by Hart, A.
Charles was always convinced that love itself was magic. That is, it had powers just like the ones we saw in fairytales growing up. I remembered chuckling at the big, tall, strong soldier speaking such soft, beautiful words like magic and love. Charles never shared his thoughts with anyone else, not to the detail he shared with me. He would be too embarrassed to, but he was never that way with me. He had strong belief in the magic of love, that it could do things, things that we call miracles. Maybe, just maybe, he was right. I had hope that he was, and if he was . . . then that meant that his love would never leave Charlotte and me. It meant that his love was able to carry through time, through space and through worlds. This is what I know Charles counted on when he jumped in front of Calvin to save his life, when he laid down his life for another. I know it, and today it was what I counted on.
I shook my hands a little as I let out a breath. Warmth carried over me in a wave and I smiled. There you are. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I love you, Charles. I walked into Charlotte’s room and smiled at her blonde curls that fell over her beautiful floral dress. “You look beautiful, Princess.”
She jumped up and down. “We see Uncky Travey?”
I laughed. “Yup, we will.”
She squealed. “Yay, me like hims.”
I nodded. “I know, baby.”
Twenty minutes later, I pulled up into the church parking lot in Charles’s Bronco, which—thank the Lord—was finally repaired. It felt important having his Bronco back here at his childhood church. I put the Bronco in park and the engine kicked, almost like a sigh at its return home. This Bronco had been Charles’s since before he could drive. Travis said the truck had seen things that would never be told, things that he would take to his grave. I smiled at the thought of my good Charles ever being a rule breaker, and then I looked up at the brick building. A tight pinch formed in my chest. Charlotte continued to play with the doll I let her bring along and was oblivious to my minor freak out.
I took a deep breath as that tightening became worse. I began to unbuckle my seatbelt when a knock came from my glass window, and I practically jumped out of my seat. I looked out to see Travis’s worried face. I hopped out, and before I could get to her, Travis already had Charlotte in his arms.
“Hey, my Princesses,” He said, soft and low.
“Hey,” Charlotte and I both said in unison.
As we walked up the walkway, Travis grabbed my hand. Normally, I would reject his PDA. However, I was more nervous than a cat in a dog park. I really needed his comfort right now. Travis had become my best friend over the last two and half years, and although things were a little confusing right now, that is all that his hand holding meant. Before Charles, before the new me . . . When I was a child, SJ would do this for me. It was a gesture that I was comfortable with. For what felt like the hundredth time since I moved here, I shook the thought of the first boy I’d ever loved out of my head.
Twenty minutes later, I nervously bounced my leg up and down. Travis placed his firm hand on my knee, and I looked up at him with a smile. He leaned in. “Just breathe.” I nodded as Charlotte danced around in front of us with her dolls.
The Pastor came up and introduced Charlotte and me after announcing that the service would be in remembrance of Charles. Then he asked everyone to cross isles and say good morning. A flood of all fifty church-goers, half being Travis’s and Charles’s families, came and said good morning. I nodded, smiled, shook hands, hugged back and even returned a couple of kisses on cheeks.
Travis’s dad gave both Charlotte and me huge hugs and kisses on our cheeks. “You girls look gorgeous, as always.”
I smiled. “Aw. Thanks, Frank, you’re looking good yourself.” He nodded with a soft smile and went back to his seat. Frank and I had bonded the handful of times he visited us in North Carolina.
I returned to my seat and the entire time I sat, I fought the urge to throw up and run away. Travis must have sensed that I was uneasy because he grabbed my hand at some point. It was probably the worst time not to care what others thought, especially with Frank looking over and smiling wider than I was comfortable with, but I needed his hand to steady me as much as a fish needed water. After worship, the kids went to Sunday school, and my heart ached as I watched my only connection to Charles walk through those doors.
