by Claire Adams
He continued moaning and thrashing, and now it seemed to be getting worse. I yelled again and gently lobbed my pillow at him, hoping that the impact would somehow jar him out of the dream state he was in. Instead, he grabbed the pillow and began wrestling with it as if it were a person who was intent on doing him harm.
“Brian!” I called with urgency in my voice. “Brian, wake up! It’s just a dream!”
He thrashed harder now and began to yelled, “Get down, get down! No! No! Get down!” over and over again. I realized he was in the midst of a nightmare about something else, somewhere else, but I didn’t know how to bring him back to me. It wasn’t long before the yelling turned to screaming, and his frantic attempts to escape whatever horror he was reliving caused him to fall off the bed and hit the floor with a loud thud. The screaming stopped and I rushed to the other side of the bed to find Brian laying tangled in the sheets with a dazed look on his face.
“Ava?” he said in a small voice.
“Yes, Brian, I’m here,” I replied as I tentatively reached out to stroke his head. I wasn’t sure how awake he was and I didn’t want to startle him, so I waited for him to give me another signal.
“Ava? What…” he began before he looked up at me and then down at where he lay. He quickly sat up and pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as he buried his face between his knees. Uncertain as to what he needed, I stroked his head softly and slowly as I felt him begin to shake.
“Brian?” I whispered. “I’m here. What do you need?”
He shook his head slowly as he continued to shake. It wasn’t long before he began to rock back and forth, as if he were trying to comfort himself. I heard the sound of sobs being choked back as he focused on breathing deeply and rocking. I left my hand on his head and waited silently.
It took many, many minutes before he was calm enough to look up at me, but when he did, my heart broke. His face was contorted by pain and fear, and the only thing I could do was drop to my knees next to him and pull his head to my chest and hold him tightly against my body. Brian wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face in my chest.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay,” I whispered over and over. “You’re okay. You’re safe.”
Brian shook his head and mumbled something I couldn’t hear.
“What did you say?” I asked.
“I’m not okay,” he murmured.
“Yes, you are,” I replied.
“No, Ava, I’m not okay!” he growled as he lifted his head and gave me a fierce look. “I’m so messed up, and I’m never going to be okay.”
“What’s going on?” I asked, bewildered by the sudden shift in the power dynamic as I realized that I was protecting him from something neither of us could see.
“It’s so screwed up,” he muttered as he shook his head. “I’ve kept it under control all week, but the lack of sleep and the stress of trying to keep you safe…”
“What? What did it do?” I pushed.
“It triggered the nightmares,” he admitted with a deep sigh.
“Nightmares?”
“Yeah, from the war,” he replied. “Ava, they told me I have PTSD and that I’m going to probably live with it all my life. The memories aren’t going to go away, but in order to manage them I have to get enough rest, stay away from drugs and alcohol, and not get into situations where stress rules the roost.”
“Then why are you doing this job?” I asked.
“Because I didn’t think it would be a big deal,” he admitted with a wry grin. “I mean, really, what’s so hard about babysitting a college girl whose ex-boyfriend is a jerk?”
I laughed a little as I heard him sum up what in any other world would have been a super easy security job, but I felt bad that my situation had caused him such pain and anguish.
“Yeah, that sounds like a cakewalk…if it wasn’t me,” I replied with a grin. “I’m sorry, Brian.”
“It’s not your fault,” he said as he reached up and cupped my face. “It’s mine for not managing it better.”
“Brian, what are we going to do?” I asked.
“We need to call the police and tell them what’s going on,” he said seriously. “I can’t maintain protection on my own, Ava. Dominic is off the rails and we need help here.”
“We can’t!” I cried. “You know that! You know I can’t get the police involved in this!”
“Ava, it’s not safe,” he said. “Not for you, and now, not for me either.”
I looked at him for a long while before I got up off the floor and looked down at him as I quietly replied, “Fine. If you need to back out and let my father hire someone else, then I understand.”
PROTECTOR #5
After I’d laid down the law on going to the police, Brian looked at me silently, then rolled over and went back to sleep without another word. I lay awake for a long time thinking about the consequences of calling the police and about what the stress of having to work this situation alone was doing to a man I was quickly becoming attached to, but in the end, I couldn’t see how we could involve the police in this without it becoming a nightmare for my father. Right before dawn, I drifted off into a fitful sleep.
The next morning, I woke up early and moved to the living room, where I sat on the couch staring out the window as Brian slept. There were lots of things about him that I didn’t understand, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever understand them. He’d obviously been through a lot in the military, and the effects of his experiences were rearing their ugly heads as he tried to balance his job with what he was feeling for me. Every day we grew closer, but was it really a bond that could last or was it simply the result of being cooped up together in this emergency situation that forced us to keep moving closer?
I was tired of running. I was tired of being afraid of Dominic. I’d spent a year trying to extract myself from his choking grip, and now I was right back to where I started. When would it ever end?
“Hey, you’re up early,” Brian said as he emerged from the bedroom, rubbing his sleepy eyes.
