by Claire Adams
A rush of guilt flooded my veins when I realized he was right, I’d been an incredibly shitty friend for years, and yet, there he was. “I’m sorry, Tug.”
His eyes narrowed, and both eyebrows shot toward the sky as he turned his head to me. “What for?”
“Being a self-involved dick for so long.”
The corners of his mouth hiked up. “Your dick is pretty self-involved, but you’re not. You’ve just been… grieving, I guess.”
“I guess.” I raised my beer to my lips, giving myself a second to think about what it was that I really wanted to talk to him about, or ordering my thoughts really. “Thanks for coming over, anyway.”
He tipped his beer to me. “Always, brother. You gonna tell me what’s up or are you going to keep stewing about it?”
“I think I’ve met someone,” I blurted out. “But even saying that makes me feel guilty as balls because I promised May there would never be anyone else.”
“You didn’t promise May shit, and you know it. You made a promise to a memory, and you know as well as I do that May would’ve kicked your ass for making a promise like that.”
“What?”
Tugger sighed, brushing his hand over his short hair. “May would have wanted you to be happy, Nelson. If she saw you moping around and fucking everything that moves to avoid the hole in your heart, she would’ve kicked your ass, think about it.”
I did, and couldn’t say he was wrong; I’d just never thought about it that way. “Maybe, but I don’t know how to let go of her. She was everything to me, man.”
“I’m going to say something that you’re not gonna want to hear, but I think it has to be said and I think this is the right time,” Tugger said. “Hear me out before you shove me in the pool or break my jaw or something, okay?”
Apprehension tightened my stomach, and my knuckles went white from how hard I was hanging onto the arm of my lounger with one hand and my beer with the other. I was determined to remain calm, however. I would not be breaking my best friend’s jaw today. No matter what he said, I owed him that much after he’d been putting up with me for all these years.
“You and May,” he trailed off, and I braced myself. He was right; I didn’t want to hear this. “I know that in your head she was everything to you, but are you really sure she was? I mean, are you sure that she was the only woman for you?”
“Yes,” I answered automatically. “Where is this coming from?”
He blew out a breath and sat upright, one leg jumping at the knee. “It’s just that I remember her too. I remember what things were like between you two. Be honest with me here: how much did you even know about May outside of the SEALs?”
My mind raced through my memories of her as I squinted into the sun, part of me wishing that it would burn that question right out of my brain. I didn’t want to think about her like that, because he’d asked me to be honest with him, and I didn’t even want to be honest with myself over this.
“Not all that much,” I finally admitted, seeing little black dots behind my eyelids when I let them fall closed to try to hide the pain this newfound knowledge caused.
“Exactly. Your relationship was pretty confined, my man. You fought the enemy together like demons and fucked like rabbits before and after, but you never lived with her out here in the world. You shopped for weapons, not groceries. All I ever heard you two talking about was missions, or guns, or something else related to the job.”
“So?”
“So you never argued about who was making what for dinner or about which way the toilet paper should go. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not trying to diminish your relationship; I’m trying to tell you that I don’t know if she would’ve been the best-suited mate for you in civilian life.”
The air left my lungs are surely as if someone had punched me in the stomach, and I kind of wished that he’d done that instead, because as much as I wanted him to be, he wasn’t wrong. I stared at him stupidly as the realization hit and saw only empathy in his eyes. He allowed me to chew it over for a couple of minutes, both of us draining our beers.
I collapsed into the lounger and stared up at the cloudless sky, not caring that I was probably going to get sunburned if we stayed out here much longer. Tugger collected our empty bottles and came back with fresh ones and a bag of chips that he’d cut a hole in to make a bowl out of it.
“You gonna hit me?” he asked as he handed me my beer and set the chips down on the plastic table between the loungers.
“No.”
Tugger smiled and settled back in his lounger. “You letting go of the guilt yet?”
“Trying.”
“Ever going to say more than one word at a time again?” he asked after a while.
“Eventually, maybe. I don’t know.”
Tugger chuckled and slid on the sunglasses that had been hanging in the V of his shirt. “You should. In the meantime, why don’t you tell me about this girl you’ve met? It’s that same chick we cooked for, isn’t it?”
“It is,” I told him, then I took a deep breath and told him all about it. When I was done, Tugger’s smile could’ve lit up the sun.
“You know, I think you should give this one a real chance.”
I paused, letting his words sink in. “I don’t know what the standard operating procedure is here, Tug.”
He leaned back in his chair, taking a long sip of his beer as he tipped his face up to the sun. “That’s because there is no SOP for this, sorry bro.”
Chapter 24
Juliana
A pit roughly the size of Oklahoma had settled in my stomach over the course of the past 24 hours, pretty much since Pacey had all but run out of my bedroom. I wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t texted. I saw the way he’d looked at me when he told me he was leaving; he didn’t really have plans. He was just trying to escape as fast as humanly possible.
I could practically smell the fear that was rolling off him before he left. My only regret was that I’d succumbed to his charms in the first place. There was good reason behind that ‘fool me twice’ saying, so I was the one to blame for my troubles in this situation.