The service was beautiful and talked about acts of Love. The pastor read passages from the bible, including the one that I know most likely ran through Charles’s mind, right before he died—John 15:13 “Greater love hath no man than this; that a man lay down his life for his friends.” I couldn’t help but smile weakly as a tear slipped from my eyes. That was my Charles. It hurt and felt good at the same time. I was heartbroken and proud all at once, which was sometimes unbearably painful. Today it felt right, like time had gently healed some of the wounds and I was able to smile about it.
The pastor spoke of the ultimate act of love that is mentioned in John 15:13 and how Charles was honorable until his dying breath. I took a deep breath and slightly turned my head. When my eyes caught a glimpse of a familiar face, I turned around more and spotted Cal and Emerson sitting in the back. They must have slipped in after worship. I gave them a slight smile without showing teeth, not wanting to look too happy. Emerson waved gently and Cal winked. I turned around, and at my weak sigh Travis squeezed my hand. I squeezed it back. I truly appreciated Cal and Emerson coming today. Seeing them there made me feel more comfort than I could ever explain.
I know it was hard for Calvin to be here, Emerson too. I can’t imagine how they felt, but I never wanted either one to feel guilty. Calvin deserved his life, he deserved to live. Emerson deserved to have Cal and his love. Charles made a choice, and it was a choice that made him who he was to his core. Although I would like to have my husband back, I would never take away any decision that he made, especially not one made out of love. I loved Charles for who he was. Who he was pre-determined him to push Calvin out of the way of the RPG and place himself there instead. It was one of the many qualities that made me fall for the man.
After the service, I was given more hugs and kisses and told to call anytime by everyone and their mom, literally. When I got back to Cal and Emerson, I hugged them both and whispered in their ears. “Thank you.”
They both smiled and kissed my cheek. “Anytime.” Then they walked out, hand in hand. I knew Calvin still struggled with Charles’s death and with demons that haunted him from many deployments. His being here today took much more strength than many had. It took true bravery. Then again, that was who Calvin was to his core, so I wasn’t truly surprised—more honored.
As soon as I was alone in the bathroom, I took a deep breath and blew it back out. This day was going to kill me. I was so lost lately, and today I was finally starting to feel found again. It was like a painful cleansing that I needed, a detox that my soul craved. As the day wore on, I felt worse and better all at once. For the first time since Charles died I felt like myself, like the version of myself that I wanted to be. I felt strong. I looked in the mirror and fixed my mascara that was starting to smudge from both happy and sad tears.
Travis and I picked up Charlotte from Sunday school, and she came running into my arms with a paper whale craft. “Mommy, I make whale!”
I smiled. “I see that, baby, it’s beautiful!”
She nodded in agreement as Jules came up from behind her. “BOO!” Charlotte jumped and giggled. “Hey, baby, you ready to come play? We’re going to swim!”
Charlotte clapped her hands. “Yay! But mommy pick me up in a little bit.”
I laughed. “Yes, sweetheart, I will pick you up in a little bit.”
She crossed her arms and nodded. “And Uncky Travey.”
Jules made a face like she was trying to not to laugh, and Travis cleared his throat. “Yes.”
Charlotte nodded again and then kissed my cheek. “Love you, bye!”
I shook my head as I stood up and waved. “Bye, love you!”
Jules wa
ved. “Take your time, we are going to have a blast!”
I nodded and then felt Travis’s hand in mine again. I looked at our hands and then up at his face. He looked completely oblivious to my glare, so I slowly took my hand back. That got his attention, because he gave me a slight glare back and then cleared his throat again. “Ready?”
I nodded and then, as I walked down the hall, I was stopped breathless. On my right side, and now staring right at me, was a huge portrait of Charles. Travis stopped. “Thought you should see this.” I nodded as I lightly ran my hand over the engraved plaque. It was him at his graduation from Special Forces training. I know, because I had taken it, and someone had painted it beautifully.
I placed my hand on the cross around my neck, the one Charles gave me, and caught my breath. Travis stayed a few feet back, sensing my need for space this time. Charles’s beautiful green eyes were staring right into my soul, the sun was reflecting off of his face, and his smile was just as breathtaking as it had always been. I had stared at pictures of him time and time again—this exact one many times—but this was the first time that he looked alive again. The painting brought him back to life, just for a moment. The tears pushed at the back of my eyes and I swallowed them back. I glided my hand over the small silver plaque below the painting again as I read it.
