by Lena North
I realized that tears ran slowly down my cheeks, so I took a deep breath. Then I turned to him.
"No, Joss," I said calmly. "There is no need for you to sit down."
When I turned my head again and faced the ocean, I heard him.
"I love you, Sissa."
I had yearned for so long to hear him say that but when he finally said the words my stomach hurt so bad I almost doubled over. I kept my back straight and my eyes facing forward. I thought for a while about this love that he now proclaimed, but I wasn't sure he even knew what kind of love I expected from him, and his words didn't change anything.
"You love me too little, and your words come too late, Josteinn," I said, and when he made a noise as if to protest I turned to him again. "Please, let's not argue. You can easily find another thrall to warm your bed, and after this summer, you'll have a wife."
"Sissa -"
"Josteinn," I interrupted. "I am tired. Last night was difficult. Today has been hard too, my arm hurt and I want to rest."
Slowly he crouched down next to me. I heard how he pulled off a glove and dropped it in the sand. Then he caressed my cheek gently with the back of his hand.
"Okay," he whispered. "I'll leave you, but we will talk again."
I didn't reply. Then there was a soft crunching sound along the waterline. He was gone, and I gasped. What had I just done? Was I mad? My mind whirled, and I leaned my head on my knees trying to think about what to do, but all I could think about was how I'd just sent Joss away.
"You sent my son away?"
I gave up a small cry when Einarr barked this harshly at me. He didn't ask permission to sit and scowled at me when he sank down in the sand by my side.
"Sissa," he growled.
"Don't get involved, Einarr," I said sourly. "I know that both of you can do whatever you want, and I can't stop you, but for the sake of the peace in your house, don't get involved in this. What Josteinn decides to do is not for you to say either, so don't go ordering him to do whatever you happen to want. He's a grown man in case you hadn't noticed."
"A stupid, young boy is what he is, but for now, Sissa, I will honor your wish," he said just as sourly.
"Thank you," I snapped.
"No, it is I who should thank you," he surprised me by snapping back at me. "I would never have guessed it was Freyja, not ever," he said then, grinning crookedly.
"I grew up around her, and I thought she was dumb as a cow," I whispered.
"She is, Sissa, but in a way she isn't, and she's also very fortunate. So many things could have gone wrong with her crazy plan, and it was mostly dumb luck that she managed to follow through on it."
"But still... it wasn't so risky, Einarr," I protested. "Everything up to the point when she pushed Heidrun out from the storage house could have been explained as someone’s mistake. Even after that... she rushed off to put the latch on my door? But if her plan hadn't worked and they had picked me for the sacrifice, then she might have been able to push the beam off the other door, redressed Heidrun in nice clothes and everyone would have thought your niece just stumbled in there since she was ill." I held his eyes, and he nodded slowly.
"You're probably right," he agreed.
"If the seer hadn't given her a sense of entitlement, then none of this would have happened," I mused and I felt how he twitched.
"I think it would have happened anyway," he said quickly. "As soon as she discovered she was with child she would have come up with something to harm Heidrun or Stein."
"Mother isn't sure she's expecting," I confessed.
"Really?"
"She's not sure, and time will tell," I replied. "What will happen to her?"
"If there is a child then she'll have it in that shed, Ingolf will take it away from her and then we'll go to the Thing."
"Yes. Father thought so," I said.
"Ingolf is grateful, Sissa. He might not tell you, but he is," Einarr said.
"I know. He said so just after they asked us to leave," I said.
"They asked you to leave?"
"You didn't know? When you took Freyja away, your wife and son told us that further discussion was for family only, and they asked us to leave. But I'm so very pleased, Einarr," I replied in an exceptionally bland voice, "Jarl Ingolf said that he was grateful, right before we left."
Einarr made a grunting sound. I smiled calmly at him.
"I will go home and rest now unless you have chores for me to do during the afternoon? Astrid perhaps needs my help to cut up vegetables for dinner?"
"Sissa, don't be like that," he murmured.
"But I am a thrall, Einarr. You all act like I'm not when it suits you, but you've also reminded me often enough that I am, all of you. Josteinn was right. I do need to learn the ways of a thrall," I said.
Then I turned toward the village and walked briskly along the beach. I heard him call my name, but I ignored it. That might not have been a clever thing to do because now I'd pushed both Joss and Einarr away, but it had felt good.
The weeks that followed after we revealed to the village that Freyja was responsible for Heidrun's death turned out to be incredibly difficult. Everyone had questions, and it was as if they didn't understand the answers they got so they asked over and over until I wanted to scream. I knew that they didn't dare to bother Jarl Ingolf or his family, so they came to me and even more to my parents.
The Jarl seemed to handle the betrayal of his wife better than the death of his daughter, and he was slowly taking the control of the village back from his brother. I wondered what Einarr thought about that, but Astrid still seemed pleased with herself. Since both Heidrun and Freyja were gone, she was the one running the Jarl's household, which had her walking around with a look of great satisfaction on her face. I learned quickly that Astrid ran her home with a hard hand, and made no exceptions, neither for my mother nor for me. As soon as my arm had healed, I was back to taking care of the animals, fetching firewood, chopping turnips and grinding barley for the flatbreads. When I got blisters on my hands, she just shrugged. I remembered how she had been during the nights we'd tended Jarl Ingolf after his injury and sometimes I wondered if it had all been a dream.
