by JB Heller
My heart fractures when I realise none of that even matters right now. His best friend might lose her baby. I can’t think of anything more horrific than losing a child. My palm rests against my own empty belly as the thought alone rocks me to my core.
Tapping my phone screen, I note thirty minutes has passed since I called Kallie. She will be here soon. She and Abe live about forty minutes out of town. I need something to do so I sit here staring at my phone screen, tapping it every time it dims, counting down the minutes until Kallie is by my side.
Warm arms circle me, jolting me out of my entranced state. I didn’t even notice she’d arrived.
“I’m here now, El. It’s going to be okay,” she whispers into my ear, trying to bring me comfort that I know only Zak can provide. I squeeze her back all the same.
“Thank you,” I murmur as she releases her hold on me.
Kallie’s lifts her hand to my face, tucking stray hairs behind my ear then cups my cheek. “Now tell me what you know,” she coaches, dropping her hand to reach inside her bag then she hands me a hair tie.
Tying my bed hair in a messy bun on top of my head, I tell her everything I can remember. I watch her face crumple as my story continues, covering everything from last night until my phone call to her.
I swallow thickly past the lump of emotion in my throat, “I’m so selfish,” I tell her, “I was sitting here fussing over whether Zak knew if Lulu was pregnant, when I should have been thinking about that poor woman possibly losing her baby.”
Kallie shakes her head. “No, honey, you’re not selfish. You wouldn’t have realised the error of your thought process if you were genuinely selfish,” she assures me, tucking more fly away hairs behind my ear. “Now stay here, I’m going to go talk to the nurse and see if my father’s name and numerous donations can get more information.”
She gets to her feet, turns and presses a kiss to my temple then strides over to the reception desk. Without missing a beat she glares down at the nurse sitting behind the desk and begins questioning her.
I’m watching her weave her high society, I’m-a-senator’s-daughter-and-my-money-pays-your-wages magic over the nurse, when someone drops down into the seat beside me. My head snaps to the side, ready to tell them to shove off when I recognise the sharp jaw and stern features. It’s Abe, Kallie’s other half and Zak’s closest guy friend.
“She’s doing that for you,” Abe says, his focus never leaving Kallie.
My eyes return to my best friend and I know what he’s talking about. Kallie hates her name, she walked away from the high society life when Abe showed her she didn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want. Her father be damned. The fact she’s throwing her status around right now is solely for my benefit.
“I know,” I nod, agreeing with the Neanderthal beside me.
His eyes remain trained on her as he speaks to me, “You were talking about Lulu on the phone, weren’t you?”
I swallow hard. “Yes,” I whisper.
Abe nods, then tilts his head down and to the side to stare at me. “I’ve never seen Zak so caught up in another person like he is with you. Not even Lulu,” he says.
He’s being nice to me. I frown. “I know,” I mumble, then narrow my eyes on Abe. Why is he being nice to me? He and I do not get along. Never have, and frankly never will, despite our counterparts being the other’s best friend.
“What?” he snaps, “Stop looking at me like you’re about to scalp me. I was comforting you, woman,” he glares down at me.
Leaning back in the plastic chair, making it squeak annoyingly, I keep my eyes on his scowling face. “The question is why?”
Abe rolls his eyes and gets to his feet, stalking away from me and over to Kallie who’s in an intense conversation with someone wearing a suit. Administration, maybe? I flip Abe off when he looks over his shoulder at me, eyes still narrowed. Then Kallie points back to me and I tense. A second later she waves me over, “Ellie, come on, I know where he is.”
My eyes flick around our surroundings as I follow Abe, Kallie, and the suit, down a long corridor. I read every sign I see along the way, and it seems we’re going to the neonatal unit. I don’t understand. “Kallie, I think we’re going the wrong way,” I speak up from behind her.
Her posture is rigid as she turns to me, halting the progress of our little group. Stepping forward she takes my hands in hers, her eyes are shining with unshed tears. What the hell?
I step back, leaving her hands hanging in mid-air. “What’s going on?”
