by Tawny Taylor
“Yes, I’m sure. I’ve been looking for Jill. When I was over there,” I indicated the dance floor with a jerk of my head, “a random guy issued a fairly obnoxious invitation for me to dance with him. Which I refused.”
“Come with me.” My angry-looking boyfriend pushed on my back, steering me back around, away from the exit leading to the bathrooms. Away from Jill.
Deciding Jill wouldn’t notice if it took me a minute or two longer to meet up with her, I let him lead me all the way across the bar to the front entrance. We stepped outside. My ears were ringing.
“What were you doing here?” Shane asked, his gaze raking up and down my body.
I hadn’t worn the sluttiest dress I owned, but with him looking at me like that, I felt downright indecent. I tugged on the hem of my dress. “I came here with my friend Jill. We’re having a girl’s night out.”
“Then who is the guy I saw you with? I didn’t see a girlfriend with you. Not since I walked in the door.”
Oh no.
He thought I’d come here with Russell? I had to straighten this out right away. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Nothing. He had no reason to be jealous.
I lifted my hands. “Shane, you have the wrong idea.”
“Do I?” His head tipped to the side. He moved smoothly, slowly, crowding my personal space bubble until it almost popped. “Did you not have a drink with another man? Was I imagining that?”
Now I was not only a little intimidated but I was also getting mad. So what? I’d sat at a table in a public place with another man. We talked. About nothing. And then I’d told him I was involved in a relationship. “No, you weren’t imagining it. But that was all I did, had a drink and talked.”
“Talked about what?” he shot back, inching closer still. “You two looked very comfortable with each other.”
Every instinct in me told me to back up, give myself some space so he wouldn’t be so freaking intimidating. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want him to think he’d won this little power struggle we were fighting right now. “We looked comfortable because we know each other. Knew each other. He’s married now.”
Shane laughed. “Married. A married man at a bar can only be looking for one thing.”
I wanted to tell him that it was Jill’s fault, that she’d set the whole thing up, but that would probably make him distrust Jill. If he distrusted her, he might try to tell me I couldn’t go out with her anymore. Though, based on the steam blasting from his ears, he might do that anyway.
“You’re angry. But you shouldn’t be. I didn’t do anything wrong. You’re making assumptions--”
“Like someone else we know, right? Who was making assumptions when she saw me at a restaurant with another woman?” He backed me into the wall. Then he angled closer so that I was feeling the heat of his breath fanning over my face, and those cold, dark eyes were piercing mine, searching them.
“You’re right. I did make assumptions.”
“That was a restaurant,” he pointed out. “Not a dump like this.”
“Back off, asshole!” Jill shouted from somewhere close by.
Great, now she was going to hate Shane even more. In her eyes he was being a big bully. In reality, he was being a bully. But now that he’d pointed out what I’d done when I’d caught him with Alexis, I couldn’t fault him for being jealous.
“Jill, it’s okay,” I said, trying to peer around the side of Shane’s hulking body.
“Like hell! Nobody deserves to be screamed at and intimidated like this. No one!”
“Jill,” Shane said, his voice low and cold. He shot her what I could assume was an ugly glare over his shoulder. “This is a private conversation.”
“Bristol is my friend. You’re being a complete jerk. If you don’t back off, I’m calling the police.”
Shane lurched back and lifted his hands in a sign of surrender. His eyes met mine. “No need to call the cops. I’ll leave.”
Frozen and confused, I watched him stomp away.
Jill grabbed me, wrapping her arms around me. “That guy is a complete and total asshole. You deserve so much better than that, hon. Dammit, why can’t you see that?”
“He saw me with Russell.” I snapped as I pushed away from her, heading toward the car. This night had been a total nightmare. From the start. I regretted letting her talk me into going to this dump. If we had done something else, like gone to a movie or something, Shane wouldn’t have seen me with another man, and he wouldn’t have gotten upset. “This is your fault. All of it. You told Russell I would be here tonight. You told him I was single. What do you suppose Shane thought? Dammit, Jill. Why do you keep trying to break us up?”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “He’s an abuser, Bristol. That’s why.”
