by Vanessa Fox
"I don't think I have that in me right now," I sigh. "I still have someone else on my mind."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. I wish she was here with me right now, but... well, I fucked it up. Like I always seem to."
"What'd you do? Cheat?"
"No. But she seems to think I did— or that I will, at least. I don't know."
"Well, if you feel with her what I do with my wife, I recommend you go back and mend those fences. When you find that right person, you best not lose them. They only come around once a lifetime."
I shift in my seat. His words are striking a chord, but it's on a broken instrument. The last thing I want is to be filled with misguided hope. "I already lost her."
"Nah, man," Rufus chuckles. "You're Kade Fucking Hughes, man. The game ain't over until the clock hits zero."
I smile. I want to believe him, but my pessimistic— no, realistic, outlook won't let me. "I'm afraid the clock may have already run out on this one."
"Nah, I doubt it. It's never too late. You know we broke up and got back together twice before finally tying the knot? I was feeling the same way you're feeling right now, hopeless," he explains. "But look at me now. If there's even a sliver of a chance, you gotta go for it. You'll spend your whole life regretting it if you don't."
I finger the damp napkin in my hand as I mull over his words.
The conversation is interrupted when his wife appears at his side, toddler in arms. Aaliyah stands on her tippee toes and wraps her arms around his thick neck. "Mommy says we have to go to bed now," she says. "Can you come back to the room and read me a bedtime story?"
"A bedtime story? You know I can't read!"
His wife rolls her eyes with a smirk and Aaliyah gives him a playful smack on his arm. "Daddy!"
"All right, all right," he looks at me apologetically. "Gotta go, man. Duty calls."
"Get 'er done," I joke.
He climbs out of his seat and I watch as the family of four walks away, Aaliyah holding her dad's hand and skipping alongside him. His wife slides her fingers through his and rests her head against his thick arm just as they turn the corner and disappear from view.
It's bittersweet. As they leave, I feel like I'm watching my own hopes and dreams for a loving family leave along with them. Now I'm left out in the cold.
But maybe it doesn't have to be like that. Maybe Rufus is right. Maybe there is still a chance, however slim.
Coach always hammers into our heads that we have to take every opportunity, right down to the last second. Even if it looks grim. Even if we're losing by a large margin, we have to fight for every chance, right up until the clock hits zero, and never lose hope.
I've always taken advantage of every opportunity in football, and would never think to pass one by— so why am I willing to do it in life?
Maybe I've been laboring under the delusion that love has to be easy if it's really meant to be. It wasn't easy for Rufus, but he soldiered on, and now look at him. Willow and I have had anything but smooth sailing in our journey so far, but maybe love isn't something that just effortlessly falls into your lap. Maybe it's something you have to fight for, even when prospects look grim.
I don't want to be the coward who backs out when the going gets tough. I want to fight for what I have. I'm Kade Fucking Hughes, after all. There's a good chance Willow wants nothing to do with me. But maybe, just maybe, there's a small part of her that still wants to make this work, that's still willing to give me a chance.
All of a sudden I'm fired up. I excuse myself from the table and say goodnight to my teammates, many of whom look puzzled to see me go so soon. I know some of them were planning on staying up until midnight or later taking shots and crying on each other's shoulders. I'm tempted to indulge with them, but right now I have better things to do than mope about my situation.
I head back to my room and pull my cell out of my pocket. My heart pounding, I pull up Willow's number and give her a call. But I don't hear the phone ringing. There's just silence. After a few seconds, a robotic voice speaks: "This number is no longer in service."
What the fuck? She must've changed her number. I toss the cell on my bed and collapse onto the sheets, defeated. The only reason she'd change her number is to avoid any contact with me. I'm certain of it.
I just lay here, my head swimming. Suddenly the hole I'm in feels even deeper. But I still refuse to give up so easily. I snatch the phone again and scroll down my contact list until I find Katie.
I say a silent prayer as I make the call.
The phone rings a few times before she finally answers.
"H-hello? Kade?" She sounds shocked.