Abe steps up to Kallie’s side, a warning on his face, but I ignore him and focus on my friend. “Kalista,” I use her full name, letting her know I’m onto her. “Tell me what’s going on. Where are we going?”
She swallows hard then looks back at the suit. “Is there a waiting room we could have a few moments in, please?”
He nods, then shows us to a small room with two couches, a few chairs, and a small kitchenette. “I’ll just wait in the hall,” he tells us, closing the door behind him.
Kallie takes my hand, tightening her grip when I try to pull away, then tugs me to one of the couches. “Sit,” she commands, when I don’t immediately follow her lead.
Huffing, I do as she says.
Abe stands against the wall beside the door, also listening intently. So, he doesn’t know either.
Kallie licks her lips, then holds my stare with her own. “I don’t know how to say any of this, El, it’s all so…” She pauses, “Fucking awful,” she murmurs, rubbing her palms down her jean clad thighs.
My heart drops as does my stare and a heavy weight settles in my stomach. “Is the baby okay?”
She nods, “Yeah, the baby is perfect. From what I’ve been told.”
I take a deep breath, that’s good, really good. “Thank god,” I sigh with relief for Lulu. But tilt my chin at Kallie, why is she so tense? “Kallie, what’s so awful?” I’m afraid to hear her answer, but I need it.
Kallie’s eyes well up. “Zak’s friend, Lulu…” She takes a deep inhale, “She didn’t make it. They said she was brain dead on arrival, and she was kept alive long enough for Zak to decide what to do regarding the baby.”
My eyes lose focus and the weight in my stomach rolls and churns, I can’t comprehend what she’s saying. I shake my head, blinking repeatedly to clear my vision. “No. No that’s not what Zak said this morning. He said the baby might not make it, not Lulu,” I stress, “It was the baby in trouble, not her.”
Kallie nods. “I know, honey, but all I can tell you is what I’ve been told. We’ll know more once we find Zak.”
It can’t be right, I’m certain Zak said she might lose her baby. He didn’t say anything about Lulu’s life being in danger. I’m sure he didn’t. But if this is true…I force myself to swallow past the thickening in my throat as the knowledge of the intense pain and anguish Zak must be going through consumes me.
I need to find him. Now.
Chapter Ten
ELLIE
Time slows as I’m led back down the corridor we veered off earlier, and we’re shown past another nurse’s station. My heart thuds forcefully in my chest, every beat driving blood through my cold body. Abe and Kallie flank me, both there to catch me if I fall.
Abe’s presence is strangely comforting, he’s a wall of strength when I feel as though I have none. I glance up at him keeping pace with me, and he tilts his head down to meet my eyes then wraps one large arm around my shoulders, lending me the strength I so desperately need.
I need to be strong for Zak. He needs me now more than ever and I’ll be damned if I let my own emotions stop me from being what he needs. I can only imagine how he feels. I know what it was like to think I was going to lose Kallie, it was the worst day of my life. But this situation is so far from that…he had no time to prepare himself, no warning.
The suit stops outside a quiet room, “Just inside here,” he tells Kallie, she give him a dismissive nod and he leaves.
The door is ajar
, but I hesitate to push it open, afraid of what I’ll find on the other side. Abe squeezes my shoulder then releases me. He reaches for the door and at the very last second, I grab his wrist, stopping him. For Zak, I will do anything.
Pressing my cool palm against the heavy wooden door, it swings open with a soft creek. My breath catches in my throat when I find Zak, sitting in an armchair under the window, a petite bundle held close to his wide chest. His big arms make the bundle look tiny. When I catch sight of his tear stained cheeks, my chest constricts, feeling his pain as if it were my own.
He doesn’t notice us standing in the now open doorway. His neck is bent, forehead resting against the much smaller one of the babe in his arms. I choke on a sob, my feet finally becoming unglued as I move to crouch at his side. “Zak,” I whisper, “I’m so, so sorry, baby.” I silently pray he can feel how much I mean the words.
It’s as if I’m not even here. He doesn’t respond or react to my presence at all, lost in his grief. Agony radiates from his body, making my throat swell until I gasp aloud. His head jerks towards me. “Red?” he asks, bewilderment in his bloodshot eyes.
