The study Heather participated in could be the beginning of something new. But the true benefits of propofol for treatment-resistant depression remain unknown. Much work still needs to be done.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I would like to thank my editor, Jeremie Ruby-Strauss, who resisted every urge to ask, “You did what?” when I called to tell him that I wanted to write this book. Without his faith in this story I know that I would still be knocking on doors trying to convince someone that a switch had flipped. He has been both my champion and my advisor, and he is to thank for the glaring lack of sentences written entirely in caps lock in these pages. I have sent him flowers on your behalf.
Many thanks to the team at UNI who took such good care of me, including Dr. Brian Mickey and Dr. Scott Tadler. I owe my psychiatrist, Dr. Lowry Bushnell one, if not both, of my kidneys. He put it this way: I won the lottery. I happened to be sitting in his office when Dr. Mickey was looking for another patient for this trial. How lucky I was to be number three out of tenin the world.
I am indebted to my talk therapist Mel for guiding me through the darkest months of my life and trusting that I had something inside of me that would hold on for my girls. Because of her I can now eat chips and salsa with a smile.
I also want to thank Simon Wheatcroft for guiding me to the finish line of the 2016 Boston Marathon and Karen Walrond for modeling what it means to be a woman who could look at item 11 on the How Much Do I Want to be Dead Assessment—the item asking me to determine my view of myself—and think, I run this world. A thank you to Roxanna Sarmiento whose compassionate glance toward me over a meal in Pattaya, Thailand, told me that what I had confided in her about my crippling appetite was heard and seen and trusted. Thanks also goes to Michael Lopp who in February 2016 asked me over a drink in Wellington, New Zealand, what I wanted most in life. I’d never considered it before he asked me, and the day after my fifth treatment when I was sitting on my porch watching my children ride their scooters back and forth I remembered that conversation. I had answered, “I want to be still. I want to watch my children be children.”
My most sincere gratitude goes out to John Bray for hearing the sadness in my voice and always checking in on me, to Stacia Sidlow for stroking my hair the night I needed it most, to Ivy Earnest for stepping in as my sister wife and hosting sleepovers for my girls. Many thanks to Ivy and Josh for loving my kids as their own.
A special thank you is owed to Jordan Ferney who convinced me that Paris isn’t just some ordinary European town. Without her encouragement I would have never booked my three-week stay in the city where this book came alive, in the city where I came alive. I could write a library of gratitude for Paris and what it gave to me, but the shorter version is that I walked those winding streets for hours and days and weeks and it filled me with words.
I would like to thank my miniature Australian shepherd, Coco, who became my walking companion in Utah as I tried to recreate the rhythm of Paris at Liberty Park in Salt Lake City.
This book would also not be possible were it not for the guidance and friendship and humanity of my dear friend Kelly Wickham who believed in me so fervently that I started to believe her. She was the first friend I told about the treatment before I started and without hesitation she responded with, “Hell, yeah!” I will never forget the confidence her voice communicated to me in those two words.
I want to thank Phantogram, War on Drugs, Rostam, Yoke Lore, Adorable, and Conner Youngblood for creating the soundtrack to my recovery.
Thanks to Jon Sponaas for bringing me alive for the first time, for reminding me what it meant to want to feel things. Thanks go to VJC for showing me that it was possible to fall in love again. Thanks to Joleen Willardsen for demanding I stay behind at a fundraiser so that I could have drinks with the man who would eventually facilitate every line and word and paragraph of this book. All my love and adoration and devotion to Pete Ashdown. He jumped over a table for me, fell into a pond to fetch my hat. He opened his home to me and the two girls whose needs and wants and bedtime routines kept me alive. I would not have been able to accept his support or his willingness to nurture my work were it not for this treatment. I will love him until the death of universes not yet born.
I want to thank my mother, Linda Oar, and my stepfather, Robert Oar. This entire book is a love letter to them both. They sacrificed their lives so that I might live, and I strive to be worthy of that gift every day. Their legacy will be all the amazing work done by people they have offered unwavering generosity, work made possible because they showed up again and again. Their legacy will be a generation of children who know how to love because they saw it modeled in their grandparents.
And finally, I want to thank the two girls who have inspired every word I have ever written. My life is a love letter to Leta Elise and Marlo Iris. I want to live to see them live. My love for them is what made me hold on, and my biggest hope in life is that I can be the mother to them that my mother has been to me.
THE VALEDICTORIAN OF BEING DEAD
HEATHER B.ARMSTRONG
This reading group guide for The Valedictorian of Being Dead: The True Story of Dying Ten Times to Live includes an introduction, discussion questions, and ideas for enhancing your book club. The suggested questions are intended to help your reading group find new and interesting angles and topics for your discussion. We hope that these ideas will enrich your conversation and increase your enjoyment of the book.
INTRODUCTION
Heather B. Armstrong might be best known as the mommy blogger behind the incredibly popular website dooce, but she’s also been struggling with depression all her life. A few years after her ex-husband moves across the country, Armstrong is drowning in depression, barely able to cope working full time and raising her two daughters as a single mom.
Desperate to clear the fog of depression, she agrees to a study that will take her close to brain death over and over again. It was possible the procedure could do nothing, but it was also possible it could reproduce the benefits of electroshock therapy without the side effects. Over the course of her treatment, Armstrong re-evaluates her relationships with family members, her kids, herself, and most important, her depression.
TOPICS & QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
1. The title The Valedictorian of Being Dead comes from the book’s prologue, in which author Heather B. Armstrong takes pride in how well she approximates being dead. In other parts of the memoir, she clearly relishes being the best at whatever she does. What do you think this says about Armstrong’s personality? How might it play into her depression?
