His hand tightens around my bicep. “Christ, Sadie . . .”
The train comes to a grinding halt. If he weren’t holding me, I’d fly forward. The doors open. We’re at our stop. He and I stare at each other a moment. “Go ahead,” I dare him. “You’ve been trying to get rid of me all night, haven’t you?”
He hesitates, but releases me and leaves the car. I give him a head start. When he’s halfway up the stairs, I catch him checking over his shoulder for me. I’m not there, but he doesn’t stop.
Right before the subway doors close, I hop out. By the time I’m on ground level, he’s gone.
My phone rings. I answer it with, “You left something on the train.”
“Yeah?” Nathan asks. “What?”
“Me.” I swallow, checking left and right. There are people around, but fuck it. This is New York City. Nothing shocks anyone. “Do you normally walk away from a woman who’s ready and willing to suck your cock?”
The man walking ahead of me looks back, but I avert my eyes.
“Fuck, Sadie,” Nathan says. “You aren’t playing fair—”
“I bet it’s huge. A tall, strong man like you.” Nathan and I can talk it up in bed, but I’m not used to being this candid. Especially in public. I can’t let him distract me, though. As long as Nathan wants me, I haven’t lost him. As long he reacts, even if it’s with anger, then there’s still a chance. I can’t seem to connect with him emotionally lately, but sex can bring him back to me, even if it’s only for a little while.
I press on. “Does she let you come in her mouth, your wife?”
“No—” The word comes out strangled.
This is supposed to be for him, but it’s working on me too. I’m getting wet. “I would. Like a good fucking slut.”
The line goes dead. I check the screen. He hung up. Shit. Why? If he wants a slut, I can be that. He doesn’t need to find a Joan, or anyone else, to satisfy him. But what else can I do to show him I care? He rejects my touch. My words. My love. All that I have. I’m at a loss.
By the time I reach our apartment building, my self-doubt has become a hurricane inside me. It shouldn’t be so much work to get my husband to notice me.
But when I get off the elevator, Nathan’s there, leaning against the door of our apartment. His arms are folded over his chest, his eyes dark. I can’t read his mood. I don’t speak as I approach, afraid to say the wrong thing.
“How’d you find me?” he asks.
My heart skips. He still wants to play. I don’t miss a beat. “I followed you.”
“Why?”
“Because, I . . .” I glance at the door. “I . . . want to come in.”
“My wife is home.”
My thighs tremble. My panties are sticky, already damp from earlier. This is having a swift effect on me. “Are you suggesting—”
He whirls me around and pushes me up against the front door. “This what you want?” he asks. “Is this why you won’t leave me the fuck alone?”
I’m not sure if we’re still role-playing. My breasts are mashed, but I like this new side to Nathan. The shock alone is enough to get me going. “Yes,” I say. “I want this.”
He pulses his hips into my backside, and I have my answer. There’s no question he still wants me, even if I am his unexciting wife. With my cheek against the door, I can see Finn’s apartment. My mind flashes to earlier, Finn’s hot, his hungry lips. “Here?” I ask.
“We can’t go inside,” he taunts. “You want this, don’t you?”
There’s no chance I’d stop him now. Anything I get from him feels like a small victory.
He yanks up my skirt and runs a hand up the silky inside of my tights. “All these goddamn layers.”
“Rip them.”
He doesn’t waste a second. He stretches the fabric from my leg and uses his other hand to pierce it. Once my tights puncture, they give easily. He rubs me, dominating my senses, drowning out anything that isn’t his touch. When I’m whimpering, he slides his fingers inside me. He knows me well. Within seconds, I can’t catch my breath, and the door rattles against my chest. He takes his hand away, and I know what’s coming.
He gets his keys out and unlocks the door, hurrying me inside.
“What about your wife?” I whisper.
“We’ll have to be quiet.”
I turn on the lights. He turns them back out and pulls me against him by my waist. He starts to gather my skirt in his hands when Ginger pushes her nose between us.
“Ginger, no,” he says.
