His dad shrugged. “We worry.”
Beth watched from her perch on a barstool and didn’t say a word, which Ben found more disturbing than anything. If Beth didn’t have something to say at the moment, it meant she was biding her time for later. She’d probably find him at school or something.
“Come on.” Ryan cleared his throat from where he’d been leaning against the counter and jerked his head toward the door. “Grab something to eat and let’s go.”
Ben did as he was told, hurrying to wrap a few slices of toast in a paper towel and grab a bottle of juice. He’d have to make sure to actually eat all of his lunch today, or he’d never survive practice. Ryan herded him to the front door, picked up his bags, and elbowed open the door.
Ryan looked at him over the roof of the car as he unlocked the doors. “Did you even sleep last night? You look like hell.”
“Thanks a lot.” Ben’s voice was garbled by a bite of toast. They managed to get in the car without incident and were well on their way to school before he asked, “So, what was that all about?”
Ryan didn’t answer for a few seconds. “Your mom’s just freaking out a little.”
“Well, she can join the club.” Ben took a long drink of his juice. “I’m freaking out a lot.”
Ryan made a hum of agreement. “You still going through with it?”
“Yeah.” Ben offered the juice to Ryan, who took a drink without a second thought before handing it back. “No clue what I’m going to say though.”
“I can’t help you there. It’s your story to tell.”
Ben sighed. “Just tell me I’m doing the right thing.”
“Does it feel like it?”
He thought for a long minute. There were so many things on the pros and cons lists that he’d lost track. It would be nice to have a relationship he didn’t have to lie about. The last day or so with Marcus had him convinced it was worth the risk.
“I think so.” He hesitated. “What if—What if the guys find out, and they don’t want me on the team?”
“Is the team the only thing you’re worried about? School includes a lot more people than just the team.”
Ryan had a point. A very good one.
“I know, but those people will be gone after this year, most of them anyway. And hockey players are the absolute worst gossips. If the guys decide they’re against me, would I have to quit? If I quit then I’ll lose my scholarship, and then what will I do?”
“We’ll figure it out.” They stopped at a red light, and Ryan looked at him. “But I don’t think it’s going to come to that.” He grinned. “Accept you they will.”
Ben laughed out loud. “Maybe they will. I still have to actually tell Coach.”
“Yeah, you’re on your own for that one.”
BEN HADN’T ANTICIPATED how he’d feel seeing Marcus after everything that had happened the previous night. They weren’t just friends any longer, they were together. And he wanted to tell everyone as much as he wanted to keep it to himself, this little secret thing that was making him smile.
Marcus was waiting for them by his bike, and Rachel was keeping him company. But all Ben could see was the small smile on Marcus’s face when he saw them coming.
“Wow.” Ben jumped at Ryan’s voice.
“What?”
“No wonder you want to tell everyone.” Ryan put the car in park, and Ben resisted the urge to jump out immediately. “I’ve never seen heart eyes like that.”
“It’s not—”
Ryan snorted. “Not like that?” He leaned closer to Ben. “Screw everybody else. Just enjoy this. I haven’t seen you light up like that anywhere other than on the ice.” He squeezed Ben’s shoulder and got out of the car. Ben started to get out so quickly he almost forgot to unfasten his seatbelt.
They hadn’t talked about PDA or anything, but Ben shouldn’t have worried. Marcus stayed where he was, that wide smile still on his face.
“Hey,” he said in an obvious attempt to keep things casual as Ben walked up next to him. There was a muffled giggle from Rachel’s direction, and Ben rolled his eyes. She and Ryan were going to be insufferable.
“Hey.” Ben used the same measured tone. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. He knew what he wanted to do, but that wouldn’t help him keep his secret. Marcus looked at him for a second and took pity on him, realizing his indecision.
“Come here.” Marcus pulled him into a tight, “friendly” hug, but he pressed his face into Ben’s neck for a split second and left an unseen kiss there that made Ben shiver. “You know what you’re going to say yet?”
Ben was so distracted it took him an embarrassingly long time to figure out what Marcus was talking about. “Um. Not yet.”
“It’ll come to you. Just be honest, okay?” Marcus ran his fingers down Ben’s arm and gave his hand a quick squeeze before stepping away. Ben wanted to follow him and crowd him against the car so he could—
Ben blinked and also took a step away, clumsily covering up the rising flush on his face by turning to drag his gear bag and backpack out of the backseat. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He meant more than the advice. Turning back, he saw a knowing smirk on Marcus’s face that made him blush even more.
Rachel wasn’t even attempting to hide her laughter now. She ran up and put an arm around each of them, steering them toward the school. “Thank god you guys worked your shit out. I thought I was going to have to resort to drastic measures.”
Ben was almost afraid to ask what that would have entailed.
“That would have been interesting.” Ryan’s voice floated from where he was following behind them.
Ben could hear the smile in Rachel’s voice. “Well, you would have helped.”
“Duh.”
BEN TRIED TO push his self-imposed deadline out of his mind all day. Rachel did her best to talk him through it during lunch, but while he appreciated her efforts, it hadn’t helped that much overall.