I was such an idiot for having thought he was serious about me, when in reality, he was exactly the player that I’d thought him to be. Huffing out a sigh, I spun my phone on my desk at work, staring out the windows to the nearly empty parking lot outside. For once, I wished that work would get busy. That way I wouldn’t have time to think about players who— My phone started vibrating mid-spin, and my heart jumped to my throat when I saw who was calling.
Players who were calling me, apparently. I considered letting the call go to voice, but I was too curious. I honestly hadn’t been expecting him to call.
“Hello?” I said, my voice thankfully sounding a hell of a lot calmer than I was feeling at the moment.
“Hey, Juliana,” Pacey said. “You doing okay?”
“I’m fine,” I answered hesitantly. “How was watching the game?”
“We never got around to watching, actually. We ended up drinking beer in the pool most of the day.” I nearly believed him, but I still remembered his eyes before he left. It was possible that I’d misread the look in them, but not probable. The only thing was that he sounded so honest. He was a complete mind fuck, this one.
“So listen,” he said before I could reply. “I was wondering if you wanted to go out later, we can go for a ride or something?”
“I don’t know, Pacey. I just—” I wasn’t sure that I should jump down the rabbit hole again, but was there really a reason to turn him down here, though? He’d said he would text, but he called. It didn’t sound like he was lying about spending time with friends after he left me, and the orgasms, oh boy. “Yeah, okay. We can do that.”
“Yeah?” He coughed in surprise. “Great. Pick you up at your place at 6?”
“See you then.” I hung up before I could change my mind or think too much about the possible reasons behind his obvious surprise.
The rest of
the day passed agonizingly slowly. The only upside was that it gave me plenty of time to plan what I wanted to wear for our date. If it was a date. I had to be ready for the possibility that he was taking me out to let me down gently.
Wanting to be ready either way, I listened to my girl power mix while I got ready later that day. I took a long bath when I got home, shaving carefully. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail in case he arrived on his bike, donned a sexy, soft pink pair of undies and a matching bra. Opting to keep my makeup light and natural, I only swept on a coat of mascara, and once I was done with my preparation, danced around my room while singing “Holding Out for a Hero” into my hairbrush.
It was a touch childish, and I felt a bit silly while doing it, but it made me feel ready for whatever was awaiting me that night, and that made it worth it. Fifteen minutes before Pacey was due to arrive, I finally got dressed. I chose a soft, fitted pair of jeans that I knew my ass looked great in, a white button-up shirt, and a casual, brown leather jacket.
Finishing off the outfit with ankle boots that matched the jacket, I was ready to go. At exactly 6 p.m. there was a knock on my door, and I rushed to get it, but composed myself before I opened it by taking a few deep breaths.
“Hey,” I said, trying to control my racing heart. He looked damn fine, also wearing jeans and a white shirt, but his was a tee and the jacket resting on the bike behind him was the same black one from the first ride I’d taken with him.
“Hi,” he said, reaching out to pull me in for a quick hug. “You look beautiful.”
I looped my arms around his shoulders and rested my head in the crook of his neck, trying to breathe him in without making it too obvious. “You look terrible.”
His laughter rolled from his chest into mine, and his shoulders shook slightly. “Thanks, that’s what I was going for. You ready to go?”
To my greatest disappointment, he released me from the hug and stepped back. The sting of being released was soothed over immediately when he held out a hand to me. I took it without hesitation, and we walked the short distance to his bike in a comfortable silence.
It was still light out, though the sun was starting to dip and the sky was becoming bathed in warmer colors rather than the bright blue of the day. The temperature was mild, but I was going to be glad to have my jacket for the back of the bike.
Pacey had both helmets waiting on the seat and lifted one over my head, gently mashing it down. “May I?”
“Please.” As they had the last time, his fingers brushed my face as he fastened the straps and I leaned into the soft touches.
There was something intense about Pacey today, something different, though I couldn’t put my finger on it. Unlike last time, he tugged on each strap to double-check it, and I tilted my head, not understanding why needed to check straps he’d just fastened.
“Everything okay with you?”
He lifted his eyes to mine, the golden flecks radiant against the brown and nodded, but his jaw was tight as he grunted. “Should’ve brought the truck, that’s all.”
I patted the seat of the bike and smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry about it. The death machine and I are old friends.”
Pacey’s eyes fell shut for a fraction of a second, and I could’ve sworn that he went a little pale under his tan. “Definitely should’ve brought the truck.”
“Why? Look,” I pointed to my boots and jeans. “I even made sure I was dressed better for the bike this time.”
And look he did, though I felt suddenly naked under his scrutiny. His lips kicked up into a private smile and he wrapped his arms around me, brushing my lips with a soft kiss. “Yeah, you did. Hop on up there, sassy girl.”
“I wasn’t being sassy,” I objected laughingly, accepting Pacey’s help to get up on the bike. When I was seated, he flung his leg over the seat and pulled me flush against his back by my thighs.
What’s going on with him? Something definitely was different here, but I wasn’t going to question it. I liked it too much.
“Hang on tight, sweetheart.”