Charles Jon Maxwell. November 29,1987 - December 15,2012
Loving Husband, Father, Son, Brother, Soldier and Friend. Brave Warrior of God.
Joshua 1:9, John 15:13
I swallowed back my tears again and then felt a solid hand on my shoulder. I looked back into Travis’s soft eyes. “It’s going to get harder.” I nodded, unable to speak. “We don’t need to do it all today.” He whispered.
I shook my head. “It’s time, Travis.” Our eyes locked, and in that moment it felt like I was talking about more than just this moment, but I wasn’t exactly sure what. Travis nodded and put his hand out to me. I looked into Charles’s painted eyes one last time and then took Travis’s hand.
The hot summer air surrounded me, but luckily today there was light breeze that blew through my hair and kissed my face. It felt like more than just the wind, and I decided I would let myself believe that it was. I closed my eyes and embraced the feeling on my face. As I walked down the dirt path to Charles’s grave, I felt like I traveled back in time to the first and last time I was here. Back to when we brought Charles’s body here almost three years previous. Travis walked behind me a couple of feet and let me walk in silence. I appreciated that, because I was seconds away from spilling my tears.
The cemetery was scattered with crosses and family plots. Large oak trees shaded the graves with their massive branches. I spotted the small, gray stone that I had seen once three years ago and a couple of times on my phone from pictures Travis would send me when he was here. The first time, I had only glanced at it. The other times, I stared at them on my phone for hours until I deleted them. The first time I was still in shock and unable to fully process anything, and after that a picture of it was all I could handle. Now I was face to face with the reality, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Of course it had always been real. I knew my husband was dead. It had been three years. I had carried and delivered our baby girl alone. I had lived alone, and I had come to his hometown to find that he wasn’t here. I had been at his memorial service. They had handed me the folded up flag. I had listened to the rifles go off. Trust me, I knew he was dead. It was real, I knew that, and yet it wasn’t completely real until this moment. Something shifted in my chest, and that pain I had been trying to keep away pulsed through my body. I dropped onto my knees on the bright green grass that covered his grave. Travis stood behind me, and I could feel his body tense. I’m sure he thought I had lost my mind, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything but the fact that my love, my husband, the father of my daughter, my best friend, the man who changed me forever . . . was lying below me.
Just like that, I felt all of it crash over me. Three years of pain, three years of tears and three years of hoping that somehow I was wrong, that somehow everyone was wrong, came down on me. There was no more denying it, there was no more hiding from it. Charles was never coming home. This wasn’t just a long deployment. He was gone. He was gone, and I was alone. The pain shot through my body, and for the first time since the day the two men in uniform knocked on my door, I screamed though my teeth. I laid flat against the grass and put both hands flat on his stone. As waves of tears pulsed through me, I felt a heavy weight on my back and remembered where I was and that Travis was with me. I stopped for only a second to hear him whisper, “It’s okay, Meg, I’m here. Just let it all go.” I nodded into the grass below me and then did just that. Right there on my husband’s grave, I let it all go.
After what seemed like forever, but was probably an hour, I slowly sat up and wiped my face. I reached into my pocket and grabbed the last letter I wrote to my husband. I had written him thousands of these during deployments over the years. I wiped the tear that fell on it and stared at it for only a second before placing it on his gravestone. Travis stood up and then put his hand out for me to take. I stood up and looked into his eyes that seemed to glisten. He smiled lightly at me and took a long pull of a beer.
I quirked my head and then looked back at Charles’s stone to see an open beer on the top. Travis shrugged. “We always had a beer on birthdays . . . since we were eleven.”
I laughed. “Mr. Do-Good did not drink at eleven.”
Travis’s smile turned into a grin. “He did, too. In fact, he stole it from my Uncle.”
