Wanda sipped her drink and considered how they were trying out difficult topics. She couldn’t help changing the conversation again. Maybe they would feel more secure as the afternoon progressed. ‘So how’s work, Teddy.’
‘Well, you’ll be surprised to hear I have news. Nothing’s happened at that office in ten years and now the best of all possible things …’
‘A promotion?’ asked Anna.
‘No, but Mr Whitney is leaving — for a store down in Los Angeles. He has been a real trial, you know. Never did stop pestering me.’
‘But,’ Wanda looked puzzled, ‘doesn’t that mean you can move up — into his job? You know it backwards.’
‘I’m not interested.’ Teddy shrugged, understanding this would bother her friends. ‘I’m happy with my job, with the hours. The pay is enough. I get along with everybody — or at least I will now that Mr Whitney is leaving.’
‘But who knows who your next boss will be?’ Wanda bit her lip. This wasn’t her business. It wasn’t inconceivable for Teddy to be content in the old job and the same house.
‘Between us — Angela and me — we make more than enough money. This place is paid for. I know you think I’m foolish.’
Anna watched the two of them, so opposite in their goals. As much as she had learned about persistence from Wanda, she had learned about acceptance from Teddy. Interesting, this brief mention of Angela. She always entered the conversation fleetingly, as an assumption, as part of Teddy’s life that was never fully acknowledged.
The doorbell rang. Teddy’s eyes caught her watch. 12.40. She inhaled slowly and tried to relax. These butterflies were ridiculous. She had seen Moira last month. So what if they hadn’t all been in the same room together for eight years? They were the same people. Relax, she told herself, just calm down.
Anna lit another cigarette. No, they wouldn’t get to Angela today, not in front of Moira. What a relief last year when Moira finally told her about the relationship with Teddy. Teddy knew that she knew now, didn’t she?
Wanda noticed how big Moira had got in the last month and she registered Teddy’s surprise. Did Teddy know Moira was pregnant again? One difference in the group’s friendship now was that one didn’t know just what the others knew.
Tess and Clara skipped ahead of their mother into the living room. Both girls had Moira’s curly red hair and wide eyes.
Leah rushed over eagerly and then halted, her hands on her hips. ‘Hi there.’ She waited for them to come to her. As the oldest child, she was entitled to deference. Anna watched carefully, wondering if Leah felt too old for these little girls — what were they — five-and-a-half and four years old? Finally Leah broke into a smile, herself, and waved them into the dining room where she had been drawing. ‘Come on in. I’ve been waiting all day for you!’
Moira laughed. ‘The only honest woman in the crowd. Listen, girls, sorry I’m late, but the frosting on this cake went liquid and …’ She turned to the front door where Randy stood uncertainly.
‘Hi there, Wanda,’ he called.
Wanda waved back. Anna advanced and waved as well. Teddy stared and eventually took a step forward. ‘Hello there, Randy, how’re you doing?’ She tried to repress her animosity. After all these years, she admonished herself, but she couldn’t help it.
‘Well, I got to be going.’ He waved again. ‘You girls all have a good time.’ Teddy noticed he seemed afraid to close the door. Moira stood in the hallway, her arms around an enormous chocolate cake, feeling like the cake, round and cumbersome and out of place.
Anna observed Teddy’s paralysis and took over. ‘Here, Moi, let me escort the cake to the kitchen. You take a seat and a glass.’
‘Yes.’ Teddy recovered. ‘Let me hang up your coat. And I’ll get the girls some soda.’
Moira sat tentatively on the elephant and accepted a drink from Wanda. She had been feeling woozy all day — why did they call this ‘morning sickness’? — and maybe the alcohol would settle her. Either that or send her into orbit. Christ, it was odd to be back. Her attention was immediately drawn to the new apricot wall in the dining room. Probably Angela’s idea. Not too bad. She would remember to say something complimentary about it.
Anna walked back and sat beside Moira. ‘The girls look beautiful. Clara isn’t a baby at all any more.’
