by Melody Grace
She sees my stricken expression and softens. “I’m not trying to be a bitch, I just want you to see the big picture. Blake’s spent years working his way up, and now he’s right on the edge of having everything he’s ever wanted. But there’s a reason famous actors seem to date someone new every week: it’s hard to keep a real relationship going when everything around you is all for show. If I was him, I wouldn’t let anything stand in my way,” Lila adds, and I see that steely determination in her eyes again.
“Not even love?” I ask, hating the plaintive note in my voice.
Lila shakes her head. “Not even love.”
I feel that fear rise up in my chest again. I get to my feet. “All set?” I ask, needing some air.
She nods. “Sure, tell Dash I’ll see him out there.”
“OK.”
I hurry from the trailer, my head spinning. I wish I could just write off what Lila said as being the product of her own bitter experience, but the truth is, I recognize the determination shining in her eyes. I’ve seen that look on Blake’s face when he’s talking about some new role or moment in a scene: total dedication to his craft and dreams.
Just how far will he go for his ambition? And will there be any room left for me?
For us?
A cab pulls up by the sidewalk, and I see Blake get out. He’s got a duffel bag hoisted over his shoulder, but he drops it to the ground when he sees me: hurrying over and sweeping me up in a bear hug.
“I got it!” he exclaims, beaming. “I talked him round and got the job, just like you said.”
My nerves melt away under excitement for him. “That’s amazing!” I cry, holding on tight as he spins me around.
Blake sets me down. “Man, I’m still buzzing, I don’t think I’ve slept a wink,” he says, energy radiating from his body. “I ran into him in the hotel lobby. He didn’t recognize me at first, I thought he was going have security throw me out, but then everything worked out OK. We really connected,” he continues, “wound up grabbing dinner, just talking all evening about the movie, and the role, everything. He called my agent right away, made an official offer. I’m in!”
“I’m so happy for you.” I smile, proud. “I knew you could do it.”
“The schedule’s tight,” Blake adds, staring to walk towards the trailers. “But we’ll make it work. As soon as we wrap here, I’m on a plane. Three months shooting in Australia and Europe, I have to start training with the stunt guys, get the script locked down…”
Blake keeps talking, pumped up, but his words hit me like a ton of bricks.
He’s leaving for three months?
I stop walking, but Blake doesn’t notice. He’s still striding ahead, talking about all his big plans—on the other side of the world.
Away from me.
And suddenly, my worst fears come flooding to the surface. I realize nothing’s changed. I’m still the girl dreaming of a man who’s out of reach; and he’s still the guy with his eyes on the horizon, ignoring what’s standing right in front of him.
And just like that, I feel like a teenager again: all my big hopes dissolving into nothing, like the last time this happened.
Graduation day.
23.
Three years ago…
“Congratulations!”
The cheers ring out as a hundred black caps swoop up into the sky and rain down on the graduating class of Ridgecrest School.
“Can you believe it?” Tegan cries, smothering me in a hug. “We made it!”
I hug her back, laughing. I can’t believe it, not really. It hasn’t sunk in yet that after four years of this place, it’s all done. No more early-morning bed checks, no more boring classes, and best of all, no more stuck up bitches and their power plays.
High school is over. I’m finally free.
The sky is blue over the front quad as the class disperses, heading to greet the family and friends all lined up on neat rows of folding chairs facing the stage. Tegan links her arm through mine and crushes her diploma carelessly in her free hand.
“Hey, you’ll want to frame that.” I take it from her and smooth it out.
Tegan snorts. “Please, it’s just a fake thing. I don’t know why they have these ceremonies for high school, this gown is making me itch. Nobody cares.”
I give her a look. “Your brothers care,” I tell her. “And once you break it to them that you’re going to get into the music industry instead of going to college, this will be the only diploma they’ll ever get.”