My ears perked up; since when did he call me sweetheart? I followed his advice though, threading my arms around his trim waist and cuddling up against his back. We roared away from my house, but I noticed that he was driving slower than he had been the first time I’d ridden with him.
But whatever, it gave me more time to be plastered as close to him as I could be, hanging on to him for dear life as we ghosted past rural roads and back into the countryside again. The lush green fields rolled by and I relaxed into him, feeling completely safe and content on the back of his bike. I rested my head at the base of his spine and took in the scenery, feeling the uncertainty of the last two days melt away the longer I was with him.
He turned onto a short gravel road that led to a secluded field between tall trees with a narrow stream running over smooth stones. I hadn’t realized that we’d be climbing, but we were actually quite high up on the side of a hill, the view of the setting sun spectacular from our vantage point. He kicked out the stand of the bike and helped me off.
Once I was safely on the ground and my helmet was back on the seat of the bike, he reached into the storage compartment and pulled out a blanket and a small container of some kind.
“A picnic?” I asked, surprised.
Pacey nodded as we walked through the trees, finding a spot with an unobstructed view of the sunset. He was being so very quiet that I didn’t quite know what to make of it. He spread the blanket, set the container down, and folded his big body into a cross-legged sitting position on the blanket. “You want to sit?”
“Sure,” I said, joining him on the blanket with no small amount of nerves racing through my body. I chewed on my bottom lip as he stared out at the setting sun. “What’s wrong, Pacey?”
His eyes snapped immediately to mine, looking alarmed. “Wrong?”
“Yeah, you’re being kind of… different,” I told him, mentally crossing fingers and toes that it wasn’t because he was trying to figure out how to end whatever it was that was only starting between us. Surely, he wouldn’t have brought me all the way out here for a romantic picnic at sunset if that was the case.
“I, I uh, need to tell you something.” Well, if that didn’t send my heart thundering. He busied himself with the container, opening it to reveal some crackers, cheese, a handful of strawberries, a few chocolate truffles, and a small bottle of sparkling cider.
As the sky filled with streaks of color amid the setting sun, he scooted closer to me, his expression solemn as he reached for both of my hands.
Crap. This couldn’t be good. I tried to keep my voice even, but it was still slightly shaky. “Okay, what is it?”
He looked as uncomfortable as I’d ever seen him, finally beginning with a measured tone. “I didn’t call you last week because I had a girlfriend.”
My stomach dropped right along with my jaw. “What?”
Taking one look at my horrified expression, he started shaking his head fast and laughed humorlessly. “No, no, no. I didn’t mean I had a girlfriend last week. I had a girlfriend who died five years ago. Fuck, I’m horrible at this.”
A lot of things were starting to make sense in the back of my mind, but I squeezed his hand encouragingly. “No, you’re not. Keep going; I’m listening.”
“Her name was May. She was a SEAL, too. We were on a mission together when she took a bullet—” he dropped off, staring contemplatively out at the sunset before continuing. “I was devastated when I lost her. I was right there, but I couldn’t save her. She was gone faster than I could blink, let alone do something to help her.”
Sympathy was building in me at a terrifying rate. The pain in his voice was raw and honest, making even my heart ache from the crushing weight of it. So this was what he was carrying around, why he looked like Atlas carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders sometimes.
I wanted to help him in any way that I could, and carry just a bit of the weight with him. Lifting his hand
s to my lips, I kissed the backs softly and twined our fingers together, before setting our hands back into my lap. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Chapter 25
Pacey
Did I want to talk about it? I rarely did. I hadn’t even really talked to Tugger about that night in years, but I felt myself nodding. Strangely, I did want to talk to her about it. If I wanted to take Tugger’s advice and try something real with her, then I had to. Might as well get it over with.
“Go ahead,” Juliana said, her hazel eyes looking almost forest green in our surroundings.
I rolled my head back, my eyes looking up at the sky as I took a deep breath, trying to steel myself for the vivid rush of memories I hadn’t relived in front of anyone else since I’d been cleared by the shrink once I’d gotten home.
Keeping my eyes on the deep blue sky above me, streaked in places with flaming orange, I started my story. “We received a tip about the location of a drug cartel that we’d been after for some time.”
God, this was going to be harder than I thought. I was only one line in, and already I could hear the buzzing of the comm in my ear, feel the vibration of the helicopter rotor overhead, and smell the musty interior of the old chopper.
Juliana waited patiently for me to catch up to my racing thoughts, keeping my hands in hers and her eyes on me. There was no judgment there, none of the morbid curiosity I would’ve expected to see either.
“Our intel was correct,” I told her. “The cartel was holed up in the desert.”
My hands started to shake as I thought of the next part that I had to tell her, and I tried to will them to be still. Juliana held on tighter, and the small gesture calmed me, helping me to focus and keep going.
“We found them quite easily, and we’d taken about half of them down. A guy jumped out at us, and we didn’t expect it because we thought we’d cleared that part of the compound. He had an AK, and he mowed her down so fast she didn’t stand a chance of taking cover or getting off a shot of her own. We did take him out, but not fast enough. May was already gone.”