by Mike Gayle
The rest of the meal passed by without event as Adam and Steph fell into their usual comfortable groove chatting about everything and nothing as though they had all the time in the world. Every once in a while Adam felt a twinge of guilt that he had yet to talk about his reasons for not having seen her all week let alone the conclusion he had come to. He hoped that when crunch time arrived he would have changed his mind but in any case he didn’t want to spoil the evening.
‘I’m glad all this is behind us now,’ said Steph later that night as they stood in her kitchen while she poured out two glasses of wine. ‘I don’t mind admitting that there were a few moments this week when I thought you were going to do a runner on me. But we’ve had such a nice night together that . . .’ She paused, set down her wine glass on the kitchen counter and hugged him. He felt more and more like a fraud the harder she embraced him. As she turned her head up to kiss him he realised that the moment he had been dreading had finally arrived and he couldn’t prevent it from happening.
‘I can’t do this, Steph,’ he said quietly. ‘I thought I could but I can’t.’ She pulled away with a look of confusion on her face. ‘I don’t understand, what’s going on?’
‘This isn’t working. It’s not working for me and it’s not working for you either. I’m not right for you. I wanted to be but I’m not.’
‘Is this because of your parents?’
Adam shrugged. ‘It’s complicated.’
‘Oh, don’t give me that! Of course it’s complicated. People are complicated. If you have any respect for me at all at least tell me the truth. Help me understand what’s going on in your head.’
Adam didn’t want to explain. He didn’t want to talk. He just wanted to get as far away as he could before she persuaded him to change his mind. ‘Talking about it isn’t going to change a thing. Why can’t you accept that I’m just not the right guy for you?’
‘Because it’s not true! And I know it’s not true because I have never met anyone who has been more right for me. So if you think that I’m going to make it easy for you to walk away just because things in the rest of your world are a little bit shaky then you’ve got another thing coming. I have too much respect for both of us to let something so good end like this. You need time to sort out everything in your head and time to work out for yourself that I am the best thing that has ever happened to you. So this is what I propose: go away right now and start thinking and then a week from now you call and tell me what you’ve decided. If you still want out then by all means walk away and I won’t say a word to stop you. I’m not scared of being on my own. I was used to it and I’ll get used to it again. But if you want me and I mean really, really want me, then this time next week you will call me, we will meet and we will take this relationship all the way. And I’m not just talking about us seeing each other a couple of times a week and taking the occasional holiday together. I’m talking about us both jumping feet first into the deep end because this is it, Adam Bachelor: you and I are each other’s last chance at happiness.’
Adam looked at her aghast. This was the last thing he had expected. ‘If that’s what you want then fine,’ he said. ‘But I wouldn’t be any kind of friend if I didn’t tell you that it won’t make the slightest bit of difference whether we do this now or in a couple of weeks. My mind’s made up.’
‘Well,’ said Steph firmly, ‘that might well be the case. But my mind is made up too and I’m not changing it.’
‘I knew you’d do this.’
‘So what’s this all about?’ said Cassie briskly.
It was just after five on the following Saturday afternoon and Luke and Cassie were sitting at a table in the Horse and Jockey.
‘That’s how it is now?’ said Luke. ‘We don’t do pleasantries any more? We just get straight to the point?’
‘You know as well as I do that meeting up like this is only going to make things harder. You’ve made your decision and I’ve made mine so what’s the point in dragging this out? I don’t mean to be harsh, Luke, but that’s the way I feel.’
Luke nodded. Cassie was right. He was making things more difficult than they needed to be but at the same time he had to put up a fight for her. What he couldn’t understand was why Cassie wasn’t doing the same. Had she moved on? Was she seeing someone else? Luke pushed the unbearable thought to the back of his mind.
‘You’re probably right. Maybe I should just come to the point. And I would if I knew what it was. All I know is that everything is falling apart.’
‘Like what?’
‘My parents for one. They’re getting divorced.’
Cassie was shocked. ‘Divorced? I thought it was just an argument that got out of hand?’
‘It was a bit more than that,’ said Luke. ‘I don’t want to go into all the details but it turns out that Dad had an affair just before they got married which Mum only found out about recently and now she knows . . . well . . . she just can’t seem to get it out of her head.’
‘Your poor mum. She must be heartbroken.’ Cassie reached across the table and placed her hand on top of Luke’s. Luke felt a brief glimmer of hope.
‘The thing is, Cass, even though we’ve split up I feel like you’re the only thing keeping me afloat right now.’
‘I am really sorry about what’s happening with your parents. They’re both lovely people. But I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t know what you want me to say.’ She drew back her hand. ‘I’m sorry, Luke, but that’s just how it is.’
Sensing that in a few moments Cassie would stand up and walk, out Luke was filled with desperation. He had taken a gamble and used up his last chance to get her to come back with him and all for what? A few words of sympathy? He couldn’t let her go without telling her how much she meant to him. ‘I met up with Jayne,’ he said quickly. ‘That’s how much I want for us to get back together. That was the real reason I called you today. I wanted you to know that I’m still trying to make things right.’