“No, he’s not abusive. Not at all.”
“Ohmygod, you’re so blind.” Whirling around, she stabbed a finger at the door. “He dragged you out of a club to scream at you like you’re a two year old. Tell me that’s not abuse.”
“It was a little over-the-top and obnoxious, sure. But—“
“But nothing. Normal, sane people don’t do things like that. They don’t make a scene in public.”
“Like you’re doing now?” I pointed out, noticing the cluster of guys at the club’s entry who were now staring at us.
Jill followed the line of my gaze then jerked her head back in my direction and motioned to the car. Neither of us spoke until we were in the car. I was in the passenger seat, seething. She was in the driver’s seat, stuffing the key into the ignition. Once she had the car started, she turned to me. “I’m just looking out for my best friend.” She sounded hurt, and that made me feel even worse. Now I was both angry and guilty. Worried about how my next conversation with Shane would go, and upset with Jill for trying to get between us.
“If I needed your help, I would tell you,” I muttered as I stared blindly out the window.
She shifted the car into reverse and backed out of the parking spot. Then she jammed it into gear and stomped on the gas. “No, you wouldn’t. You’re in too deep. You don’t see him for what he truly is--”
“That’s enough. He’s never laid a hand on me. He’s never called me names. He’s never made me do anything I didn’t want to do. He isn’t that bastard, the one I promise never to mention again. But not talking about him hasn’t helped. You still see his face everywhere. They aren’t all like him. They aren’t.”
At the street, Jill jammed on the brake to wait for an opening in traffic. “I know. But Shane is. Exactly like him. Someday you’ll see that. I just hope it won’t be too late.”
Chapter 5
Shane was at my place when I got home. He was in my house. In my living room. And, even though I had defended him to Jill, the expression on his face was a little scary. I had to admit I felt a little uneasy being alone with him.
But another issue bothered me even more. He’d let himself into my condo. Without my permission.
I let him know, by the look on my face, that I wasn’t happy about it. “How did you get in here?” I dropped my purse on the table, knocking some of the freaking bills off. The scattered all over the floor.
“The door was unlocked,” he said blandly as he shoved his hands into his pockets.
Like I would buy that one? He was lying. “I always lock the door when I leave.”
“You didn’t this time.”
I swallowed a few curse words. “From now on, do not let yourself in unless I’ve invited you to do so.”
An emotion I couldn’t name briefly flashed over his features. In a blink it was gone. “You’re acting different. Are you…” He charged across the room at me. His eyes widened as he lunged forward and caught my upper arms in his fists. “You’re afraid of me. Afraid!”
I felt myself flinch. My heart skipped a beat or two. “No, I’m not.”
He jerked his hands away, as if I’d burned him. “You cringed like you thought I might hit you.”
“I…did?�
� My face warmed. My body chilled.
“Do you really think I might strike you out of anger?” His gaze searched mine, as if he didn’t trust me to speak the truth. “You do.”
Did I? I wasn’t sure. “No.”
He shook his head and staggered back. “I don’t know why I thought it would be different this time,” he mumbled as he loped toward the door. His shoulders were back, head held high, but I still got the impression he felt defeated.
I watched him walk toward the door, and in my mind I asked if I would be okay if he walked out and never came back. My initial gut reaction was no, I wouldn’t be okay. If he left, he would take a huge piece of my soul with him. I would be empty. Lost.
“You look so angry. Can you blame me?” I muttered to his back.
Slowly, he pivoted around. “I’ll be in touch.” He left me standing there, wondering how long it would take for him to call.
An hour later, my phone hadn’t rung.
Jill hadn’t called.
Shane hadn’t called.
Five hours later, I was sitting in bed, unable to sleep, checking my phone for messages.
