“And I have more to do. What do we need to talk about?” She wrapped her arms around her shins. She understood that Sekiro wanted to talk about meeting her both parents, but what was there to say?
“Meeting your parents has made your soul too heavy. You need to relieve yourself of some of the burden.”
Soul too heavy? Roxie didn’t question it since she felt literally weighed down by her emotions. She couldn’t deny feeling a need for some sort of closure with her parents. At least her slip and fall had eased the pain a bit.
“So,” Sekiro said, “mom or dad first?”
Roxie groaned inwardly. “Mom, just to get it over with.”
Sekiro nodded.
“I can’t believe my grandmother hid Mom’s suicide all this time. If I’d known, I think I still would’ve gone to see her here, and it would’ve been easier to deal with. Her cold uncaring attitude was such a slap in the face.”
“But would you have been as happy all those years, knowing how selfish your mother is?”
“No, but--” Roxie thought a moment, trying to sort out how she felt and understand what she wanted from this talk. “Part of me is glad to finally have the truth, but at the same time it hurts. I’ve been embracing a lie my whole life, found happiness in the lie, and I don’t know if my grandmother would’ve volunteered the truth without my asking.”
Sekiro raised her brows. “You never asked?”
“I did once I was old enough to understand death. I don’t remember her exact words, but I know she never went into specifics with my mom like she did with my dad. I think I was too young to push for more details. I just made up my own explanation at some point, so I can’t really blame her.”
“Do you think it would’ve made either of you happy if your grandmother told you the truth?” Sekiro hugged her own knees.
“No,” Roxie admitted. “But I don’t understand why she willingly let me believe a lie. I’d rather know the truth no matter how much it hurt. I feel like a naive child. All those daydreams I had, pretending I was on one adventure or another with my parents... they never would’ve happened. I’ve always imagined them as these perfect people, but now I can’t deny that they’re just as human as the next person.”
“That’s something every kid learns.”
“Hm?”
“That our parents are human.”
“True. I guess growing up without them--I mean, I understood they were human when I learned the same about my grandmother--but, since they were never around, my imagination went wild with notions of perfection.” Cut the thing out. “My own mother never wanted me.”
“I’m sorry.”
Roxie looked at the Numina, confused. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I could’ve tried harder to persuade you to avoid at least your mom, but--”
“Trust me, nothing would’ve changed my mind. I was determined to see them both.”
Sekiro bowed her head. “That you were.”
“I don’t regret it. I’m glad I know the truth and that I got to meet them, despite what happened.”
“Your mother almost killed you. I thought she’d killed you but somehow you brought yourself back.”
Roxie’d forgotten about that already. Funny how memory worked sometimes. Her mother’s attempt to suck her energy dry had impacted her less than hearing her mother tell the doctors to cut Roxie out of her belly so she wouldn’t have to deal with motherhood. “I’m not sure how I did that. I just willed myself to stay alive. But anyway, how am I supposed to make peace with the truth that my mother doesn’t love me and is stuck in a self-made hell?”
“Her hell isn’t your problem.”
“I know but I wish I could help.”
“You do know that giving her every last drop of your energy wouldn’t have helped her at all, right?”
“I had a feeling that was true when she mentioned all her failed escape attempts. What does she need to free herself from there?”
“I would have to spend time with her, like other Numina have. What I do know is that she’s stuck on a truth she isn’t willing to see at true.”
“Her suicide?”
“It relates to that, I bet. It could be that she needs to accept that committing suicide for such reasons was selfish, or that she should’ve tried to bond with and love you, or that she needs to let go of Charles, something along those lines. It could be a combination of all those and more. We humans are simple yet intricate. Every soul is unique.”
“I hope she finds peace one day,” Roxie said, meaning it. She didn’t enjoy the thought of her mother reliving childbirth and suicide endlessly, the events overshadowed by news of her husband’s death. She wouldn’t wish such an afterlife on anyone.