I reach for him, cupping his rough cheek. “I’m sorry,” I say again, smoothing the pad of my thumb under his eye, wiping away the remnant of tears there.
The weight of his head drops into my palm tipping me off balance. “Shit,” I say as I begin to topple, but Abe catches me just before I hit the ground. Though I think the floor would have been a softer landing.
“Thank you,” I murmur, righting myself and returning to Zak’s side. I scan his features, his eyes are dark and hollow, intensifying the ache in my chest. Tears burn my eyes and I try to hold them back. He needs me to be strong, I can’t fall apart now. I clench my teeth so hard they grind together from the pressure, but it works and my tears subside.
Zak offers me his hand and I take it, shuffling closer to his side on my knees. I press a soft kiss to the inside of his rough palm and when I look down at his fingers I startle. “What happened to your hand?” His knuckles are red, some of them busted.
He swallows thickly. “I hit the wall a few times,” he says softly. A single, fat tear leaks from his eye, rolling down his cheek and over his full lips, “She’s gone, Red. Lu’s gone. They couldn’t save her,” his gravelly voice is rough, broken.
I nod, “I know baby, I’m so sorry.” I hold onto his hand with both of mine, pressing it to my chest.
The bundle in his arms fusses and Zak pulls his hand away from me to rock the baby. “Shh,” he coos, “I’ve got you, I’ve got you now. It’s going to be okay, Kadyn.” He presses his lips to the baby’s head and it settles with his attention.
Keeping his eyes on the tiny human in his arms he says, “This is Kadyn Louisa. Lu’s baby girl.”
She’s so beautiful. Big brown doe eyes framed by soft caramel skin blink sluggishly, and my soul yearns for her. Soft black curls rest on her delicate forehead. So many curls…I didn’t know babies were born with this much hair. I admire her beauty as she puckers her little rosebud lips. “She’s amazing,” I tell Zak, and he nods in response.
Abe approaches Zak, placing a firm hand on his shoulder, “She’s a beauty, mate.”
Zak looks up at his friend as if only just realising there are more people in the room.
“What are you doing here?” Zak asks Abe, who shrugs.
Kallie answers for them, “Ellie called, and we came straight away. We’re so incredibly sorry for your loss, Zak. I can’t even begin to imagine…” She steps forward and wraps her arms around him, careful not to squash the baby.
Zak clears his throat, “Uh, I—I don’t know what to say.” He looks back down to little Kadyn. “I didn’t even know she existed,” he tells us. Then his eyes find mine again, regret mingled with his grief. “Red, I think she’s mine.”
My heart stops. At least that’s what it feels like. Then it takes off running, not wanting to be here, trying to escape the confines of my rib cage. I press my hand over it and close my eyes. Losing my balance, I drop to my butt on the floor.
The man I love is holding the most gorgeous baby girl I’ve ever seen, and she isn’t mine. But she very well may be his.
Nausea rolls through me, I scramble to my feet and dash into a small bathroom in the corner of the nursery we’re in. Slamming the door and locking it behind me, I hang my head over the sink, splashing my face with cold water. Sour saliva pools in my mouth as bile rises up my throat.
“Whoa, man, that’s not possible,” Abe’s voice carries through the door, “You and Lulu weren’t like that, bro. Where’s her boyfriend? The gangbanger?”
A different kind of pain sweeps through my body as I listen to Zak tell our friends just how possible it is that Kadyn is his baby. When I’m sure I’ve gained control of my stomach, I turn off the tap and press my back against the door, sliding to the ground where I wrap my arms around my legs and silently cry.
ZAK
“Can you hold her, please?” I ask Kalista. I need to talk to Ellie, she’s upset and I get it.
Kalista gawks at me, her eyes fly to Kadyn in my arms and she shakes her head. “Uh, no. Nope, I’ll break her. Here…” She shoves Abe towards me as she takes a step back, “He’ll hold her.”
Abe rolls his eyes but reaches out for Kadyn. “Give her to me.”
