by Marie James
I don’t fight him as he touches me, sweeping his arms under mine and effortlessly lifting me from the cold water. My teeth are chattering as he wraps a fluffy towel around my back. I cling to the fabric, holding it to my heaving chest like a shield capable of protecting me from all the bad things that could happen.
“Did you guys call the police to come get me?”
Kai lifts my chin with the bend of his knuckle until my head is raised enough to look him directly in the eyes. “The Ravens Ruin doesn’t call the police.”
I nod in understanding, realizing I should’ve known that. They have a way of getting their own justice. TJ proved that more than once when he had to pull me from those frat houses. I can’t even focus on what may happen now that I’ve committed the ultimate sin. Will they punish me for my misdeeds like they did the men who took advantage of me?
“Arms up,” Kai urges as he unwraps the towel from around me and dries my body. Once he’s satisfied, I let him dress me in the same t-shirt and sweats that I wore over here. Once again, I lift the fabric to my nose in an attempt to feel closer to TJ. Even in his absence, his scent lingers, and the familiarity assists in calming my nerves slightly.
“Where are we going?” I manage to ask when Kai guides me out into the hallway.
“Back to the clubhouse,” Kai answers as we crest the top of the stairs.
“That’s going to complicate things for them.”
“It’s where you belong,” Kai assures me as he guides me down the stairs.
“Everyone in my family is dead,” I mumble absently, watching my feet as we descend.
“We’re your family,” Kai whispers as he pulls me closer.
My masochistic personality shines bright when we make it to the foyer because I can’t resist looking back into the living room, needing to see the reality of what I’ve done one last time. Only, my father isn’t lying at an odd angle against the heavy, wood coffee table where I left him to scramble upstairs.
His lifeless body is strung up by a thick rope from the exposed beam running the length of the room. His eyes are still open and hauntingly empty. I can’t seem to look away from the scene clearly recreated to tell a different story than the one I left behind a couple of hours ago. The tipped over chair under his dangling feet, and the spilled half-empty bottle of whiskey are nice touches, but deep down, I know it won’t work. I’ve binged way too much on police procedural shows to let myself believe I’ve gotten a free pass. I don’t even know if I deserve a free pass. Two wrongs don’t make a right and all that.
Kai tucks me closer into his side and redirects me out the back door where a large, black SUV is waiting with the engine running.
“You’re going to ride with these guys, and I’m going to drive your car back,” Kai tells me as he pulls open the back door. I pull my keyring from the sweat’s pocket and hand it over to him, giving him a final pleading look, trying to tell him I don’t want him to walk away from me. The trembling renews the second he closes me inside and walks toward my car.
Lynch is behind the wheel, giving me a sympathetic look I don’t deserve, when I turn toward the front of the vehicle.
A guy I recognize from the clubhouse, but never had a conversation with, turns to watch as I settle in the back seat and pull my seatbelt across my chest. The click of the belt echoes inside the vehicle, and I suddenly feel as if I’m on display with both sets of eyes watching me, waiting for me to lose it.
“Sorry about your dad,” the passenger says.
“He wasn’t my dad.”
My eyes burn with unshed tears, the embarrassment of being emotional over a man who never cared about me forcing me to look away. The dreary rain that has moved in fits my mood perfectly. I don’t bother to look back at the home I grew up in as we head down the long drive and out of the swanky neighborhood. I’d never felt whole here anyway, and I doubt I’ll ever step foot back on the property.
There are no stops or detours. Lynch drives us right back to the clubhouse where Xena and Zoe are waiting for me just inside the front door.
“We got her,” Xena tells Kai. Reluctantly, he releases me into their arms.
“Please no,” I murmur, trying to cling to him, unsure why I feel so protected by him, but refusing to question it right now.
“Doll.” His soft hands cup my jaw. “I’m already going to catch shit for being near you, naked in a tub. Let these girls get you cleaned up, and I’ll come back.”