I asked Einarr if I could talk to Freyja but he just gave me a long look and walked away. Sometimes I wondered if the times we'd spent together, discussing, arguing, and laughing had been a dream too.
"Sissa, wait," Josteinn suddenly called out. I turned slowly to watch him approach.
He'd not said many words to me since that day on the beach, and I'd done my best to avoid him too. Now he suddenly walked next to me through the village. I kept my eyes on the ground because I knew that people would stare, and I didn't want to see the speculation in their eyes.
"Are you ready to talk?" he asked quietly.
"About what?" I asked instead of answering.
"Surely the past weeks have shown you how much better it would be for you to move into my father's house?" he said.
My mouth fell open. I couldn't believe what I'd just heard him say. I'd seen him watching me and he'd not once given me a helping hand like he used to. I'd thought that his pride had been stung and that he'd been sulking. Slowly, I realized that it had all been about making a point. He'd waited and watched all this time, trying to force me into submitting to his wishes.
"I know, Josteinn," I said. "Agreeing would certainly mean fewer blisters on my hands," I added, and I tried to make it into a joke, but my voice shook a little so it sounded mostly sad.
He stopped walking, pushing down on the buckets I carried until I was forced to release them. Then he turned my hands around. He swore softly when he saw the mix of half-healed and fresh blisters, raising one of my hands to put it on his cheek. He held the other hand gently and then he muttered, "Why do you have to be so stubborn, Sissa?"
"Josteinn -" I started, but he got a look in his eyes that was so sad I felt my own eyes sting.
"Can't you even call me Joss anymore?"
"Please -"
"What do you want me to do? Just tell me what you want me to do, Sissa..." he whispered.
"Will you let me sit at your father's table for your evening meals?" I asked.
I saw the answer on his face, and I didn't bother to wait for him to reply.
"Josteinn, please stop this. Find another thrall, find a wife. All I ask of you is to leave me alone," I said loudly so that everyone around us should hear.
Then I pulled my hands from his, picked up the buckets, and without giving him any indication of the pain in my hands, or in my heart, I walked away.
Chapter Twenty-six
Losing breath
I went through the rest of the day in a strange daze. I knew what I had to do but thinking about it made my stomach hurt so I pushed it back and silently did all the tasks they gave me.
When we were children, Fin and I climbed the tallest oak we could find in the forest. It had felt incredible to be that high up, and I'd stretched my hand out to see if I could touch the sky. We'd laughed together and shouted with glee but on our way down I slipped. I'd fallen and landed on my back, losing all the air in my lungs for a little while.
I smiled grimly when I remembered and thought that it was exactly how it felt. I'd tried to touch the sky, but then I'd fallen, and I had landed hard.
Fin had been scared when he saw me slam into the ground but when he knew that I hadn't broken anything he'd laughed, and so had I once I got my breath back.
Trudging through the mud with my arms full of firewood, it felt like I'd never be quite happy again. I hoped that I'd find my breath, eventually.
Ulf was not in our home that evening so I asked my parents if we could talk, and then we sat down around our little table. It felt familiar but also strange because Torbi wasn't there. I'd always made sure he was around when there were serious matters do discuss with our parents. He'd always had my back, given me unconditional support, even if he'd sometimes yelled at me afterward.
"I can't do it," I started abruptly, swallowed, and told them. "I've asked Josteinn again to find another thrall. I can't do it, can't be his property and live that kind of life. They kept showing me small slivers of freedom so that's what I want now. I have no desire to be owned by a man who doesn't love me enough and who can throw me away at any time."
Then I waited for them to say something, and their reactions came quickly.
"Are you sure you're not making your mind up in a haste?" Father asked.
"I have been waiting for you to find that out, my girl," Mother said calmly.
I'd opened my mouth to reply to Father but when I heard what my mother said I closed it quickly. That was unexpected, I thought, but she just shrugged.
"You'd better build a life with one of the other thralls, Sissa," she added, and my heart sank. She hadn't understood, but I hadn't been very explicit.
"I will leave," I whispered. "I've thought about it a long time, since Fin and I were just children, and it's not something I'm making up just now," I said to Father, but that wasn't strictly true. I'd thought about it many times but always decided to stay. It was only earlier that day that I'd made my mind up to actually leave.
They looked at me gravely and then Mother sighed.
"Do you have a plan?"
"No."
"When do you leave?"
"I don't know. During the summer, before the Thing? I think that would be best," I said.
They were silent for a while. Then Father murmured, "You have time to plan, Sissa. I have some coins saved, and they'll help."
We didn't talk much more about it, and summer was several months away so I had time to plan. I could see that they worried about what I'd told them, but they knew me, so they also understood that nothing they said would stop me.