"Hi, Katie," I greet. "I uh, I was wondering if Willow's there."
"Um, no, she's not."
"Could you give me her number?"
There's a long silence. "Um... I don't think I can."
"Why not?"
"Because she told me not to."
I'm not worried. I know Katie is internally squealing in delight from my call. It won't take much convincing before she folds. "I get that, but I really need to speak with her."
She sighs. "Willow would kill me."
"She'll get over it. I promise."
"Kade, I... I really can't. Besides, I don't think her cell works in Mexi—" She stops.
"Mexico? She's in Mexico?"
"Nevermind."
"Why's she in Mexico?"
"It's none of your business!"
"Come on, Katie," I plead. "Just do this one favor for me. I've been going through a really tough time, as you can imagine. But doing this for me would really, really brighten my day. I'll owe you one."
There's a long pause. "W-well... I'd really love to help you out, but like I said, I don't think her cell works down there, and—"
"Where is she?"
"Um, she's... she's..."
"Spit it out, Katie."
"Okay, fine. She's at her cousin's wedding in Playa Del Carmen. She's there for the weekend."
"Where specifically?"
"Um, I think it's the Palm Resort."
I grin. "Oh my God, Katie, you don't know how much this means to me. Thank you so much."
"And you'll owe me one?"
"You name it, whatever you want. I'll get it for you. Hell, I'll hook you up with one of my teammates."
She giggles. "Aw crap, I wish I didn't have a boyfriend already. Dammit!"
"Well, you better think of something else, then."
"So does this mean you're getting back together?!"
"Uh, well, I wouldn't get ahead of yourself there, but that's the idea, yeah."
"Then that's what I want."
"What?"
"That'll be my favor. Win her back, please, Kade. She's been miserable. She needs you. Nothing would make me happier than to see her happy."
I feel a surge of energy and optimism. "Thank you, Katie. I'll do my best."
"Don't let me down."
Chapter 24
Willow
"I'm just so goddamned happy for you, bro," Michael, the best man, weeps openly into the mic. He's got a rum and coke in one hand and a microphone in the other, and he's swaying as he speaks. He's more than a little sloshed, and he's not alone. Most of the guests are getting there. "Shit man, you better treat this girl right, dude, she's one of a kind. But I know you will. You're so fucking amazing, dude, we're gonna be bros for life! Shit man, if you weren't a dude, I'd be so happy to marry you, man! You'll make one bad-ass husband, bro."
The guests laugh, and my cousin Marion rolls her eyes from where she's sitting at the front of the room, at a white linen table along with Jason and the bride and groom's sets of parents. Jason stands up and gives Michael a big bro-hug, and smartly takes the mic away before Michael can continue his expletive-filled, drunken rambling any longer.
My aunt Karen, the MC, steps in and takes center stage. "Well, thank you for that touching speech, Mike."
Everyone laughs. She looks to the crowd.
"I'd like to thank you all again for making the trip down here for this very special occasion," she says. "It's been a beautiful day, and I think we can all agree that Marion and Jason make a wonderful couple. Please, let's give a toast to the bride and groom!"
We all raise our glasses and toast. Some of the guests hoot and whistle.
"Now please enjoy the food and drinks, and let's get this party started!"
The guests clap and cheer. The dimmed lights brighten and pop music starts to play from the speakers. There's a platform in front of the stage, and many of the guests start to fill it, dancing with drinks in hand.
I just sit at my table, leaning back in my chair, nursing my fourth glass of champagne. Karen's right, it's been a beautiful wedding. A picturesque, fairy tale wedding on perfect white sand with the turquoise blue ocean as a backdrop. My cousin Marion looks absolutely gorgeous. Her long black hair is styled in a classic up-do, and she's wearing an intricate, undoubtedly expensive lace designer wedding dress. Hard to believe this is the same girl I grew up with before I moved away to Riverside. Back then she was awkward, acne-ridden, with big unsightly braces and thick-rimmed, dorky glasses.