“So do I. All souls deserve to find peace.”
“If I get out of here and survive what I need to do, would there be a way to help her at all?”
“Of course. The most hateful souls need the most love.”
Roxie considered Sekiro’s words as the Numina hopped to another boulder. “I don’t like her but I can’t find it in myself to hate her. I pity her and how miserable she is more than anything. I have plenty reason to hate her but I just can’t.”
“She’s your mother, the only one you’ll ever have.”
Roxie nodded. “I think that’s what makes it impossible to hate her, so it’s just a matter of what to do with her.”
“What do you think you should do?” Sekiro began flitting from treetop to snow-covered treetop, touching each pine with the ball of her foot before moving on to the next. It was like watching a fairy dancing midair. Her movements didn’t disturb the snow or trees.
“Let her go,” Roxie admitted. “Accept the truth. Accept the hurt. Keep moving forward. If all goes well, I’ll go back to the hospital from the living side and leave her a gift in the room she died in. If that doesn’t help her, then there’s nothing more I can do.”
“Right. And that sounds great.”
“I think the hardest part will be accepting that I can’t do anything to help.”
“So long as you keep reminding yourself, you’ll be fine. Having to accept a lack of control is difficult for so many people. Do your best to not let it get you down.”
“I will.”
Sekiro paused atop a tree, arms out and one leg bent. “Good. You’ve made yourself aware of everything you needed to in regards to you mom, and have opened yourself to move on. What’s got you hung up on your father?”
Roxie had to admit that she felt a little lighter already. She still felt tears wanting out but they didn’t feel so urgent anymore. She turned her thoughts to her father. “Do you think he really played favorites, or was that my mother’s imagination?”
Sekiro alighted on Roxie’s boulder. “It’s hard to say but I have a sneaking suspicion he might have, sadly, since he’s still with a Numina. However, he could still be on his internal journey for reasons unrelated to you or Dana.”
“True. I just can’t get over how my mom might be right when Dad didn’t even ask what happened to Mom after my verbal slip.”
“Well he was focused on you, since you were right in front of him.”
“That’s also true but... even when he calmed down, it was still all about me. He didn’t even ask his Numina about her.”
“At least he loves you very much and has faith in your abilities.”
“Yeah, and for both those things I’m very thankful. He genuinely wanted to be a father and be there for me. But now I wonder what kind of husband he was. Why’d he marry Mom? Were they happily married? Did he love her, or was he using her to have kids?”
“How much of that do you think matters anymore?”
Roxie’s heart sank anew. “None of it, probably.” She sighed through her nose. I guess I just want something about my parents to be happy and pure, but it’s all so broken and...” She searched for the right word. “Not some fairytale love story you want to hear about again and again.” That was more than on
e word but whatever. Snow began to fall, slow and gentle. The wintry landscape exuded a calm stillness, and the silent snowfall magnified that. The sight and feel was beautiful. “Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
“Very much so,” Sekiro said, taking a seat and leaning against her.
Roxie welcomed the contact. It felt good to not be all alone in all this.
“Both my parents were druggies. I picked up their bad habits and paid for it with my life. I had to come to terms with that before I could become a Numina. It was hard because I wanted to blame them for all my mistakes. I hated myself for turning out just like them; however, they weren’t the ones who overdosed. I was. They outlived me. I check in on them now and then. They’re no different than when I was alive but that’s not important anymore. I’ve forgiven them for not being perfect, for not being perfect parents, for not trying to straighten themselves out for their daughter’s sake, and for many more things. I’ve accepted responsibility for my own actions and let it all go. Forgiveness does wonders for the soul. It honest to goodness frees you. Do you think you could do that with your parents?”
Roxie bowed her head as her heart tugged her towards forgiveness, yet reaching the end of its chain connected to a ball of disappointment. “I can. I just don’t know how to let go of my disappointment first. I wanted them to be storybook perfect but they’re not.”
