nerves. I scroll around and stop on a hard rock station. The loud electric guitar and drum beats only amp up my anxiety. I find something with smooth, soothing melodies and keep it tuned in there. I’m afraid there’s not much that’s going to help me this morning.
I walk into the school over an hour and a half early, just like Cynthia asked. It smells the same as I remember, like industrial cleaner, teenage cologne, and toast coming from the cafeteria.
When I get to Cynthia’s office, she’s got a pile of paperwork on her desk and a steaming cup of coffee in front of her. I breathe in and out once through my nose before I make my way in.
“Good
morning, Ms. James. Come on in and have a seat.”
I sit down across the desk from the short dark-haired, middle-aged woman. “Thanks again for giving me a chance. I won’t let you down.”
“You’re very welcome. And thank you for being available on such short notice. We’ve had to have substitute coverage for the past week after the sudden dismissal of another teacher. I can’t go into details, but it’s taken us some time to go through applicants. I’m not sure if you realize this, but we had over twenty people who wanted this position. You’re very fortunate to have such an influential family in Charlottesville behind you. Now I’m going to need you to start filling these forms out.” She hands me a stack of papers that looks like no less than one hundred sheets and a pen.
I can barely read the words. I’m stuck on something she said. What influential family is she talking about? Does she have me confused with someone else? Do I dare ask her and risk losing the job due to a mix up?
I muddle my way through the forms and hand them back to her. I don’t think I can handle the suspense anymore. I try to muster up a confident tone. “I was curious. Do you mind telling me who put in a good word for me?”
She looks at me from above her glasses. “Of course. It was the McLoughlins. Braeden. He happened to hear about the opening and recommended you.”
I smile hard with my lips closed. I never would’ve guessed that Braeden was involved in helping me get this coveted position. He is truly my Prince Charming. Even though we were nothing more than a fling, he still stuck his neck out for me. “Thank you.”
“Here are the materials you’ll need to get you started. Follow these plans until you can implement your own. If you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to let me know. Grab your things and let me walk you to your classroom.”
I nearly dance in place after I get out of my chair. It’s almost painful containing my excitement. I’ve wanted this for so long. I follow her down three different hallways and find my room.
It’s perfect. The walls are blue, but there are posters about geography, algebra, and calculus. There’s a huge calendar on the far wall, but that’s it. It’s pretty much a blank canvas for me. I can’t wait to save some money and give this room some personality.