She's done well for herself. Jason is the epitome of a prince charming. He's tall, dark and handsome, with a breathtakingly beautiful face and the body of a Calvin Klein underwear model. He looks particularly dashing tonight in his black tux. Plus he's a young, successful brain surgeon with fabulously wealthy parents. I admit I don't know him very well, but he seems like a really nice guy, and I can see by the way he looks at Marion that he genuinely loves her.
I'm not going to lie and say that it's easy being here, but I'm trying to keep my spirits up. The champagne helps... kind of. Or maybe it makes it worse. I don't know. But I'm not going to stop drinking any time soon, that's for sure.
I feel an arm wrap around my shoulders. My other cousin Margo slips onto the seat next to me with a big grin on her face. "Oh my God, can you believe my big sis is married?!"
I smile and shake my head.
Margo's eyes are full of tears. "This is so surreal. I used to make fun of her and tell her she was gonna become a crazy cat lady."
I laugh. "You missed the mark on that one, didn't you?"
"Just a little," she wipes her tears away. "I'm so glad you could make it, though. But I didn't expect to see you alone! I thought you'd bring someone."
Oh, there it is again. This is what, the fifth time my singleness has been pointed out? Thanks for reminding me, family.
"Nope, just me myself and I," I smile with my lips closed, trying not to grit my teeth.
"I thought I heard you had a new man in your life," Margo says.
I shake my head. "Afraid not."
"Oh," she studies my face, getting the message. "Sore subject?"
"You could say that."
She wraps her arm around me again and gives me a squeeze. "Well, keep a stiff upper lip, 'Cuz. Anything can happen." She points her thumb in Marion's direction. "If my awkward-ass Sis can snag a guy like that, well, that gives hope to us all."
I laugh. "Yeah, I suppose. Though I gotta be honest, the crazy cat lady life is looking more and more appealing to me by the day."
"Aw, don't say that!" Margo pleads. "Hey, I have it on good authority that there's some sexy bachelors in our midst tonight. Let's get laid tonight, what do you say?"
"I think I'll pass on that one," I say.
She's right, though. I've seen with my own eyes some of Jason's friends and family members. There's a lot of eye candy present tonight, and if I were in a better frame of mind, I might be tempted to seek something out. But right now that sounds about as enticing as getting a root canal.
"Aw, you're no fun," she objects. "Oh well, more for me, I guess."
"You go get 'em, Tiger," I tease.
Her smile fades and she looks me in the eyes. "Seriously, though, I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I know how hard it can be."
"Thanks, Margo."
"Just keep your head up. One foot in front of the other. It'll get easier."
I nod. She gets up and gives me a final squeeze on the shoulder before she hops away to mingle with the crowd.
I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm not in the mood for a pep talk. I sigh as I take another sip of champagne. I realize that I always wear my emotions on my face despite my best efforts to hide them. Everyone can instinctively tell when I feel like shit, so I guess that's why I'm getting so many questions and comments and looks of pity. Damn you, Willow. Can't you feign happiness for just one weekend?
Though really, how could I? As happy as I am for Marion, everything about this wedding just depresses me. My mind has been running wild with thoughts of Kade, even more than it does at home. I can't stop thinking about him— everything about him. His face, his body, his voice. Wondering where he is right now, what he might be doing. Whether or not he's thinking about me, too. It hurts knowing that he could even be here with me now, had we stayed together. Watching the ceremony and listening to the speeches would be exhilarating and romantic, a glimpse of what's in store for us in the future. Instead, it only serves to remind me of my own loneliness.
I don't mean to be melodramatic, but Kade has left a gaping hole inside of me. One that I can't seem to fill, not with books, movies, alcohol, chocolate, shopping, friends, family or career. I just feel empty. I've done my best to move on. I've kept myself busy, I've stayed far away from television and sports media of any kind, and I've deleted his number in case I find myself full of wine at 2AM making regrettable drunk dials. I even went so far as to get a new phone number myself, in the off chance Kade tries to contact me again. Though I doubt he ever would. All the relationship experts say that's what you're supposed to do: go no-contact. So I did.
