"No, not sick." I plopped my head back down on my arms and buried my face within.
"You look sick."
I turned my head to look at him. That actually made my lips twitch. It was my first real smile since yesterday. "Thanks a lot."
"Any time." He really looked at me now. "Seriously, you okay?"
"Yeah, Leif and I…I…" I couldn't go on from there as my throat clogged up with emotion. You would have thought I had gotten it all out of my system last night, but then you would be wrong, because there it was, right on the edge of spilling out all over again.
"Oh." I didn't blame Ben for not having anything to say. Apologies always seemed unnecessary, and asking what happened seemed rude and intrusive.
Mrs. Hall came in to start class, ending our discussion for the time being. "Everyone get out your books. I would like to go over chapters six and seven from your weekend reading."
I dug out my tattered book and sat back to pretend to pay attention. Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter was never going to end. You would think everyone could just read a book without having to dissect every word for political or social meaning. We had been reading and reviewing this book for over two weeks now.
~ * ~
By the time third period came around, Tara had already heard about Leif. "What the heck happened?" Tara had no problems being intrusive, which I didn't really mind, if only I knew what to tell her.
"He's a liar and a jerk, that's what happened." Thankfully, that was all she needed to hear to hop onto my side and agree that he was a butt of the first order. Have I said how much I like Tara? That's what friends are for and so what I needed.
"Hey, can I sit with you at lunch? I usually meet Leif in the courtyard, but…"
"Of course you can, you don't even have to ask, silly. Meet me at your locker. I'll wait for you there."
Fourth period was a trial. Steve Connor was in Phys. Ed with me. He was getting great joy out of egging me on. It was volleyball season. I happen to be very good at volleyball. In this case, it gave me an opportunity to get some of my aggression out when it was my turn to serve. Poor Steve. His head was one of my targets, and I aimed at it as often as I could get away with. Too bad he was on my team.
Tara and I walked into lunch and went through the line. I was feeling sorry for myself by then. Leif always brought me lunch. I shook myself out of that train of thought right away and I settled for a soda. My stomach felt queasy. I wasn't hungry. I had to walk by the door to the courtyard on my way to the lunch table. I tried really hard not to look outside, but I couldn't resist.
I looked out into the now dead-looking, barren courtyard. The trees were empty of leaves. The fall mums that had once been full and beautiful yellow were either dying or already dead, leaving their brown corpses as the only evidence of what they once had been. What I didn't see was Leif out there waiting for me. I was strangely disappointed. I swallowed down emotions yet again and sat down at the table with a deep sigh. I tried to pay attention to the talk and gossip going on around me. Steve was saying that it was a good thing I wasn't on the volleyball team, as I stunk. Ha! If he only knew that I was really very good. He would probably just be mad. I had beaned him at least three times right on his head. It was mean, I know, but I think he and his brother Shawn deserved some payback. They were always pestering someone, especially me. I just wasn't in the mood to put up with it that day. Plus, it made me feel just a little bit better.
My eyes kept betraying me. They strayed time and time again toward the doors to outside. I knew he wasn't out there, but I was hoping to catch a glimpse of him all the same. Just one little look. I sighed again. I couldn't help it. I leaned back in my chair and slouched down, trying to blend into the room as much as possible. I didn't feel like being a part of the conversation anyway.
Out of the blue, I felt the softest comforting caress down the side of my arm. I stiffened and looked around. No one was there. Well, no one I could see, anyway. The caress drifted over my arm again. It felt so nice. My body warmed and my heart melted just a bit. I knew that caress. It was Leif. I wanted to put my hand over his, but I didn't. I pretended he wasn't there. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Instead, I jumped up, startling everyone at the table, and said, "I forgot something. Tara, see you in history." I was off and down the empty hall before anyone could reply.
"Sunny…"
"Stop it!" I whispered furiously, whirling around to face Leif, only it was still just an empty hall. I knew he was there. I felt him there in the shadows. If anyone noticed me, they would think I was losing my mind and talking to myself. "Go away." I turned and sprinted down the hall to my sixth period history class.
