by E. L. Todd
Slade sat beside me on the couch. “Open it.”
I held it in my hands, unable to tear the envelope. “I’m scared…”
“Dude, if you got into Stanford, one of the most competitive schools in the world, then you definitely got into New York. It wouldn’t make any sense if you didn’t.”
“But nothing is guaranteed.”
“Stop being a pussy and just open it.”
I sighed while I stared at the envelope.
Slade rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t matter what that letter says. We’ll find a way to make everything work.” He clapped my back. “Now do it.”
I’d wasted an hour sitting on that couch staring at that envelope. It was time to face the music. I ripped the seal then tore out the paper. Slade leaned over me, reading through the lines at the same time. By the third sentence, I learned my fate.
We regret to inform you…
Fuck.
I read it again just to make sure. Then I dropped it on the ground, feeling my heart move into my stomach.
Slade moved back to his side of the couch, his face resting in his hands.
It was a horrible blow and we both knew it.
“You weren’t even on the waitlist?” Slade asked incredulously.
I shrugged, too broken to speak.
“That makes no fucking sense.”
It didn’t matter if it did. Getting upset wouldn’t change anything. “Now what am I going to do…?”
Slade rubbed his temple. “What schools did you get into?”
“Stanford, USC, Florida, and Idaho.”
“Idaho?” he snapped. “Why the hell would you apply there? I bet the only thing they have is corn.”
I wasn’t in the mood for jokes.
Slade caught on. “Florida isn’t that far away…”
“It’s a seventeen hour drive,” I spat. “Yes, it’s too far away.”
“What about Idaho?” he asked.
I gave him an incredulous look. “Do you even know where Idaho is?”
He shrugged. “By Iowa…?”
“No, it’s right by Oregon. It’s even further away.”
“Oh. Whoops…”
“Fuck.” I clenched my hands into fists and tried not to have a break down.
Slade tried to make me feel better. “Dude, it’ll be alright. Let’s just make a new plan. You can work at the shop with me. I’ll give you something to do.”
I knew he was just trying to help so I stopped myself from snapping. “I don’t want to work in a tattoo parlor. I want to go to medical school. I’ve been working toward it my entire life.”
“Okay…maybe you could volunteer in a hospital for year…get more experience.”
“I have plenty of it.”
“Well, maybe you could take another class or something.”
I was done with school. I paid my dues.
“Or you could just work in a lab or something, doing something commercial.”
I didn’t want to do that either.
“Cayson, I know this is hard but you need to work with me on this…I’m trying to make a bad situation into a bearable one.”
I sighed. “I’m sorry. This is just…not what I wanted.”
“I know, man.” He clapped my shoulder. “I know.”
Why was this happening to me?
“You could still go to Stanford and do a long distance relationship…”
“No,” I said firmly.
“You haven’t even talked to Skye about it. How do you know how she’ll feel?”
“I just do. I don’t need to ask.” I gave him a firm look. “You better not say a word of this to Trinity. I mean it.”
Slade gave me a pissed look. “Really? Do you need to remind me? Bros before ho’s, right?”
“Just keep my secret.”
“I will.”
Facing the truth was painful. I’d have to sacrifice a year to be with Skye. I’d apply again, but if I didn’t get in a second time, I was sealing my fate. I’d have to go to a nearby state or city and commute to her. But it was still better than being on the opposite end of the country. And if that didn’t work out, any chance I had of being a doctor was gone.
“What are you going to tell her?” Slade asked.
“What do you mean?” I whispered.
“She’s going to want to know why you aren’t going to school. What will you tell her?”
I shrugged. “I’ll say I didn’t get in anywhere.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “And you expect that genius to believe you? That you didn’t get in anywhere? Dude, she’s not going to buy that.”
“Well, if I tell her the truth, she’ll make me go.”
“Say you’re on the waitlist or something,” Slade suggested. “That would be more believable. Like, really far on the wait list so she knows you won’t be going anywhere.”
“I guess that would be better.”
“It’s still a risk…if you told me I wouldn’t believe you.”
“And that’s saying something,” I jabbed.
Slade let the comment go.
I turned to him, feeling helpless. “What would you do?”
“You already asked me this.”
“I need to hear it again.”
He sighed. “I’d choose Trinity.”
Then I could do this.
“But you and Skye are meant for each other. I honestly think you could survive a long-distance relationship. If anyone can make it work, it’s you two.”
“But it’s not for a few months or a year. It’s a huge chunk of time,” I argued. “We’ll grow apart and cause more problems.”
“Then I don’t know what else to say…it looks like you aren’t going to medical school this year.”
“And maybe not even next,” I said bitterly.
Slade eyed me curiously.
“If I didn’t get into New York this year, why would I get in next year?” I asked. “I’ll get rejected again.”
“You don’t know that…”
“I do. I’ll apply to schools nearby this time. I should have applied to more but I did my applications before we were together. I never thought I’d have this problem.”
