“You good, Cap?”
Smithy looked ridiculous in his Under Armour and helmet, and it made Ben smile. The weirdness from the previous week had vanished, and it was like it had always been between them again. He hadn’t heard anyone say anything that was even close to a slur since, so maybe they’d taken what he’d said at face value. That was good.
“Yup. You?”
Smithy gave him a half-assed salute and went back to his stall to suit up.
It was going to be a good game.
IT WASN’T A good game. At all.
Ben yanked his helmet off, barely restraining himself from hurling it across the room. He sat down in his stall and started pulling off his skates and pads, his movements jerky. Espy, their goalie, stumped by, looking even more dejected than Ben felt. The slumped shoulders with “Espinoza” stretched across them in block letters somehow made Ben feel even worse. He knew Nick was blaming himself for the loss, but it wasn’t his fault. They’d all failed to do their jobs, which had made it impossible for him to do his.
It was wildly superstitious, but Ben wondered if losing the game was the world’s way of telling him that making stupid bets for important life decisions was the worst idea ever. Still in his undershirt, he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He felt someone sit beside him and cracked open an eye to see who it was. Smithy, of course.
“That was shitty, wasn’t it.”
Ben sighed. “Yeah, it was.”
“We’ll do better next time, Cap.” Smithy clapped him on the shoulder and wandered off, unabashedly nude, to the showers. Ben shook his head.
He made himself get to his feet and check his phone. There was a message from his parents—they hadn’t been able to come and sent their condolences—which he replied to quickly. And one from Gran that was just a sad-face emoji and a frowny face. Well, she tried.
Then there was one from Ryan that made him smile.
Ryan: to the other guys (.img attached)
The picture was of Ryan and Rachel, faces mashed together, both flipping the camera off.
Ben: Thanks guys.
All he got was a string of heart-eyes emojis after that, so he went to the next message.
Marcus: sorry man. that sucks
Ben: Yeah. We tried.
Marcus: nxt time
Ben: Hope so.
The next text was a thumbs-up emoji with an image attached. It was Marcus making a silly face at the camera, eyes crossed. Things were still a little strained between them, but they were both trying hard to act like everything was back to normal. Ben laughed out loud, and he caught people looking at him weirdly. He locked his phone and finished getting undressed. There was only time now for a quick rinse, and then they’d be loading back onto the buses for the ride home.
Ben unzipped his bag to get his towel out and saw Will’s dog tag where he’d hastily tucked it away. He suddenly knew exactly what he needed to do.
“CAN I TAKE the car out?”
Ben’s mom almost choked on her coffee at the question. He’d never actually driven by himself, but he was pretty sure he’d be okay. He needed to do this on his own, so he was going to have to make it be okay.
“What?” She sounded surprised, and he wasn’t sure if he should be offended. “Why?”
He shrugged. “Just want to.”
His mom glanced at his dad, and they seemed to be having a silent conversation involving a lot of eyebrow. She finally tilted her head at his dad and nodded.
“Sure. Have it back later this afternoon. I have to go to the store.” She was still looking at him like she couldn’t quite figure out what he was up to.
Beth wasn’t helping matters by glaring at him suspiciously, while methodically eating her breakfast. He narrowed his eyes back at her, and she smirked at him. He didn’t think she’d say anything that would get his mom to change his mind. It wasn’t like he was known for breaking the rules. But after catching him coming in the other night, Beth had been acting weirder than usual.
“No problem.” Ben gathered up his breakfast dishes under his sister’s watchful eye and dumped them in the sink. He slipped out of the kitchen to get ready but first sent a text.
Ben: Can I come over?
Ben put the phone down and started pulling on his clothes. He was almost completely ready and tying his shoes when the reply to the affirmative pinged his phone. After quickly typing out a response, he grabbed Will’s box out of the dresser drawer and headed downstairs.
Pausing at the front door, he looked at the car keys hanging on the hook. He needed to do this on his own, but the thought of being completely alone in the car was daunting. Before he could talk himself out of going, he snatched up the keys and headed out.
The ritual of seatbelt, mirrors, cranking the car was done and then he sat there, staring out the windshield. Ben looked at the wooden box where he’d put it on the passenger seat.
Then he put the car in gear and carefully backed out of the driveway.
BY THE TIME he got to Gran’s house, he was a nervous wreck. It felt like his hands were going to be permanently cramped from gripping the steering wheel, but he’d made it there in one piece. He took a few deep breaths and opened the door, reaching over to grab Will’s box before getting out.
Gran met him on the front porch with a tight hug and a kiss on his cheek before leading him inside. It wasn’t very often he was here without the rest of the family and it felt a little weird and overly quiet.
“How was the drive?”
She was really asking him how he was after the drive.
“Good.” Ben looked around the living room at the boxes that were starting to dominate the space. “How’s the packing?”
“Almost done.” She eyed him closely, glancing at the box under his arm curiously. He fidgeted under her scrutiny until she let him off the hook. “So, you finally had time to look at it?”
“Yeah. Sorry it took me so long.”
