by Hart, A.
Putting others first was her MO. That was the astonishing thing about this woman, she put others before herself, always, and her childhood said that she couldn’t or wouldn’t. Statistically, her childhood said that who she turned out to be, who she was to her core, was impossible. Megan was and had always been a fighter. How could I not be in love with such a person? Someone so full of the love that was powerful enough to make you stronger? To make everyone around them stronger? If only she could see herself from my eyes, if only she could see the miracle that was her soul. I was amazed by her strength, by her beauty inside and out. I loved her more now than I thought I ever could.
I could see in her eyes that she was going to give in to our love. Time would tell. As I began to formulate a plan on how to tell her the secrets that taunted my mind, I hopped out of my truck and glided into the store. I cracked my neck and shook off the anxieties that had been plaguing my mind.
I would tell her everything I needed to and it would be fine. It had to be. This morning was hard. Seeing her like that shot a wave of fear through me that I hadn’t felt in years. The thought of her in danger made my skin burn and my throat start to close. She couldn’t ever have to face anything like she did as a child. I’m sure she would survive it, because that’s who she was, but God, I don’t know if I could. Her pain had a direct line to my heart. I couldn’t bear it, especially not now that I could stop it. Now that she was back in my life, I would protect her in any and all ways that I could.
As I walked up and down the grocery aisles, Megan’s smile haunted me. I couldn’t help but smile too. Her smile is what had gotten me through years of heartache, years of loneliness. I had known Megan for over twenty-two years, and although for eight of them she had been absent, I still knew her. She hadn’t changed in the basic sense of who she was. She may be a widowed wife of a brave soldier, a mother and a teacher, but she was still Megan. As I stated before, she was still selfless. She was still my Pumpkin. She was still a terrible liar, and she still wore her heart on her sleeve. I could read her like I read my favorite books. I could tell that her mumble jumble about just being friends was a load of crap. She wanted me, she just wouldn’t admit it for the same reason she wouldn’t admit it eight years ago. Whatever that was. And now after this morning, I was starting to worry that maybe it had been more than just her insecurities.
As I strolled the aisles of Big Mike’s I thought of my plan to help Megan finally admit her feelings. The way I saw it, I had at least three days until the Sheriff cleared her to be back in her apartment. I told her we would just be friends, and I fully planned on staying true to my word. She was going to be the one to ask for more. It was the only way that stubborn girl was going to come around. I knew the day she left eight years ago that she loved me. Megan was many things, but she wasn’t selfish. She was the exact opposite. Whatever reason she had for saying those things, for leaving me, it was a good one, or at least in her mind it had been. I would have rather faced anything than have lived the last eight years without her. Even if she didn’t love me and we stayed friends, I would have preferred that any day. She had become a part of my family and when everyone else died, that connection between Megan and me became stronger.
I was looking for something kid-friendly to add to my freezer when I ran into Travis. Literally, my cart hit his. “Sorry, excuse—” His words were cut off when he saw it was me.
“Hey, man,” I said.
He shifted his weight a little and smiled. It was a little fake, but I appreciated the effort. “Hey, Sawyer.”
I decided that he needed to know about what happened this morning. Maybe he could fill Cal in, too. “Hey, I need to talk to you. You free for lunch?”
Travis grinned. “You asking me on a date, Sawyer? Because my type is shorter, blonde and female . . . ”
I grinned and raised my brows, thinking of Sarah. “Is it, now?”
He huffed and then pointed at me. “Shut up.”
I put my hands up in defense. “No judgment.”
Travis laughed. “Yeah, I’m free. What’s up?”
I cracked my neck, hoping I was doing the right thing. “It’s about Meg . . . I’m worried.”
He stiffened and then nodded. “Shit. Yeah, okay. Ed’s Place? Noon?”
I shook his hand. “Sounds good, man.” He shook mine back and nodded. He headed to the cash register and I continued my search for the perfect meal for my perfect girls.
Chapter Twenty-One
Sawyer
A couple of hours later, I had dropped the groceries off at my house and let Chase run around with Buck. I was now sitting at the local bar and restaurant, Ed’s Place. Travis said to meet him here at noon, and I was few minutes early. I looked up and noticed Travis walk in. I waved over to him and he strode up. He sat down quickly and then motioned to the bar.
A short, plump lady came over. “Travis, Honey, what can I get you?”
He smiled. “Hey, Wanda, I’ll have a coke.” She nodded and went back to the bar.
I took a sip of my water and Wanda reappeared with Travis’s drink. “Thank you.”
Wanda smiled wide “You’re welcome, Dear. Now, you two ready to order?”
Travis smiled. “Yeah, I’ll get your famous pulled pork sandwich with fries.”
She looked over at me and I smiled. “I’ll have the same.”
She nodded. “Okay then.”
Travis dropped his smile as he looked over at me. “I heard about this morning at Meg’s just a minute ago. She call you?”
I shrugged. “Texted me, didn’t want to call because someone was in the apartment.”
Travis wiped his hand down his face. “Shit.” I nodded.
