by Rick Kueber
“I hope it's here.” Hilary said as she and Mike began to climb through the remains of the collapse. “If not, I'm gonna kill Tim. He said it would be.” He began to search the area with his flashlight. We had all entered the space and I could hear the girls draw a deep breath. My eyes followed the beam of light along with Mike.
“Whoa...” Katie let out.
“No kidding. The pictures don't do it justice.” Jenn agreed. “It's here!” Mike shouted, holding the light steady, pointing it just beyond where the exterior wall once stood. Something large and aluminum-silver caught my eye.
“Give me a hand Rick.” He said, walking towards the 'thing'. This thing, as it turned out was an extension ladder. Being aluminum, it was lightweight, and we had no troubles bringing it inside. I helped Mike to stand it upright and lean it against one of the standing walls.
“How bad do you want to know what's in that drawer?” He asked, shining the light upwards, lighting the chest of drawers that was still upright against the fourth floor wall. Jenn and Katie gazed in disbelief at the fact that it seemed to be hanging almost in mid-air.
“I want to know pretty bad.” I smiled, but spending more than two decades in construction, I was very well acquainted with ladders and had my doubts about the feasibility. “Will that ladder reach all the way up there?”
“I think so. It’s a thirty-two footer. I guessed it's about thirty foot up, so you won’t have a lot of extra ladder.” He said confidently, but it was, honestly, not very reassuring.
“Okay then... no time like the present.' I inhaled deeply, trying to overcome my inner fears. “Let's do this.” Theo and Hilary held the lights while Mike and I fumbled awkwardly with the ladder on the uneven piles of debris. Hollow, metallic clattering noise echoed in the cold, empty night as we banged the ladder into place. Mike helped hold the ladder while I began to raise the extension. Again the sounds seemed uncomfortably loud as the rails of the ladder ground against each other and the locks slid into place, rung by rung with a 'scrape- clank'. When I had raised it as far as I could reach, I began to climb the ladder, pushing against the upper section until it was fully extended. I began to feel off balance, noticing the foot of the ladder was not far enough away from the wall. Quickly, I descended the ladder and planted my feet firmly on the ground.
“We're gonna have to move it back about another four feet or so to get the angle right. Otherwise, it's just going to fall backwards when I get to the top.” I explained. Looking down, I noticed there wasn't a good, clear, level spot on the floor to set the feet of the ladder.
“This might take a couple of you to hold this.” I said as I lifted the ladder by the lower rungs and drug it backwards to the point where it had the proper angle. There was a fairly flat chunk of concrete that was about a foot and a half above floor level. I sat the bottom rung on it.
“You're kidding right?” Hilary said in disbelief.
“I think he's serious.” Theo answered her as I began to step onto the second rung of the teetering ladder. “Oh god! Somebody grab it!” Jenn yelled out in a panic, as Mike took a firm grip on one side, and Hilary held on to the other as if it were her life that depended on it.
Nearly twenty feet up, I looked down to my friends and said, “Be ready to run if this ladder or the chest of drawers gives way. I don't want any of you hit by anything falling...” I took another step. “...even if it's me.”
“Shut up!” Katie was feeling almost dizzy at the thought, while she looked up to where I was. My hands grasped the top rung of the ladder, which was practically even with the bottom of the chest. All of my training had educated me that I was as high as I could safely go on an extension ladder, but then again, I was balancing the bottom rung on broken bits of concrete, piled on top of each other... so I placed my hands against the sandy remains, where the wall had met the floor, and took another overly cautious step. Now eye level to the handle on the bottom drawer, I slowly reached out and gave it a very gentle tug. It opened slightly, just over an inch, but no farther. My loud exhale was heard by all, and met with replies of 'be careful' and 'easy does it'. Another step and I found myself having to turn my head to the side with my chest against the wall to keep my weight from pulling me off of the ladder backwards.