I nod even though I doubt TJ will have a problem with Kai seeing me naked or watching me shower. TJ fucked me in front of the entire club after letting most the women put their mouths on me, after all.
Xena directs me back to TJ’s room and straight into the shower. Xena strips as Zoe helps me out of my clothing. I wish I could be more help, but nothing seems to be working right. Every muscle in my body is heavy, sluggish, and not responding when I urge them to move. She cleans me with economical grace, never once crossing the line into inappropriate. I’m grateful for her help. I feel mothered. It isn’t something I’m at all familiar with.
“Here,” Zoe says as I step out of the shower.
In her palm is a white, oblong pill. I know what it is immediately. “No thanks.”
“The Xanax will help you calm down,” Xena offers with a small smile when I don’t reach for it.
“I’m fine,” I assure them even though I can’t control the trembling in my limbs. I don’t deserve to be numb right now.
Once I’m dressed in TJ’s clean clothes, the girls leave, and I fall into Kai’s strong arms once again.
Chapter 40
TJ
My feet barely touch the ground when I climb off my bike and sprint through the front door of the clubhouse.
“Wait,” Lynch calls after me when I’m already halfway across the living room, arrowing toward the hallway.
I stop only because I’m frantic, and I don’t want her to freak out any more than she already is.
“She's pretty shaken up. I don’t know her well at all, but she’s been trembling like a leaf since we arrived at her parents’ house. Kai is in bed with her.” My teeth grind together so hard my jaw aches. “Don’t give me that alpha male bullshit. If anyone else got near her, she trembled like a scared Chihuahua. He’s the only one that’s been able to ease her nerves.”
My hand skates over the top of my head in frustration, and it takes everything I have not to roar out my agitation, not because Kai is comforting her, but because I wasn’t here to protect her from her piece of shit dad.
“Zoe tried to give her a Xanax, but she refused. She’s only been sleeping for about an hour.”
“What did you find at her parents’ house?” I have to ask him because I need to know and don’t plan on speaking with Kaci about it unless she wants to open up to me.
“There was a struggle from what I could tell. He fell and clocked his neck just in the right spot. It was a quick death. An honest to god freak accident from the looks of it.”
“He didn’t deserve that,” I mutter, my hands growing increasingly antsy to get to her.
“We strung him up. If we get lucky, the police will only look at the big picture. He’s been out of the political spotlight for a while according to Virus.”
“Nothing exciting happens in Newbury. Two suicides in the same family in less than three days? That’s gonna draw some attention.” Almost three, my mind chooses to remind me of how Kaci left our last conversation. I was terrified of what I was going to find when I got here, blaming the tears running down my cheeks on the high speeds my bike hit on the way home to her.
“Virus is working on something to scramble the cell tower info related to her phone. So hopefully that’ll be enough to keep them guessing.”
“Hopefully.” I turn away from him, but his arm reaches out before I can step away.
“You straight?”
“I’m good,” I lie. I won’t be able to say that with honesty until my girl is safe in my arms.
Althou
gh Lynch prepared me about what I was going to find, my blood still runs close to boiling when I open my bedroom door and find Kaci wrapped around Kai in repose. He doesn’t jolt or fly out of bed with guilty movements. He simply raises his fingers to his lips, shushing me before slowly drawing himself out from under her. With more care and concern than I thought possible for the normally flamboyant man, he eases away from Kaci without disturbing her or waking her up.
The covers are pulled all the way up, so I don’t have a damn clue what I’m going to see when they separate. Luckily for Kai, he climbs out of bed fully clothed. Even the soft fabric of his athletic shorts are flat, so he wasn’t getting aroused by her when she was in distress. I should commend him for his restraint, because even with knowing what she’s going through my cock kicks in my jeans at the mere anticipation of crawling into bed and replacing Kai in that spot.
