by JB Heller
“Thank God,” he mutters, “I’m so tired, but it’s more than that…I think I’m beyond tired. I couldn’t fall asleep if you paid me. Or maybe I could. I’m not sure.”
I nod in complete agreement. “Preaching to the choir,” I tell him, resting my head against the back of the couch. Exhaustion is a funny thing, one minute I feel so alive I could bounce off the walls, the next I feel so heavy I don’t even want to try moving for fear I’m paralysed. “This parenting gig is tough,” I murmur, closing my eyes for a moment, just one little peaceful moment…
A sharp cry pierces the air and my eyes spring open, honing in on Kadyn still laying against Zak’s chest. “Hey, baby,” I whisper, moving over to rub her back. It would seem Zak slept through that. He must be even more tired than me, that or he’s dead. Can you die from lack of sleep?
Kadyn snuffles and fusses, her little legs kicking so furiously one of her socks has come off. I replace the sock then pick her up. “There you go, no more cold toes,” I croon as I pace the lounge room, stroking her back as I go. Checking the clock, I realise it’s already time for a feed. I must have dozed off for a few minutes.
I don’t want to wake Zak now that he’s finally getting some much needed rest, so I take the extra few minutes to prepare the bottle one handed.
I’m feeding Kadyn in the white rocking chair Kallie bought when she arrives, letting herself in with the key’s Zak gave her so she can come and go as she pleases. “Hello,” she whisper calls into the house from the entryway.
“Lounge room,” I call back. I figure if Zak slept through Kadyn’s squeal, he’ll sleep through a regular volume conversation.
Kallie enters the room holding a cardboard cup tray full of coffees and a large doughnut box. “Abe will be dropping by soon,” she tells me, setting the tray and box on the coffee table. “Oh, don’t you look awful,” she says, cringing at the site of me.
“Thanks, you look fabulous as always,” I mock. She takes a seat in an armchair and crosses her legs, still watching me closely.
An idea pops into my head and I know I have to act fast. Quickly I stand, “Here,” I say, placing Kadyn in Kallie’s lap. “You’ll need to burp her in another minute, then she can finish off what’s left. When she’s finished, you’ll need to burp her again,” I tell a stunned Kallie, “I’m going for a shower, I don’t remember the last time I had one.”
Her eyes widen even further, it’s almost comical, but I’m too tired to laugh. “You can’t leave her with me. I’ll break her,” she calls after my retreating form.
I call back over my shoulder, “No, you won’t. I hear babies bounce.”
“That’s not funny!” I hear faintly as I close the bathroom door and strip out of my manky clothes.
Ten minutes later, I exit the bathroom feeling like a human again. Wrapping a towel around my wet hair I go to check on Kallie and Kadyn. My jaw unhinges when I see Kadyn sleeping peacefully in Kallie’s arms. “What did you do to her?”
Kallie immediately tenses. “What? Did I do it wrong?”
I frown, coming in to get a better look. Kadyn’s wrapped tightly in a soft pink blanket. She’s not wriggling, kicking, or fussing. “What is this sorcery?”
My friends’ eyes glaze over with tears. “What’d I do? I thought she would like it. She was upset and I saw this blanket when I was shopping this morning. I thought it was pretty, what’s wrong with it?”
Rolling my eyes, I point at Kadyn’s tiny sleeping face. “She’s asleep. How did you do that? We’ve been flat out getting her to doze for more than twenty minutes at a time since we got her home.”
Kallie’s eyes sparkle and her lips part in a smile. “You mean, I got her to sleep when you can’t?”
I glare at her. “Just tell me what voodoo magic you used so I can do it again later.”
“Easy,” Kallie says, “She was wriggling so much I couldn’t hold her still or get her to settle so I wrapped her up all tight like they did at the hospital,” she shrugs like, duh.
Tipping my head back, I slap my forehead and mutter curses at the ceiling. How could I have forgotten about the blankets? Idiot. “Thank you,” I say softly, “I forgot we kept her wrapped up at the hospital. It completely slipped my mind with everything else going on when we got her home, you know? It’s a lot to take in.” I smile faintly, grateful for everything Kallie has done for us, for Kadyn, but also so tired I could fall asleep standing right here.