My fingers were numb from having a white knuckle grip on the freezing metal ladder, but I found myself sweating, and my face feeling flush as I reached over to slide my fingers into the narrow opening of the drawer. I knew the odds were slim, but I nervously awaited a spider or worse a mouse or rat to climb up my hand or even bite me. I steadied my nerves as best as I could, knowing if I was caught off guard I might jump ever so slightly, which would end badly...very badly. The sweat beaded on my brow and upper lip, and chilled me to a shiver when a slight breeze came in through the ripped open exterior of the building. The ladder wiggled the slightest amount and I could hear the groans of my friends below. I said a silent prayer in my head and recollected my composure.
I wedged my fingers between the drawer and the frame of the chest and pried so hard that even the muscles of my face tensed. It was no use.
“It's not going to budge.” My voice filled the empty space. “Maybe something inside is blocking it.” Katie's brilliance flowed without a thought. Her little man was now pretty mobile and found mischief where he could “It happens all the time when my little man puts a toy or a book in an open drawer.”
My hand slid from its position and I turned it the opposite direction, palm facing the drawer above. Curling my fingers around the brace, I slid my hand from the nearest point towards the farthest.
“Katie...” I called down as my hand stopped abruptly against a rigid object. “...you're a genius. I feel something.” That 'something' was wedged upright against the brace, in between some materials, clothes, bed sheets, or something like that. Without seeing them, all I could tell was that they were sturdy cotton. I contorted my hand and fingers in an unnatural and uncomfortable way, trying to dislodge the object. The more I strained, the tighter it seemed to be jammed, until I felt it give, just a tiny bit, but that was enough to give me hope. Feverishly, my fingers began to flail around inside the drawer, thumping and catching the object.
The object finally moved, fell, and the pressure against my hand was relieved. Almost frantically, I began to pull the pieces of cloth from the drawer, bungling through them one-handedly, tossing them to the ground one at a time. There was nothing notable about the clothing that I pulled from the drawer, but when I had emptied them all from the drawer, I felt around to be sure nothing was left in the drawer. Slipping my fingers under the object and clenching it between them and my thumb I withdrew a tied, leather satchel, no larger than eight inches by twelve inches. I tucked it into the waistline of my pants and began my descent. With each step downward, my body began to tremble more and more uncontrollably. By the time I reached the lower rungs, the entire ladder had begun to shake. My knees had gone weak and I stumbled off of the ladder, and had to catch myself from falling. I quickly found a spot in the rubble to sit.
“Did it.” I spat out amidst my heavy breathing.
“I hope it was worth it.” Jenn joked, in relief.
“I hope so too...” Mike added. “...because we bent the bottom rung of Tim's ladder.” “If we get out of here in one piece, I don't care what's in this bag, I'll buy Tim a new one.” I was beginning to return to feeling as normal as could be expected.
“So, what is it?” Hilary's excitement was evident. “As badly as I want to know, I'm totally afraid I might be really disappointed, so if we can wait a little while, I'd appreciate it... you know... let me relish in this as a victory because, well, because it might not be one.” Even though I didn't mean to dull the high we were on, it was a sobering moment for everyone.
Mike and Hilary managed to lower the ladder and stash it back outside where Tim had left it for us to find. We quietly found our way back to the paupers’ room where we had begun the night’s adventure.
Jenn opened
her bag and retrieved two smudging sticks made of white sage and sweet-grass. She handed one to Hilary and one to Katie. Pulling out a box of wooden matches, she struck one, cupped her hand and lit Hilary's sage stick. It took nearly half a dozen matches to get both sticks smoldering well. Jenn placed the matches back in her bag and withdrew two large owl feathers, handing one to Hilary and Katie, who used them to fan the glowing end of the sage to waft the gray smoke. In turn, we each washed our hands in the smoke, then took the smoke in our hands to wash over our eyes, faces, heads, and hearts. When we had all finished the ritual, Theo opened the small shoulder bag he was carrying and passed long white tapered candles with foil holders to me, Jenn, and Mike. He also drew out a large abalone shell and filled it with cedar and lavender. He nodded to Jenn as he pulled out his own feather from a zippered side pocket on his bag. Without exchanging a single word, Jenn grabbed her matches again, and lit Theo's herbs until they too began to billow fragrant smoke into the air. She then lit our candles and placed the box of matches back in her bag, zipping it closed.