“Good point.” Tegan grins. She waves across the lawn, and I see the whole Callahan crew together, dressed up for a change in smart pants and button-down shirts. Ash is on his cellphone, as always, but Dex and Blake are already fending off flirty glances from every girl on the quad.
I don’t blame them. In a sea of parents and bratty younger siblings, Dex’s rock star tattoos and Blake’s blonde charm stand out a mile.
Blake.
My stomach does a nervous flutter, even seeing him from a distance. I spent an extra hour trying to tame my flyaway curls this morning, knowing I would be seeing him again.
Maybe this time, the voice whispers. Maybe this time, he’ll take one look at you and realize what he’s been missing all this time is right in front of him. Maybe now that you’re eighteen, maybe now that you’ve graduated—
I cut off my hopeful thoughts before they’re written all over my face.
“It’s great they could all make it,” I say evenly.
Tegan smirks, watching the girls try to casually strike up conversation with her brothers. “I can’t take them anywhere,” she says affectionately.
I drag my eyes away from Blake and try to ignore the flutter in my stomach. Lord, he looks good today.
“When are you going to tell them?” I ask, turning back to her.
Tegan makes a face. “Not right away. I figure the Connor issue is more important.”
My good mood fades a little at the mention of her boyfriend. Connor is one of Dex’s band-mates, and the love of Tegan’s life. They’ve been sneaking around all year now, but she’s determined to finally come clean now that she’s eighteen. I want to be happy for her, but something about that guy just doesn’t sit right with me.
“Is he in town for this?” I ask, trying to keep my tone supportive.
“No, he’s still back in LA,” Tegan pouts. “It would have been too weird to explain why he wanted to come. But we’re going to tell everyone soon,” she adds, brightening again. “And then we can be together all the time. Especially if I’m touring with the band.”
“I can’t believe they’re getting played on the radio now,” I laugh. “It’s so weird to turn it on and hear Dex’s voice come out!”
“Don’t tell him that.” Tegan rolls her eyes. “His ego is already too big. I’m surprised he didn’t have to check it as excess baggage on the flight.”
I laugh, looking around. Now that this is our last day on campus, I feel a strange swell of affection for the place: the red-brick buildings glowing in the afternoon sun, the trees shading the spot where Tegan and I would always eat our lunch.
“Uh oh,” Tegan says. “I know that look. Don’t tell me you’re getting soft.”
“No!” I protest, “It’s just…the end of an era, you know?”
“And the start of an awesome new chapter!” she declares. “You and me in LA, me working at Dex’s management company, and you… Doing whatever it is you choose to do. Which is…?” she nudges me.
“Don’t you start too. My parents are bad enough,” I laugh. “They keep sending me articles about how skipping college will ruin the rest of my life. The way they say it, I’ll wind up a drug addict in the gutter, just because I’m not going to the Ivy League.”
“Don’t listen to them,” Tegan insists. “You’ll be great. We both will. After all, we made it through this hell, the real world’s going to be a breeze!”
We say goodbye for now, and then I go hunt for my parents. They planned a big
dinner for me at my favorite restaurant in town, but I’m bracing myself for more lectures about my future plans. They can’t understand why I didn’t apply for colleges, and even though I’ve tried explaining a hundred times, they still don’t get it.
Maybe it would be easier if I had an alternative to pitch them, like Tegan. She’s practically an honorary tour manager for Dex’s band already, so it’s not a big stretch for her to want to go into the industry right away. But me? I have no idea what I want to do in life. My grades are good enough if I wanted to apply to school, but every time I look at a course catalogue, something inside me clenches up with anxiety. I just know that I can’t sign up for another four years of classes and dorms, and feeling trapped with a bunch of strangers and all their petty cliques—and all the pressure of grades too. The past four years, I’ve focused on making it through; now, I want to actually figure out who I am and what I want beyond simply “surviving.”
I find my mom under the archway of the East Wing, immaculately dressed in a cream shift dress and heels. “There you are, sweetheart,” she smiles, reaching out to grip my arms. “Look at you, you were so great up there. My baby girl’s all grown up!”