If only he knew the extent of how traumatizing it was for Megan. She hadn’t told me, but I was sure she’d told no one about her past yet. I was sure that she tried to pretend it never happened. Maybe that was why she left, maybe I was part of the past she tried to forget.
Travis cleared his throat and then spoke slowly. “So the girls can’t stay there.”
I nodded. “They’re staying with me for a few nights.”
Travis almost choked on his soda. “I’m sorry, what?!” I just glared at him. Travis shook his head and leaned forward, a little less friendly than he had been. “Dude, you seem cool and all, so don’t take this personally, but . . . over my dead body . . . you waltz into town, start making Meg act like some other person, and then someone breaks into her apartment, and you want her to stay with you? With my niece?”
I ignored Travis’s words and took a deep breath, willing myself to be patient. “You know the story, Travis, I told Cal and you the other day. Megan is family, she always will be. There are a lot of things, important things, that you don’t know. I’m pretty sure no one but Meg and I know.” Travis sighed and took another drink. He needed to know just a little of what might be happening. I sighed and then huffed out, “Megan had a rough childhood, like a scary awful childhood . . . then right after she turned 18, she left me, out of the blue. It was strange behavior for her, Travis, and now this happens . . . ”
I paused, and Travis’s face went serious. “What are you saying?”
I shrugged. “I’m saying that I hope to God that the reason she ran away almost a decade ago and the reason someone broke in today are not related, and because I haven’t been around, I don’t know if things like this have happened before.”
Travis looked like he was thinking for a minute and shook his head. “Nah, man, I can’t think of anything.”
I nodded. “Good.”
Travis shook his head and then smiled weakly. “About tonight . . . like I said, I like you, man, but just as Cal and I told you the other night, if you hurt her, if you do anything to upset her, I will tear you apart and I will make your life hell. That goes for Cal, too.”
I laughed. “You have nothing to worry about. I was her guard dog for thirteen years. I’m not going to stop now.” He tilted his head at my words and then, after a moment, nodd
ed.
I hoped that meant that he understood. Time would tell, I guess. Today was not the time, but I would make sure he knew my full intentions soon. I took a deep breath, not allowing my mind to go there yet. Travis and I ate our food and talked about fishing and my job and him starting the police academy. I was thankful for the light conversation. I was starting to feel like maybe we could be real friends.
Megan
I drove further down the country road towards Sawyer’s house amidst a mental battle with myself. I thought about Charles and a twinge of guilt shot through me. I loved Charles, I loved him with all I had, yet I had always loved Sawyer through it all. Even while loving Charles, I had loved Sawyer. It wasn’t like I didn’t try not to. Heck, I didn’t even think about him often, it was more like I couldn’t stop. It was like he was forever a part of me. At this current moment, my heart was still split in two. I loved Charles with all my heart, and yet, I loved Sawyer the same. Was that even possible? Could you love two people that much? I had heard of love triangles. I had been obsessed with Twilight when it came out, for goodness’ sake. But this wasn’t a love triangle, at least not a traditional one.
Now that Sawyer was back in my life and, from as much as I could tell, was sticking around, I was struggling. Although I no longer had a dirty, drunk, mom-mooching loser threatening us, there were still plenty of reasons why I couldn’t be with him. The first one was sitting in the back seat so preciously singing. Charlotte was my precious gift from God, the one thing he left of Charles for me. I wanted her to grow up knowing of her birth father and the love he had for her. The love I had for him. How would that work with Sawyer? Would anyone believe that I loved Charles as much as I did? Would she?
The second reason was the one that I had been struggling with since first grade. I was damaged. Worse than that, Sawyer knew how, he had witnessed it all. He had been the only person to witness it all.
Third, I was utterly and completely broken from Charles’s death. Sawyer deserved so much better than three very good reasons why it was selfish of me to be with him. He needed someone whole and completely available. Someone whose heart was not torn between him and their deceased husband.
I sighed as I turned down a long dirt driveway. I would be friends with Sawyer and live alone with my daughter. I would be the best Mom possible and fill my little girl’s life with loved ones and memories of her father. Sawyer could be a part of that, and I would have to become okay with him moving on. I would not make the mistake of pushing him out of my life again. I felt whole again with him around. It was a feeling I wanted to keep. I was still broken, but with him near, it felt like I was at least glued back together.
The next couple of days were going to test my willpower. I would have to work very hard to make it clear that we would only be friends, and I would have to fight myself as well. I pulled up to Sawyer’s ranch-style home and took a long, deep breath. Charlotte realized that we arrived at our destination and began clapping her hands. I laughed and hopped out of the Bronco. I noticed Sawyer standing on the deck of his house and waved. He waved back and then, followed by his dog, Chase, he began walking down to us. I unbuckled Charlotte, and the second her tiny little feet hit the ground, she was off. I looked around and noticed Sawyer had a good amount of land.