Ben had looked through it again the previous night, even though it had been late by the time he’d gotten home. He hadn’t been able to sleep, in equal measures from losing the game and all the other things on his mind. So he’d opened the box and reread the letters, staring for a while at the picture of Will and Eddie. They’d looked so happy together it made him ache inside.
He put the box on the kitchen table, the dark wood a direct contrast to the bright and sunny space. “How much do you actually know about him?”
Gran sat down, pulling the box over in front of her, and waved for him to sit. “I only know what Mum told us.” She looked at him with a steady gaze. “I actually knew Eddie. He was Uncle Eddie to us kids.” She opened the box and took out the letters. Ben had carefully stacked them in order, the picture sitting on top. He watched as she touched a fingertip to Eddie’s face.
“What happened to him?”
She looked at the picture and then put it back down on the table and folded her hands in front of her. “From what Mum said—and I only ever got this secondhand—he was devastated by William’s death in the war.”
“He never talked about it?”
She shook her head. “He died just after I turned thirty, and in all the time I knew him, he never said a word.” She gave him that searching look again. “What did the letters say?”
“That he was glad Eddie didn’t have to be there.” Ben decided to skip the double-talk. “That he missed him.”
Gran smiled at him gently. “You figured it out.”
Ben shrugged, but his hands were beginning to shake. “It wasn’t that hard, especially once I saw the picture.” He reached for it slowly and studied it, though he had it practically memorized. Knowing that the men in the picture never got to see each other again after one of them was sent off to war hit him all over again. He’d watched war movies and documentaries, but nothing brought it home like that faded image. He felt his throat starting to close up. “They look so happy here,” he said, his voice almost catching.
Gran smiled sadly
. “Mum said they were inseparable. It was something everyone knew, but no one talked about. They were ‘roommates’ to anyone that wasn’t family.”
“Did Eddie ever find anyone else?” He could have guessed the answer, but he wanted to hear her say it.
“No one like Will. Though Eddie was actually married for a while.” She nodded at his incredulous look. “It was what happened back then. I was very young and had no idea, of course.”
“But he never had another—” His voice faltered. “—partner?”
“There were men he’d bring by now and then, a boyfriend here or there, but nothing serious.” She patted his hand. “He was destined to be a bachelor in the end, I think.”
“Were you close to him?”
He wasn’t sure why he was still asking questions. It was a tragic story: two men society had dictated weren’t supposed to be a couple when all they wanted was a quiet life together. He’d read about blue tickets. If anyone had seen those letters, Will would have been sent home with a dishonorable discharge, and his life would have been essentially ruined. All for loving Eddie.
“I was.” Gran moved the picture to the side and flipped over the top letter, moving them around without reading them. “He was my godfather.”
“Even though he wasn’t family?”
She cocked her eyebrow at him. “Family isn’t always about blood. You know that better than most.” She was talking about Ryan, who was as much her grandson as Ben. “Not everyone understood why Mum chose him, but she knew what he meant to her brother and she loved him like one.”
Acceptance like what she was talking about had been unheard of back then.
“Eddie was lucky to have Great-Gran, wasn’t he.”
“I like to think they were both pretty lucky.” She straightened the letters. “I’m making tea, want some?”
Ben nodded, and she rose to turn on the electric kettle. Tea had always been Gran’s thing, and watching her move around the kitchen was comforting. His eyes fell on the boxes in the corner and it hit him again that she was moving. She wouldn’t be a short drive away anymore.
She’d been raised to accept her Uncle Eddie without a second thought. He’d been welcomed into her family—like his family had embraced Ryan. It was what they all did, apparently. Ben looked at his hands, lost in thought for so long he was startled by the clink of the mug Gran placed on the table.
“Are you feeling okay, honey?” She smoothed the hair off his forehead, and Ben felt a little like bursting into tears. His emotional highs and lows had been off the chart lately, and he was exhausted. She was looking at him with such concern. He could do it. Right then and there. Suddenly the decision was easy.
“Yeah.” He took a sip of the very hot tea and promptly burned his tongue. “Um, Gran?”
“What is it?”
The words tried to stick in his throat. Ben almost took another sip of scalding tea but stopped himself just in time.
“Um. I’m—” He cleared his throat, holding on to his mug so his hands wouldn’t shake. “I’m gay.”
He looked into his mug to avoid seeing her reaction. She wasn’t saying anything, and what the hell had made him say that, he couldn’t take the words back and—
She reached over and took his hand, prying his fingers from their death grip on the mug handle.
“Ben, look at me.” He pressed his lips together to keep everything inside and looked up. She had tears in her eyes, but she was smiling that gentle smile. “Ben, honey, it’s okay.”
“Is it?” His voice broke, and the tears he’d been holding back for days started to fall. She squeezed his hand and rose, pulling him closer to her, her arms around his shoulders. She was petting his hair and saying something he was having a hard time hearing over the pounding of his heart.
“Of course it is. I love you; your mom and dad love you.” Gran rested her hand on his head. “Have you told your parents?”
Ben sniffled and sat back down. She kept one hand on his shoulder and reached for a napkin. He blew his nose noisily and shook his head. “No. Not yet.” He wiped a hand over his face and sniffled again. “Ryan’s known for a while.”