By eighth period, I was beat. I kept looking over my shoulder, waiting for Leif to pop up again. He never did. The waiting and the wondering was killing me. I was constantly on guard and at attention, just waiting.
"Hey, Sunny."
"Hey, Ben." Aside from lunch, this was the only other class I had with Ben, other than American Lit.
"So, I was thinking…"
"Okay." I wasn't really paying too much attention to Ben. I was trying to edit a composition that was due by the end of the class.
"Well, see, since you don't have a date for Homecoming now, and I don't have anyone to go with either, I thought maybe we could go together. Whadya think?"
That got my attention. I looked up at Ben intently. Easy Ben, with the soft brown eyes, was asking me to Homecoming. Well, I did have a dress. I made an instant decision. "You know what, that would be great. I would love to."
I suddenly felt a cool unseen hand clamp down over my upper arm with just enough pressure that I knew someone was not happy. Leif. I guess he didn't like the idea of me going to homecoming with someone else, even sweet Ben. I tried to shrug him off, but he just held stubbornly onto my arm, letting me know he was still there.
Ben seemed oblivious to my situation. He just gave me the biggest smile and said, "Great, I'll pick you up at seven…unless you want to get dinner first, then I should pick you up earlier."
"Seven is fine." I again tried unsuccessfully to shove Leif off.
"Does your neck hurt?" Ben asked.
That one confused me. "No, why?"
"Because you keep stretching it like maybe it hurts or something. You want me to rub it? It may just be a tight muscle or something. I get them all the time playing football."
"No! It's, ah, fine. Really." I hurriedly put my hand on his shoulder to hold him off. I could see him reaching out and discovering an invisible hand wrapped around my arm. Yeah, that would go over well. I could just see trying to explain that one.
I didn't try to shrug Leif off again. I pretended he wasn't there. After a while his hand gentled and rested easily on me. It was just a whisper of skin to skin. When the class ended, the touch lifted from my arm and was gone.
I knew he was still right there, following behind me: when I stopped at my locker, when I was saying bye to my friends, and when I started my walk home. I had reached a quiet stretch of the block when Leif phased out of the shadows. I didn't think, I just phased right into them and walked calmly home. Childish, maybe, but I'd had enough of his bullying tactics for one day.
"You have to talk to me sometime." I heard him say. He might be right, but it didn't have to be today. I was happy to note his color was intertwined with dark blue today. Good. Let him be upset too. It seemed only fair. I got to the house, closed and securely locked the door and Leif out.
That was how my week progressed. Every moment I anticipated what Leif would do next. Whether it was the invisible caress or a brush against my cheek, he was tormenting me. I know he knew exactly what he was doing to me. The only real respite I had was at night when I was in my room with the door and window locked.
I wasn't sleeping well, though. I missed having Leif's warm body next to mine. His scent was still on my pillows. I couldn't make myself send them down to be washed. It was one small comfort I was not ready to give up.
>
By Friday I was completely and totally worn out, and I looked it too. I tried to cover up the dark circles under my eyes with makeup, but I still looked like hell. You can't cover up sadness.
I was daydreaming my way through lunch when I felt something in the air. I knew Leif was close. I tried to prepare myself for the onslaught of emotions and feelings that would inevitably come. Even knowing he was on his way, I was still unprepared for the gentlest caress on my bottom lip, followed by Leif's warm breath against my face. I flinched away from him. That was playing dirty and unfair. "Don't!" I shouted. The entire table full of people stilled and looked at me with wide eyes.
"Ahh…sorry, bug," I said, looking around the table at large. Shawn and Steve were looking at me like I was loony, which at this point I would have agreed with them. Leif was making me absolutely crazy!
The rest of the day was a waste. Everyone was talking about the game that night and the dance the next day. I wasn't going to the game, which made Ben quite unhappy. I was just so tired. I didn't want to be out in the open for Leif and his gang to surprise me. I was nervous enough about the dance tomorrow. Why had I said yes in the first place? What had I been thinking?
