by S. L. Giger
I studied her face.
‘You're scared.’ I stated.
‘I can't lose you again.’ She whispered.
‘You won't. I honestly am much better. I do think about the future but the most important factor is that you are in it.’ I softly stroke over her cheek but then moved away again because I still felt this barrier between us that I created by pushing her away from me. It was only fair if I allowed her enough time now to be ready to come back to me. The fact that she came to see me the first minute she returned from Florida was a good sign though, wasn’t it? ‘Sometimes I worry that in the future I won’t be enough for you.’ I stared at the ground grinding my foot on some sand that had been blown onto the boardwalk.
‘Why?’ She looked at me in confusion.
‘Because I can’t come jogging with you every day and don’t have any successes you can be proud on, whereas you still are your strong old self.’
She lightly touched my arm. ‘Look at me.’
I turned my head to face her. ‘Sport was one thing that connected us but it wasn’t what made us such a good couple. It was other things. The way I could talk to you and how you made me feel like I was the most special person in this world. That’s the connection I’m trying to find again and the letters surely help. Plus, your comics are great!’ She exclaimed. ‘I showed a few to my friends and now they want to see everything you send me. Maybe you could pursue the drawing a little further.’
‘Like taking art classes?’
‘Yes, why not?’
I shrugged. ‘I just see it as a hobby.’
‘Keep thinking about it.’
I nodded. ‘You wrote about your summer plans. You want to go to Europe for a whole month?’ I asked.
‘Yes. It’s such a long flight. At least it will be worth it.’ She smiled a smile that I interpreted as slightly apologetic. I profited from this moment and took her hand into mine. She didn’t refuse.
‘I wished I could come, too.’ But the doctors strictly prohibited me to board a plane, which was basically a party place for bacteria.
‘I also picture us traveling together in the future. But I feel like it will be good for me if I do this one on my own, with Amanda.’
‘That was a bit contradictory.’
‘With you, I always felt safe and I wasn’t afraid of conquering the world. It would be nice to see that I can do it on my own as well.’
‘You went to Florida on your own.’ To me, she seemed like such a strong person.
‘I just go to school there. It’s also such a protected area.’ Then she looked directly into my eyes and I tried to burn this image into my memory for the long time we would be apart again. ‘But I promise, I’ll write you from every place.’ Then she added, ‘Plus, I won't go to Paris.’
‘Should that be something I should be happy about?’ I asked in confusion.
‘Well,’ Fiona blushed, ‘after all, it's supposed to be the city of love. It would be pointless to go there without you.’ She bit her lower lip and looked at me. Suddenly, the air between us seemed to be charged with electricity.
I moved my face a little closer. We looked into each other’s eyes for another few seconds until she also moved towards me and our lips met. It was a bittersweet kiss. Now I knew what that word meant. It was so good because it was all I had been dreaming of during the past months but it was sad because it didn’t bring us any closer or made her suddenly trust me again.
She gave a short laugh when we drew apart.
‘I hope there will be more of that in the future, too.’ I said.
‘I need more time. It’s difficult with this distance.’ She frowned and moved slightly away from me.
‘I know.’ I sighed. ‘And this is ok.’ I smiled. ‘Shall we head back?’
She nodded.
‘You do know that this kiss will encourage my fantasies about you during the next few months.’ I said.
‘Stop that, you’ll make me blush.’ She laughed.
‘Just being honest here. Even with the distance, you need to know this, too.’
She let me take her hand again. Although it didn’t come to another kiss during her remaining spring break time, the first stone of our new foundation had been laid. Now, time would tell how long it would take to rebuild our castle.
Chapter 18
I further thought about what activity or study branch I could pick up in case my health was still improving the way it was now. It was difficult though, since everything that used to interest me; machines and sports related things, hadn’t been part of any recent activities. Perhaps, Eric had an idea and so, during one of our calls, I asked him where he saw me in the future.
‘I always thought you’d have your own construction company one day. So, I think something with construction or engineering would suit you.’ He said.
‘Yes, that’s still interesting but now I think more that it should be something in an office. You never know how long you are fit and it’s just easier to work in a chair at a desk. But I’ve never been exact enough to draw plans for buildings.’
‘There must be many other jobs in that field. Go online and look! But speaking of drawing, these dog comics you come up with, I mean, you’ve got a real talent there. Have you ever contacted the local newspaper, whether they want to print them?’
I laughed. ‘No, I haven’t. It’s okay if the kids at the hospital or my friends see them but they aren’t really intended for other people.’
‘Send some of them to the local Gazette! If you don’t I will.’ He fake threatened me.
‘Okay, I will.’
‘Of course you could take some art classes. Or attend a narration class, like I do. It helps with sorting your thoughts and making your storytelling better.’
‘I never thought that I would say this but you suggesting something related to storytelling for me, actually creates this warm and fuzzy feeling of excitement inside me.’
‘I always knew we were more alike than we thought and we weren’t just friends because of living close to each other.’ He laughed. ‘Just wished you wouldn’t have needed this blow of destiny to figure it out.’
‘I’m not running around on stage in tights yet.’ I retorted.