He rubbed my shoulder. “It’ll be okay, man. Just remember why you’re doing this. Maybe that will make you feel better.”
I hated the fact I was giving up my dream. But when I remembered what I was sacrificing it for, it calmed me. I pictured Skye in a wedding dress, holding my future children in her arms, and the long years we’d spend together. I was lucky enough to find someone I cherished so much. It would be stupid not to hold onto that. “You’re right. Thanks…”
“Anytime, man. I know this is going to be a hard time for you. Just know I’m always here, okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah…”
Slade and I sat side-by-side, having nothing more to say. The darkness crept into the room but neither one of us turned on a light. We sat in silence, letting it envelope us. Slade never moved or left my side. Like a silent companion, he carried the weight with me, knowing I couldn’t do it alone.
***
I tried not to act depressed but Skye, who was in tune with my every thought and emotion, was catching on.
“Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?” She eyed me suspiciously, like she thought I was lying to her every time I said I was fine.
“I’m just tired,” I lied. I looked down at my textbook and avoided eye contact.
She wasn’t buying it. “Are you stressed about finals?”
That was a good excuse. “Yeah…my analytical chemistry class is a lot to take in.”
“Well, I could help you,” she offered. “Well, I could try…”
I smiled for the first time in days. “It’s okay, baby. I’ll be fine.”
“I wish I could cheer you up…” There was a twinkle in her eye.
She’d been rocking my world all week because she thought she was chasing away my stress. Little did she know she was battling my depression, re
minding me why I made this decision to choose her over my future to begin with. It worked at the time, focusing my thoughts on her and what we did best when we were in bed, but when we were finished the pain returned.
“Maybe later,” I said vaguely.
She seemed to catch something in my voice because her eyes narrowed. “Cayson, are you sure there’s nothing else?”
“Yes.” I gave her a firm look. “Now get back to studying. We got a lot to do.”
***
Graduation was coming and everyone was growing excited. Conrad tried to be happy for us, but he was just moody. He had a year left to go until he was done wit his undergraduate degree. Silke was behind by a semester and she was forced to continue in the fall. Roland was dropping out of college at the end of this term. I think that was the real reason Conrad was such unpleasant company.
Skye came over after she grabbed her gown. “Look, I’m graduating with honors.”
I smiled then hugged her. “Congratulations, baby.”
“I worked so hard for this. I can’t wait to throw my hat in the air and be done forever.”
“Me too.”
“Well, you got like twenty years of school left to go,” she said with a laugh. “Where’s your gown?”
I pulled it out of the closet. “Looks like we’re both graduating with honors.”
She smiled then felt the gold chord in her hand. “Sexy but geeky at the same time. That’s hot.”
“You’re geeky too,” I countered.
“Which is why you’re so hot for me.”
I chuckled. “It’s one of the many reasons.”
She hung her gown over the back of a chair at the kitchen table. “Where are you going to medical school anyway? You haven’t mentioned anything to me.”
I knew this conversation would happen soon. With graduation approaching, it was bound to come up. I was surprised I evaded the topic for as long as I had. “Nowhere.” I said it plainly and tried not to get emotional about it. I wanted her to know I was okay with the situation.
She stared at me like she hadn’t heard me. “Huh?”
“I didn’t get in anywhere…” I felt awkward lying to her. I hoped she would mistake my hesitance for shame.
She was completely flabbergasted. “Are you sure?”
I nodded.
“Did you read the letter right?”
“Yes, Skye.” I put my hands in my pockets and looked at the ground.
“I just…I find that hard to believe. No, actually, I find that impossible to believe. How could they reject a Harvard graduate with a perfect GPA? Something isn’t adding up…”
“I was waitlisted for a few schools, but my name is in the hundreds…so I’m certain it’s not going to happen.”
Profound sadness came over her face. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. She covered her mouth for a second before she lowered her hand. Then she came to me and buried her face in my chest. “I’m so sorry…”
I held her close to me. “Baby, it’s okay. I’ll apply again next year.”
“But you worked so hard…I know this is your dream. It’s what you were born to do.”
I took a deep breath and continued to hold her. “Sometimes things don’t work out the way you thought.” Having her in my arms reminded me I made the right decision. I could deal with letting my dream go. But I couldn’t let her go. “It’ll be alright.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’ll work in a lab and apply again next year.” I kept my voice light and positive. “It’s really not a big deal.”
“I just…I feel terrible. I was so insensitive. I just assumed you were going to New York…”
“You weren’t being insensitive,” I whispered. “Don’t blame yourself.”
She pulled away from my chest and looked at me with remorseful eyes. “This isn’t fair. You don’t deserve this.”
I cupped her face, staring at her perfect features. “But I deserve this. And that’s enough for me.” I kissed her gently, loving the fact I’d be doing it for the rest of my life. As long as I focused on that, I would be okay.
***
“Did she buy it?” Slade asked as he dribbled the ball.
I nodded. “Yeah, she did.”
“You okay, man?” He held the ball for a second while he stared at me.
“I will be—in time.”