I took a deep breath. “I don’t believe that.”
Travis shrugged again. “It’s true.”
It felt good to talk about Charles like this. Like he was important, because he was. He was more important than he could have ever known.
I rolled my lips in and gave Travis a look. “You came here every year to bring him a beer?” I asked.
He licked his lips and shrugged again. “Say hello, Happy Birthday, pay respects, and drink beer . . . yeah.”
I laughed again. “Where’s mine?”
He smiled and then bent down to grab a beer from the six pack next to his feet. “I was hoping you’d be up to it.”
I shrugged and then said what I knew Charles would say about himself: “To the biggest Bad Ass to ever walk this Earth.”
I giggled because curse words flying from my lips felt strange. Charles was a religious man, but he was also a military man and a country boy. Although he tried to watch his mouth around women out of respect, he had a mouth on him, at least when he was at work or fishing. Travis’s lip curled into a smile and he raised his glass. I smiled wide, because I knew Charles would laugh, and then I raised my glass too.
I got a warm tingle down my spine, and the breeze kissed my face again. “To My Charles.” Our glasses clinked, and as I took a long pull of my beer I smiled down at Charles’s happy face on his gravestone. “God, he was something, huh?” I asked and Travis nodded.
I shook my head and took a deep breath. I placed my hands next to Charles’s beer on his gravestone and whispered. “I will always love you. Maybe next time I’ll bring your pretty girl.” A gust of wind made my hair whirl. “But I promise I’ll be back soon. Until next time, my love.” I kissed his headstone and walked back to where Travis was waiting. He was sitting on the tailgate of his truck, and I hopped up and sat next to him. We sat there in peaceful silence, with the hot summer breeze in our faces and the trees swaying as we finished our beers.
Chapter Six
Megan
It had been a long time since I’d gone out. If I was honest with myself, I actually couldn’t remember a time that I had “gone out”. Tonight was the night. I looked in the mirror, smiled at the thought of Charles’s smiling face, and turned up my Taylor Swift. I curled my long, black hair as I swayed my hips slightly to the fun music. Charlotte was staying at Aunt Jules’s tonight, and for the first time ever, I was going to b
e away from her overnight.
A little pain twisted in my stomach at the thought. It was a good thing that I would be out late, because I needed to be distracted from the fact that I wouldn’t see my girl until tomorrow. Emerson and Sarah were picking me up in twenty minutes to go to a new, hip lounge and bar in the next town over. Lincoln was a slightly larger town that was a mix between the country and the suburbs. It had triple the population and triple the things to do in town.
Sarah worked for an event firm, and she had VIP passes for tonight. I finished putting on my makeup and pulled on a cute enough, but conservative, grey tank top. I lifted up the leg of my skinny jeans and slid on silver strappy wedges. As I put on my new, super cute, grey patterned earrings, I looked at myself and a pit formed in my stomach. I was only 27. I needed to go out and have a good time, but I honestly just wanted to stay home with my baby and snuggle her. I just wanted Charles here. He wouldn’t even know this girl. Would he like this girl? The thought of him being disappointed in me made me want to puke, and the thought of talking to other guys or flirting with other guys made my cheeks burn.
I took a deep breath and grabbed my matching clutch purse. I sent Jules a text real quick, checking on Charlotte and making sure she was fine. Before I made it to the light switch, my phone buzzed. I looked down to see a reply from Jules. She’s already asleep! Go have a good night, we will see you downstairs for breakfast.
I sighed as I gave myself a pep talk. Okay, Megan, Charlotte is fine. You need to go be 27. Breathe. Then as I switched the lights off and went to lock the door, my phone buzzed again with a text from Emerson telling me they were here.
I thought “they” meant Sarah and herself, but as I walked down the stairs and was greeted by Travis and his smug smile, I realized I was mistaken. I wasn’t his biggest fan right now. Not after last Sunday. We were doing fine at the cemetery. Then he abruptly left me at Charles’s Bronco, with no goodbye, no anything.