Kallie gets to her feet, balancing Kadyn in one arm and wrapping the other around my shoulders. “I know, sweetie. You’re doing amazing, especially considering you had no time to even get used to the idea of being a mother. You took on all this at a moment’s notice and I’m so proud of you, babe.” She squeezes my shoulder and kisses my cheek. “Go get some sleep, I’ll be okay with her…while she’s sleeping, at least. I’ll wake you if I need anything.”
Chapter Seventeen
ZAK
Since Kalista reminded Ellie and I about wrapping Kadyn at sleep time, she’s been a dream. She’s even pushed her feeds to four hourly all by herself. Thank god because if things carried on the way they were the first few days we were home, I don’t know what I would have done. We did sleep deprivation drills in the military but fuck me, it’s a whole different thing when there’s a baby involved.
Now that we’re in a routine, life is getting easier. But Paco’s words are never far from my thoughts. This isn’t over. You know she belongs with me. Don’t for a second think I won’t be back for her. I don’t doubt his threat, I know he’ll come for Kadyn. I just don’t know when, which is stressing me the fuck out. I need to make a move before he gets the chance.
“What’s up, man?” Alec asks. He’s come to visit with Abe and the other boys for the first time since they assembled Kadyn’s bedroom furniture for us.
I check that Red is fully absorbed in whatever she’s doing with Kadyn, then gesture to the back-sliding doors, “Come outside for a minute, we need to talk.” Their expressions turn all business at my words and they follow me out onto the deck.
Once Michael closes the door behind Will’s wheelchair, I lean back against the railing, crossing my arms. “Paco’s not going to let this go. Before I kicked him out at the hospital, he told me he’s going to come for Kadyn.”
Abe’s eyes flare. “Why the fuck are you only telling us this now?”
“Because my brain hasn’t exactly been functioning at full capacity lately,” I snarl. I know I should have told them when it happened, but all I could focus on was Kadyn being safe in my arms.
“No shit. I could have put a tail on him when he left the hospital, now we’ve gotta find the fucker so we can get eyes on him,” Abe fires back.
Pushing off the railing, I step up, chest to chest with my best friend. “Don’t you think I fucking know that?” I get in his face, keeping my voice low so as not to alert Red to our conversation.
Abe’s palms smack into my chest, shoving me back into the railing again. “Get your head straight man, or nothing I do is going to help. I know you’ve got a new baby to take care of, but I need your head in the game if we’re going to keep her safe.”
I breathe through my nose. I know he’s trying to help, but I want to drive my fist through his face right now. I’m not even sure if it’s because I’m so pissed with myself for not acting sooner or if Abe’s attitude is fully out of line. I can’t think straight and my fingers flex readying for a fight.
Michael must read my expression because he comes to stand by my side, placing his hand on my shoulder. “We’ve got this, man. No one is going to touch that baby. Abe says this Paco is a gangbanger, you know Danny took over the shady side of our dad’s business right? I’ll see if he knows anything about him. It’s a starting point,” Michael says, looking me in the eyes.
I nod, it’s a good plan. I’m pretty sure Paco will have relocated by now, he’s got street smarts, and right now he’s got the upper hand. “Thanks, man, I’d really appreciate that,” I tell Mic
hael.
He slaps my back. “You got it. That baby is lucky to have you and the little leprechaun,” he winks and chuckles at his nickname for Red. “I’ll call Danny now and see what he can dig up.”
A smile ticks at my mouth. I kinda wish she heard him calling her that, just so I could see her in action again. It’s been a while since she’s lost her shit at Abe, and it’s seriously my favourite thing to watch. I don’t care who her victim is, Abe or Michael, as long as it’s not me.
Michael wanders off the deck and into the yard as he makes the call to his brother. Never thought I’d be grateful for knowing a drug dealer. Danny isn’t a bad guy really, it wasn’t his choice to take over his dad’s business. If Danny didn’t step up to the plate, someone worse would have.
“I need a drink,” I mutter, rubbing my temples.
