by Noelle Adams
I wonder if it’s true.
I wonder if Liam came to lunch only because I asked him.
I wonder if he feels as close to me as I feel to him.
And I wonder what will happen after my last day working at Milford. It’s just a week away now. Next week will be my final one.
Anything might happen after that.
THE FOLLOWING MONDAY at the end of the workday, we throw a little party for Kelly in celebration of her new baby. It’s held in the large conference room on the ground floor. There’s cake and punch and some little presents. Kelly and her husband come with their three-year-old daughter and their six-week-old son.
I helped Cindy with the planning of the get-together, so it seems to be expected that I’ll attend. But I feel a little awkward because I’ve never met Kelly before. I’m happy that her son is alive and healthy, but I don’t really know that she’s going to care about my presence here.
When people start mingling, I look for somewhere to stand. Something to do. This is one of my least favorite things in the world. To be in a social situation with no anchor.
I see Cindy cutting the cake into small squares, so I maneuver my way through the crowded room until I reach her. “Do you want me to help at all? I can cut cake or pour punch or whatever.” I’m silently hoping she’ll give me a task. If I don’t have another person to stand with, an assigned task is a suitable anchor for me.
“I think we’re fine on that, but can you please drag Liam out of his office? He really needs to be here.”
My eyes widen. I haven’t seen him here, but the room is so crowded and I’m feeling so awkward that I figured I just hadn’t spotted him yet. “He’s not here? What’s the matter with the man?” Kelly is his assistant. It will be horribly rude and insensitive if he doesn’t show up at her party. “I’ll get him. He probably just lost track of time.”
“Thanks.”
I escape the conference room with a sigh of relief, smile at several people who have spilled out into the hallway with their cake and punch, and then hurry toward the executive suite.
The suite door is open. Liam’s door is open. I’m scowling as I step into his office. “What do you think you’re doing?”
He jerks in surprise and whirls toward me in his desk chair. “What?”
“What are you doing in here?”
“Why are you yelling at me?”
It doesn’t take more than a quick scan of his bewildered face to realize he has no idea what he’s missing. I was right. He got absorbed in work, and the party completely slipped his mind. “Kelly’s party.”
“That’s not until four thirty.” He turns back toward his computer like the issue is resolved.
I make a low sound that’s half laugh and half groan. Then I stomp over behind his desk and grab the armrest of his chair to turn it back toward me. “It’s four forty-five right now, Liam. Kelly’s in there with her husband and daughter and new baby. Everyone is in there but you.”
He blinks up at me, looking for all the world like he just rolled out of bed. “That can’t be right.”
“It is right. Look at the time, Liam. You need to get in there, or you’ll hurt her feelings.”
“Why didn’t you tell me it was time?”
I give an indignant huff. “I called out as I was heading down there more than a half hour ago.”
“I didn’t hear you.”
“Well, you said okay, so you must have heard something.” I reach down and grab both his arms in an attempt to pull him to his feet. If he’d resisted, I couldn’t have done it.
He doesn’t resist. He stands a few inches away from me in the small space between the desk and the bookshelf against the wall. “Kelly’s going to think I don’t care about her.”
“I know that. Why do you think I came to get you?” When he doesn’t answer, I add, “What’s gotten into you anyway? I know you’re always superfocused, but you’re not normally this absentminded.”
“I’ve been distracted lately.” His murmur is thick. Soft. Delicious. Like a caress.
I lick my lips. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Had things on my mind.” His eyes suddenly heat up.
My breath hitches, and my hands fist at my sides. I want to kiss him so badly that my body starts to shake, but we’re in his office with the door open and half the building in and around a conference room down the hall.
Plus I’ve got four more days of working for him.
Kissing him right now would be a huge mistake.
“The party is happening right now,” I say, wishing my voice sounded a little less breathless.
“Okay. Okay. I’m going. Thanks for coming to get me.”
AN HOUR LATER, THE conference room is empty. Kelly and her family have left. And Cindy and I have just finished cleaning up the mess. It’s almost six, which is well past my going-home time, but I don’t really care.
I’ve had a pretty good time. I found that May had arrived when I returned with Liam, so I could go chat with her. She introduced me to a couple of her friends—one a librarian and one a history professor. They’re both women about my age, and they made an effort to get to know me. I really like them, and the time passed quickly, without much brooding over Liam.
“What are we going to do with this?” I ask, gesturing toward the large arrangement of pink and white flowers on the table next to where the cake had been. “Kelly should have brought them home.”
“Her husband is allergic to flowers, so she couldn’t. Why don’t you take it home?”
“I can’t take this home. It must have been expensive. Maybe we can just leave it in the suite.”
“No. Dr. Emory doesn’t like flowers.”
“He doesn’t like flowers?” I gape at her. Dr. Emory, the president, has always seemed like a decent and fairly laid-back guy. I can’t believe him not liking something as innocuous as flowers.
“Don’t ask me why. I tell my husband to never send me flowers. If someone got them in the suite, he wouldn’t say anything, but he’s not going to want us to put leftover flowers there. Just take them home. Your mom will like them, won’t she?”