“How long?”
“Since we were fourteen?”
Gran patted his shoulder and sat in the chair next to him. She took both of his hands in hers and looked him in the eye. “Thank you for telling me.” Ben nodded, not sure how to respond to that. She handed him his tea, and he took a sip, thankful that it had finally started to cool. “Okay?”
“Yeah. I think.” He hesitated, taking another sip of tea. “I think I might, possibly, want to be out. I mean, to everyone.”
Gran sat back, her face dropping. “You’re worried about the team, aren’t you.”
Ben sighed. That just proved how much was wrong with the sport he loved so much. Gran had followed hockey since she was a little girl, had been the one who got his grandad and dad involved. She knew—everyone seemed to know—how bad it was. It was frustrating.
“Should I quit?” Ben shook his head even as he said it, putting his mug down harder than he probably should. “That’s a stupid question. I don’t want to quit.”
“You shouldn’t have to quit. It’s not right.” Gran stood and walked to the counter where she kept the container that always had some sort of treat in it. “I think this discussion calls for cookies, don’t you?” She put a few on a small plate and brought them back to the table. “What are your teammates like?”
“Loud.” Ben smiled when she laughed.
He took a cookie and thought yet again about the guys on the team. A lot of them he’d grown up with and knew pretty well. Most of the guys would probably be okay, but there were two or three who might not. And the freshmen were complete unknowns, but he’d only have to deal with them for the current season anyway.
“I don’t know, they’re all a pretty good group,” he finally said and shrugged. “It could be worse, you know?”
“What about your coach?”
Ben had already thought that one through. “I think he’d be okay.” He didn’t know that for sure, but the sensitivity training had been Coach Jordan’s idea, so all he could do was assume the best.
“That’s a lot of people on your side, don’t you think?” Gran took a pointed sip of her tea. “And if you think that any of us would stand back and let you suffer alone, you’ve got another thing coming, my boy.”
Ben believed her. One word and she would march down to the school herself, probably with his mom and dad right beside her. “I know. But what about players on other teams? I mean, you know it’ll get out, right?”
“Of course it will.” She looked over at Will’s box that was still sitting on the table. “But sometimes it takes a few to get things started. There are some who will be hateful. But there are also probably others in the exact same situation.” Gran rested a hand on the box and gave him a sad smile. “We’ve come so far, but there’s always further to go.”
Ben remembered the dog tag that was still around his neck and pulled it out of his shirt. “I wore this— I didn’t think you’d mind. I was careful with it.” He started to take it off, and she stopped him.
“You keep it.” She patted the tag where it rested on his chest, just over his heart. “I think Eddie would have wanted you to have it. He would have liked you.”
“You think?”
“Absolutely.” She took their mugs and put them in the sink. “So, what are your plans now?”
“For right now, I think all I’m going to do is go see Ryan for a little while and then go home.” Ben was tired, but he felt better after their talk. “I don’t know when I’ll talk to mom and dad, so can you—”
“Keep my mouth shut?” Gran ruffled his hair and put her arm across his shoulders, pulling him in close to her side. “Of course.”
“Thanks.” He blew out a breath. “I guess I’d better go. Mom said she needed the car later.”
Gran walked him to the door and gave him a tight hug. “I�
�m proud of you, Ben.” It was all Ben could do not to get teary again. “So proud.”
He hugged her back and walked out, leaving Will and Eddie in her safe hands.
In the car, he looked at himself in the rearview mirror to make sure he didn’t look like he’d been crying. He tucked the dog tag back into his shirt and cranked the car.
More decisions could wait.
Chapter Twelve
“YOU DROVE HERE all by yourself?”
Ben nodded and rolled his eyes when Ryan held his hand up for a high five.
“Come on, Benny. Don’t leave me hanging here.” Ben slapped his hand halfheartedly, and Ryan gave him a big grin. He picked up the box of books at his feet and moved to the next set of shelves. “What’d you do today while I’ve been working my ass off?”
Ben dropped into one of the squashy armchairs that were scattered throughout the store.
“Went and saw Gran.” He reached over and plucked one of the books out of the box and flipped through a few pages, fighting to keep a straight face. “Came out to her.”
“What?” There was a thunk as Ryan dropped the stack of books he was holding. “Shit.” He picked them up and dumped them back in the box before sitting on the ottoman right in front of Ben’s chair. He looked around to see where the manager was and then leaned forward attentively. “What happened?”
Ben told him. He told him about Eddie and Will and what had happened to them, and how he hadn’t gone to Gran’s with the intention of telling her, but it had just happened. And that she was awesome and fantastic.
“I already knew that.” Ryan surprised him by pulling him into a hug and almost sitting on him in the process. “I am so fu—freaking proud of you.”
“Thanks, now get off me.” Ben quickly hugged him tight before pushing him away.
“So, now what?”
Ben picked up the book he’d taken out of the box and started flipping through it again. “I don’t know. I asked her not to say anything to Mom or Dad yet.”
“Are you going to tell them today?”
Ben shrugged. “Maybe? I don’t know.”
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