“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep,” I replied in a tired voice before looking up at him. “You okay?”
“Huh?” he gave me a confused look. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”
“Well, last night was kind of intense,” I said.
“Oh, that,” he looked away and then walked toward the window. “Yeah, well…”
“You want to talk about it?” I asked.
With his back to me, he shook his head and then walked over, grabbed the remote, and flipped on the news. The sound of the morning’s activities filled the silent room, acting as a deterrent for more questions. He didn’t want to talk with me, but I didn’t accept this.
“Brian,” I said loud enough to be heard over the television. “You know there are places where you can get help for PTSD, right?”
“I don’t recall asking you for advice,” he said in a low voice.
“I’m just saying that there are ways you can deal with this!” I replied. I wasn’t going to let him brush me off that easily.
“You know what, Ava?” he growled. “I think it would be wise if you’d clean up your own house before you start trying to air out mine.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I replied in an annoyed tone.
“I’m just saying that before you try and make me deal with my problems, you should probably deal with your own, first!” he shouted. “You are a hot mess, you know that, don’t you?”
“Me? I’m a hot mess?” I yelled back. “Oh, that’s a good one! The guy who can’t make it through the night without screaming in his sleep tells me I’m a hot mess. Very nice.”
“Careful,” he warned as he stared at me. “You’re treading on thin, thin ice.”
“You’re the one who started it!” I shot back.
“Ava, I don’t want to talk about my issues,” he said calmly. “I’ve told you I don’t want to see a shrink, and I mean it. A stranger is not going to help me sort ou
t the mess that’s in my head. So let it go.”
“Fine,” I shrugged. “Whatever, but you really should think about talking to someone. Anyone. Family? Friends?”
“Right, that’s a great option,” he laughed without humor. “Dump all the crap that happened to me on my friends and family so they can live with it? Not happening.”
“Oh, the irony,” I sighed.
“What’s so ironic about that?” he asked, genuinely curious.
“Nothing,” I murmured. “Never mind.”
“Look, I’m sorry,” he said as he sat down next to me on the couch. “I know you mean well, it’s just that I don’t want to talk to anyone about it.”
“Not even me?” I asked in a small voice as I looked into his eyes. Brian held my gaze for a few seconds before reaching out and pulling me into his arms.
“Not even you, Ava,” he whispered into my hair. I wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my cheek on his chest as I felt him breathing.
*****
We sat entwined on the couch for what felt like a really long time. Neither one of us said a word, we just held on to each other for dear life and waited for the panicked feeling to pass. Or at least that’s what I did. Brian didn’t give much away, and since I couldn’t see his face, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. So I let go and enjoyed the feeling of safety and security that I felt when he wrapped his arms around me. I closed my eyes and let myself forget where I was and that my life was a disaster at the moment.
“Are you hungry? Do you want to get some breakfast?” Brian murmured as he stroked my back and ran his fingers through my hair.
“Mmmm hmmm,” I nodded against his chest without opening my eyes.
“Then you go get ready and we’ll get out of this room for a bit, okay?” he said.
“Okay,” I mumbled. I was warm and drowsy against his chest, but my stomach was rumbling, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I’d be so hungry I’d want one of everything on the menu. Brian slowly lifted me off of him and helped me stand, then gently pushed me toward the bedroom.
“Go get dressed. I’m starving!” he laughed as I fake stumbled toward the bedroom.
“I’m not sure I like the way you push me around, sailor,” I grumbled as I made a show of how much energy it took to get ready.
“You are such a drama queen!” he laughed harder as I shot him a dirty look and went to put on some clothes.
I pulled on my jeans and a T-shirt and pulled a brush though my messy hair, gathering it up into a loose ponytail before dusting my cheeks with a bit of blush and sweeping a layer of mascara on my lashes. I looked passable for breakfast, but the dark circles under my eyes made me look bruised, and I looked away as I remembered a time when those bruises kept me from going to class or seeing my friends.
“Not again,” I whispered to my reflection. “You are safe.”
“Did you say something?” Brian called from the other room.
“No, it must have been the television,” I called back as I dabbed a little concealer under my eyes.
“Are you about ready?” he asked as I emerged from the bedroom. “Whoa! You sure do clean up nice!”
“Whatever,” I said as I rolled my eyes. I looked a mess and I knew it, but it was nice of him to try and make me feel better.
“I’m serious,” he said as he crossed the room and pulled me back into his arms. “You look beautiful.”
“Don’t flatter me, I’m a hot mess,” I laughed as I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked up into the steel blue eyes that held my gaze.
“Yeah, but you’re a beautiful hot mess,” he whispered as he leaned down and softly kissed my lips. “And don’t you ever forget that.”
I closed my eyes as I returned his kiss and wished that we could remain like this forever.
Brian kissed my forehead before he let go, and began to unwind all of the security setups he’d put in place the night before. It was amazing how much he’d been able to do with the few tools he’d had available. He’d not only wedged a chair under the door handle, he’d also stacked several glasses from the bathroom next to the door so that they’d tip over and make noise if someone tried to enter while we were asleep. Between the curtains and the sheers on the windows, he’d hung several of the heavy metal coat hangers. If anyone had tried to get in, they would have made a racket.