“Yes. She’d love them. Thank you. You’re sure?” I stroke one of the pink tulip petals gently.
“Yes, please take them. Otherwise, they’ll sit on this table until they die or until Dr. Emory wants to have a meeting in here, then he’ll want us to throw them away.”
“Okay. I don’t want them to go to waste. Thank you.” I pick up the arrangement. It’s large and kind of awkward to carry, but I’m excited about taking the flowers home.
When I get back to the suite, it’s empty except for Liam in his office as usual. I have some trouble juggling my bag, the little carton of party leftovers I saved for my mom, and the flowers, so my hands are full when I stick my head in Liam’s office. “I’m taking off.”
He glances over. “Okay. See you—” He breaks off suddenly. “You need help with all that?”
“No. I’m fine.” Then, because the universe is obstinate that way, I take a bad step and almost stumble. I don’t drop the flowers, but the strap of my leather bag falls from my shoulder to my elbow.
Liam rolls his eyes and comes toward me. “Let me help. Those flowers are going to end up all over the floor.”
“No, they’re not.”
He takes the flower arrangement out of my hands. “You have more confidence in that than I do. I’ll carry these to your car for you.”
“You don’t have to—” I stop myself. There’s no sense in arguing with him. He’s going to do it no matter what I say. “Fine.” I give him a little scowl. “Thanks.”
“You don’t have to look so grateful about it.” He’s almost smiling as we leave the suite.
“And you don’t have to look so smug. I wouldn’t have dropped them.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. But either way you would have had an uncomfortable walk. Do you not want me to walk you to your car or something?” For the first time, his little smile fades. Hi
s eyes search my face almost urgently.
“No. It’s not that. I appreciate the help. I’m just used to being self-sufficient. And you were working.”
“Well, like you’ve told me about a hundred times, I can take a few minutes off without everything falling apart.”
I can’t help but smile at him, and my heart pounds when he smiles back.
We’re quiet for a minute as we walk down the hall and out into a quiet campus. The staff has mostly gone by now. A few students are wandering around, but it’s too cold out for most people to be lingering outside.
“Have you always been such a workaholic?” I ask randomly. Or maybe not so randomly. It’s where my thoughts have drifted from where he’d left our previous conversation.
He doesn’t look surprised by the question. “I don’t know. I guess not. I don’t think.”
“So you didn’t work all the time when Gail was alive?” Bringing up his dead wife is a risk, but the question just comes out.
His mouth tightens briefly. He gives a quick shake of his head. “No. I always worked hard, but not all the time. Not like this.”
“So why did you start?”
He shrugs. He knows the answer. He just doesn’t want to tell me.
It feels important to me that I get a response to the question. So I take another risk and prompt, “Liam?”
He swallows hard enough for me to see it in his throat. “It’s an escape. I guess.”
“An escape from what?”
“From hurting so much about losing her. I guess always working is a way to keep running.”
I stop in the middle of the sidewalk and turn to face him. “Does it still hurt that bad, even after all these years?” My voice is a raspy whisper.
He shakes his head. “Not anymore. Not like it did.”
“But you’re still working nonstop. So what are you trying to escape from now? Why do you need to keep running?”
His eyes hold mine. His mouth opens like he’s going to respond. But he doesn’t.
“Liam? What are you trying to escape from now?”
His face twists as he glances down toward the flowers he’s still holding. “I don’t know. From... from life, I guess. From the way it’s going to hurt me again.”
I raise my free hand to cover the ache in my chest. “Liam.”
“I know. I know, honey.” He’s gruff now, and he starts walking again. “But we all do what we have to do. And this is what I need to do right now.”
I speed up so I can fall into step with him. I know for sure I need to change the subject right now or he’s going to close up on me completely. He’s already exposed himself more than it’s in his nature to do.
So I say in a different tone, “I was glad to see Kelly. It was nice to finally put a face to the name.”
“Oh. Yeah. She’s great. And she looks really happy.” He still sounds a little gravelly, but his expression is normal again.
“Yes. Both her kids are adorable. And that little boy is the most perfect infant I’ve ever seen. I mean, he didn’t even cry the whole time. Just lay there and gazed around smiling at everyone.”
Liam chuckles. “He did seem unnaturally happy about the whole situation. I would have hated to lie there in a onesie and have all these strangers gaping at me. Maybe he’s going to be a party animal when he grows up.” He slants me a quick look. “Do you want kids?”
I’m surprised by the question and don’t have a chance to guard my words. So I tell him the truth. “Uh, yeah. I guess. I mean, I always figured I’d have them. I don’t have baby fever or anything, but I always imagined myself having them.” I pause, hesitant to bring up Gail again when we got so close to Liam’s emotional edge earlier. “Would you have them? If you could?”
He gives a one-shouldered shrug.
“Is that a yes?”
He’s not looking at me as he mutters, “Yes. I’d like to have kids. If I could.”
We’ve reached my car now, which is a relief. It provides a natural break from the tension between us. I open my passenger-side door and take the flower arrangement from Liam’s hand. I secure it on the floor of the passenger seat. Dropping my bag and the carton of leftovers on the seat, I close the door.