Tara, Chris, and Ben were all gathered around my locker at the end of the day. It was decided that Chris and Ben would pick both Tara and me up at my house at seven. Tara was going to get ready at my house. I halfway thought this might be to make sure I didn't bail out at the last moment, which, I have to say, was in the back of my mind. I didn't really feel like going to a dance anymore, but when I saw how excited Ben was, I couldn't not go.
Friday was the longest night. I kept waking up throughout the night, thinking someone was in my room, but I didn't see anyone in or out of the shadows. I could feel them there though, somewhere, watching me. It was creeping me out. I finally just turned on the light and fell back into a restless sleep.
I was able to sleep in on Saturday morning and felt a bit more with it when I finally got out of bed around noon. It was still going to take quite a bit of work to look decent for the dance. Oh, why had I said I would go?
Tara came over at four to start getting ready, and by seven o'clock, I must admit, we both looked great. Tara wore a knee-length red velvet dress that tucked in all the right places and smoothed out all the others. She wore her hair up in a messy bun with shimmering jewels that I had helped her wind in. She had matching sleek high heels that made her legs look like they went on forever. As her friend, I can tell you, she looked hot. I was happy for her.
Me, I did happen to have a great dress. It was a white slip dress with an empire waist that fell to my upper thigh. It was a bit short, but not too short. The dress was stylish. It had fake daisies attached to the slip dress and over top was an off-white sheer layer. I had my own set of heels to match. My hair was down in a cloud of yellow waves. The only adornment was a real daisy top I had clipped in to help hold my hair out of my face.
I knew we looked good when Chris and Ben stared open mouthed at us as we came down the stairs in true date fashion. My mom and dad took loads of pictures and sent us off with a wave and a ten-dollar bill stashed in my shoe "just in case." Tara got a kick out of that as she had a twenty of her own in her bra from her mom.
The gym where the dance was being held had never looked so pretty. In the dimmed light, everything sparkled and glittered. There were enough tissue-paper flowers, twinkling lights, and stars to make it look less like a high school gym and more like a garden party. The decoration committee did a spectacular job on the room.
Music was already playing by a deejay, set up in a booth up on the stage. There were several people dancing. There was a photo station set up in the corner with a flowered trellis and balloons, back dropped in silver shimmery material. The dance had officially begun.
"You really do look great," Ben said. "Did I tell you that yet?" Only about ten times, but it was nice to hear anyway. "So, should we have a picture done to commemorate our first date?"
The date remark made me feel a bit funny. I hadn't really thought of this as a date. It was more like two friends going out to have a good time. I smiled at him nonetheless and said, "Sure."
Ben led me over to the line waiting to have their picture done. Shawn and Steve were both there and, surprise to me, they actually had dates. I didn't think that was possible. I was introduced to their dates, both freshmen, Sara and Stacy. Yeah, I know, the "s" thing is weird. The girls were visibly excited. "Don't you just love being in high school," they chattered. "It's like so much better than middle school. The dances here are so cool. Plus you have so much more…"
I tuned them out after that. Geez, I can't imagine I was ever that young. Ben gave me his own look of amusement at the silly girls. When it was our turn, the photographer posed us up, encircling each other's waists and leaning in toward the other. It depicted love. I just wasn't feeling it. I felt silly pretending for the picture, but I smiled big for Ben's sake and was instantly blinded by the flash.
"C'mon, let's dance." Ben grabbed my hand and dragged me with him to join Tara and Chris, Steve and Shawn, and Sara and Stacy. Our group kept getting bigger with the addition of the freshman girls. The music was fast and loud. Everyone was laughing and happy, but I felt like a fake. I wasn't happy, I didn't feel like laughing, but I put on a good show for everyone else. They didn't need my sadness to ruin their night.
The music turned slow and all the couples paired off. Ben reached for me and pulled me in close. It was supposed to be sweet and romantic, but all that was going through my head was, nope, not feeling it. I wanted Leif.