“You’re pretty inventive,” I commented.
“Well, I had to work with what I had,” he replied as he moved things around and set up the system for while we were gone.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I want to make sure that if Dominic tries to break in, he won’t have an easy time,” Brian answered. “I also want to make sure that I’ll know exactly what went on in here if someone breaks in and then leaves.”
“A little paranoid, are you?” I laughed nervously.
“I’m surprised you’re not,” he said seriously.
I looked at the floor and said nothing. I was scared that Dominic had already done something to make sure he knew my every move. He’d done it before. Remembering how he’d bugged even the bathroom in our apartment and then used the smallest infraction to give him cause to beat me made me shudder.
“You okay?” Brian asked with a concerned look on his face.
“Yeah, just…” I trailed off. I didn’t want to drag him any further into this mess, but I felt like maybe I should tell him everything in order to ensure that we both remained safe.
“Just what?” he asked quietly.
“Just bad memories,” I replied distractedly. Telling Brian about Dominic’s experience with surveillance could wait until we had something to eat. “Let’s go get some breakfast, okay?”
“Alright, let’s go,” he replied warily. I knew he didn’t believe me and that he was waiting for the right moment to ask the questions that would give him a better sense of what was going on, but right now, I was too hungry to worry about it, so I smiled and headed toward the door.
On the way down to breakfast, Brian resumed his eagle-eye scanning habit and gave every person that passed us the once-over. I wanted to tell him to chill out, but somehow it didn’t seem like he would find any humor in it, so I kept quiet and walked toward the restaurant. We’d decided not to leave the hotel, but rather to have breakfast downstairs in the relative safety of the hotel.
Brian chose a table in the back where he could monitor the comings and goings of everyone. I didn’t care what he did, I just wanted waffles.
I ordered a big breakfast and then sat back and watched Brian watching people. I wondered what was going through his mind as his eyes scanned every person entering and exiting the restaurant.
“You must get tired,” I said.
“Huh?” he gave me a confused look.
“You must get really tired using your eyes as tracking devices,” I repeated.
“Don’t start hassling me, Ava,” he warned.
“I’m not hassling you,” I replied. “I’m just making an observation. There’s a big difference.”
“In semantics,” he said with a warning note in his voice.
“No, it’s not just semantics,” I shot back. “It’s an observation about the fact that you are scanning faster than a grocery store checker, and I thought it must be tiring to always be scanning everything.”
“I don’t even notice I’m doing it,” he replied. “It’s just part of who I am.”
“Still,” I said.
“Still, what? Dammit, Ava!” He raised his voice in irritation.
“Don’t get irritated with me,” I warned. “I’m tired of all of this cloak and dagger crap.”
“Lest you forget, this cloak and dagger crap is all about protecting you,” he hissed.
“I did not ask you to —”
“Are you ready for a big Belgian waffle with strawberries?” chirped the waitress as she began to set plates in front of us. Brian and I lapsed into a polite silence during which we only spoke to the waitress. She
giggled nervously as she asked if there was anything else we needed, and when we both replied that we were fine, she slipped out of sight and left us to eat our meal.
I said nothing as I smeared butter on my waffle and then covered it in a thick pool of syrup. Brian cut up his eggs, mixed them with the potatoes and then poured catsup over the entire mix. I tried not to roll my eyes as I watched him scoop up a forkful of the mess and shove it in his mouth. He continued scanning the restaurant as we ate, once stopping his fork in midair as he closely watched a man who was paying his bill at the register.
“Let it go,” I hissed through a mouthful of waffle and strawberries. “Just eat your damn breakfast!”
Brian shot me a look that clearly indicated I was to shut the hell up. I ate my breakfast, but the longer we sat in silence, the angrier I got. I didn’t ask to be cleared out of my dorm room! I didn’t ask to be sequestered in a stupid hotel far, far away from my friends and classes! I didn’t ask to be stuck in the middle of a psychotic ex-boyfriend and the bodyguard assigned to protect me! I didn’t ask for any of this!
Suddenly, I felt incredibly sorry for myself. All of this was a mess that I had never wanted nor asked for, and now my life was being ruined by a man who had left me with nothing but a host of invisible wounds. I needed to take control of the situation and get myself out of this mess, not rely on a guy who was clearly in over his head, and was overwhelmed by the task.
“Brian?” I ventured.
“What?” he said in a short manner, not looking at me.
“I want to go back to the dorm,” I said.
“What the hell is wrong with you, Ava?” he demanded.
“Don’t you yell at me!” I cried. “I’m sick and tired of you making all of the decisions and I’m sick and tired of letting that psycho rule my life!”
“Me making all the decisions? Me?” Brian raised his voice as he pounded a fist on the table, making the plates jump and causing the other guests to look over at us. He raised a hand in apology and leaned back in his chair.