‘No, not the way she runs away from me in the street! And did you notice Tess’s blouse? Those clothes from Leah are coming in handy already. Sometimes I think that Tess is twice the normal size. But what’s normal. As Mother says, she’s healthy enough.’
Wanda sank into the couch, heavy with conflicting feelings. What happened to the old Moira who sparked and inspired her to be independent? But how could she be irritated with this weary woman who looked older than any of them. Also, the poor kid was married to Randy, a nice enough guy, but not exactly talented in the financial department. Wanda reminded herself that underneath it all Moira was the same quixotic, original person. ‘They are both beautiful girls,’ she joined in.
Teddy would not sit down. She was at once too excited and too scared. She would fiddle in the kitchen a while, get her bearings and then return.
‘Teddy, let me help.’ Anna got to her feet.
‘No, you enjoy yourself. I just need to check on the meatloaf.’
‘She looks terrific,’ Moira said, ‘ … in top form.’
‘Yes, she does seem happier,’ Wanda agreed. ‘Middle age suits her.’
‘Middle age!’ declared Moira. ‘Do you think we’ve really hit it? I feel like I’m only getting started.’ She reassured herself that she was three years younger than Teddy. Still, she felt that she had faded away while Teddy, Anna and Wanda had come into their own.
Inadvertently Wanda glanced at Moira’s stomach.
‘Oh, I don’t mean with the kids. This is the last one! Even if it’s not a boy. How can I be the mother of three kids already? Middle-aged? I keep thinking I’ll get back on the track. You know, like I did when I quit acting to work in the war. I thought I’d be off the market only a couple of years and then I might even get “mature woman” parts. When we decided to get married, I thought it would free me up from supporting Tess to go back to the stage and then Clara came and now here’s little-what’s-his-name, and well, I can’t think of this as middle age, can you, Anna?’
Anna took a drag on her cigarette. ‘I don’t know. Sometimes I feel much younger than when I lived in London. Then I have to acknowledge that Leah is twelve already. I do feel like I missed part of my twenties, like I’m actually twenty-five or twenty-six.’
‘Yes,’ Wanda agreed. ‘That’s why I felt such urgency once I got to college. I still feel like I’ll never catch up.’
Moira saw the distress on Wanda’s face. ‘That’s what I was saying about not being middle-aged; I haven’t finished my youth yet.’
‘Guess we’ve all changed direction since our “youths”.’ Anna grew more pensive.
‘Yes.’ Moira drained her glass and poured another. ‘I’m different in little ways. Like my relationship with Mother. I don’t think I ever could have forgiven Mother if I hadn’t had my own kids.’
Wanda winced at the reminder that she and her own mother would never reach that final truce. In this one respect, she had refused to be a model daughter. They had understood each other more during the last months. Yet so much still separated them, so much grief which they took out on each other.
‘I wonder if this is just the normal aging process. How many of the changes in our lives came about from the war?’
‘You’re right.’ Wanda tried to forget Mama momentarily. ‘It’s probably just the classic dwindling of goals. So Roy and I didn’t get to Africa. Everyone has disappointments.’ She was not convincing herself.
‘Hey, hey.’ Teddy returned. ‘No more interesting chat without me. Lunch is served, ladies.’
The
children seemed happy at their card table, Teddy observed. Leah was helping the younger ones, reminding Teddy of her own role in the Fielding family. People made eager comments about the sushi, kugel, salad, meatloaf and beans. Then there was silence. Teddy felt tongue-tied, unsure where to start. Should she try something like plans for summer vacation or would that set a superficial tone for the rest of the meal? She wanted to find out more about Reuben. But could they talk about such serious things with the children here?
Moira reconsidered the apricot paint. Yes, it did work well with the brown rug and the beige curtains. It added a little zest to the room. Why hadn’t she thought of it herself? Could she mention it offhandedly or would Teddy think she was trying to be too friendly about Angela?