You could see other houses, but just barely. The sun was close to going down but still hovered over the hills. Sawyer walked up with his hands in his pockets as Charlotte ran up to him. Her blonde curls bounced as she ran towards him. Sawyer got on one knee and allowed her to run straight into his arms. The picture of the two of them embraced like that, with wide smiles on their faces, caused a pain that was both unfamiliar and unwelcomed. I swallowed hard and tried to calm my heart as he stood, holding my daughter, and walked towards me. Chase jumped up and down, trying to lick Charlotte, and that made her laugh. “Puppy, puppy!” She had never met Chase, yet she seemed to like him. She had only met Sawyer a couple of times, yet she already adored him. It wasn’t a surprise. Sawyer had that effect on girls, he had that effect on everyone. Heck, he had that effect on me.
Charlotte held tight around Sawyer’s neck as he approached me. Chase came up to me, so I lowered my hand and rubbed his nose. “Hi there, boy.” He rubbed up against my leg in approval and I smiled. “Hey.”
Sawyer smiled wider and said, “Hey there, I’ll get your bags.” I nodded and opened the window to my trunk. Sawyer put Charlotte down so he could grab the two duffle bags I had placed in the back. Charlotte proceeded to run around saying she was a “horsie.”
Sawyer laughed. “I have a horsie. It’s getting late, so maybe we can ride him tomorrow, but would you like to pet him?”
Charlotte followed after Sawyer, clapping her hands, her princess backpack bouncing up and down on her back. “Yay, Yay!” she said, and Chase followed her.
I snorted and shook my head. “She got to ride a pony this morning, so she is getting spoiled.”
Sawyer turned around briefly as he walked. “You can never have too many animals in your day, Megan. Let’s put these bags down, and I need to check on dinner, and then we will go say hi to Buck.” At the sound of his friend’s name, Chase barked, and with a smile, I nodded.
“Sounds like a plan.”
As Charlotte and I followed Sawyer into his home hand in hand, I noticed that it was still pretty bare. “Hey, did you just move in, SJ?”
He laughed as he placed the bags on the floor beside a couch. “Uh, no. Been here two years, just don’t have the time . . . or the care, I guess, to decorate.”
I rolled my lips in and nodded. I looked over to see Charlotte already sitting on the floor, her backpack opened wide, her princess dolls scattered. At least they added some color to the house, because Sawyer was really liking the neutral tones. Nothing wrong with that. It was all just so boring, which I had never considered Sawyer. He wasn’t wild or a rule breaker, but he had always been lighthearted and fun. The house just didn’t quite feel like him. Sawyer was always so warm and his house, although it didn’t feel cold . . . it felt very empty. Then my eyes landed on something familiar that sat on his shelf, and my heart dropped. It was a mason jar filled to the top with purple, white and gray shells. One that I had filled as a child with only my favorite shells from each trip to the beach.
As Charlotte ran around the house and I stared at the jar of shells, I felt Sawyer’s eyes on me. I turned to see him looking right into my soul, and my body stilled. He walked closer and then, when he was close enough to whisper, he grabbed the jar and handed it to me. “Thought you might want them one day, but uh . . . mostly, I liked having a piece of you everywhere I went.”
I inspected the jar and smiled sweetly. The emotions his words and his actions made me feel were beautiful and painful all at once. I swallowed hard and nodded, trying not to let any tears slip. I gently set the jar back on the shelf and then, because I couldn’t speak, I simply kissed Sawyer gently on the cheek. He smiled lightly at me then cleared his throat.
Chase followed Charlotte around while Sawyer motioned around the open living area. It had two couches, a large TV, a coffee table and a dining room area behind it. “This is pretty much it. Down the hall are the bedrooms and my office. There is a bathroom in between the two guest beds that has joining doors. I hope it will work well for y’all.”
I laughed. It was the first time I’d heard Sawyer’s southern drawl come out. He was like me and never really had a heavy accent, however there were words and phrases that we naturally used, that proclaimed us as southerners.
Sawyer furrowed his brows at me. “What, Pumpkin?”
I snorted and decided to throw a phrase that slipped out on occasion back at him. “Might-could work for us.”
After I winked at him, Sawyer chuckled and then opened the oven to check on dinner. “Ha-ha. Yeah, I can’t hide it all the time, you know, not that I try. It just comes and goes.”
I smiled as our eyes connected and his words hit me. It wasn’t that my feelings for him cam
e and went. It was that my willpower to keep him as only a friend did. I was hot and cold every few minutes since I’d seen him in the bar. Standing here in his kitchen, with Charlotte playing with her toys on the wood floor and him cooking dinner . . . it all felt too real, too right. It felt easy, like this could be real, like we could be together and happy. I shook my head and hoped that the thought would shake out as well.
“Anyway, it will work great, thank you so much for letting us stay here for a couple of days.” SJ walked over and lightly grabbed my hand. I didn’t pull it away, but I also didn’t grab it back.
His lips turned up into a slight smile that was dangerously charming and he winked. “My pleasure. Anyway, dinner has about fifteen more minutes. Lotte, how about going to pet my horse, Buck?”
Hearing her name, she jumped up and down and then threw down her Cinderella doll, which Chase then sniffed. “Yeah!” I laughed and followed the pair to the door.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Sawyer
We had spent about ten minutes outside petting Buck before the sun started to recede down the hill, and we headed back inside. It was fall and so it was still slightly warm outside, but it cooled down at night. The fireplace worked really well to warm up the living space to the perfect temperature at night.