Her tail whacks his leg. She jumps up on us, wanting to play.
Nathan takes her collar. “I said no. Down.” He pulls her away and leaves me standing there. I wait, breathing hard, my knees nearly knocking together. A door slams.
Nathan returns. The apartment is still completely dark. “On your knees.”
I drop down to the cold, hard tile. I’m salivating, ready to take every inch of him. Fucking in the doorway, we’ve done, but I don’t remember ever blowing him here.
I push his hands away from his pants. He’s too slow. I take him out, the long, hard cock that belongs to me, the one I know better than my own pussy. I run the tip of my tongue around the underside of his crown. He fists my hair. I lick his shaft. Suck his balls. Bite the inside of his thigh, the way he likes. I know I’m golden when his cum beads on my tongue.
I blow him to get him off—slow, then fast, then slow again. I take him deep for as long as I can manage, then suckle his tip. With a groan, he falls onto his outstretched arms against the wall. He thrusts lightly, working himself deeper into my mouth. He shudders, close to the edge.
Spreading his hand over my scalp, he threads his fingers in my hair. “Fuck me, you’re too good. I’m going to come.”
I bob my head faster. He hasn’t finished in my mouth since before I can remember, but not because I won’t let him. He likes to fuck me at the end, come inside me.
Not tonight. My only warning is a hoarse shout before he floods my mouth. I’m even more turned on now, knowing he was so excited he couldn’t wait any longer. I’ve done and been exactly what he needed.
He pulls out, panting.
“I swallowed it all,” I say. “Like a good slut.”
He stares at me, his mouth open as he labors for breath. He tucks himself back into his pants. “Are you mocking me?”
“No.” I bite my bottom lip and slide my hand between my legs. “I loved it. I want more.”
“When it’s convenient for you.”
I scoff. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He walks away. After a moment, Ginger comes bounding out, nearly tackling me to the ground. I get up and take off my boots. I leave my tights, holding onto the small hope he’ll want to rip them more. In the bedroom, I find him shirtless in his underwear. He pulls on his sweatpants.
“That’s it?” I ask.
“I told you in the shower this morning, Sadie. I don’t want this right now, but you keep pushing me. I can’t keep a clear head when we’re fucking.”
“What do you need a clear head for?” I ask, crossing my arms. “Tell me, so I can help.”
“I will,” he looks pointedly at me, “once my head is clear, and I know what I want to say.”
I scowl, my cheeks heating. I’m tempted to seduce him again just so I can show him how it feels to be rejected. “You know what? Just get the hell out.”
“What?”
I grab his pillow, carry it into the living room, and toss it on the couch. Next, I go to the linen closet and get a clean set of sheets.
“What’re you doing?” he asks.
I unceremoniously drop them next to the pillow. “Have fun sleeping on the couch.”
He blocks me as I try to reenter our bedroom. “I’m not trying to hurt you.” He runs his free hand through his hair and pulls it. The pain in his face makes me pause. “I just need this. I need to figure my stuff out.”
“What stuff?” I plead. I’m tired of fighting—
with him, with myself.
“I’ll come to you when I’m ready. I promise. Until then, I’m asking for this one thing. Back off.”
“You say that like it’s no big deal. You live in my apartment.”
“Our apartment.”
“You know what I fucking mean. Don’t twist my words. We live together. How am I supposed to ignore you?”
“Not ignore,” he says. “Just a little space.”
“You told me never to give you space.”
That makes him pause. He looks me over, my ripped tights and hiked up skirt. “I know. I did say that, but . . .”
I shake my head and push past him. I get into bed, buzzed, aroused, and dejected. Ginger pads between the couch and the bed, confused. In the dark silence, I’m defenseless against the onslaught of emotions. The tears come. He doesn’t want me on the most basic level, and it’s something I never thought I’d have to deal with. What do I do with that? Where can we possibly go from here?
I sob with my fist in my mouth so he won’t hear. Nathan’s getting further away, but he’s still in the next room—and somehow, that makes it worse.