“I’ll take one too,” Will pipes up while watching his brother on the phone, “Michael will probably want one too.”
I nod, checking if the other guys want something, then go inside to get a few cold ones. Abe, Alec, and I have finished our beers by the time Michael comes back to the deck. I watch him as he approaches, searching for any sign he has good news for me.
He takes a seat at the picnic table facing me. “Danny’s putting some of his boys on it. He doesn’t know him personally, so he thinks he must be a small-time dealer, not a heavy hitter. Otherwise Danny would know him.”
“Okay, thanks, man,” I tell him, standing to retrieve refills.
Coming back out, I notice Alec is unusually quiet today, normally you can’t shut that guy up. “What’s up with you?”
He shrugs. “Nothin’, why?”
I raise a brow, “Seriously? You haven’t made one wise crack since you got here. Actually, you haven’t said anything at all. You got somewhere else you’re supposed to be?”
Alec straightens, tips back the rest of his beer and burps, “Nope, just tired, bro.”
“You think you’re tired? How about you take night duty with Kadyn tonight?” I retort.
Alec swallows, “Ah, no,” he says, crushing his empty beer can. “That kid is cute and all, but no. I don’t do nappies.”
“Except your own you mean,” Will jokes and we join in his laughter.
“ZAK!” Red’s scream echo’s through the house.
I’m on my feet and inside before the other guys know what I’m doing. I find Ellie standing by the front door, an envelope and piece of paper held tightly in her quivering hands. “Red, what is it?”
She hands me the paper, and my eyes scan over the messy writing. It’s from Paco. He wants me to go meet him, with Kadyn. I glare at the letter. It’s a set up, it has to be. I have absolutely no reason to meet up with him. I can’t figure out the point of trying to organise a meet up when he knows I’d never be dumb enough to go for it.
“Who gave you this?” I ask a still shaking Ellie.
“A messenger,” she says, “There was a knock at the door and when I answered it they gave me the letter and left.”
Okay, so he didn’t bring it himself, that’s something at least. I skim the note again.
“What is it?” Abe asks from behind me.
Glancing over my shoulder, I lift the note into the air showing him. “He wants to meet up. Him, me and Kadyn. Tomorrow.”
“And why would you do that?” Abe asks, confused.
“I didn’t say I am, dipshit. That’s what the letter says, but I can’t work out why he’d bother? He knows I’m not going to meet him, he’s a smart guy. So why send the letter? What’s the point?”
Red wraps her arms around my middle, holding onto me tightly. “He still wants her, doesn’t he?”
I press my lips to her hair. “Yeah, Red, he does.”
“How do we stop him?” she asks, no more fear or apprehension in her tone.
Looking down at her as she stares back up at me, I know Ellie will do anything to help me keep Kadyn safe. Determination blazes like liquid flames in her green eyes, “Just tell me what I need to do.”
I wish I knew what to tell her. I wish I had a plan. But I don’t. I’m flying blind here. “When I know, I’ll tell you.” I kiss her forehead, then her lips, savouring the strength her presence gives me.
It’s my turn to feed, bath, and change Kadyn, but Red is doing it so the boys and I can formulate a way to end this thing with Paco before it progresses any further. I can’t rest until he’s is no longer a threat. I can’t have him coming anywhere near my girls.
Boxes of takeout sit scattered around my lounge room where we discuss the best course of action. “So…what? You think showing up at his new digs and kickin’ his ass is going to stop him coming after Kadyn? Is that it? Because I’m sorry man but short of killing the dude and setting off a gang retaliation, I don’t see another way you’re going to get him to back down,” Will says, perfecting a wheel stand in his new wheelchair.
Rubbing the palm of my hand against the scruff of my jaw, I sigh in frustration. “No…fuck, I don’t know. I just know I can’t let him rock up here thinking he’s going to walk away with my daughter.”
Will may be young, but the kid is smart. His brothers don’t give him enough credit. I know they deliberately kept him away from their father’s shady shit in an attempt to protect him from the life, but he knows more than he lets on. I actually think this situation has brought him out of his depression some, I haven’t seen or heard him talk this much in months.