“Are any parents perfect?”
“I doubt it, to be honest. They’re all human.”
“Can you bring yourself to hold it against them for being human?”
“No.” Roxie stood and brushed a few flakes from her face. “I’m still glad I know the truth. I prefer this over daydreaming up lies. It helps keep me better grounded in reality.”
Sekiro stood as well. “That’s good to hear. So can you forgive them?”
“I can and do,” she said. “Well, the disappointment is still there but I think I just need time to accept and absorb the truth. I don’t hate either of them and I’m thankful to be alive because of them, but I think I just need to let go of my disappointment to make room for forgiveness. Like, I forgive them but I’m still mad.”
“That’s fine. Such things take time. You’re heading in the right direction and handling all this amazingly well.”
“Thanks, but is it enough to allow me to keep moving forward through this realm?”
“You bet.” Sekiro hopped into the air, wings buzzing. “I can finally see where to take you next, and I never woulda guessed it since I’ve never had to make such a trip with a soul before.”
“Does it have to do with my being alive?”
“Partly.” Sekiro gasped and spun midair.
The snow near the base of the pine trees swirled and fell with the intensity of a blizzard. Roxie put a hand on her hilt and dropped into a fighting stance. “What is it? More shadow people?” That was the last thing she wanted to deal with right now. She’d had enough of fighting until it was time to face Nexus.
A huge grizzly bear stepped out of the frothing snow and gazed at Sekiro. The bear looked... serious. Its black eyes looked right at them. Roxie looked to Sekiro for a hint whether she should draw her sword or not, but the Numina hovered in place and stared in disbelief.
Sekiro’s silver eyes widened and the bear turned around and loped off, disappearing into the trees.
“Sekiro?” Roxie kept her hand on her hilt.
Sekiro shook her head and stopped gaping. “Sorry. Change in plans. You’re needed at the Gate of Passage. There are a few souls who need to see you.”
“A few?”
“Let’s go.” Sekiro grabbed Roxie’s wrist and tugged her into motion.
Roxie executed a superhuman leap into the air and began following the Numina across the lake. “Whose souls? And what was with that bear?”
“People from other worlds, and that bear is a Numina from another world. His name is Firsos and he didn’t say who we’re meeting.”
The lake zoomed by below and gave way to a featureless gloomy space that made Roxie feel like she was inside a cave big enough to contain New York City. The snow vanished and the sun lay hidden behind the gloom, no clouds in sight, even though the light was blocked out as if a daytime storm had rolled in. It looked almost like night. Sekiro flew on, unperturbed. Roxie said, “What is this darkness?”
“The way to the Gate of Passage. We’re going to a place that serves as a hub to all spirit realms. It’s used by Numina.”
Roxie’s imagination ran wild with speculation as to who she was about to see. Aerigo popped into her mind first, but she’d have expected to see him alone, if they were to reunite during all this madness. Maybe it was Yayu and all the other people dying in the war instead. Maybe they wanted to weigh themselves on her conscience or something, and serve as a constant reminder of all the lives being lost while she was stuck in the Realm of the Dead. Or maybe it was other Aigis, ones who wanted to speak to her and give her some pieces of advice and training so she wouldn’t--
Her heart wrenched at the memory of watching Aerigo fall with the dagger in his chest.
So she wouldn’t... repeat history. A fresh wave of emotional pain tore through her.
Sekiro glanced over a shoulder. “You alright back there?”
“I’ll be fine.” Roxie had no clue if she’d be fine. Part of her didn’t want to go. What if Aerigo really was there? She’d have to face the reality of his death. Right now she wasn’t sure if she could handle another emotional blow. But if it wasn’t him, anything else thrown at her would be easier to take. Meeting the victims of Nexus’s war would only fuel her resolve to do what she needed to do to save lives and worlds. If it was other Aigis, she welcomed everything they had to offer. As much as it would hurt to go on living without Aerigo, she’d do her best to be strong like Grandma, who found a way to keep going after having buried her own son.