At practice, only half of his head was in the game, which was not only bad for the team, it was dangerous. He’d already taken a hard check against the boards, which Smithy apologized for, but it had been totally Ben’s fault. He’d been too wrapped up in his own shit.
At the end of practice, they all took a knee to listen to Coach Jordan, and Ben found himself wondering, yet again, if he was doing the right thing. He hadn’t had a chance to ask the coach if he could talk to him after practice, but Coach Jordan beat him to the punch.
“Lewis. My office after you change.” The entire team hooted like he’d been called to the principal’s office, which was exactly what it felt like. “Hit the showers, you heathens.”
Ben showered and dressed as quickly as possible, avoiding eye contact with the other guys. He jammed his Flyers hat over his damp hair and made his way to the coach’s office. The door was closed and he tapped on it, waiting until he heard Coach’s gruff voice telling him to come in.
He took the seat on the other side of the battered desk, gripping his hands together so tightly his knuckles strained. Ben made himself unknot his fingers, pressing them flat against his thighs to keep from clutching them together again, and then glanced up to find Coach giving him an assessing look. He made himself take a deep breath to calm down. He was fine. It would be fine. Coach Jordan was a good guy.
“Relax, Lewis. You look like you’re about to jump out of your skin.”
Coach got up to close the door, and Ben’s shoulders relaxed a little with the click of the latch. No one would be able to overhear anything now, and would probably assume he was getting a dressing down for his performance on the ice. The rolling chair creaked when the coach sat again.
“So, is there something you need to talk about? Because that out there was not you.”
“Sorry, Coach.” Ben cleared his throat as the other man waited patiently for him to speak. That was what made him a good coach. He was always willing to listen to his players, but he wasn’t afraid to tell them what to do and when. “I’m, u
m—”
“What’s going on, son?” Coach’s voice was as gentle as it was capable of being, and it helped cut through Ben’s nervousness.
“There’s something I need to tell you. I don’t want to make a big deal or make a formal announcement, but—” Ben squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. He counted one, two, three and then opened them. “I’m gay.”
Coach Jordan sat back, his chair creaking in protest, surprise written all over his face. His reply, when it came, was a little unexpected. “Okay.” He drew the word out, but it was as decisive as his calls on the ice.
Ben wanted him to say something else, anything to let him know what he was thinking. “Okay?”
Coach tapped his fingers on the desk a few times before speaking.
“I’m guessing you haven’t told anyone else on the team, right?” Ben shook his head. “Okay. First, thank you for telling me. I know that couldn’t have been easy, but you’ve always been brave. It’s what makes you a good captain. Now—” He paused. “—do you want to tell the rest of the team?” Ben nodded, afraid to speak. “Okay. How can I help?”
Ben blinked at him. He wanted to know how he could help. That was a good thing. Relief flooded through him, and he was very glad he was sitting down. “You’d help?”
“Of course, I would.” Coach tapped on the desk again. “This is a pretty big thing you’ve been carrying around.” He leaned forward, as if sharing a secret. “My nephew is younger than you, and he’s worried about playing for the same reason. I can’t say in all honesty that I blame him. But I promise you I will do my damnedest to make sure your teammates treat you with respect.”
“Really?” Ben’s voice cracked. He swallowed past the lump in his throat and tried again. It was absurd to be this affected, but this was his coach, after all, not family or friend. He’d expected— Well, he wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but it wasn’t anything this simple.
“Of course, I will.” Coach Jordan sat up straight and folded his hands on his desk. “What do you have in mind?”
“I don’t want to make a big deal or have a team meeting or anything.” Ben faltered but kept going. “I don’t want to hide anymore.”
Coach nodded. “All I ask is that you let me know if anyone is less than respectful. And that means anyone.” The way he was eyeing him had Ben fidgeting in his chair again. “As for the boys, just keep in mind they’re a pretty good bunch, even though they don’t make the best decisions all the time.”
Ben couldn’t help but laugh. “That’s true.” He smiled to himself. “Thanks, Coach.”
“Sure.” They both got up at the same time, and Ben went to open the door. “But don’t think I’m going to let you get away with playing the way you did today. Come back tomorrow and get it together, understand?”
“Yes, Coach.” The answer was rote, but Ben meant it just the same. “I promise.”
“Good. Now get out of here so that I can go home.”
Ben nodded and walked out the door, grabbing his gear bag on the way. Ryan was waiting for him in the car, and they might need to splurge on some celebratory milkshakes.
Chapter Seventeen
“SO YOU’RE OKAY?”
Marcus’s worried voice made Ben frown a little. Between his parents, especially his mom, and Ryan, he had so many people checking in on him that it was beginning to get annoying. He sighed and shifted, sitting up against his headboard.
“I’m fine.” He rolled his eyes at the skeptical silence on the other end of the call. “Really. Coach was actually very cool about everything.” It was the same thing he’d told his mom and dad at dinner. And had repeated it several times before his mom had let him escape to his room.
“You don’t have to do this, you know.”