I've done everything the "right" way. But that doesn't make it any easier. Now I guess it's just up to time. Sit and wait patiently for the pain to go away. Just keep living my life and hope one day I wake up and don't even think about him at all. But so far that hasn't happened.
I toss back the rest of my champagne before reaching for the bottle and pouring another. The party is kicking into high gear. Most guests have left their tables and are mingling in groups, chatting and drinking together as the servers rush around the room picking up the plates. A top 40 r&b hit with an infectious beat is blasting from the speakers, and there's a crowd of people on the dance floor circled around Michael, who's amusing everyone with his very poor break-dancing skills.
I feel a tap on my shoulder. I look up to see a tall, handsome guy in a tux that I don't recognize. He grins and holds out his hand. "Wanna dance?"
I can see by the hungry look in his brown eyes that he has his sights set on me. He's certainly cute, with that same clean-cut, prep-school vibe that Jason has. Probably one of his relatives or friends. I'm certain he's rich and successful, maybe a doctor himself. But I'm not feeling it. Not in the least. Sorry, Margo.
I shake my head. "Sorry, I'll pass," I decline politely.
"Oh, come on," he presses. "Just one dance."
"I don't dance."
"You don't dance? That's ridiculous! Chug that champagne and come join me."
I take my glass and stand. He gets his hopes up for a second before I shake my head again. "Maybe later," I say. "Thanks, though."
He throws up his hands in disappointment as I walk away. I weave my way through the crowd and out of the reception room. I walk down a long hallway and open a door onto the building's wrap-around veranda, welcoming the freshness of the warm evening breeze coming off the ocean. Palm trees sway around the resort as I slowly walk to the back of the building, with the wide open sea as its backyard. I can still faintly hear the music from the party, the beats thumping on and on, and it's such a relief to step away from it and be alone for a little while.
I rest my elbows on the cement railing and inhale deeply, filling my lungs with salty sea air. Now this is what I need. Solitude. A moment of quiet reflection. Meditation. It won't fix my pr
oblems, but it feels better than being inside. I fully expect the moment to be interrupted sooner or later by guests coming out for cigarette breaks, or even some rowdy party-goers full of booze running out onto the beach and tearing their clothes off for an evening skinny-dip in the water.
But for right now it's just me, and it feels good.
I suddenly get the impulse to feel the sand through my toes. So I set my drink down and peel off my heels, leaving them as I descend the steps to the beach, holding up my dark blue ankle-length evening dress that Katie helped me pick out.
I make it to the water's edge. My feet sink into the wet sand as the remnants of big waves flood around my ankles and then retreat. The full moon shines bright, casting a perfect reflection onto the water below. The ocean stretches on past the horizon, as far as the eye can see. It's beautiful.
But I barely get a chance to enjoy the moment before I sense someone approaching behind me. I groan internally, hoping it's not that same guy who just asked me to dance. Didn't he get the idea? I want to be left alone. I'm not the type to engage in some drunken tryst with a stranger in Mexi—
"Willow?"
I freeze. My heart stops. That voice, it's... no, it can't be.
I try to spin around quickly, but my feet are lodged in the wet sand. They get tangled in the wet hem of my dress, and I stumble backwards, flailing my arms as he reaches to help me. I grab onto him and drag him down, and we both splash into the water, me ass-first and him right on top of me.
He laughs, and in the light of the moon I catch a glimmer of green. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry," he says.
"W-what are you doing here?!" I stammer.
"I wanted to talk to you," he says, grinning. "But uh... not like this. I'm sorry."
Kade reaches out his hand to help me up. But I just stare at him in disbelief. Is this really happening? Or did I somehow drink myself into a stupor and now I'm hallucinating?
He drops his hand when he realizes I'm not gonna take it. He climbs off of me and sits back on his knees, water swirling around us and ruining what looks to be a really expensive black tux. He looks around, puzzled. "So... we're just gonna sit here, then?"