My first instinct is still to punch him as he crosses the room, but I’d never want Kaci to suffer. If Kai in bed with her is what it took to calm her enough to go to sleep, then how can I be angry about that?
“Thanks, man,” I tell him, clapping my hand in his as soon as he’s close enough to touch.
He squeezes my shoulder, looking into my eyes, and I see her pain reflected in his. This girl has the ability to draw every single person in. It makes me even more protective of her.
“Anytime, handsome.”
The door softly clicks behind Kai as he leaves, so the only light in the room is coming from around the edges of the window blind and the tunnel of illumination from the bathroom.
As fast as I needed to get back to her, I’m torn between getting a shower and washing the highway off me and stripping naked and crawling in bed with her. I frown when a clicking noise fills the silence in the room, but once I realize it’s her teeth clacking together, my decision is made for me. She must’ve begun trembling again the moment Kai pulled away from her.
I strip out of my clothes, unconcerned that my cut lands on the floor disrespectfully. I growl in frustration when I try to push my jeans off without first removing my boots, so getting to her takes much longer than I want.
Stripped to my boxer briefs, I pull back the blanket and climb under it with her. My heart expands when she reaches for me in her sleep and presses her nose into my neck. The trembling doesn’t subside immediately, and of its own volition, my hand soothes down her back until my fingers reach the hem of her shirt. With smooth movements, my fingers ease under the fabric so I can stroke her delicate skin from the nape of her neck to the top band of the sweats she’s wearing.
She releases a ragged breath, and only then do I realize she’s shaking because she’s crying. As tears leave her eyes and skate down my neck and shoulder, I hold her tighter, whispering promises that she’s safe, and I’m never letting her go.
I don’t know how to make this better. Naturally, I want to grip her chin, insist she dry her eyes, remind her that her piece of shit dad doesn’t deserve her tears, but she’s also recently lost her mother, and she could be crying for her, for all I know. I contemplate rolling her over and eating her to so many orgasms that she has no choice but to let the endorphins take over and make her feel better, but she’s in no position to fully consent right now.
I feel impotent, unable to give her what she needs. Emotional shit isn’t my forte. At least it wasn’t until today. I won’t take it back. I won’t tell her I freaked out and overreacted with my declaration while I had her on the phone. I meant every fucking word of it. I don’t even know if she heard me say those three words I’ve never uttered to another human other than my mom and little sister before she hung up. I meant it then, and if she’s up for it, I’ll whisper them in her ear every night before bed. I’ll yell them from the tallest tree on the compound if that’s what she needs from me.
As I hold this amazing yet broken woman against my chest, I pray to a god I never believed in that this isn’t what sends her spiraling so hard that I can’t pull her back.
***
“I need to leave.” Her words crush me, but the fact that she refuses to look at me while she breaks my heart makes it ten times worse.
I stop shuffling my clothes, and silence fills the room. My arms are shaking with unused energy and the urge to go to her and remind her why she’s here to begin with. I don’t imagine it would go over very well. She hasn’t been very receptive to the attention I’ve tried to show her in the four days since the shit went down with her dad.
“Tell me what you need,” I plead against her neck. My front is lined up with her back, but she no longer sinks into the comfort of my warmth.
After she woke up that first night when I made it back to her, she’s been distant and antsy. It’s as if she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop.
She doesn’t answer me, and if I’m honest with myself, I shouldn’t expect her to. All I’ve gotten in the last thirty-six hours are one-word answers and silence.
Fear settles deep in my gut. The only hope I’ve been holding on to is the fact that she still reaches for me in her sleep, but her unconscious self isn’t the one making decisions right now.
“I want you to stay,” I tell her when she tenses against my body and stares across the room. “I need you to stay.”
“You’re not everything I need,” she responds emotionlessly. “You can’t give me that.”
I don’t know what that is, but clearly, she needs something, and I’ve failed her at anticipating her needs.
“Is it the cage?” I growl as my hand tangles in her hair and pulls her head back.