“I shook the headmaster’s hand, it wasn’t exactly hard,” I smile, ducking out of her embrace. “Where’s dad?” I look around. “Are you guys ready? I’m all packed up, but I want you to come meet Tegan and her family. I thought maybe we could invite them to dinner tonight?”
“That sounds great, but here’s the thing…” Mom pauses, and that’s when I see Dad over in the parking lot, pacing back and forth as he talks on his cell. He’s got his work face on, all frowning and determined.
My heart sinks. “We’re not staying for dinner,” I state.
“I’m sorry, but they need him in D.C,” Mom gives me an apologetic look. “Trade negotiations just hit a wall, and you know he’s got a direct line to the Commerce Minister in—”
“It’s fine,” I cut her off sharply. “I get it.”
“But you should stay,” Mom urges, “celebrate with your friends! I can have someone pick up your things for you.”
“But I wanted you to meet them,” I say, feeling small. I know that there’s big international politics that needs to be handled, but just once, I wanted to feel like I was the most important thing in their lives. “Couldn’t you stay? We could go meet Dad tomorrow.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I have to go. You know he needs me.”
Maybe I need you too.
I bite back my reply. Mom has spent twenty years trailing my dad around the world. Sure, she has important jobs too, but he’s always the one calling the shots; his career controlling when they uproot and move on. I’ve always wondered if this is the life she’d choose for herself, if he wasn’t calling the shots, but there’s no point in asking. They’ve become a well-oiled machine together, hosting dinner parties and solving diplomatic incidents around the world.
While I’m left right here, alone.
“We’ll see you back in the city,” Mom adds. “It won’t take long. A couple of days at most. Then we can all sit down together and talk about your future.”
“Mom…” I start in a warning voice.
She smiles. “You know who I talked to last night? Your godmother, Sylvie. We were roommates in college, you know,” she adds. “She lives in Paris now, she married a French artist. She was always the glamorous one.” Mom gives a nostalgic smile, and I brace myself for another speech about how college is where you make the friends that last a lifetime.
But instead, she surprises me. “Sylvia would love to see you. She offered to have you stay with her for a visit if you wanted to travel. Your father and I would be happy to pay for the trip, a graduation present.”
I blink. “That’s…really nice, mom. But I’m moving to LA with Tegan, you know that.”
Mom sighs. “I know, it’s just…” She stops herself. “We can talk about it later with your father. Just think about it, OK sweetheart?”
My father is waving over from by the car. “Come say goodbye.” Mom links her arm through mine. “Then we’ll get out of your hair and let you have some fun!”
*
After my parents take off, Tegan insists on me joining up with her family for dinner, so I take a cab into town and meet them at the restaurant.
“Thank God you’re here.” Tegan grabs me as soon as I step inside. She hustles me to the ladies room. “We need a strategy, Ash is trying to put his foot down about us moving to LA.”
“Why? I thought he’d be happy to have you back home.” I nervously check the mirror, smoothing down my dress, a simple black sheath I hope makes me look older than eighteen. I haven’t seen Blake since Christmas vacation, and I want to look my best.
“He’s less happy about the whole ‘go on tour with a rock band’ part,” Tegan says breezily, touching up her lipgloss. Her phone buzzes with a new call. She looks at the display and lights up. “Connor! You mind if I take this?” she whispers to me. “You go on ahead, I’ll be right there. Just say it’s women’s problems, or something like that.”
I laugh. “They’ve raised you for years, you can’t get away with that.”
“Please.” Tegan smirks. “It never gets old.”
I leave her murmuring sweet nothings to Connor in the bathroom and make my way back out into the restaurant. It’s a cool Moroccan spot, with vibrant furniture and cool Middle Eastern statues decorating the space. The Callahans booked the private back room for dinner, which is divided from the main room with sweeping velvet drapes.
