by Claire Adams
Brian squeezed my hand tightly.
“Until the next time I’d break one of his rules,” I whispered. “And then he’d punish me in ways that…” I shook my head as I tried to clear the memories. I just couldn’t go back down that horrible hole of pain and self-loathing.
“He’d punish you to try and rid himself of his own pain,” Brian said quietly. “You were his canvas.”
I looked up, surprised that he had been able to voice my thoughts so clearly, and shocked that he wasn’t condemning me. I nodded slightly.
“I don’t understand it,” I said. “I don’t understand how he could use me the way he did, and I don’t understand how I allowed myself to be used! I actually felt sorry for him more often than I felt sorry for myself!”
“It’s classic Stockholm Syndrome,” Brian explained. “The abuser psychologically manipulates the victim to the point that the victim feels sympathy for him.”
“I know,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “We’re studying this in Psych class, remember?”
“I do remember,” he said. “But I don’t think you understand how it works. I think you’re being incredibly hard on yourself because you don’t believe that it actually exists and that you are a victim.”
“No, I get it. I get it,” I said. “I was abused, I developed Stockholm Syndrome, I was rescued, I’m fine.”
“Ava,” Brian squeezed my hand again. “It’s not that simple. You can’t just intellectualize abuse and expect that the experience will disappear. Dominic did a number on you and you’re still trying to recover from it. Granted, you’re doing a damn sight better than most people, but you’re still suffering.”
“I’m not suffering!” I shouted. “It was my stupid fault that I got into the situation in the first place!”
“What the hell are you talking about?” he demanded.
“I mean, I started dating Dominic to get back at my parents, so it’s my fault that I ended up with a psychopathic lunatic!”
“You can’t actually believe that,” he said solemnly.
“What other explanation is there for it?” I asked. I was pissed at him for lecturing me and for trying to upend my own logical explanation for what had happened and how it had happened.
“Ava, you didn’t invite a psychopathic lunatic into your life,” he said calmly. “You fell for a guy who manipulated your feelings and abused your body until you didn’t know which end was up. That wasn’t your fault. Psychopaths don’t have a conscience like normal people, so they don’t operate within the same rules as people with a conscience. That’s not your fault.”
“But if I hadn’t been so stubborn and tried to rebel against my parents…” I trailed off.
“That has nothing to do with it either,” he said. “Millions of kids rebel against their parents every day, but that doesn’t mean that they are responsible for the behavior of people like Dominic or that they deserve to be abused because they rebelled.”
“But I made the choice!” I yelled.
“Yes, but you made the choice based on the faulty information fed to you by a person who was looking to manipulate and abuse you,” he said quietly. “You’re not responsible for his reprehensible behavior.”
I angrily pulled away from him and buried my face in my hands as I began to sob quietly. When he reached up to touch my shoulder, I shrunk back, and he withdrew his hand.
“It’s okay, Ava,” he whispered. “You’re safe now. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”
“I’m never going to feel normal again!” I sobbed.
“No, you probably won’t,” he agreed. “But you’re strong and you have a bright spirit that can withstand just about anything, so you’re going to be okay. I promise. It’s just going to take time.”
“How do you know?” I wept.
“I just do,” he replied as he looked out the window. Then he turned back and asked, “What did your parents think of him?”
“I told you, they never met him,” I said.
“Oh, that’s right. You did tell me that, but why didn’t they meet him?”
“They’re always too busy to be bothered,” I replied. “They drop me off places and then they jet off to whatever meeting or vacation they have planned and forget that I exist until they need me for some publicity campaign or someone makes them feel guilty about ignoring their only child. It’s pretty predictable, really.”
“You’re not serious,” he said.
“Dead serious. They just don’t care about what I do until it affects them,” I said. “The only reason that my father hired you is because he’s testing the waters to see if he should run for Congress and he didn’t want the psycho ex-boyfriend of his only daughter to mess up his polling numbers. If he decides not to run, I’m sure he’ll fire you quicker than you can say boo.”
“C’mon, your dad can’t be that bad,” he said.
“Oh, he’s worse,” I replied. “He doesn’t do anything for anyone unless he can see how it benefits him.”
“Well, as long as I’m on the payroll, I’ll do everything I can to ensure you’re safe,” he said.
“And when you’re not on it anymore?” I asked.
“I’ll stick around and make sure you are safe,” he replied as he put his arm around me.
I nodded and then looked away.
*****
We sat silent for a long time, and I could tell that my revelation about my family didn’t sit well with Brian, but I didn’t know how to make it seem better than it was. Part of me didn’t want to make it seem better because that was my problem to begin with, everything was always painted as a pretty picture rather than looking at the ugly reality.