When I straighten up, Liam is standing right in front of me.
I can’t help it. I put a hand on his chest. Just over his heart. I swear I can feel his heart racing beneath my palm. “Does it make you feel guilty?” I ask softly. “To even think about having kids? With someone else, I mean.”
“I know what you mean.” He takes a quick, ragged breath. “And yes, it does. It feels like... like I’m betraying her.”
“Everyone must go through that. When they lose someone they love the way you did.”
“That’s what my mom keeps saying.”
“You talk to your mom about those kinds of things?”
His face twists in a sheepish kind of scowl. “Not willingly. But she keeps interrogating me about my feelings, so I finally have to tell her things to get her to shut up.”
I burst into giggles and wrap my arms around him, pulling him into a hug.
He hugs me back.
I don’t know if this is appropriate. It probably isn’t. But it feels right. So right. I squeeze him, and his arms tighten around me. He’s big and strong and warm and just a little grumpy. He feels like mine.
He’s breathing deeply against the crook of my neck. Like he’s smelling my hair or something.
When he lets me go, he looks tense and self-conscious, but that’s not surprising. I feel kind of awkward too but more giddy than anything else.
“Okay,” I say at last. “Thanks for the help with the flowers. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you.”
I get into my car, turn on the engine, and back out of my parking space. When I turn to look, Liam is still standing there, watching as I drive away.
Seven
THE REST OF THE WEEK passes quickly—until it’s Friday. My last day at Milford College.
I’m not even sure how I feel about it. Sad or excited or confused or terrified. My mind is filled with such a muddle of emotions that it’s impossible to sort them out.
I spend the morning sorting through email and a pile of paperwork that’s collected in the second inbox on my desk—the one where I’ve put random stuff I’m not sure what to do with. I’d like to leave as little as possible for Kelly to do when she comes back, so I go back through the stack and find several things from a month or so ago. I didn’t know what to do with them back then, but I do now.
Pleased that I’ve whittled down both the email and the paperwork, I start working on writing up Liam’s notes from a meeting one final time.
I actually don’t mind the task once I get the hang of reading his handwriting and putting the information together in paragraphs. It’s straightforward and not as tedious as sorting mail or filing.
As I’m trying to decipher one particularly mysterious word on the meeting agenda handout he gave me after the meeting yesterday, a voice from nearby surprises me.
“I bet you’re not going to miss trying to read his handwriting.”
I turn to see Kelly standing in front of the desk, smiling and holding her new baby in a carrier. “Hi there! I didn’t know you were stopping by.” I glance down at the sheet of paper in my hand. “The truth is I might miss reading it a little bit. It feels like a real challenge, so there’s this big sense of victory once I figure out what his notes say.”
She laughs and sets the carrier down on an empty spot of the desk. “I made sure never to complain about his handwriting. I was always afraid he’d take that as a sign that I should just come to all his meetings and sit there and take notes.” She makes an exaggerated expression of disgust. “And I can’t imagine anything more boring.”
I laugh with her and lean over to greet baby Logan. He’s just as affable and wide-eyed as he was on Monday, and he makes happy gurgles when I gently touch his belly. “Is he always this good?”
“Most of the time. He cries when he’s hungry, but so far he hasn’t screamed his head off out of general displeasure with the world the way Laura, my three-year-old, always did.”
“That’s so nice. He seems like such a sweet little boy.” I pause to let him play with one of my fingers before I ask, “Did you just stop by to say hi? Or did you need anything?”
“I just came by so a few folks who weren’t there on Monday could meet Logan.” She nods toward Liam’s open door. “Is he busy?”
I’m about to tell her he’s just working on his own when a familiar roar comes out from his office. “Polly!”
Both Kelly and I burst into soft laughter. I walk over to Liam’s door and stick my head in.
“Do you have those notes done yet?” he growls.
“I’ll need another twenty minutes or so.”
“Okay.” He’s glanced over as he spoke, but now he turns back to his computer.
I say, “Kelly and Logan are out here if you want to say hi to them.”
He gives a little jerk of surprise. “Really? Do they need something?” He’s already walking toward the office door.
“Well, I think Logan is at the point where he mostly needs to be fed, changed, and burped, but Kelly was in the building and just wants to say hi.”
Liam gives me a little scowl without any heat before he turns toward Kelly. “Hey! We didn’t know you were stopping by.”
“Just saying hi. If you’re busy, it’s no prob—”
“I’m not that busy.” His eyes study Kelly intently for a few seconds. “You don’t look as exhausted as I would have thought.”
“I’m doing fine. I’m really glad I had this time with Logan, but he’s been pretty easy on me.”
“You ready to start work again on Monday?”
“Yep. I’m ready. I’ll miss Logan and Laura, but it will be nice to have some adult conversation during the day again.”
Liam nods at this, as if he completely understands, but then he turns toward Logan, who’s staring at Liam in fascination with round blue eyes. “Hello again, Logan,” he tells the baby in a soft, gruff tone. “You’ve obviously been well-fed for the weeks you’ve been alive.”