A long-suffered sigh escapes her lips, but that’s her only response. My brain misfires before coming back online to think of ways to bring her back to me. I know what she needs. It’s exactly what she sought out before we met.
I swallow thickly before releasing her hair.
“My birthday party is tonight. Leave tomorrow.”
I know she can hear the desperation in my voice, and for once, I don’t bother trying to mask it with sexual aggression like I’ve done numerous times with her before. I need her off balance for what I have planned.
Chapter 41
Kaci
I’ve checked the time on my cell phone a million times since TJ led me out here a couple of hours ago. He’s frustrating the hell out of me, using half his time to police my alcohol intake and the other half ignoring me while he talks to everyone else.
I smile when I’m spoken to, but my skin is itchy and tingly with the need to get out of here. TJ has been underfoot like a clingy toddler for the last four days. He isn’t the man he was before my last visit to my parents’ house. I never wanted a man who doted on me and looked helpless when he didn’t think I was paying attention to him.
The man who brought me here would know what I craved. He’d give me exactly what I’m looking for. Last week, TJ would’ve been able to pull me back from the edge. This week he seems more concerned about my mental health than anything else, except he can’t see that his soft hands and sensitive nature are what’s driving me crazy.
If he hadn’t turned into whatever he is now, my issues would be gone by now. He should know I don’t need him to act like some prince charming. I need him rough, insistent, demanding that I meet his desires. I need him to remind me of a safe word before he brutalizes my body with so much pleasure, I’m left drained for days. This is like that love making session back at my old studio apartment. I didn’t want him that way then, and I sure as hell don’t need that from him now.
The confession, him needing me, from earlier, I imagine would get most girls all gooey. What’s not to swoon over? TJ is gorgeous on his worst day. He’s a big tough guy all but citing fucking poetry right now. It does nothing for me.
Without a word, TJ stands, bending to push a chaste kiss to my lips before he walks away. The damn near platonic kiss is worse than it has been since I killed my father, and it makes me realize that he’s already saying goodbye. For a man who has made all sorts of confessions, he sure is
quick to lock the gate on all those emotions. He knows I’m leaving tomorrow. I figured the information would draw out at least one last rough fuck, a final session of dominance in front of his friends, but all it has done is make him withdraw from me.
I frown at his back when he walks across the room, smiling at some chick I don’t know. I don’t know what I expected out of him but pulling the girl against his side and disappearing with her down the hallway toward his room while she peers up at him like she’s just won the fucking lottery, is not it.
“Tough break.”
I look over to see that Legs has taken TJ’s vacated spot beside me on the couch. I don’t bother with a rebuttal. This chick hates me for the very same reason I hate the girl TJ just took off with.
“If you stick around long enough, you’ll understand that none of these men are faithful.”
“Speak for yourself,” Briar, TJ’s sister’s boyfriend, says from the other sofa. Molly beams at his declaration and snuggles deeper into his side. They are fucking adorable, and a doting man is exactly what Molly needs. I have no interest in it, but a man that would just get up and walk away from me to fuck another girl isn’t on my list of things that are okay either.
Anticipating that Legs is going to sit there and continue to taunt me, I grab two shots off the table in front of me and down them before standing and walking away.
“You need to leave her alone,” I hear Molly chastise, but the energy is wasted on me. I won’t be around long enough for it to even matter.
My phone is in my hand, typing on the Uber App before I make it to the front door. Waiting by the front gate for my ride away from this place seems like a much better idea than sitting beside TJ’s last fuck buddy and listening to her regale me with stories of all the ways he’s fucked her and hundreds of other women.
I’m attacked from behind before I can even understand what’s happening. Two strong hands hold me while another set ties something around my eyes. I don’t think to scream. For a long moment, I think someone is playing a joke on me. TJ said I was safe here. He assured me more than once nothing would happen to me at the Ravens Ruin clubhouse. I belong to him, and that the men here respected that.