“I’m doing a lot better than I was,” I said quietly.
“Oh? How so?” he asked.
“I see a therapist and I’ve been able to work towards asserting myself rather than just taking whatever is offered,” I said.
“That explains it,” Brian said with a small grin.
“Explains what?”
“Your stubbornness,” he grinned.
“I am not stubborn!” I shouted, and then burst into laughter as I heard myself. Brian’s laughter mingled with mine, and together we filled the air with the melody of happier sounds.
“What else have you learned?” he asked once we’d wiped our eyes and quieted down.
“I’ve stopped trying to please everyone else,” I said. “Instead, I’m working on doing the things that make me happy. I think that’s the biggest one, really.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that my entire life has been centered on doing whatever it takes to get my parents to love me and pay attention to me,” I said honestly. “I’ve always tried to be the good girl; the good student, the good citizen, the good daughter. I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone or upset the balance. I’ve tried to be invisible while also trying to get someone to notice that I exist. I was a people pleaser to the extreme, and it was exhausting. I can see how I was the perfect target for Dominic; the ultimate pet who was constantly seeking his approval.” I cringed as I recalled the ways in which I would grovel in order to get his approval. I wasn’t ready to share that part of things with Brian; he’d never look at me the same again once he knew. Plus, I didn’t want him telling my parents how dark my life had become and how humiliated I’d been.
“How’s that working for you?” he asked.
“It’s a work in progress, but it’s much better than it used to be,” I said. “Now, I figure out what I need first, and then think about what other people need. No more putting everyone else’s needs before my own, and no more denying who I am in order to make someone else feel comfortable.”
“That is probably the healthiest way to live one’s life,” he smiled. “But it’s not always easy to do, is it?”
“It’s really not easy at all,” I said. “I find myself constantly pulled back into the bad habits I’ve spent a lifetime developing, and then I get depressed because it feels
like I’ll never change. I lose hope and, well, you see what happens.” I shrugged as I tipped my head and grimaced, recalling the previous night.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Brian offered. “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
“God, I hate that phrase,” I muttered. “Why does everyone think that’s at all helpful?”
“I’m sorry,” he chuckled. “You’re right, it’s kind of stupid to say that to someone who is in the middle of something really stressful and trying to change the situation.”
“It really is,” I said earnestly.
Brian leaned back on the couch and pulled me toward him. I resisted for a moment, and then let myself be pulled into his embrace. It felt good to have his strong arms wrapped around me and feel his chin resting on the top of my head. I pressed my cheek against his chest and listened to him breathing as I closed my eyes and willed myself to relax.
“That’s it,” he whispered into my hair as he gently stroked my back. “Just relax. You’re safe with me, Ava. I promise. I won’t let anything bad happen to you while you’re with me.”
I nodded slowly and tried to believe that what he was promising was true, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to let go and trust him. I wanted to, but I also knew that people often made promises that they couldn’t keep—even when they wanted to.
Maybe he’ll be different.
*****
“What was it like growing up so rich?” Brian asked as he continued to run his hands up and down my back.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean, I grew up in a family that lived paycheck to paycheck, so I can’t imagine what it would be like to have all that money,” he admitted. “I’m just curious what it was like.”
“Well, it’s not as great as you’d think,” I said. “I mean, it’s great in the sense that you don’t have to worry about anything. You always have everything you need and often times even more than you need. I always had new clothes and the best books and games, but then, so did most of my friends, so it was like that was the normal way things were.” I sat and thought about it for a while, and then I tried to explain. “Until I came to college, I really didn’t know anyone who didn’t live like my family lived. It wasn’t that I was totally unaware that other people lived differently than we did, it just wasn’t my reality.”
“That makes sense,” he acknowledged. “I didn’t know what it was like not to live like we lived.”
“I don’t want to compare our lives,” I said. “But being wealthy has it’s own set of challenges that, in many ways, make things less stable. There are rules and ways of behaving that don’t make sense in any other environment, and I always felt like I was being watched. However, I also always felt like I was absolutely alone. Like there was no one there to take care of me because they wanted to, everyone was only part of my life because my father paid them.” I stopped and looked up at him.
“It’s true,” he said. “I’m here because you father hired me, but I’m staying because I care about you, Ava.”
“That’s what they always say,” I lamented. “Until the money stops flowing and they go away. I don’t feel like anyone in my life is permanent because I know that money determines their loyalty.”
“Even your friends?” he asked.
“Lara and Jessie are my friends until they decide that they need someone more powerful or richer to lead the group,” I said.
“Wow, that’s kind of sad.”
“Is it?” I asked. “Or is it simply pragmatic? If I know that most people are going to abandon ship when the money runs out, why would I spend time expecting them to stay?”