Ben was a good dancer. My toes were not once trampled upon. He was smooth and nice, that was the problem. Ben was nice. Ben was my friend, and I didn't want to hurt him by letting him think I could be something I wasn't.
I was so lost in my own thoughts I didn't realize for a moment that Ben had stopped dancing and was staring unhappily over my shoulder. When I turned around, there was Leif, dressed to kill. His long silky hair was tied back from his face, giving me a glimpse of a glittering stone in his ear. I hadn't realized he had a piercing there until then.
"May I have this dance?" he said formally to Ben. Leif then looked at me and said, "Just this one."
Ben looked to me also. I could tell he didn't want to say yes. I didn't know what I wanted. I just shrugged. Ben pointed over to the chairs lined against one wall and said, "One dance. I'll be right over there."
Leif didn't waste one moment. He swept me in, pulling me in as close as our skin would allow. I felt like I was coming alive. I was coming home. I heard and felt him breathe me in. "This is our song. Do you remember?"
Truthfully, I hadn't even heard the music until he called my attention to it. I was in bliss just being back in his arms. Where I felt nothing in the arms of Ben, I felt everything in Leif's. "Leif…"
"Just listen. Just hold me." He squeezed me tighter in his arms and it felt so good to be there, I didn't want it to end. So, I wrapped my arms around his neck and enjoyed the moment. He was right. The song was from our one and only other dance in the bar on the square. The first time we kissed. This was our song.
I took in his scent. It was Leif, pine, woods, and man. I missed him. We weren't really dancing anymore. We were just holding each other. Swaying to our song. The music swirled around us in the dim room and everything else slid away, except for Leif. He leaned in and brushed a kiss against my lips. Then, as if sensing my desire he gave me another. He was more demanding this time, needing my participation, which I gave without thought to the others around us. My eyes pricked with emotion. I didn't want to let him go.
Our song ended too soon, as did our dance. He looked down at me with eyes that were not cold, eyes that were not hard, and said, "Leave your window open tonight for me? Please?"
My mom's words from Monday about giving him a chance to set things right floated through my head. I saw Ben making his way toward us. He still hadn't lost his pinched looked of unhappiness. Poor Ben, this
was not going to be easy for him. I looked back to Leif, my Leif, and made my decision. I jumped into the cold water of life and said, "Alright."
I watched as Leif gave a wink to Tara, who smiled mischievously back him. I think Tara, playing matchmaker, might have set me up, but I couldn't find any anger in me over her interference. In fact, I felt like running up to her to give her a hug of gratitude.
Leif gave me one last squeeze and left the gym. I knew because I didn't look away until he was gone. I finally turned around to face Ben standing next to me, looking a bit angry. This was not going to be good.
I impulsively hugged Ben and said, "Thank you for being such a great friend. I don't know what I would have done without you this week. Plus, you asked me to this dance when I know you had other girls you would have liked to have asked. You are one of my best friends, thank you."
I was watching his facial expression to see if my glowing gratitude was too much. I was trying to pump up his ego, while letting him know I was his friend and only his friend. I wasn't sure it was working until his grouchy face changed to a more even look and his soft grin was showing at the corners of his mouth. Then he shook his head at me and said, "Yeah, well, you remember this the next time I get my heart broken. You will have to step up and do the pity date for me.
"Pity date?" I said in mock horror, eyes wide. Yes! We were back on firm footing.
That got the chuckle from Ben that I had been looking for. "C'mon," he said, "let's show these guys how to dance." I was feeling so much lighter and happier. I enjoyed the rest of the night. Every time I caught Tara's eye, she just gave me a knowing look of "you owe me one" and then went back to schmoozing with Chris. It was nice.
By the end of the night, I was still energized. It was almost midnight by the time Ben dropped me off. Being the gentleman that he is, he walked me up to my door. After I unlocked the door I turned and said, "Goodnight, Ben, thanks for everything." I smiled at him, as I was really just happy in general. Plus, I knew Leif would be coming soon.
Shadow Dancer Boxed Set Page 10