THIRTEEN
When Finn spots me coming up the sidewalk toward our apartment building, he holds the door. “Hi,” he says as I duck inside. I try not to look at him, but it’s hard. He smells earthy, like he’s been sitting around a fire on a winter night, draped in blankets. “How’ve you been?”
“Okay.” I stop to get the mail.
He waits as I sort through it. Perhaps sensing my mood, he says, “Hey. What’s Mickey Mouse’s favorite book?”
I glance up finally. His bright green eyes make me self-conscious about the bags under mine. I toss everything but a bill in the recycle bin. “I give up.”
“The Great Ratsby.” He grins. “Marissa came up with that. She has a sudden fascination with rodents.”
It feels good to smile. “Smart girl.”
He hits the elevator call button. The doors open, and we get on. “It’s late,” he says. “Just getting home from work?”
I nod. “We had an event in SoHo. How’s unpacking?”
“Hot.” We stand there a moment. As if the word itself is a heater, the space warms. He licks his lips. They look dry from the cold, but still rust-colored and inviting. My hands twitch as I remember how I lost control last week and grabbed onto him while he kissed me.
He laughs. “We forgot to hit the button.”
My cheeks flush. Or maybe I was already blushing from my memory. Either way, the tension eases, and I relax. “Is the apartment almost done?” I ask once we’re ascending.
He shrugs. “Not really. I got distracted.”
“With what?”
“Finally got some of my equipment out. I took my camera for a spin or two.”
“That’s great,” I say, smiling. “Get anything good?”
“I’m a little rusty,” he admits. “But there’s a lot to work with in this city. In fact, I even scored my first gig.”
“Wow.” I pick up on his excitement. “Congratulations.”
“Thanks. She’s a small business owner, so I’m cutting her a deal. Hopefully, she’ll refer me to others.” We arrive at the sixth floor, and he touches his hand to the small of my back as we get off.
“Your beard’s growing in,” I note on the short walk to his door.
He scratches it. “It itches.”
“You could shave it.”
We stop at his apartment. “You don’t like it?”
I’ve never been much for facial hair. Nathan has a blade-like, square jawline, and it’d be a shame to hide it. On Finn, though, it works. Very well. “No, I do.”
He nods. “Then I’ll keep it.”
I go to leave, but being near his apartment makes me think of how it feels inside. The warmth. The slight buzz from breaking the rules. I can almost hear the skip of the vinyl. He has his key in the door when he notices I’m still standing there.
“I’m sorry about your record player,” I say. “I’ll replace it.”
“It’s fine, actually,” he says. “Vintage. Well made.”
“Oh. Okay. Good.”
Slowly, he curves his mouth into a smile, as though I’ve been caught confessing a secret. I’m not sure I have a secret. If I did, it would probably be that after almost a week of near silence in my own apartment, I kind of want to go to Finn’s, listen to some music, and chill. “Night, Sadie,” he says on his way inside.
At work the next day, everyone in the office gathers in the conference room for a meeting. As Amelia discusses updates to our website, she points at me. “Headshots,” she says. “Don’t let me forget.”
“Headshots?” I ask. “Why?”
“We need to update your blurb on the site. Now that you’re dealing with clients more in your new position, I want your face out there. It’s not enough just to list your accomplishments.”
I sit forward. The last week, I’ve had a lot on my mind. Mostly work, Thanksgiving plans, and the fact that Nathan is still sleeping on the couch. But since I saw Finn last night, I haven’t thought of much else. As Amelia starts in on the next item of business, I speak up. “Can I hire my own photographer?”
“Fine by me,” she says. “Just try to have fun with it. Make sure it reflects what we do here—incorporate a hobby or something. Send me the bill.”
A hobby, I think to myself later, when I’m riding the subway home from work. Being silly with Nathan is my definition of fun. The nosebleed section of a Yankees game, my feet in his lap as I scarf down a relish-laden hotdog—the only reason I put up with baseball.
Fun is racing against the clock at the Union Square farmer’s market, trying to come up with a more creative dinner than Nathan in ten minutes. Even when his ideas are better, he declares me the winner.