Brian considered this for a moment and then nodded in understanding.
“I think that’s why I was so drawn to Dominic,” I said. “He didn’t need me for the money. His family is 10 times wealthier than mine, and so if my money ran out it really didn’t matter. I wanted to believe that he loved me just for me and not for what I could do for him or what I could give him.”
“That makes sense,” Brian agreed.
“The problem was that he also knew that I was the poor little rich girl whose parents really didn’t have a whole lot to do with her, so he knew he could exploit me, but that’s getting away from what you asked,” I reminded him.
He nodded and then said, “Back to what it was like growing up.”
“I was lonely,” I said. “It’s hard to be an only child of really rich parents. They filled my days with all kinds of activities and lessons, and while I’m not complaining about all of the advantages I have because of those things, I always felt so isolated. Alone.”
“Didn’t you have any friends?” he asked. “Kids you could play with and talk to?”
“You don’t understand,” I explained. “In my world, kids playing together was akin to corporate executives getting together for a round of golf. You could be friendly, but you never revealed the secrets behind the mask. I knew better than to talk about my parents or explain how I felt to any of the kids I played with because they might have told their parents, and then the balance of power would have shifted and it could have cost my father money. It’s always about the money.”
“Jesus, what the hell kind of world is that?” he asked.
“It’s a brutal world,” I admitted. “It’s being raised to understand that you are competing with other kids at all times and that the weak will lose. It’s always about winning. And in order to win, you can never, ever let your guard down.”
We sat in silence as my words sunk in, and then Brian said, “I grew up in a neighborhood where we kicked each other’s asses, but we also had each other’s backs when the shit hit the fan.”
“I’ve always wondered what that would feel like,” I admitted. “What it would be like to know that someone always had your back, no matter what. I’ve always felt the opposite of that. Like I’d be torn down and destroyed if I ever let my guard down for even a second, so I developed a really mean outer persona.”
“You, mean?” he said incredulously. “I can’t even imagine it.”
“Oh, believe it,” I said. “I was the ultimate mean girl, but it was totally based on fear and the need to keep everyone at a safe distance.”
“What changed it?” he asked.
“You don’t want to know,” I said.
“Yeah, actually, I do,” he whispered into my hair.
“You won’t like me if I tell you,” I replied.
“I promise that I’ll still like you,” he said. “We’ve all done things we wish we hadn’t. But those of us who’ve learned from the experience never forget it.”
I tipped my chin up to look at him as he said this, but his face gave nothing away.
“I was in high school, at an East Coast boarding school, and there was a girl who had a nervous breakdown because we bullied her relentlessly,” I took a deep breath. “It was my fault, I think. I was so mean to her and told her that no one liked her.”
“Why did you do that?” he asked, without moving away.
“I…I…I…was jealous,” I stammered.
“Of what?”
I looked down at the floor and thought about how to explain myself, and then decided that the truth was the best choice. I took a deep breath and said, “The fact that her parents obviously loved her because they were always sending her care packages and came to visit her every few weeks. I was so envious and I hated her for making me feel so unloved, so I tortured her.”
“Like I said, we all do things that we later regret,” Brian said gently. “The question is whether we learn from our mistakes and avoid repeating them.”
“Oh, I learned alright,” I whispered. “I will never forget the lesson I learned.”
“What happened?”
“We bullied her so relentlessly that she tried to kill herself in order to escape,” I said in a small voice. “She didn’t succeed, but she never came back to school. I don’t know what happened to her, but I’ve always hoped that her life got mu
ch better after her parents took her out of our nest of vipers.”
“Stop beating yourself up,” he said. “Kids do cruel things because they learn their behavior from the adults around them. Do you still treat people that badly?”
“No! I’ll never be that cruel again!” I cried.
“Then let it go,” he said. “You’re not that person anymore, so stop torturing yourself as if you were.”
“You sound like you know a lot about this kind of thing,” I observed as I looked up at him. Brian shrugged and looked out the window on the other side of the room; his eyes focused on some point far off in the distance.
“Yeah, well, the military is kind of similar to your boarding school,” he said. “Only more brutal, I think.”
“You’ve obviously never lived with high school girls,” I said with a grim grin.
“No, that’s true, I never have,” he smiled a bit. “Maybe we should recruit them into the military as stealth fighters?”
I laughed out loud at the thought of the privileged girls from my boarding school having to rough it in the Iraqi desert. The image of spoiled girls knee-deep in sand and denied their luxuries pushed my laughter into high gear, and soon I was shaking in Brian’s arms as I imagined the way they would respond to being told what to do or how to do it. Brian looked down at me with concern as my laughter morphed into tears, and then pulled me close and held me tightly as the pain leaked from my eyes.