2. To those looking in from the outside, Armstrong was successfully managing being a single parent to two daughters while working full time. However, she was barely getting by on the inside. Have there been times when it seemed like you had it all together but were actually falling apart?
3. Armstrong is well known as a “mommy blogger.” If you’re a parent, do you have any favorite mommy blogs? Take turns recommending the blogs and websites you have found the most useful on your parenting journey.
4. Armstrong makes it clear that suicide is not a selfish act—depressed people think that living is selfish because those around them would be better off if they are gone. Can you think about a time a person’s suicide (or attempted suicide) affected you, and did you feel it was a selfish act? Have you re-evaluated that feeling since reading Armstrong’s book?
5. The relationship between Armstrong and her mother is a focal point of The Valedictorian of Being Dead. Does this mother-daughter relationship seem familiar, or is your relationship with your mother more contentious than Armstrong’s is? Take some time to discuss the benefits and drawbacks of having such a close relationship with your mother.
6. When she’s at her worst, Armstrong turns to her mother and is able to be completely honest with her about her feelings without fear of judgment. Do you have anyone who plays that role in your life?
7. Have you had friends or family members w
ho suffered from depression? If so, take turns discussing your personal experience with this disease and how we can be more empathetic to those with this illness.
8. Armstrong resorts to drastic measures to deal with her depression in this book, and the responses from the people in her life vary greatly. Why do you think her siblings’ reaction is so wildly different than her father’s and stepmother’s?
9. As Armstrong continues her sessions, she begins to feel joy again as the depression lifts. She describes days of just feeling happy. Have you ever been aware of your happiness like that? If so, take turns describing when it happened and how it felt.
10. One thing that struck Armstrong deeply was that everyone involved in the study was donating their time; they weren’t paid to be there. Have you ever been moved in the same way by people volunteering because they believe something can make a difference? Have you ever volunteered your time over the long term?
11. Armstrong blows up myths around platitudes nondepressed people tell people who suffer from depression: for example, just get up and exercise and you’ll feel better. Armstrong turns this on its head by volunteering to assist someone running the Boston Marathon because of her depression, and it makes things even worse. What are some of the other myths about depression that Armstrong busts over the course of her memoir?
12. Anxiety is a constant companion throughout this book, and it will probably feel familiar to many readers, even if they don’t suffer from depression. Can you remember a time when anxiety got the better of you and how you were able to cope?
13. While Armstrong’s treatment has done wonders for her, it may not work forever. If you were in her shoes and began feeling the depression returning, would you subject yourself to the treatment again, knowing how difficult it was the first time around?
ENHANCE YOUR BOOK CLUB
1. Pair The Valedictorian of Being Dead with another memoir on depression, such as Allie Brosh’s Hyperbole and a Half. Compare and contrast the way depression is portrayed in the two books.
2. Read some of Heather B. Armstrong’s sponsored brand posts on her mommy blog, dooce. Discuss her choice to stop accepting this type of income and whether you would have made the same decision.
3. Armstrong has a previous memoir called It Sucked and Then I Cried, which is about the birth of her first child. Pair these two books together and discuss how the threads of depression from the first book tie into her second.
4. Episode 102 of Armstrong’s podcast is called “Destigmatize,” and it confronts the suicides of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade. Listen to the episode, and then have a discussion about how we can all help to destigmatize mental health issues.
More from the Author
Dear Daughter
It Sucked and Then I…
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
HEATHER B. ARMSTRONG is widely acknowledged to be one of the most popular “mommy bloggers” in the world. Her website, dooce®, has twice been listed as one of the 25 best blogs inthe world by Time magazine, and Forbes listed it as a top 100 website for women. In the fourteen years that Heather has been shaping the internet writing community, she’s workedto create targeted content for numerous global brands—including Ford, Nintendo, and Clorox—and written a New York Times bestseller, It Sucked and Then I Cried. She lives in SaltLake City with her two lovely daughters and their insane dog. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @dooce.
FOR MORE ON THIS AUTHOR:
Authors.SimonandSchuster.com/Heather-B-Armstrong
SimonandSchuster.com
Facebook.com/GalleryBooks
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Armstrong, Heather B., author.
Title: The valedictorian of being dead : the true story of dying ten times to live / Heather B. Armstrong.
Description: New York, NY : Gallery Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc., 2019.
Identifiers: LCCN 2018050011 (print) | LCCN 2019000046 (ebook) | ISBN 9781501197062 (ebook) | ISBN 9781501197048 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781501197055 (trade pbk.)
Subjects: LCSH: Armstrong, Heather B.—Mental health. | Depression, Mental—Patients—United States—Biography. | Depression, Mental—Treatment.
Classification: LCC RC537 (ebook) | LCC RC537 .A744 2019 (print) | DDC 616.85/270092 [B]—dc23
LC record available at https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=https-3A__lccn.loc.gov_2018050011&d=DwIFAg&c=jGUuvAdBXp_VqQ6t0yah2g&r=M40YuKx7ONAd-AyP8sLYy9FirEHXYcVB_44DYtjog4Z9S9Ao6mAi5Zj8gVWqQ2Df&m=vt-JRY2v4BGvHwpjyTYALUvWluILBfFHj0N-zfvX17Y&s=I3dXu2JVaC5RX6dTcr6n1jUQJ36SOBTQfACzasl9HdQ&e=
ISBN 978-1-5011-9704-8
ISBN 978-1-5011-9706-2 (ebook)
The Valedictorian of Being Dead Page 22