As the days passed, it was clear that Josteinn was incredibly unhappy. With me, but with everyone else as well it seemed. He was in two fights in the week that followed, and then I heard that Einarr sent him to one of the nearby villages. They said it was to barter for barley, but we had enough so I guessed that he wanted his son to look for another thrall that could catch his fancy. It didn't feel great to think about Joss with another girl, but I'd told him to find one. Maybe that would make him happy again, I thought.
We had a lot to do in the longhouse so time passed by quickly. Astrid made us clean every corner of the house, wash every piece of fabric and wipe off every pot and pan, even the ones that we hadn't used in years. It was as if she wanted to clean Freyja out of the house. I could both understand and agree with that sentiment, but she mostly strode around giving orders and my back hurt from kneeling on the floor all day, scrubbing and scraping. The days were long and sometimes I had to help with the injured in the evenings as well so I was exhausted. I'd not thought more about my plans to leave. I told myself that I'd have time to think about it later.
Late one night I passed through the village after visiting a man who cut his hand and needed it cleaned up. I was tired, but the night air felt good so I took my time getting home. When I passed Einarr's house, I suddenly heard them talking inside. I knew that to continue walking was the right thing to do and that listening in on them would be rude, but I couldn't help myself. I'd wanted to sit at their table, or at least, live my life in that house, and I wondered what their evenings were like, so I stopped.
"I'm tired," Astrid murmured with a sigh.
"Aren't the women helping you enough?" Einarr asked, and I heard how the bench he was sitting on creaked as he moved a little.
I couldn't see them because the shutters were closed but I could see the light from a fire through the small cracks between the boards. I pressed my lips together and was just about to move when Astrid replied.
"It will be good when Joss takes a wife, Einarr. I'll have help then."
I closed my eyes as if this would hold the pain back but it didn't, of course.
"I want to wait a year with that, Mother," a calm voice said suddenly, and my eyes flew open.
Josteinn was back! I'd thought he'd be gone for a few weeks, and it had left me feeling both relieved and sad at the same time.
"Why, son?" Einarr asked calmly. "There's no reason to wait, is there?" he continued.
I straightened in surprise. It sounded as if he taunted his son somehow.
"I just want to wait," Joss said sourly. "Much has happened in the village and I want time to adjust to the changes. I have no desire to be Jarl when Uncle Ingolf steps down, but I'll do my duty, you know I will. In return, I want another year."
"What do you mean, Joss?" Astrid said.
She'd sounded so surprised I almost laughed. Did she not know her own son? Had she thought he wanted to be Jarl?
"Is this about Sissa?" Einarr asked.
"No," Josteinn answered immediately, and I held my breath, but he didn't say anything else.
"Joss..." Astrid started slowly. "She's one of the thralls, surely you aren't -"
"I know, Mother," Josteinn interrupted. "I know she's one of the thralls, and I know what she thinks of me too. Forget about her," he said calmly. "I have," he added.
"You wanted her," Einarr said.
"She was just someone to have fun with, and she was useful, wasn't she?" Joss asked.
I closed my eyes again, wishing I hadn't stopped to eavesdrop. My feet seemed rooted in the mud outside their window as I stood there, listening to the boy I'd thought I'd spend my life with telling his parents what he'd thought of me all that time.
"She's pretty, and she can be entertaining in the way of a thrall. But you don't have to worry, I know that I'll need an entirely different kind of woman at my side as Jarl. I know of the alliances we could get from that."
There was a long silence from the house. Then Josteinn killed the small fragments of hope that I foolishly had kept hidden deep inside my heart.
"And she was useful, wasn't she? She found out who the killer was, just as you wanted, Father. I figured that giving her a little extra reason to solve our problems wouldn'
t hurt."
I turned and walked away then. It had all been a lie, all the moments we'd shared were soiled because of his words. What had meant so much to me had only been a game to him. A way to ensure I worked hard to find Heidrun's killer to clear his name.
When I got home the others had already eaten, but Mother had saved some of the vegetable stew for me, and I ate in silence. My mind was racing but with every bite, I got more and more determined to not wait until summer to leave. I knew well that I was reacting to what I'd heard but knowing this didn't help. I felt utterly humiliated, and what I'd do when I had to face Josteinn again I didn't know.
"What's wrong, Sissa?" Father asked gently.
I raised my eyes and was just about to tell him that it was nothing, that I was just tired, but when I saw the gentle look in his eyes I couldn't hold my tears back. I pushed the bowl away, leaned my head on the table and cried.
At first, they didn't say anything. Then I felt my mother's hand on my shoulder.
"Josteinn?" she asked softly.
I nodded into my arms and then I told them what I heard. They listened in silence, and I saw Ulf's face harden.
"It's okay," I whispered, finally, and added, "I'll be fine, but I need to leave, and I don't want to wait until the summer. I'll have to figure out a way to leave before that. Maybe I can do what Mags and the girls planned, steal a horse and go south. I know the forest around here so I won't fall into any ravines. I can find my way to -"
I stopped rambling when Ulf suddenly put his hand on mine.
"I have enough for your fee, and a little bit extra."
I jerked and stared at him.
"What?" three voices echoed.
He pressed his lips together, looking down on the table.
"She was my friend," he said hoarsely but before we could say anything he raised his head and continued.