by Tim Bradford
sports car 73
Reinhardt, Django 172
Rex the dog 162
Richard, Cliff 36
Riverdance 170
Rivers, Bartholomew 275
Rix, Brian 18
roads 153–8
road deaths 158
Rolleston, TW 210
Romans 199
Ropewalk 173
Rothman’s Football Yearbook 189
Rowland, Kevin 172
Ruey 73, 144
Rum, Sodomy and the Lash 2
Ryan Air 102–3
Ryan’s Daughter 160, 166
Saatchi, Charles 192
St. Patrick’s Day 166
Scandinavian backpackers 136
Scandinavian tourists 161, 168, 171, 178, 181
Scotty 244
sea urchin boogie policeman 95
Seahorse, The (Tramore) 275
seaweed 277
Secombe, Harry 173
‘Second Fiddle’ 227
second worst road in Ireland 95
‘Send Me the Pillow You Dream On’ 227
Setanta 135
sex 6, 39, 285
sex with a goose 192, 195
shag 47
shag and an acid tab, a 47
Shaggy the dog 162, 285
shamrock 246
Shankley, Bill 141, 174
Shannon, Sharon 55, 116
Shatner, William 214
Shepherds Bush 23
Shibboleth (Donaghy) 165
shitfaced drunk 63
short – haired trendy buggers 74
Singing Leprechaun Liberation Front 282
Sinn Féin 20
skinheads 78, 112
skinny blonde girls in jeans 82
Sligo 174, 208–232
Sligo Dog Spirit 221
Smalley, Mark 189–90
Snake 127
snow dome leprechauns 246
Son Volt 41
speccy internet bloke 166
Special Brew 186
Spinners, The 173, 178
Star Trek 82
Starsky & Hutch 92
Stiles, Nobby 189
Strangers on a Train 184
Streep, Meryl 120, 196
Strummer, Joe 176, 282
Subteranneans, The 163
Sullivan, Mark 126
Superquinns sausages 26–7
Swansea-Cork ferry 36
Sweeney, The 175
swirly patterns 135
Tallaght (Dublin) 49–50
Tara (County Meath) 134, 139
Tayto 26
Ted 241–43, 245
telepathy and ‘special’ mind powers 36
Temple Bar (Dublin) 51, 73, 78
Terry 17–19, 33–37, 49, 188
Teutonic biker chic 135
Texas 267
Thatcher, Margaret 285
Day The Earth Stood Still, The 182
Thompson, Hunter S. 36
Thurles (Co. Tippererary) 115
Tiger, Celtic 24, 45, 88
Tippererary 120–127
Tir na nóg 169
Toby 244
Tog 36
Tolly 4x 189
tombola 20
Tone, Wolfe 81
Topical Times football annual 190
tractor/pheasant connection 155, 158
tractors 61, 106, 155–6
trains 118–121
Tramore (County Waterford) 139, 273–282
tramps 15–16
Trevor, William 281
Trim (County Meath) 137
Trinity College (Dublin) 162
Trumpton 174
Tuatha de Danaan 89, 123
Tufnell Park 232
Turner, Martyn 191
TV 230, 233, 239–40, 246
tweed 247
twiddlieidiesleee 21
u2 27, 79, 88, 176
u Boat 212
UCD 162
UEA 164
Ulster 47
Ulysses (Joyce) 21, 112, 163
unfit brickies 11
Union Jack 235
United Irishmen 131
universe, the 55, 127
USA 246
Usual Suspects, The 242
Uther Pendragon 169
Vauxhall Corsa 13, 14, 25, 38, 51, 95, 99, 266–72, 273
Van Zandt, Townes 41
Vikings 73, 74, 76, 77, 102, 113, 266, 282
Village People 97
Velvet Underground 174
village idiots 195
Venglos, Josef 203
Venezuela 209
Waiting for Godot (Beckett)220
Waits, Tom 244
Wales 282
Walking with Wainwright (Wainwright) 213
Walthamstow xiii, 23
Waterford 27, 63, 122, 139, 282
Waterford Crystal 279–80
Welch, Raquel 46
West Ham FC 25
West Midlands 41
Westway 277
Wexford 128
whack-fol-de-daddio 170
Whelan, Ronnie 143
‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling’ 19, 21, 36–38, 46, 49, 80, 96, 103, 282
When Saturday Comes (cult football mag) 70, 72
When Saturday Comes (crap film) 70
Wickham Park 85
wild-haired colleens 72
Wilde, Oscar 189
William of Orange T-shirt 238
Wish You Were Here 70
Wobble, Jah 176
Woman in White, The (Collins) 75
World Cup 6, 44, 56, 87, 145, 274
worst road in Ireland 95
Yamaha 50cc motorcycles 67
Yeats;
Jack B. 81;
Ron 82, 174;
WB 54, 119, 135, 188, 209, 221, 222–235
Yellow Submarine 34
Youghal (County Cork) 266–272
Zag 54
Zig 54
ZZ Top 135
Solutions
ACROSS
1. Waterford
6. Garda
9. Lapse
10. Agnostics
11. Stereogram
12. Anti
14. Dearths
15. Kildare
17. Boycott
19. Iron Gut
20. Ivan
22. Father Jack
25. Broadloom
26. Prawn
27. Yeats
28. Moneyless
DOWN
1. Wales
2. Tipperary
3. Re-election
4. Oranges
5. Dundalk
6. Gist
7. Reign
8. Abstinent
13. Oleography
14. Dublin Bay
16. Aggravate
18. Tearoom
19. Inhuman
21. Avoca
23. Kings
24. Odds
Acknowledgements
To start with, I have to thank Annie, the real traveller, for years of encouragement and belief (even when I lived in Walthamstow), and without whom none of this would have happened.