Cooking for Nathan. Being with Nathan. That’s my hobby.
Tonight, he’s bowling. Even though it’s Wednesday again, we didn’t need to discuss whether or not I’d come along. As much as I’d like to be there, I’m respecting his wants and needs. He doesn’t want me there. Doesn’t need me bringing him down.
After taking Ginger out, I’m not in the mood to sit still. I pour myself a glass of wine as I prepare a steak salad, garlic potato wedges, and broccolini. I eat alone at the counter, stabbing at romaine lettuce, feeding Ginger table scraps. There’s enough for two, but this meal won’t be any good tomorrow.
I wonder about Finn. If he’s been eating well. How often he goes back to Connecticut. What he does all day. One gig won’t be enough to pay the rent in this building. Make that two gigs, if he accepts the job to do my headshots. His excitement last night over finding work he’s passionate about has stuck with me. When I tell him about the job, I’ll be the reason for his enthusiasm.
After my second glass of wine, the silence in the apartment is deafening. I put leftovers in a Tupperware and grab my keys. I knock on Finn’s door, rocking in my Minnetonka moccasins. He probably isn’t home. Out for dinner. Visiting Connecticut. At a movie. I’ve convinced myself he isn’t here when he answers in a t-shirt and basketball shorts.
He leans his shoulder against the doorframe, an absurdly pleased smile on his face. “Hello again.”
“Hello.” I glance into the apartment. The lights are on, but I don’t hear anything—or anyone. I should’ve thought this through more.
“I’m alone,” he says.
“Oh.” I look up into his eyes. “Me too.”
He nods as if he understands. How could he possibly know how painful it is for me to be alone tonight while Nathan is cavorting with his friends and their wives?
“Come in,” he says.
I don’t even hesitate. Tonight, the gray cloud over my head can take a break. “I brought you something.”
He shuts the door behind me. “Is that what I think it is?”
“It’s dinner.”
“God in heaven,” he groans, “you are an angel.”
I grin. “That might be a
stretch.”
“You wouldn’t say that if you were me. I haven’t had vegetables in a week.”
It’s supposed to make me laugh, but instead it makes me a little sad. He has more furniture since I was here last, but the couch is covered with a sheet. The TV is still in its box. There’s an entertainment center in the corner, but it’s not lined up right with the walls. I bury my hands in my sweater sleeves, even though his heater clearly still isn’t fixed.
“Are you doing okay?” I ask.
“What?” He follows my gaze around the room. An Ikea coffee table is in pieces by the sofa, the instructions spread out. “I’m having a blast. It’s the first time in years I get to live like a bachelor. And it’s just as good as I remember.”
I don’t point out that bachelorhood can have as many ups and downs as married life. Last time I was here, I found the apartment refreshing, a clean slate. The mess makes me second-guess myself. TV dinners and living out of boxes? First dates and awkward conversation? I don’t recall my single days fondly.
I hand him the Tupperware. “Sorry to spoil the party, but there is broccolini in there.”
He raises his eyebrows. “Good thing broccolini’s my favorite.”
I laugh. “Try again. That wasn’t convincing.”
“No, really.” He motions for me to follow him into the kitchen. “I like how small it is. Better than broccoli, those big-ass motherfuckers.”
I’m full on giggling into my hand now. Five minutes here, and I’m no longer a villain—or a victim. I’m not ruining someone’s day just by being around.
“Will you eat with me?” he asks.
I gesture in the general direction of my apartment. My hand is still sleeved like a five-year-old. “I already ate.”
“But you’ll sit?” he asks, pulling out a chair for me. “Just for a few?”
He goes to a cupboard without waiting for my answer. I tuck some hair behind my ear and take a seat at the table. At the moment, I’m more comfortable in a stranger’s crowded, unorganized kitchen than I am in my own bedroom.
He puts all the food onto a plate, even though I suspect if I weren’t here, he’d eat straight out of the container.
“So,” we say at the same time. Both of us smile politely.
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