“You keep saying that.” Ben heard a meow from the floor and absently patted the bed beside him to encourage Biscuit to jump up. He ended up with a face full of fur and a gently purring cat sprawled across his stomach. A thought occurred to him, and his hand stilled where it had been running across the soft fur on Biscuit’s back. “Do you not want me to?”
“It’s not that. It’s just—” Marcus broke off. It took him a few seconds to continue. “It’s hard, okay? You know I got into a fight with that dickhead Richards. That’s what it’s like sometimes. Some days, no one notices or says a word. And then—”
“Then you find yourself punching someone in the face.” Ben finished for him. He knew all of that, though he hated the idea of it. “But is it worth it?”
He could almost see Marcus’s shrug. “Most of the time.”
“Then I’m sure.” Ben was nervous and more than a little terrified, but he was sure.
“So what’s the plan? A banner? Rainbow balloons?” Marcus laughed, and it helped Ben to relax a little. He started petting Biscuit again, the cat’s purring a soothing reminder that not everyone was going to judge him.
“Nothing that dramatic.” Ben yawned, tired after a long day of worry and then practice. “Maybe I just want to hold your hand, you know?”
Marcus’s voice was approving. “I like this plan.”
“Good.” He yawned again and nudged Biscuit over to the side so he could scoot down a bit. Marcus chuckled in his ear.
“God, go to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Bye.” Ben pressed END and put the phone on his nightstand to get ready for bed.
By the time he came back from the bathroom, there was a text waiting. He made himself turn out the light and get into bed before checking it, though he had a good idea what it was.
Marcus: goodnight
The other pictures had been a little flirty, but could still have been written off as completely innocent. This one, while it didn’t show anything, was subtly different. Ben’s face flushed as he took in the sight of Marcus, hair a little crazy on the pillow under his head, bottom lip caught between his teeth as he stared at the camera.
Jesus. Ben closed the picture, laid the phone on his chest, and stared at the ceiling. He wasn’t coming out to the school and the team and everyone for Marcus, but—he took another peek at the picture before locking the phone and putting it on his nightstand—that was definitely a good source of motivation.
IN THE END, it was both better and worse than Ben had imagined. They’d all met up in the parking lot just like the day before, but instead of only a hug, Ben got a chaste kiss pressed to his lips. He’d fought the urge to look around, to make sure no one saw, but Marcus had simply taken him by the hand to get him moving toward the school. At least he didn’t have to haul around his gear bag since it was a rest day. They’d have a light morning practice the next day to prep for the game.
They walked hand in hand to the front doors of the school, and no one said a word. Or even acted like they noticed. He wasn’t sure if that was because it was morning and everyone was still half asleep, or because Ryan and Rachel were following behind them like temperamental guard dogs.
They parted ways with a quick squeeze of their hands, and that had been that. Or so he’d thought.
Rachel was waiting for him at what had become their usual table, a frown solidly on her face. She was holding her phone, and her thumbs were flying over the screen. Ben put his tray and backpack down before she looked up at him.
“Well, everyone knows now.”
Ben blinked at her. “What? No one was even paying attention.” It had been a little bit of a letdown, if he was completely honest.
“Rule number one. They’re always paying attention.” Rachel tapped out something and then put her phone on the table, where the screen continued to light up with messages.
Ben’s heart dropped. “Is it bad?”
“Some of it.” Rachel gave him a tight, grim smile. “But not all. Your hockey bros are actually helping to squash some of the nasties.”
“What?” Ben’s voice sounded faint to his own ears. “Who?”
“Taylor Smithwick, Nicky Espinoza, Brandon Holt. Even Jordan Roberts. Who’d
have thought that dick had a heart?” She made a face. “He’s usually just ugh in general.”
God. Ben’s heart was about to beat out of his chest. “What are they saying?”
Rachel scrolled up and handed over her phone. It was some sort of giant group text he didn’t even know existed. He started reading and quickly realized Rachel knew a lot more people than he did.
It had started with one person saying they saw him and Marcus walking in together, and then steamrolled from there. There were a few people jumping in with the expected “I didn’t know he was gay” and “wtf,” and some other people saying it was gross. Ben grimaced but kept reading. Pretty soon, other people started piling on the judgy ones, and then the hockey players arrived. It wasn’t all of them by a long shot, but a solid number of the guys were sticking up for him. And Marcus.
Ben let go of the phone when Rachel gently tugged on it to take it from him. “They stood up for me.” It took a minute to sink in, but then relief washed over him. The knot he’d been carrying around in his chest ever since he’d last seen Marcus loosened, just a little bit.
Rachel flashed him a small, sweet smile. “They did. Screw the haters, dude. It looks like most of the team has your back.”
There was a small flash of guilt for having thought the worst of them, but how was he supposed to have known? For all he knew, he could be the first guy that some of them knew to come out. It was a nice surprise.
“Have you heard from Marcus?”
She nodded and flashed the screen at him. There were some screenshots of the text messages from the group, and Marcus had responded with a string of smiley and heart emojis. Ben finally pulled his own phone out and checked it. He didn’t usually during the school day, knowing full well he wasn’t stealthy enough to use it during class.
Marcus: ok?
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