“It’s not too late to change your mind.”
“No, I made the right decision. I don’t have any regrets.”
He dribbled the ball then made the shot. “Everything will be okay. Just be patient. You’ll apply again next year and get in. You’ll only be a year behind.”
“Yeah, that’s true.”
“So, you’ll get to keep Skye and your dream—at the same time.” He passed me the ball. “Just stay positive.”
“That’s what I have you for.” I dribbled the ball the made the shot.
“I just can’t believe she actually believed you. Geez, she’s dumb.”
I glared at him. “No, she isn’t. She just knows I would never lie to her so she doesn’t question what I say.”
“Sounds like you brainwashed her…”
I grabbed the ball then passed it to him with more force than I usually would.
He caught it. “Someone’s fired up.”
“Don’t call my girl stupid.”
“Well, she is.”
“What if I said Trinity was stupid?” I challenged.
“She is,” he said immediately. “I tell her every day.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Speaking of the woman I love, guess who showed up on her doorstep last week.”
‘The Easter bunny.”
He gave me a glare then moved on. “That asshole, Reid.”
“You mean, that nice guy that went out with her a few times?”
“Asshole,” he corrected.
“What did he want?”
“To see if she was okay. I guess he found out about the accident recently.”
“Wow…he really is an asshole,” I said sarcastically.
“Well, she’s mine now. He has no business talking to her anymore.”
I made another shot then fetched the ball. “It sounded like he just wanted to check on her, not start things up again.”
“You weren’t there,” he hissed. “He was eye-fucking her the whole time.”
“Are you sure he wasn’t just checking her leg?”
Slade clenched his jaw then ignored my last comment. “What do you know?”
I let him brood in silence while we finished the game. When we were both tired, and I won, we headed home. Slade was still annoyed by my comment but I didn’t try to make amends. He was too possessive of Trinity sometimes. I admit there were times when I saw Skye talking to other guys, but I always kept my distance and tried not to get jealous. It was something I had to practice every day.
When I got to my apartment, my phone rang.
It was my dad.
“Hey, old man.”
“Hey, Cayson. How goes it?”
“Fine,” I said. “Just got back from playing basketball with Slade.”
“Cool. You kids have fun?”
“We aren’t kids anymore, Dad.”
“Just answer my question.”
“Yeah, it was cool,” I said. “Any reason why you’re calling?”
“Well, graduation is just around the corner…and you haven’t filled me in on what’s next for you.”
I knew what he was really asking. “Dad, I’m not going to medical school next year.”
“What? Why?” he demanded.
“I didn’t get in anywhere.” It was hard lying to Skye but I could do it because I was protecting our relationship. But lying to my dad like this felt horrible.
“I thought you said you got into Idaho?”
“Well, I did. But I’m on the waitlist.”
“What number?” he asked.
“Uh…two hundred and twenty nine.
” Was that even believable?
He was quiet for a moment. “Are you sure that’s right? I just find it hard to believe you have nowhere to attend next year.”
“Sorry, Dad. It’s the truth.”
“What about Stanford? Did they reject you too?”
“Yes,” I said as I cringed.
He sighed into the phone. “I just can’t believe it…”
“I’m sorry, Dad.”
“Cayson, don’t apologize. I’m not disappointed in you. I’m just…shocked. What are the odds a Harvard graduate would be rejected from a school in Idaho?” He was incredulous. “I guess I can believe Stanford but…the others…not so much.”
I didn’t know what else to say so I stayed silent.
“Well, then what’s your plan?”
“I’ll find a job in the city then I’ll apply again next year.”
He sighed. “I’m so sorry, kid. I wish I were there to make you feel better…”
Kill me now. “Dad, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”
“I know it’s been your dream since you were little. I remember when you used to play with a plastic stethoscope and listen to my heartbeat when you were five. It’s like it just happened yesterday…”
Was he trying to torture me? “Dad, I’ll apply again next year. It’s not the end of the world.”
“I know it isn’t,” he said firmly. “I’m so proud of you for everything you’ve achieved. Your mother and I brag about you to total strangers. I just hate knowing you’re in pain over this…”
“I’m really not. Seriously, don’t stress about it.”
“Well, you’re welcome to live with us until you get back on your feet. Your mother and I would love to have you. Actually, we might not let you leave.” He laughed at the end.
“I appreciate the offer but I’ll find an apartment somewhere.”
“Alright, kid. The offer is always on the table.”
“I know. I should get going, Dad.” I couldn’t stand to talk to him for a moment longer.
“Okay. I love you, Son—no matter what.”
“I love you too, Dad.”
“Bye.”
I hung up, unable to hear his sadness a moment longer.
Chapter Eight
Slade
Keeping Cayson’s secret was hard. I never understood how difficult it was to keep information to yourself when you gave your heart to someone else. I just wanted to break down and tell her what was going on. But I knew Trinity. If it affected her best friend, she would betray me and tell her in a heartbeat. And I couldn’t betray my best friend.