Wanda tried beans and was transported by memories of her first taste of Teddy’s spicy, substantial cooking. Suddenly, she was tired and sad. The years in this house had been the most hopeful in her life. She had never since made friends like these. Even her relationship with Carolyn didn’t involve the depth of feeling she had for Anna, Teddy and Moira. It wasn’t as if they were dead or had moved a thousand miles, unlike Roy’s war buddies, who had disappeared in one way or another. Moreover, she got to see her friends every month or two. She would never be satisfied. Maybe Mama was right; she asked too much of life. But it was from Mama she had learned to ask.
Anna looked at Wanda’s tight mouth and wondered how the girl was doing. She would try to find her alone later. She seemed distracted these last couple of months. Maybe she was having troubles with Roy. She wondered if the camp memories haunted her. They said that some of the Jews in Europe were now committing suicide. Of course the camps here had been different, but some of the effects were similar.
‘Mommy, Mommy,’ Tess called, ‘Leah made the salad. Did you know that?’
‘Delicious, dear.’ Moira smiled. Leave it to Tess to break the silence. She might be the most comfortable person here today. She had almost been born in this house. Did she have any sense of that? Could she remember colors or objects from her first months here? Perhaps that striped scatter rug she used to lie on between the kitchen and the dining room. Moira glanced down, gratified to find the rug there.
‘What’s happening to Vivian?’ asked Teddy.
‘Still typing in Castro Valley.’ Moira shrugged. ‘That guy from Modesto didn’t work out. We haven’t been in touch for six or seven months.’
‘We mustn’t ever let that happen to us.’ Wanda was struck by the force in her own voice. ‘I mean, promise we’ll always stay in close contact.’
They each nodded solemnly.
Fearful of another silence, Teddy interjected, ‘How about your sister-in-law, Carolyn?’
‘She’s teaching in Colorado now, high school French. She seems happy. I find it hard to understand. But she and Winnie like the snow and quite a few Nisei live in that part of the country — a number of people who decided to stay after their dislocation from the coast.’
‘Once I saw Seattle, I could understand Dawn moving,’ Teddy offered. ‘She and Sandra say it’s like what San Francisco used to be.’
‘I can’t imagine leaving the Bay Area for good.’ Wanda looked around with concern. ‘Could any of you?’
Anna glanced at Leah who was exchanging a piece of sushi for some of Tess’s meatloaf. ‘No,’ she sighed heavily. ‘There were times I thought we might go back to London. But I can’t see it now.’
‘Me neither,’ Moira added. ‘That’s one thing that hasn’t changed. We all live in the Bay Area.’
‘A lot is the same,’ Teddy said. ‘We’re basically the same people.’
‘Oh, no,’ Anna and Wanda answered in unison.
Teddy shrugged. They were right: here she was trying to contain things again.
‘OK,’ Teddy admitted. ‘We’re living differently than we anticipated.’
‘And doing different jobs,’ said Anna.
‘Everything is different,’ declared Wanda, ‘everything. We have a smaller sense of possibility now.’
‘Smaller or just different?’ asked Anna.
‘Maybe you’re right,’ Wanda conceded. ‘Different. I think that one of the reasons I cherish our friendship is that it’s a reference point. Everything has changed around me. So many of my friends didn’t live here ten years ago. But you all understand who I was, and maybe, as a result, more about who I am.’
‘Yes,’ said Teddy, ‘I agree. Angela and I have friends who — well, who have always lived like the two of us do. They don’t understand all the stops and starts …’ She picked at the beans, too nervous to eat. ‘I don’t know, there’s something about keeping up with people — people you choose — that holds you steady. When you’re going through a bad patch, they remind you that you’ve endured before.’ She sipped the water to stop herself from jabbering and almost gagged. She breathed slowly, relaxed and swallowed. She thought about Moira throwing up one morning. All of a sudden, she was flattened by sadness.
Anna started into her pocket for a cigarette and stopped herself — totally inappropriate behavior for the middle of a meal. It was surprising to hear Teddy being so self-scrutinizing. Sometimes she thought Wanda and herself were the only ones consciously moving, but they had all transformed, been transformed. Teddy’s life was far more radical than anything she might have imagined for herself.
Wanda nodded. ‘Yes, Teddy, I know what you mean.’