Slowly getting to my feet, I hand her to Abe as carefully as I can. She’s so small, not even six pounds. I’m terrified I’m going to fuck something up—my hands are bigger than her petite head. When the nurse brought her into me, I panicked. What am I going to do with her? She’s so tiny and fragile, and I’m so big and cumbersome.
Once I’m sure she’s okay with Abe, I nod and take three steps to the closed bathroom door. I can hear Ellie crying through the thin divide. I test the handle, but she’s locked it. Sighing, I flatten my palm against the door. “Ellie, let me in, please?”
I don’t have the energy to fight with her, so when she doesn’t comply, I say what I need to say through the door, “Red, I didn’t mean for this to happen. And even if I knew about Kadyn, Lu and I wouldn’t have been together. It wasn’t right between us, you know that. You know I still would have wanted you the moment we met, nothing would have changed how I feel about you.”
Feeling the weight of the last few hours hanging heavy on my shoulders, I lean forward, resting my head on the wood. The door opens and I tilt forward, falling right into Red. Her arms open as I stumble towards her, and she holds onto me as our footsteps falter.
Once we’re steady, she lifts her head, looking up at me with mesmerising green eyes. “I know,” she says, “I love you, this doesn’t change that. I swear nothing will ever change that. But, Zak…” Her soft hand cups my jaw, and tears roll over her cheeks. “This does change things. I don’t know the first thing about babies. I don’t know how to help you through this. But I will try. Okay?” She pushes to her tiptoes, and I bring my head down as she wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me tenderly.
I can’t lose Red too, the thought plays on repeat through my subconscious.
I can’t lose her too.
Chapter Eleven
ZAK
“So, where’s Lulu’s boyfriend? Shouldn’t he know about all this?” Abe asks.
We’re all seated in the nursery assigned to Kadyn, and Abe is still holding her securely in his arms. Her tiny lips pucker, then she squirms letting out a little cry. I’m on my feet instantly, ready to take her from him, but he doesn’t hand her over. Instead he adjusts her position and rubs his hand over her back. He’s good with her. I’ll have to remember that.
I sit back down next to Red, curling my arm around her shoulder and tugging her into my side. I need her close. She smiles up at me and presses her hand to my chest, right over my heart. I relax back into the couch.
“I don’t have his number and Lu’s phone was destroyed in the accident. I gave the officer who met me his name so she’s tracking him down,” I tell them.
Abe n
ods, “Has a paternity test been done yet?”
Raising my brow, I ask, “Why? What’s with the questions?”
He sighs heavily, shifting Kadyn a little before answering, “We need to be ready when the boyfriend comes around wanting to take his baby.”
Tension fills my entire body. No one is taking Kadyn away from me, unless it’s over my dead fucking body. My arm around Red’s shoulder tightens, and she pinches my side. “Shit, sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I apologise.
She shakes her head, stray strands of red hair moving around her face. “It’s okay, just settle down, you can’t be like that around the baby. What if you were holding her right now? It would have been her you squeezed, not me.”
My eyes widen, fuck. I’m going to fuck this up, I know it.
“Just breathe. If we can sort all this out now, it will make it easier when he arrives,” she says. She’s still looking into my eyes, showing she’s on my side.
Nodding, I do my best to pull myself together. “Okay, I’ll talk to the nurse when she comes in with another bottle for her.”
“Good,” Abe says. “Now how are we going to deal with him? I don’t imagine he’s going to be too happy when he learns you were here instead of him this whole time. The guy’s a wanker, but he’s going to be pretty messed up about all this too.”
I hadn’t given Paco a thought since it all went down. He probably does think Kadyn is his. Fuck, why didn’t Lu say anything to me about her? Pressure closes in around my heart again, making it hard to breathe. You’ve left such a mess, Lu.
With my thumb and forefinger, I massage my aching temples. If I were Paco, I’d be pissed—no, furious. We’ve only met twice in the two years he was dating Lu, and neither time did we even pretend to like each other. I understand Lu not wanting to tell him we slept together, but damn it she got pregnant! How could she not tell me?