I approach, feeling another kick of excitement. I wonder how Blake is doing. Tegan fills me in on his Hollywood adventures, but I can’t quiz her about him without raising suspicion. I wonder, is he dating someone new? Might I finally have a chance this time?
I would never admit it to anyone, but I’ve been secretly harboring a fantasy all these months. That Blake’s had feelings for me too—but he’s been waiting for graduation before saying anything. He kissed me, after all, in that diner parking lot all those years ago. It had to mean something.
It had to.
And now here I am: eighteen years old, and finally out of school. If something real was ever going to happen between us, it would be now.
Maybe even tonight.
I take a breath, pausing before I push back the drapes and go say hi. But before I can take another step, I hear Blake’s voice talking on the other side.
“Remember to be nice to Zoey, her parents ditched out on her.”
I pause, hidden out of sight.
“Not too nice,” a dry voice says. Ash.
“What do you mean?” Blake asks.
“Aww, c’mon.” I recognize Dex’s throaty voice, scratchy from all his hours singing in the studio. “You know she worships the ground you walk on.”
I freeze, my heart pounding in my ears. I know I should leave, or loudly announce my arrival, but I can’t help leaning closer to listen to the rest of the conversation.
“It’s not like that,” Blake laughs dismissively. “She’s a cool kid, that’s all.”
A kid?
I feel sick, humiliated, my face burning red with shame and embarrassment.
“Just don’t go getting ideas,” Ash tells him.
“Me and Zoey?” Blake’s voice is amused. “No way. We’re just friends.”
“You’re blind, bro,” Dex chuckles. “But hey, whatever you say. Just don’t go getting ideas now that she’s all grown up.”
“What do you take me for?” Blake protests. “Dude. Anyway, you know I’ve got my plate full back in LA. Those women know what they’re doing.”
There’s laughter, and every sound feels like a judgment.
I bite back the humiliated tears flooding my eyes.
What the hell was I thinking? Of course Blake wasn’t going to suddenly reveal he’s been hopelessly in love with me. I don’t even cross his mind—except as some cool kid friend of his sister’s. All these nights I’ve sp
un fairytale fantasies about our first date, our first real kiss… I couldn’t have been more stupid.
I’m invisible to him. Graduating and moving to LA won’t make any difference. In fact, I realize with growing horror, it’s only going to make it worse. I’ll be seeing him all the time—with his girlfriends. Those real women who know what they’re doing.
Who wouldn’t pick a girl like that over me? I’ve never had a real boyfriend, never been on a date, or done anything interesting in my life at all.
It strikes me just how right Blake really is. I am a kid. And I’ve spent too long building all my daydreams around him when there’s a whole world out there to discover.
I suddenly realize I’m still loitering behind the curtain. I clear my throat loudly and draw the drapes aside. “Hey guys!” I say brightly, like my heart isn’t beating wounded and bruised in my chest. “Who’s ready to eat? I’m starving!”
I slide into a seat and say hi to everyone, but inside, my mind is racing.
“Happy graduation.” Blake smiles at me from across the table. “See, I told you that you’d make it.”
“Just about,” I answer faintly, looking away from him before that gorgeous face can enchant me all over again. Soon, Tegan joins us, loudly chatting about who didn’t get into what college and what we’re going to do on tour with Dex this summer. I nod along, pretending everything’s OK, but inside, I feel a hollow ache.
Not the longing I’ve carried around with me for so long; the weight of my crush on Blake, but finally, its absence.
No more.
I force myself to look at him now across the table, to take in his blue eyes and that mischievous grin. And I force myself to let him go—to let go of the hopeful delusion that there’s anything more than casual brotherly affection in that smile, any feelings beyond genuine friendship lurking beneath the surface.
He laughs at some joke from Dex, still as oblivious to my feelings as the day we met.
Maybe that’s a good thing.
At least now there’ll be no awkwardness between us. I can move on for good: focus on living my life for me now. Let him go, and figure out who I am, and where I belong in the world.