A giant stone gate rose in the distance, stretching a hundred feet in the hair with bars as thick as trees, all of it wrapped in vines. A stone wall stretched to either side, getting swallowed in darkness. The gate gave Roxie the impression it was incredibly old, maybe older than Earth itself, maybe even literally as old as time.
She and Sekiro touched down on a dirt path surrounded by wild grass spreading as far as the walls. The rolling field made Roxie think of the mythical Elysian Fields. A breeze sent the wild grass dancing and its sigh sounded like it was urging Roxie to smile, lie down, and enter a deep, peaceful sleep for many years to come. She pushed aside the otherworldly urging and followed Sekiro to the gigantic gate.
The vines were covered in black roses as big as Roxie’s face, and smelled elegant, heady. Sekiro checked on Roxie again, then reached for the gate and pushed one side open. It rumbled with the scrape of stone on stone, and once it was open enough to step through, Sekiro waved her to follow and walked inside.
Roxie started to follow but stopped on the threshold. “It won’t shut on us or anything, will it?”
Sekiro popped a bemused smile. “I know it looks like the type of gate to do that but no, it won’t. Plus I’m here with you. Come. They’re waiting through another gate.”
Nervous despite the assurance, Roxie stepped inside, her shield-bearing hand on her hilt for comfort. A stone tile floor splayed out before them and light orbs danced around overhead like fireflies, moving with purpose or floating in place. Inside, the vast space was bustling with hundreds of beings that had to be Numina from every world. Most were humanoids, many others animals, and others ethereal or creatures Roxie had never seen before. She caught sight of one Numina that looked like the incarnation of Death with a cloak and hood, but without the sickle.
The nearest Numina paused in their trek and gawked at Roxie, and Sekiro took hold of her free hand as she guided her deeper inside.
“Sorry. Guess I shoulda warned you that this place would be busy.”
“They’re all staring at me.”
“You’re alive, remember? You’re technically not supposed to
be here.”
“It’s easy to think you and the rest are alive.” Roxie followed closely as Numina as far as she could see stared at her, standing there and watching, like an audience to a parade. The glowing orbs buzzed around overhead, growing thicker in numbers. “What are those things?” Roxie asked, pointing up.
“Energy sprites with the sole purpose of giving off light. They’re attracted to movement, but keep themselves from getting too bunched up.”
“That’s all they do?”
“They don’t think or feel like you or me. They’re about as thoughtful as rocks.” Sekiro veered to another huge stone gate and looked it up and down. “Okay, here’s the first of a few stops. I know Numina and the dead can go in and out, but we’ll see if you’re blocked or not. We’re at a gate to the spirit world belonging to Durna. This’ll probably be the hardest one for you. I figured you’d rather get the hardest part over with.”
Roxie nodded. If what lay on the other side of this gate was the hardest thing she’d face, then she was all for it, despite her pounding heart. She did and didn’t want to go through.
Sekiro pushed the gate open and walked backwards as she waved for Roxie to follow.
Recalling her train incident where she got blocked from boarding, she braced herself for resistance as she stepped over the threshold. She took one step after another and let out her breath at the same time as Sekiro, who turned around and resumed walking forward.
“Well, that’s one less problem to deal with.” Sekiro marched up to the grizzly bear they’d seen earlier. It was lying down, facing them, and raised its head. “Hello, Firsos. As you can see, we made it without trouble.”
Near the bear lay a wolf with a man cloaked in chains sitting next to it, with the excess links trailing off in the grass. Roxie then noticed a second man sitting against the bear’s flank and her heart caught in her throat as her chest tightened. The man sat up, bringing into view a clean-shaven head, broad shoulders, and big, strong arms. His blue-eyed gaze met hers.
Aerigo.
YEAR TWO
Determination Page 14