by Claire Adams
“I’m not cleaning up that jerk’s vomit. No way.”
“It’s kind of your job, Cassidy.” Susan laughed.
“At least I’m going on the hike for the rest of the morning instead of sitting around here. I’ll get some time away from the guy.”
“Well…” Susan said as she shrugged her shoulders and gave me a funny look.
“What? Oh, don’t tell me that he signed up for the hike?”
“I suggested some fresh air might do him good after yesterday. Yeah, he’s going. But there’s others going, too. You can just stay away from each other. I’m sure it will be fine.”
My stomach was in knots at the idea of having to spend a couple hours hiking with the man who had just called me a pervert. It wasn’t going to be fun, that was for sure. Plus, he was obviously in great physical condition, while I doubted I was going to be able to make it up the mountain alive. I was no longer looking forward to my hike at all.
When Melanie came and gathered everyone up for the trip, she was so peppy and excited that I instantly regretted saying I wanted to come along. My effort to stay away from Erik had just landed me on a two-hour hike that was bound to leave me exhausted and sweaty. Working out wasn’t really my favorite thing to do, and I certainly didn’t want to be huffing and puffing in front of all the patients, especially that jerk Erik.
Erik, Brad the ex-boy band guy, Stan the middle-aged drummer, and Kimber the rich girl all followed Melanie as I brought up the rear of our pack. Only non-threatening patients could go on trips off of the campus, so that meant no one from the secure unit. Typically, they also had to have earned enough points to have a room with a door, but I was sure they were going to let Erik do whatever the hell he wanted. It wasn’t like anyone was going to try and escape; they weren’t being held against their will.
The patients on my unit did have a lot to lose if they left treatment early, though. Sometimes a new gig required the treatment, or a loved one, or even an insurance company that was insuring them for a tour. There were a variety of reasons to motivate people to finish treatment, beyond whatever their internal motivation was.
It became very apparent to me that I was out of shape as everyone in our group inched closer and closer to Melanie and farther and farther away from me. It started with me being about ten steps behind Kimber, then twenty steps, and soon I wasn’t even with the group any longer. Melanie continued to glance back to make sure I was still huffing along, but they continued up the mountain without hesitation.
I didn’t specifically want them to stop and wait for me, but I also hated being left behind. I was younger than most of the people on our walk, yet I couldn’t even make it up the gentle slope of the mountain. Sure, I had cleaned up my act from partying and alcohol, but I certainly didn’t feel like I was healthy yet.
My own willpower was fading as I saw the group sneak up over a small hill. As soon as they couldn’t see me any longer, I stopped and sat down on a large rock. My breathing was labored, I was sweating, and I had decided that continuing up the mountain wasn’t the best option for me. I’d just wait there for them to get back down. Sooner or later, they’d have to turn around and make their way back toward the rehab center.
“You’re just going to give up?” I heard a man’s voice say from behind me.
“I can’t do it.”
“Well, that’s not the way to think your way through something. Get your ass up and let’s go,” Erik said as he reached his hand out for me. “I’m not going to kill myself on this damn mountain alone. You’re coming with me.”
I had to laugh. He didn’t look like he was any better shape than I was. He was pale, almost gray in color, his shirt was drenched in sweat, and his hand shook as he reached for mine. For a man who looked like he was at his peak of health, I could only assume his addiction and withdrawal from substances was starting to wear on him.
“Maybe you should quit with me and rest; you look like shit,” I said and then we both laughed.
“This is supposed to clean my system out. I think,” he said, unsure of himself. “And who tells a patient they look like shit? You’re the worst person.” He laughed as we continued up the hill.
“Who told you that it would clean your system?”
“The nurse.”
“She probably just wanted to get rid of you.” I laughed.
“Probably.”
I shook my head in response. Hiking certainly would help him sweat through his withdrawals, but it wasn’t going to clean anything out. Erik was going to have to suffer through the rest of the day with cramped muscles and probably vomiting from overexerting himself.
“You should have eaten breakfast,” I joked.
“Shit, I’m dying here. You either need to carry me back down this mountain or let’s finish this thing so I can have some damn bacon.”
“I thought you were a vegan?”
“I was a fair-weather vegan. Right now, I want some damn meat. So, let’s get going and show those old folks how this is done.”
The determination in his voice hit home for me. That was exactly how I had felt when I was going through treatment. I had to just keep pushing forward or I would have totally given up. Every day at the treatment center, I felt like I wanted to quit. I actually even said it to my nurses on several occasions. I felt a little guilty that I had told Erik I wanted to quit, that wasn’t at all a good example for a patient at our hospital.
I refocused and started moving faster to pick up our pace. I didn’t think we were going to catch up to the group, but maybe they would have stopped to rest and we could catch up to them that way.
“Let’s do it then,” I said as I grabbed for his hand and pulled him behind me. “Melanie just let you come back here?”
“I think she thought you had died or something.” He laughed.
“Yeah, I guess working out isn’t really my thing.”
“What is your thing?” he ventured to ask.