Next, at the risk of coming over all Tom Hanksish, there are countless others who’ve helped me along the way. I’d like to thank various people in Ireland for their hospitality and help – Deidre, Rachel, Jackie, Bernie, Ted, Declan and the gang, Sarah for her knowledge of ‘culture’, The Balinteer-St Johns women’s Gaelic Football team for showing me the benefits of dedication and strong thighs, Arthur Guinness for a clever invention, Michael for his knowledge of hurling, Marie McCraith for advice, Ronnie Matthews for his time, Tom Matthews (no relation) for his art, Seamus McGonagle (even if it’s probably not his real name) for being there red faced and plastered that day in Dublin back in ’88. Thanks to Bill and Helen for putting me up (and up with me) for so many years. And also to those who preferred not to be mentioned (whether for tax, moral or emotional reasons) – thanks anyway.
Closer to home: thanks to Terry for an overall creative vibe and telepathic transference of id
eas (and the crossword), Pat, also for the crossword, Sarah, Lady Blathery, for help with Irish pubs, Spizz and Karen for feeding me as I strained to finish the first draft, Ian Plenderleith for years of inspiration and for words of encouragement at crucial times, my parents Rhona and Tony for setting me on my way (and Tone for passing on his great knowledge of Irish accents over the years), my brothers Toby and Matt (Snake) for travels we’ve shared, Dom and Seth Weir and Jo Ackerman for the all-important Finty & Rollo project, Brendan for putting it all in perspective, Alan Marshall, Jane Rylands-Bolton, Rob Conybeare, Julie Taylor, Gordon Thorburn, Justin Mullins and Michael Donaghy for coaching and guidance over the years, Tony Davis for making me look like an alcoholic U-Boat captain, Rich for the lend of the coat, Elaine in Paris for help and advice, Philip Gwyn Jones for his belief, Georgina Laycock for her help (and her interesting name), Richard Hawkes, an early cartoon patron, Mike O’Donnell from the Institute of Celtic Studies. I am ever grateful to Andy Lyons and Doug Cheeseman at When Saturday Comes for continuing to give me bits of work even while I was off on my travels. Plus all my friends – genuine Irish and Irish by osmosis – who threw ideas my way over the years.
To Cindy for her love and support and for picking me up at the lowest points and washing the ink off my hands. And finally, thanks to Cathleen, for getting me up in the mornings and helping me realise that the rest of it is just ‘stuff’.
About the Author
Tim Bradford was born and brought up in Lincolnshire. He studied at the University of East Anglia and has lived in London since 1988. A large proportion of his adult life has been spent drawing players with very short legs for the football magazine When Saturday Comes. He has fused together a philosophy of life based around Epicurian socialism, astral projection, bacon sandwiches, Victorian domestic architecture, Leeds United, traditional brewing practices and country music.
www.timbradford.com
Praise
More from the reviews:
‘An irreverent and funny book which will have you laughing into your Guinness’
What’s On
‘The title is taken from a chance encounter at Camden tube station with a man whose death has been greatly exaggerated and yet fervently expected. This tempts Bradford into making an odyssey of sorts around Ireland. A book like this could so easily slip into whimsy, but Bradford’s book is good-humoured, clever and well written. He takes on Ireland on its own terms, never patronises nor indulges his subject matter. He breaks Ireland up into imaginary zones. Dublin is Viking Town, the Midlands, for reasons best known to the author, is Orange County; the south is Maryland after the moving statues at Ballinspittle. The book is interspersed with animations, which will make you laugh out loud – like the map of Ireland depicting areas of heavy rainfall – the entire island, of course. It’s worth buying for his hilarious and accurate descriptions of Oirish theme pubs alone. Enjoy.’
ri-ra
‘Determinedly and flatulently funny.’
Irish Bookseller
‘Bradford sets himself up as a cod Kerouac and his ambitious and spumily garrulous, itinerary takes in the mystical garages of Youghal, the Curragh of Kildare, a cultural tour with a female Gaelic footballer and a spot of sticking out the thumb with the spottiest hitchhiker in Europe. Much of quintessential Ireland, of course, isn’t in Ireland, and Bradford does the Kentish Town and Kilburn pub crawl too.’
Glasgow Herald
‘Okay, before we go any further, it’s honesty time: do you know who Shane MacGowan is? If you do, you may well love this bizarre book. If you don’t – or if you think that a Pogue might be an outsize bouncy ball or some sort of Irish potato pancake – then this might be for you but only if you are in the mood to expand your range of cultural references … The real reason for Bradford’s journey is a desire to drink large amounts of Guinness, kiss the Blarney stone – and any passing female – to put his finger on the essence of Irishness and live to tell the tale. (As, indeed, has Shane MacGowan. Just.)… There are plenty of reasons to read Is Shane MacGowan Still Alive? He’s funny, for a start and his love of drinking makes him perfectly suited to explore at least one time-honoured aspect of Irish culture. In the end though, as Tony Hawks before him in Round Ireland with a Fridge, Bradford turns his eye just as well to things beyond the bar.’
Sunday Times
‘A rambling, tongue-firmly-in-cheek look at Ireland, Irishness beyond Ireland and nationality in general … rampant and funny.’
BBM
‘A good (and pertinent) odyssey in search of the authentic Ireland.’
Venue
‘A superb and positively hilarious book which adds a liberal helping of cynicism to the portrayal of folk singers in bars, vomiting tourists, and moving statues. As much fun as a night’s pub crawl round Dublin. Well, almost.’
Manchester Evening News
About the Publisher
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Canada
HarperCollins Canada
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New Zealand
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Auckland, New Zealand
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United Kingdom
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk
United States
HarperCollins Publishers Inc.
195 Broadway
New York, NY 10007
www.harpercollins.com