None.
The next morning I checked for messages. None.
I dragged through my morning routine. It was quiet in my place. Too quiet. The silence made all the voices in my head unbearable. I kept thinking about what Shane had said, and what Jill had said, and how I had reacted to him, how I felt when I discovered he’d broken into my condo.
I felt as if my insides had been bathed in acid and run through a wringer. By noon I had suffered enough. I was exhausted from lack of sleep and an emotional wreck. I took some sleeping pills and curled up on the couch, some old movie playing on the TV. Gradually, my body became heavier and I let the darkness carry me away.
* * * * *
I woke up confused, disorientated. I was on the couch. It was dark. The TV was on. Then I remembered everything and I started feeling sick again. I grabbed my cell phone.
No calls.
I checked the time. It was after eight o’clock. I’d slept all day. I eased upright. The pills hadn’t totally worn off yet. I was a little wobbly, dizzy. I was thirsty too. I checked my refrigerator. There was some cola, some water, and some wine. I opted for the wine.
One glass in, and I was feeling even worse than before. I sat on the couch, crying like an idiotic schoolgirl who’d been dumped by her first boyfriend. Dammit, this wasn’t the end of the world. Shane and I had an issue to work out. That was what couples did when they faced a problem. They worked it out. We could do that too.
There was no need to freak out. Or check my phone every five effing minutes.
Still, I couldn’t stop checking my stupid phone. Neither could I keep the tears from flowing. I cried until my head was pounding. Then I downed some pills for my head, washing them down with a bottle of water, and staggered back to my bedroom. I flopped into bed and laid there, forcing myself to think about happier things, about the new job I would start on Monday.
The job that Shane had given me.
I prayed, as I once again felt the tug of sleep, that I if I saw Shane on Monday I wouldn’t fall apart. That was the last thing I needed.
* * * * *
Monday morning, I dressed for work. I couldn’t eat breakfast. I couldn’t even handle some toast. My stomach was twisting into knots, coiling then uncoiling. If I didn’t throw up it would be a miracle. I managed to get some coffee down. The little zing of caffeinated energy propelled me forward. With no time to spare, I dashed out the door and jumped into my car.
Jill called me as I was driving to work.
I answered, “Hi.” I switched my phone to my left hand.
“Hi. Are you excited for your big day?” she asked, avoiding the subject of Shane.
“I’m anxious.”
“Does that mean you haven’t made up with psycho?”
My hackles went up. Yes, Shane did things that made me mad sometimes. But then so did other people. Including Jill. That didn’t mean he deserved to be called names. “It means I haven’t spoken to Shane. He isn’t a psycho.”
“No comment.” Jill cleared her throat. “Good luck today.”
“Thanks.” I steered my car onto the freeway, heading north.
“Call me on the way home. We’ll go out for dinner. My treat.”
My stomach protested. Loudly. “I’m not sure I’ll be up to it. I’m feeling pretty crappy this morning.”
“Oh, hon. I’m sorry. I hope you’re okay today. Will you see him?”
“I don’t know.” I hit the gas at the end of the cloverleaf entry ramp to speed up and merge. I was going to have to squeeze my car into a tiny space between a semi and a big, gnarly pickup truck. I said a little prayer and steered to the left.
“I hope for your sake you don’t see him.”
I didn’t know what I wanted. A part of me missed him terribly. I missed the sound of his voice. I missed the sparkle he got in his eyes when he was goofing around with me, having fun. I missed the tilt of his lips when he was giving me one of those lopsided smiles I found so cute and charming. I missed the smell of his hair, the sound of that little growl he gave me when he was in the mood.
That part was definitely bigger than the other part, the one that believed what Jill said, that Shane was too damaged to love anyone.
I wished I knew where all those scars had come from. He’d talked a little about his past. But he’d avoided going into any detail. I wanted to understand him. More than that, I wanted to help him heal so he could live the kind of life he deserved.