It was a simple enough question, but I didn’t have an answer for him. I really didn’t know what my thing was. I had spent the last few years worrying about my sobriety and nothing else. I was looking at going back to college to be a nurse, but I wasn’t even that sure about that. For so long my life had been a minute by minute game that I hadn’t bothered to plan for my future very well.
“I don’t know.”
“Me either.”
“Well, at least you have a family who loves you and money to take care of you. That’s something, right?” I said.
“I don’t have a family who loves me. I don’t have anyone.”
His response hit me hard, but I continued to walk up the mountain. How could someone with money like his not have a family who loved him? I supposed his family could just support him and not really offer emotional support. I felt bad for implying what I had, and we continued up the mountain in silence.
Both of us huffed and puffed our way up to where the rest of the group was resting near the top of the mountain. It felt like a pretty big accomplishment that I hadn’t quit and instead had continued hiking. The old me would have certainly quit; I liked the new me much better. Climbing and hiking were never going to be something I loved to do, but I really did like it on that day.
“Nice of you two to join us,” Melanie said. “Here’s some water. Rest and catch your breath. We are going to the top.”
Erik and I both looked at each other as our eyes enlarged and we looked at the 100-foot hike that would lead us right to the peak. It wasn’t all that far of a hike, but the incline was very steep and it would require climbing up and over rocks. I didn’t feel comfortable at all that I could manage the climb without causing myself or someone else some major injuries.
“It’s okay, I’ll wait for you guys here,” Erik said as if he had totally taken the words right out of my mouth.
“No,” Melanie said.
“Um, I’ll wait with him. That’s pretty steep and I’m exhausted.”
“No,” she said again.
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I looked at her and was about to unload a whole lot of attitude when Brad came over and sat next to me and Erik. He didn’t look nearly as exhausted as the two of us did. For an ex-boy band member, he was in surprisingly good shape. Probably all that touring and dancing he use to do, or running around after his young girlfriends.
“I’ll stay back also,” Brad said.
“Me, too,” Kimber added.
That was when I started to feel bad. I looked at Melanie and I saw the total disappointment in her eyes. By saying I didn’t want to climb to the top, I had basically given everyone else permission to quit. That wasn’t at all the message Melanie, or I, wanted to teach people who were going through treatment.
“Actually, I think I will do it,” I said as I gathered up some superhuman energy. “I’d really like to see this thing through. I mean, I got my butt up this far.”
“It’s a pretty amazing view up there. I’m glad you’re seeing it through to the end.”
Melanie was younger than me, but she looked at me with a proud mother’s eyes as I gingerly followed her and Stan toward the rocky climb that would finish up our hike. I did let Melanie and Stan go first, purely because I knew it was going to take me a while to actually navigate the rocks and pull my butt up to the top.
“Are you going or do I need to grab your ass and push you up there?” Erik asked from behind me.
“Don’t you dare touch my ass,” I replied and shot him a stern look, and then a smile.
I was happy that he had decided to join the final hike to the top, and sure enough, both Brad and Kimber stood up behind him. Peer pressure could do both good and bad things, and in that moment, it had pushed everyone not to give up and to finish our hike to the top of the mountain.
There wasn’t any more talking as we all navigated the rocks and concentrated on getting up to the top. Even though there were others around us supporting us, the work had to be done alone. It wasn’t a dangerous climb, but the rocks were steep and I had to go slowly or I would have slipped.
Suddenly, the metaphor that Melanie had used was totally in focus for me. This hike was truly like what treatment was like. We could have a great support system around us, but in the end, it was our own actions that would bring us to the top of the mountain. And as I pushed myself up that final step and stood at the top of the mountain looking out at the amazing views, I was a total mess. Tears flowed down my face and I used my parka to wipe them away, hoping that no one else had seen my blubbering.
“It’s pretty powerful, isn’t it,” Melanie said as she gave me a hug.
“Yeah, thanks for pushing us.”
“You’re a leader to these patients, Cassidy. Always remember that your actions can guide others.”
Wow, Melanie was profound in her words. I hadn’t known her all that much since she had started working at Paradise Peak, but she knew about my past. We had talked on a couple of occasions and I remembered thinking she could never really understand addicts, since she hadn’t been one herself. But as we stood there, looking out over the city of Aspen and relishing our accomplishment, I realized she probably had a much better understanding than even I had.
I didn’t feel like a leader, though. I could barely maintain my own sobriety, so feeling responsible for helping others get sober seemed a tad bit overwhelming for me. But I would deal with it. I would deal with anything I had to in order to keep my life moving forward and on a good path.
Two years before, I could have easily killed myself with all the stupid life decisions I was making. It felt good to be finally making some decisions that were better for me. I even considered going on another damn hike with Melanie some time – but perhaps when the snow had melted and the weather was better.
Our bodies were sweating from the amount of work we were doing, but the sweat was making us cold because of the weather. It was certainly time to get back down to the treatment facility, and maybe even have some hot chocolate.
“Now can we go back down? My balls are falling off,” Brad said through his shivering teeth.