“Whoa...” I mumbled, noticing the haze of burning herbs that filled the room with an eerie fog. “We need to all continually pray, or at the very least think positive thoughts, while we walk room to room, letting the smoke and candlelight into every corner, opening every door, any drawer...everywhere. I always pray out loud, but just do whatever you are comfortable with, as long as it is positive...” Theo gave clear instructions.
“What about helping them move on?” Katie asked. “We can work on that while we clear the negative energies. In each room we need to guide the souls to the point of light, the place where they feel warmth, love and acceptance.” Theo answered.
“And we should also try to let them know they have the power to move on, that they are only trapped by their own fears. Let them know they hold the power to find the happiness and peace they deserve.” I added, and Theo nodded in agreement. Jenn, Mike and I went around the room, in a clockwise movement, holding up the candles. We were closely followed by Theo, Hilary and Katie who wafted their smudging smoke throughout the space. Room by room, corridor by corridor, the spaces were cleared of negativity. Theo and Jenn prayed out loud, but in a low tone which began to sound like a ritual chant. Hilary, Katie, Mike and I spoke word of freedom in every individual area, encouraging any spirits to find their peace and move on to where they belonged.
It had been an uneventful evening so far, and soon we had moved from the first to the second floor. Though we had wanted to take a break to thaw out by the time we had finished the second floor, we knew we had to keep going to keep the ceremonious ritual unbroken. The six of us managed to keep a slow pace, making sure not to rush through any room and possibly leave any space untouched by light and smoke, and we entered each stairwell as we came to it in order, cleansing the space up to the next floor and then returning to the current one before moving on. The murmurs of prayers among chattering teeth and the tapping of our footsteps were the only sounds we had heard, and ours were the only shadows seen, even as we finished spiraling through the third floor. The sound of twelve shoes on the final stairwell leading up to the fourth floor seemed to echo louder than any sound we had made all night. Reaching the top of the stairs, the steady concentration of the team was broken by Mike.
“My candle is about to go out. It's almost gone.” He noted, drawing everyone's attention.
“Mine too.” I said realizing all three candles were nearly spent, drowning in their own wax.
“Shit!” Mike said as the flame dwindled and died.
photo by Hilary Lee
photo by Hilary Lee
Photo by Rick Kueber
Chapter 13 Frost & Flames
“Ionly have one more.” Jenn informed everyone. “I didn't expect to have this many burning at the same time. It's in my bag, Mike.” He dug through her bag as if he were searching for air to breathe. He pulled the last candle from her bag and turning it on its side, in his hand, placed the wick in the flame of my nearly spent candle. The light it gave off was somehow calming, and Mike gave a sigh of relief. We found ourselves subconsciously rushing and intentionally slowing down moving from room to room with prayers and smudging rituals. Every step grew colder, every room more ominous. We had begun clearing the shorter half of the fourth floor. As we had done on the previous floors, we worked our way from one side of the collapse to the other. It wasn't the smoothest transition, but as we moved from one side of the cave-in to the other, we would break into two teams of three; one team would remain near the devastation, continuing to say prayers and filling the empty chasm with the smoke of the cleansing herbs, while the second would scurry down the stairs across the main corridor on the first floor and then return to the opposite side of the collapse, where we could see the others. Only when the second half of us returned our thoughts and concentration to the helping and healing of the lost souls of the Infirmary, would the other half of our group follow, catching up to us as quickly as they could.
Having just finished one of the rooms, and being over half way through the entire fourth floor, we found ourselves in the corner of the main corridor and the last wing. Collectively, we paused, somewhat frustrated with the complete lack of activity. We weren't sure if our rituals were actually helping free the spirits or if we were being avoided and all of our time and effort was for naught. Before I could speak, Theo stopped his prayer completely, for the first time since he had begun.