Moira stared at the kugel. It was wonderful hearing Teddy’s commitment to them. She had promised that they would always remain friends, but Moira used to think of that as Teddy’s moral idealism. Here, though, she could tell Teddy needed Moira as much as she, herself, needed Teddy. She was almost crying, so she tried for a lighter tone. ‘Changes. Well, I’ve gone through some big ones. Cooking, for instance. Anna, you’ll be disappointed to hear I still serve Campbell’s chicken soup, but at least it’s hot nowadays.’
‘Mommy is a good cook,’ Tess declared. ‘We had beef stew last night.’
Teddy regarded the child with affection. How much did she remember of Aunt Teddy in the early days? Tess was always more affectionate than Clara. Was this because she was older and less shy, or was it because she recalled those first months in the house?
‘Well, I still haven’t changed my bad habits.’ Anna laughed, pulling out her cigarettes. Everyone had finished the first course. And she needed reinforcement before embarking on Moira’s cake. She thought about meeting Moira that first day of typing school and of the compassion she felt for the poor kid’s tangled fingers. She could still see that brilliant red nail polish.
Leah and Tess were at Anna’s elbow, taking her plate. She exchanged a pleased glance with Moira. Moira nodded, wanting to warn the children to be gentle with Teddy’s favorite dishes but holding her tongue.
‘Careful,’ Leah whispered to the younger child, ‘careful with the plates.’
Anna smiled to herself.
‘Coffee?’ asked Wanda. She needed to move around. All this casting for intimacy gave her the willies. Maybe they should have simply met for drinks. Maybe she was too self-conscious. ‘Or tea?’
Teddy stood.
‘No.’ Wanda put her hands on Teddy’s shoulders. ‘You’ve been running around for us all day. Sit down and let me get the drinks.’
When Wanda returned, she was dismayed to find them on the subject of children’s clothes. She tried to start a conversation about the Emporium, but Teddy was as immersed as Moira and Anna. It was boring and inconsiderate the way mothers went on and on about their children. However, she also knew she was jealous that they had settled into their families while she couldn’t even decide to have children. Decide? Having children was natural. Why was this so hard for her? Was she unnatural? She sat down and thought about Teddy’s courage in bringing up the subject of Angela and about the cowardice of everybody else in letting it pass. Maybe she would find
an opening after this discussion of rapid bone growth.
‘Terrific cake, Moi.’ Teddy cut herself a second piece.
‘Yes,’ Anna nodded, filled with deep affection for Teddy. It wasn’t so bad; the frosting was a little patchy, but it tasted better than anything she could remember Moira concocting. People usually manage as best they can, she reminded herself. For some reason, this recalled Mama. Memories of the parents’ dinner here at the table without Mama. Of her weekly visits to the hospital, of her dreams about Mama in London.
Abruptly, Anna drained her coffee and turned to Wanda. ‘How about you and me doing the dishes?’ Had this been too quick? Would the others feel excluded? Still, she needed a break. She needed to talk about her plan with Wanda, who would understand better than anyone. She reached down for another cigarette.
‘Sure,’ Wanda nodded, disappointed that the four of them hadn’t been able to have a long, serious talk. Well, after the dishes, there was still time. Did Anna have something urgent on her mind or did she just want to give Teddy and Moira some privacy?
The children insisted on clearing the table. By the time Anna and Wanda were alone in the kitchen, Anna lost her nerve. Wanda probably wouldn’t understand either. She would say it was a self-indulgence, a superficial kind of work. Wanda wrote about urgent issues — poverty and education and racial discrimination — what would she think of her friend becoming a psychologist puttering inside other people’s heads?
Wanda sprinkled Tide over the plates and ran hot water. She hadn’t used Tide to wash dishes since she lived here. Was this Teddy’s custom or something they came to together? Just one of the house idiosyncracies she had forgotten. She watched the soap suds rise into a sweet scent and waited for Anna to begin.
‘I, I feel embarrassed.’ Anna stared at the suds. ‘I wanted to talk with you about work.’
‘Yes,’ asked Wanda, ‘how’s your job?’
‘OK. But ultimately, I don’t know how meaningful it is.’
All Good Women Page 52