We all laughed and together started our trek back to the facility. It was much easier to get back down than it had been to get up there, and I enjoyed that part of the trip the best. I could hike down mountains all day long, I thought to myself.
BILLIONAIRE IN REHAB PART II
Chapter Six
Erik
“I’m not bringing your breakfast in there, so if you want to eat, you’re going to have to crawl out here,” Cassidy said from the doorway.
“Come here.”
“No, you’re probably naked or something. I’ll be out here. If you want to talk to me, you’ll need to come out here.”
“Ugh, you’re killing me.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s the drugs leaving your system. Don’t blame that on me,” she replied as she got farther and farther away from my room.
It was the truth, though. I had thought the withdrawals from my first few days were the worst, but add in dehydration and cramping, and I was absolutely miserable. I could hardly manage to move my muscles and when I did, I pretty much moaned in pain. Our little walk had been enlightening and fun, but it left my body totally destroyed.
I really wasn’t trying to trick her into coming into my room, but I could see how she might have thought I was. My stomach hurt, my head hurt, even the muscles in my legs hurt and because I was in treatment, they couldn’t give me anything stronger than a Tylenol without taking me to the doctor. There was no way I was going to get poked and prodded by some random doctor, so I just suffered through it.
As much as I wanted to see Cassidy and talk to her, I couldn’t bear to get up out of bed and instead drifted back to sleep. While sleeping, I had the joy of reliving the last few months before I had arrived at the treatment center. My dreams were often filled with random women, drugs, and parties. I couldn’t even keep them all straight and the reality and dream life of my past seemed to mix together. It was a lonely life I had lived, even I had to admit that.
With friends and acquaintances filling my home for party after party, none of them cared about me. They came for the free booze and parties. They came so they could say they knew someone rich. I was an idol to them, but not because I had invented a technologically savvy way to buy tickets online; I was an idol purely because I had money.
I was wrapped up in it and couldn’t see it at all during that time of my life. When I would revisit those moments in my dreams, it always felt like I was on the outside looking in and watching my own self destruction. There had only been one person in my life who reached out for me and tried to hold onto me and prevent me from slipping off the cliff.
Spencer had reached out over and over; and I had kicked him off the damn cliff. He shouldn’t have stuck with me. There was nothing about the way I had been behaving that would have endeared me to him, yet my friend continued to be there for me. I had treated him horribly.
My dreams were vivid and often, but I always woke up feeling like I was drowning and couldn’t breathe. I hadn’t remembered falling into that pool in a drunken stupor, but I did remember waking up with a tube down my throat and my friend sitting next to me.
I imagined while I was drunk and in the pool, I had probably fought to breathe, but my drunkenness had prevented my efforts. Even though I didn’t have a conscious memory of those moments, my body still had them.
Water gave me anxiety, which sucked because I loved to swim. I really did want to get in the pool here. But I hadn’t worked myself up to that yet. Nightmares and fears were still too powerful for me.
When I was in the hospital, my father and brother had been called but didn’t bother to show up for me. Not even when they knew I had almost died. No one else came. If it hadn’t been for Spencer, I would have surely died that night, yet my own family wouldn’t be bothered enough to come sit with me. It left a hole in my gut that was hard to fill.
We hadn’t been close and I understood that, but if either of them had almost
died, I certainly would have been there for them. That’s what families did. Even if you were angry with each other, you still showed up when it mattered.
Well, at least that was what I thought families should do. Apparently that wasn’t the case in my family.
My mother would have been there. If my mother hadn’t died, she would have been there the second she had found out. But then again, if my mother had been alive, I probably wouldn’t have been so desperately holding on to reality. A boy needed his mother. Especially me; I needed her.
Laura Levy had been one of the strongest women I knew. When she had been diagnosed with breast cancer, it was like a wicked joke that I thought couldn’t possibly be true. Despite losing her hair and going through treatments for months, I never actually thought I would lose her. I knew she was going to beat it. Every fiber of my being knew she was going to be all right. That made the day she died one of the most shocking in my entire life.
I could still remember my father’s screams as he woke up to her lifeless body next to him one morning. He cried out with such pain that I thought he had been hurt at first. Heath and I were only teenagers when we stood in the doorway to our parents’ room and saw our father holding our stiff mother in his arms and wailing with tears. There was nothing that could be done. It was clear she had been dead for hours.
The shock of the moment prevented me from crying. Instead, I took charge. I called 911 to have the police and paramedics come to the house even though I clearly saw that she was dead.
It wasn’t until the day of her funeral that I finally cried. When I saw my sweet mother lying in the casket and unable to hug me any longer. Unable to offer me advice about girls, or tease me about my grades. It wasn’t until that moment that the loneliness set in.
I didn’t intend to alienate my father or brother. I truly loved them. But as I managed to graduate from high school, all I could think about was getting as far away from our East Coast home. I applied to every college on the West Coast and managed to land a few interviews. Cal Poly drew my attention very quickly, though, and I accepted entrance there without talking it over with my family at all.