Adam could see from the hopeful look on Cassie’s face that his news had done the trick and not only did she want to know more but even now she carried a small hope that their break-up wasn’t permanent. ‘So what happened? Have you seen Megan? Will she let you have access?’
Luke’s mind flicked back to that day in London. He had wandered through Covent Garden in a daze in an attempt to put as much distance as possible between himself and Jayne. He had ended up sitting alone in a crowded pub in Bloomsbury desperately trying to keep it all together as Jayne repeatedly called his number. When eventually she’d left a message he had deleted it without listening to a word.
Returning to Manchester he had tried to lose himself in work but found it impossible to concentrate on anything other than feelings of self-loathing and intense hatred towards his ex-wife. And for the week that followed all he had done was work, drink and avoid phone calls from worried family and friends because he had run out of all options bar one: contacting Cassie and hoping that she was missing him enough to reconsider her stance on wanting to start a family.
Aware that his reasoning was utterly selfish Luke had resisted making the call but every day the arguments seemed more powerful and persuasive. Did it really matter if she never got to be a mother if she was happy in every other respect? Wasn’t he too sacrificing his hope of a happy family life for the greater good? What was the point of them both being miserable apart? There was no guarantee that Cassie would meet anyone else, let alone anyone with whom she might want to start a family. It all made sense to Luke. He wasn’t being selfish. He was being sensible, pragmatic even, and making the best of a bad situation. But what had finally tipped him over the edge into making the call was his father. The man was broken. Luke was in no doubt about that. He was about to lose the most important thing in his life all because he had waited too long to make it right. The short leap in imagination it took to compare his father’s situation with his own was enough to make him call Cassie.
‘It’s complicated,’ said L
uke, cringing at the realisation that having built up Cassie’s hopes he was about to let her down in a big way. ‘The meeting,’ he stammered, ‘it didn’t quite go the way I planned and . . . well . . . the truth is I let her get to me and ended up walking away.’ He reached across the table and held her hand. ‘But whether I see Jayne again or not this is evidence of just how much I love you. I’m trying to sort things out, Cass, and all I’m asking is that you come back home so we can try and sort them out together.’ She was crying. ‘Please Cass, I’m begging you: come back home.’
‘I knew you’d do this,’ hissed Cassie snatching away her hand. ‘I knew you’d try and get me to come back without a single thing having changed. And it hasn’t, has it? You still won’t start a family with me but you won’t let me get on with my life without you either. That’s how selfish you’ve become. You don’t care about me or about my feelings. You think it’s OK to keep stringing me along? Well it’s not! And if you think I’m going to spend one second more thinking about you, Luke, you are sadly mistaken.’ She picked up her bag, her face full of fury. ‘I don’t know what I was expecting when I agreed to meet you today but I’m really glad that I did because it’s shown me first hand just how weak you think I am. And you were right, Luke, I was weak. Since I left you my only hope was to save what we had. But I can see that I’ve only been fooling myself so badly that it’s laughable. Well, no more. No more waiting. No more hanging round. I’m going to put as much distance between you and me as humanly possible. I’m going to make sure that even in my weakest moments there will never be a way back for us. It’s over between you and me, Luke. The last bit of love I had for you has gone away for ever.’
‘I am different.’
It was minutes after eight in the evening and Russell was sitting on the sofa listening to Angie’s amusing rant about how early episodes of Friends should be banned because seeing the characters all young and thin like that was needlessly cruel to people in their thirties.
‘You think I’m joking but I’m not.’ Angie pointed at the TV screen. ‘It’s horrible! I used to be as thin as Monica and now look at me!’
‘Look at what?’
Angie lifted up her top and wobbled her belly. ‘This!’
‘That’s just normal! You don’t want to be one of those stick-thin girls who are always yakking on about this diet and that diet. I thought you were different.’
‘I am different. I just want you to like me, that’s all.’
‘I do like you.’ He leaned forward and kissed her. ‘In fact I more than like you. I love you.’
‘Ah, but would you love me more if there was less of me?’
‘I couldn’t love you more than I do right now.’
Angie narrowed her eyes and squinted at Russell. ‘Is that a good thing or a bad thing?’
‘Is what a good thing or a bad thing?’
‘Being unable to love me more. I’m not sure I like the sound of that. Shouldn’t there always be room for improvement?’
‘Not if what you’ve got is perfect in the first place.’
Despite his assurances the last few weeks with Angie had been something of a rollercoaster ride. Following Russell’s attempt to kiss Cassie things were strained to say the least. Unable to cope with the guilt, Russell’s behaviour had been erratic in the extreme. He couldn’t sit down for more than a minute at a time, was always checking his phone for missed calls and unnoticed text messages and wasn’t able to hold a conversation without making it obvious that his mind was elsewhere. And then the thing with his parents had happened and all the talk of affairs and divorce had knocked his world sideways to the extent that he didn’t know what to feel or think any more. So he had decided to do neither and to concentrate his efforts on the things where he could make a difference: improving his relationship with Angie and avoiding Luke and Cassie at all costs.