“This is Maddie's room.” His voice was calm and low as he motioned over his shoulder to the room to his right. His use of the present tense snapped us all back to the reality that even if the night had been inactive, this place was terribly haunted, without a doubt.
“I'm sorry guys...” Hilary began, “I thought it would be crazy active like usual.” “Maybe it's just poor timing.” Mike added.
“Time...” I whispered. “Time is just an illusion.”
We entered the room filling it with the sweet and pungent aromas of white sage, sweet-grass... cedar and lavender, and only one of the candles, the one Mike had recently lit, was giving off much light, but the light flickered and shimmered in the foul darkness of the room.
“An illusion?” Mike asked. “Is that relevant, or just a metaphor, or what?” “Relevant.” Katie spoke up. “Time is a liar. It makes us promises that it rarely follows through with. It's important that these spirits understand that no matter what they expected of their life, that their afterlife is not meant to be spent in regret.”
“To anyone here, who may be listening.” Jenn spoke, hoping Maddie and every soul could hear her. “Katie and Rick are right. Time is a lie and a liar. There is only now...this very moment. The past is not time, it's only memories of happiness and regret and the future is only expectations, dreams and fears of what the present could become. Live in the moment, make NOW what you want it to be. You all have the power to make your own peace and happiness.”
“Wow...” Mike whispered to Hilary. “I get it... it is relevant.” “You must make the choice to not be held back by the negativity that surrounds you.” I took my turn. “Right now, in this exact moment, picture your happiness as your reality. Believe in the peace you deserve. No force in existence controls that.... only you do. Seize this moment as your own; let no one and no thing take this from you. Find the peace that brings you warmth and light, and follow that light to your eternal peace.” While we spoke on time, Theo had softly begun to chant his prayers, like subtle background music that brought us all comfort... momentarily.
A strong wind blew in from the corridor, cold and cruel, and despite our best efforts, the flames were stolen from us. In a panic, we scrambled to find the matches and relight them, but the one Mike held was the only one that would light: the others had fulfilled their purpose and their wicks and wax were used up. Theo's prayers grew louder, and we all joined in silently or out loud, as we saw fit. As the room grew colder our prayers and intentions became more intense, and the more intense they became, the colder t
he room became. Mike fought the ever present wind, and lost. The last flame went out and as if it held some magical power of goodness that had been vanquished, the room fell silent.
“Not good.” The chill could be heard in Hilary's quivering voice. “Do you see that?” Jenn whispered loudly. “I see shadows moving.” “Yes.” The reply was hissed, yet came from no one in our group. “Quick!” I called out. “Get in a circle.”
Like metal shavings to a magnet, we were all pulled to the center of Maddie's room. Our backs were to each other and our shoulders touched. Harrowing, bleak, shadowy coldness grew around us, contrasting the blacks and grays of the once empty room. The beings seemed to be very aware of our presence and we began to explain, once again, about time, peace, crossing over, and all that we knew to say. As we spoke, a rumbling noise increased within the space. The fear of another collapse broke my concentration, and seemingly everyone's. Across the room, in the corner nearest the remains of the bed, a shadow grew, larger and more oppressive than all of the others combined. It seemed to be watching over them, casting its fear onto them. With every moment that passed, the temperature dropped. We shook from the frigid air, and I began to visibly see frost growing on the windows, the floor, and even on my jeans and jacket. We were freezing, bordering on hypothermia, when our fear had reached its pinnacle. One shadow from among the countless souls that surrounded us came forward. It became less transparent than the rest and reached its frail arms out to Hilary.
“Maddie!” Hilary cried out. “We're here to help you.” The face of the shadow woman became more defined, more physically solid. Her eyes were hollow black and her dark, blue-gray lips were dried and cracked as she stretched her mouth open unnaturally. Though she didn't appear to be speaking, we all heard her eerie voice, rough and squeaking. “Leave now...leave me here.”