That was the real issue, I realized, as I sat there, phone pinched between my shoulder and ear, car speeding down the freeway. The reason why I was struggling with this apparent semi-breakup was because first, I had no closure. And second, I felt I had failed Shane. But I wondered if I somehow could have found the strength to stick it out if I had been the one who would make the difference in his life.
“Earth to Bristol,” Jill yelled in my ear.
“I’m here.”
“Are you going to be okay?” Jill asked. In her voice, I heard her say, you aren’t going to be okay.
“Yes. I’m fine.” The sign warning me about my exit flew by at roughly seventy miles per hour. “But I should let you go. I’m almost there.”
“Okay. Call me when you’re done. I want to hear all about your day.”
“Okay. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I dropped my phone into the cup holder. Then I tried to concentrate on driving for the rest of the trip. I rolled into the parking lot with ten minutes to spare. Just the way I’d hoped. Now, if I could avoid seeing Shane all day today, that would probably be a good thing.
Fingers crossed, but hands still trembling a bit, I hurried up to the building. At the main reception desk, I checked in with the receptionist. She told me to wait. Someone would be coming down to meet me shortly. Then she went back to work and I sat down and tried to pretend I wasn’t about to throw up.
What felt like an hour later a woman came out to the lobby, looked at me, and said in a clipped tone, “Miss Deatrich? I am Gail Fortune. Please follow me.”
I got the vibe Gail Fortune didn’t like me already.
We rode the elevator up to the second floor in uncomfortable silence. She escorted me into the human resources office, pointed at a table and then, before I’d sat down in the chair, handed me a stack of papers. “Please complete all these forms.” She exited the room through a door in the back and I went to work.
Ah the joys of starting a new job. Endless, tedious paperwork.
An hour later, I gently knocked on the door I’d watched her disappear behind. She opened it, accepted the stack I handed her then told me to wait while she called down the individual who would be training me.
I sat.
And sat.
And sat some more.
By eleven, I was beginning to think there was a problem. I did everything I could to avoid looking upset or ner
vous or restless. Finally a very young woman—maybe fresh out of high school—shuffled into the office. Although she was young, she was dressed very conservatively, no different than the friendly (not) HR person. White blouse, black skirt, black jacket, hair pulled back and very little makeup. “Sorry for taking so long,” she said, extending a hand. “I’m Holly Quade. This way.”
“It’s okay.” I gave her hand a shake then followed her out. It was great getting out of that HR office. I was getting chills from Gail’s icy reception.
Holly didn’t say anything until we were in the elevator. “This is a great place to work, though the Powers-That-Be have some strange rules. I hope you’ll be happy here.”
Strange rules? “Me too.”
“You won’t have any problems if you just follow the procedures.”
“Got it.” Knowing Shane personally, I had expected his company to be a somewhat conservative corporate environment. But this…from the looks of this girl, it was a lot more conservative than I’d ever imagined.
“Did Gail give you an employee manual?” Holly asked.
Employee manual? Oh dear God. Please tell me I won’t be tested on it. “There’s a manual?”
“There is.” She screwed her pretty face into a mask of confusion. “I don’t know why she wouldn’t have given you one.”
I shrugged. “Maybe she forgot.”
“I guess I’ll have to go down on my lunch hour and grab one for you.”
“Thanks.”
The elevator stopped at the sixth floor, and the door rolled open.
There he was.
Shane.
The man I hadn’t spoken with in days.
Heat rushed to my face.
His gaze met mine but then quickly jerked away. “Miss Quade,” he said.
“Sir.” She motioned to me. “This is a new employee. Her name is Bristol Deatrich.”
“Miss Deatrich,” Shane echoed, giving his head a slight nod. His expression was completely unreadable. I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. While I didn’t want my coworker to know I had been in a personal relationship with our boss, I wouldn’t have expected him to be so good at hiding his feelings.