The avoiding Luke and Cassie part was easy enough. Since the day of the kiss he hadn’t seen or heard from Cassie and now all that was needed was for Cassie to continue keeping his indiscretion to herself and everything would be fine. On the keeping Angie sweet front things were going so successfully that earlier that day at his suggestion they had been out for a long lunch with a bunch of Angie’s friends and assorted partners. The occasion had gone reasonably smoothly considering that Russell still didn’t know Angie’s friends all that well. The women had appeared suitably interested in the collection of anecdotes he offered them, the men managed not to spend the entire afternoon talking about sport and the food in the Japanese restaurant had been just the sort of thing that Russell liked. There had been talk of carrying on back at Angie’s friend Suzie’s flat but a number of key players opted out due to previous engagements so that plan fell apart pretty quickly. Russell was grateful for the early end to the festivities as on the whole he had managed to present himself to Angie’s friends in a half-decent light and had not drunk enough to set him on a trajectory that usually resulted in him dancing/confessing his love for Neil Diamond’s early output/falling asleep on a complete stranger’s shoulder. So now they were at home and without the welcome distraction of other people, Russell felt distinctly on edge.
‘I’m going to grab a beer,’ said Russell, standing up. ‘Do you want one?’
‘I shouldn’t really, should I?’ yawned Angie. ‘Well all right, I’ll have another Bud if you insist.’
Russell headed down the hallway to the kitchen and was in the process of pulling two beers out of the fridge when his phone vibrated to let him know he had a text. Setting one of the bottles down he pulled out his phone, looked at the screen and was so shocked by the name he saw that he almost dropped the bottle in his other hand.
Returning to the living room Russell tried his best to act as if nothing happened but it was virtually impossible.
The text message had said: ‘Hi, it’s me. I know it’s late but we need to talk. Am out with friends at the Pitcher and Piano in Didsbury. Please come over and meet me if you can. We’ll be there until late. Cass xxx.’ Russell half wondered whether she had sent the message to him rather than his brother by accident but there was something about the tone, wording and timing of the message that convinced him he was wrong. Whatever, Russell knew that he didn’t have it in him to resist her call. There was too much he needed to say to her. Too many apologies he wanted to make in person. And he needed to make sure that she wasn’t about to do something crazy like tell Luke what had happened.
‘Listen,’ he said. ‘I know this is a pain but I’ve just had a text from Luke and Adam and they want me to meet them down at BlueBar later to talk about my Dad.’
‘What about him?’
‘Well I’m guessing that Luke probably wants me to take my turn at having him for a while.’
Angie covered her mouth in horror. ‘You haven’t told them your dad could move in here, have you? Not that there’s anything wrong with your dad. He’s lovely. But there’s barely room to swing a cat in here let alone a pensioner.’
Russell managed to raise a smile. ‘Me, you and my dad living in a flat this tiny! Are you insane? Of course I haven’t agreed to it. But I do need to go and make my case, OK? You know what they’re like. They think they can boss me about all they want.’
‘OK, fine,’ replied Angie reluctantly. ‘But you don’t have to go right now, do you?’
Russell looked at his watch and reasoned that he probably needn’t leave until about eleven. ‘I’ll be fine for ages,’ he agreed and turned up the volume of the TV so they could carry on watching Friends.
‘Excuses don’t come into it.’
Luke was still in shock. He had never seen Cassie that angry. He hadn’t thought such bitterness was possible from someone as sweet natured as her. He played over their meeting time and time again to work out how something so straightforward had ended up going so wrong. The answer was always the same: he had displayed a level of misjudgement so catastrophic that it eclipsed every wrong thing he had ever done before.
; He could see his mistake now. He had come to her thinking that his efforts with Jayne would be enough to show that he was trying. But the time for trying had been over long ago. All that mattered was a result and he hadn’t one to offer.
Luke called Cassie’s mobile to apologise but her phone was switched off and his call went straight to voicemail. He left a message that was short and to the point: ‘I’m sorry, Cass. I’m really sorry. Call me when you get this and let’s talk.’ He was desperate enough to seriously consider driving up to Harrogate to see Cassie’s parents in the hope that they might agree to act as intermediaries, when his dad emerged from the living room.
‘I didn’t hear you come in,’ said Dad. ‘Have you been back long?’
Luke shook his head. ‘I only just stepped through the door.’
‘Have you been anywhere nice?’
‘Not really.’
‘Are you hungry? I can make you something to eat if you like.’
‘I’m fine, Dad, honest.’
‘Tea? I was just going to make one anyway.’
Luke looked at the car keys in his hands. What was he doing even thinking about going to see Cassie’s parents? He needed to stop and think about what his next move was going to be instead of lurching from one bad idea to the next. ‘Thanks, Dad, tea would be great.’
Luke sat down on the sofa and looked around the room. Dad had been watching a documentary about World War II on the History Channel but by the looks of things (chiefly the many plates and mugs stacked up on the coffee table) he hadn’t been anywhere other than this room all day.