He got discharged from the hospital a couple of weeks ago, and as far as I knew he hadn’t left the house until the boys brought him here to help make Kadyn’s crib. He held her for a couple of hours that night, and since then, he’s come out of himself more each day.
I’m happy to have him here, to get his input on how to handle this. I’m open to all suggestions at this point.
“You can’t risk taking him out, only for his boys to try to avenge him or some shit,” Alec chimes in.
“I didn’t say I want to kill the bastard. If it came down to it, I wouldn’t hesitate, but Lu loved him for whatever fucked up reason so if there’s a peaceful way out of this, I’ll take it,” I tell them, meaning every word. Lu wouldn’t want things to go down like that, so if I can help it, they won’t.
“Fuck it,” I announce, “I’m going to see him. Soon as Danny knows where to find him, I’m going to go talk to him. If he truly loved Lu the way he claims to then he won’t do this.”
“That’s the stupidest fucking idea you’ve ever had,” Abe explodes, pushing to his feet. “You go there, you’re on his turf with his people surrounding you. You want to die? Cause that’s the only way that scenario ends.”
Spearing my hands through my hair I tug on the ends. “I need to talk to him. He says Kadyn is his because he’s the one who cared for Lu throughout the pregnancy. He loved her. And Lu wouldn’t want this. What else can I do?”
“Yeah well, Lu’s the one who put you both in this situation, Zak. I don’t think she really gave a flying fuck how this would affect either of you. She was only thinking about herself,” Abe fires back.
I’m over the coffee table and in his face in a flash. “You didn’t even know her!” I grit, fisting his shirt and dragging him closer to me. Arms band around me, pulling me back before I can actually do anything to Abe’s stupid face.
“Sit your ass down!” Alec says, altogether too calmly. “Do you want to wake that baby up?” he whispers harshly in my ear and it grounds me instantly.
Shrugging out of his hold, I stalk from the room, leaving Alec and Abe arguing over whatever the fuck has crawled up Abe’s ass.
Chapter Eighteen
ZAK
Opening the front door, I find Michael standing on the porch, hands in his pockets. “Hey, man, come in.” I open the door wider for him to enter.
“Danny came through with an address,” he tells me, coming to a stop in the kitchen.
“Great,” relief washes over me. I wait for him to tell me what it is, but he stares at his boots
, hands on his hips, ignoring me. “Dude, the address?”
His troubled eyes meet mine. “It’s not good, he’s laying low with his supplier. And that’s a dude you don’t want to fuck with.”
I blink at him, waiting for more information.
He sighs and plants his hands on the counter. “He’s hanging out at Eastman’s compound. That place is almost as heavily guarded as my father’s—or I should say Danny’s—place,” he snorts but it’s not in amusement.
Shaking his head, he looks at me, pain in his eyes. “Danny never wanted this, none of us did. Now look where we are. I’ve got a straight job with Abe but look at my brothers. They’re fucked. Will is in a goddamn wheelchair, possibly for the rest of his life, and Danny is stuck running a multinational crime syndicate.”
“I know, man, and if I could have changed anything that day when shit went down with your old man and Kalista, it would be what happened to Will. He didn’t deserve that. And neither did Danny, but we make our own choices in life, Mickey. Each choice leads us to exactly where we need to be. How else would you have found Kalista?” I ask him.
Gritting his teeth, he nods. “You’re right,” he swallows, “I know you’re right. And I shouldn’t be putting my shit on you when you’ve got bigger problems on your hands right now. I’m sorry, man.”
Clamping my hand over his shoulder the same way he did to me a few days ago, I tell him, “Don’t sweat it, bro. We all have our own battles to fight. Mine just happen to be the priority at this present moment in time. But I promise you, I’ll do whatever I can to help you deal with your family situation when this is all over.”
Dropping his head, he mutters, “Thank you, Zak. I don’t know how to handle Will’s condition and I have no idea how to help Danny…” He sighs. “But you’re right, we deal with this first. I’ll take you to Paco, Eastman himself is not a completely bad guy. Danny says he’s got daughters of his own, that might be our in.”