‘I’m not doing this so much anymore either. I like directing better. Storytelling.’ He underlined again. ‘My first short production will be on stage in September. Perhaps you could come here for a weekend then.’
‘I think that should be doable.’
‘Great. Fiona still seems to have a good impact on you. You sound much more positive.’
‘I think it’s a mixture of her and Lucy. She understands exactly what it is like to eat more medicine for breakfast than others are taking throughout their whole life, not be able to do the sports you want or not to be able to go on vacations you want to take. It’s good to have somebody to talk to who understands.’
‘And you are spending a lot of time with her?’
‘I see her almost every day. And I know what you think now but it’s not like this. I miss Fiona and I long to hold her in my arms. Fiona is who I want but Lucy is who I need now.’
‘Makes sense.’ He said to my surprise. ‘And I’m not judging anyway.’
‘I think I learned what dishonesty can do to you.’ I said.
‘Yes, you don’t need to vindicate yourself. I’m your friend. I want you to be happy. Plus, I’m kind of going out with somebody new as well. Antonia. Phew, it’s different from what I had with Lea. I love it.’
‘Hah, sounds good. Send me a picture sometime. I’m still happy to be a judge.’ I laughed.
When we hung up I looked through my comic sketches. I picked out three and re-drew them on white paper. Once I was satisfied, I put them into an envelope and wrote a note about who I was and that I would be very happy if they wanted to print one of my comics once a week.
After a week they called me to let me know that they would be more than happy to prin
t such ‘refreshing comics from a local artist’ as they put it. When the first newspaper with my comic appeared, I was so proud, that I cut out the page and taped it to my door. I also went to look for other newspapers and sent the page to Fiona and Eric. I still have Fiona’s reply email because it was the first time since my diagnosis that I felt worthy of her again because I wasn’t a complete loser.
Subject: Comic
Hey my dear
I’m so proud of you! That’s a real achievement. Keep it up! I’m thinking about ordering the newspaper to be sent to Florida. Otherwise, there’s nothing new here. Soon, I can start packing to come home and then on to Europe. Woohoo!
*hug*
Fiona
Eric just told me that in case I became rich, I should remember that it was his idea in the first place and I should reward him appropriately for it.
My mom was happy as well.
‘My son is a published artist! We need to celebrate!’ She held up a bottle of sparkling wine.
‘You know that alcohol is not going together well with my medicine.’
‘One exception under my supervision won’t hurt.’ She winked at me and filled two glasses.
‘Do you think I could take some classes at the community college next semester?’
She placed the bottle back on the counter and looked at me. ‘That would be a great idea. I didn't want to push you too much, given your condition. But if you feel strong enough again, I'll support you as much as I can.’
‘I think it would be good for me.’ I said.
‘Were you thinking about something specific?’
‘Writing and drawing. I can have a diploma in two years.’ I kneaded my fingers.
‘Yes, with your recent talent developments, I’d say that’s a very good idea. Now, we have two things to cheers to.’ She laughed and almost seemed young again. The way before the weight of my cancer had pressed down on her.
I laughed as well. ‘I’m excited. For once I feel like I have a future again which I can be happy about.’
Although the deadline for one of the courses was already over, this time I played my cancer card and they turned a blind eye to it. I would also be a college student in September, but because it was so close from here, I would still be able to live at home and get enough rest if needed.
Summer approached and the doctors were very happy with me. My body was in a good shape considering what it had been through and to set an end to the longest year of my life my mom baked me a “Happy 1st year anniversary cancer survival cake”.
One day, in early June I went to pick Lucy up to go to the city with her. When we left, her mother was standing in the doorway, her arms crossed in front of her chest and a concerned look in her eyes, like so many times before.
‘I think your mom doesn’t like me.’ I said.
‘What makes you assume that?’
‘Have you seen how hostile she looks at me?’
‘You imagine things. She just studies you. Where you could hide potential germs, you know.’ Lucy smiled.
We drove to Central Park and I took her out in one of these small wooden boats on the lake.
I climbed into the boat first and held out one hand to help her inside. Lucy swayed a little so I grabbed her whole arm and supported her. Once she was in the boat I kissed her tiny, snow-white hand.
‘My lady, lay back and enjoy the ride.’ I rowed away from the shore. ‘Now you just imagine lots of small bridges and colorful houses and it will be like we were in Venice.’
Lucy closed her eyes and laid her head back, so that the sun shone directly on her face.
‘I’d love to go to Venice. Perhaps, I’ll be born as an Italian in my next life.’
‘How about you’re going there in this life?’ Fiona’s going there this summer, I thought.
‘That’d be wonderful. But I think I’ll be happy already if I make it home alright today.’ She gave me a weak smile.
She loved the day, she told me. But I could see that it had drained her a lot too. Yet, I always failed to accept how bad off she was. Even though I noticed how much care she put into every move she made and how skinny she had become, I thought that was just the low point before it would get better again. I mean, I was the living example that it worked.
In mid-June, Fiona got back for her summer vacation for two weeks before going to Europe. Eric was staying at college three more weeks to do a summer seminar.
I went to pick Fiona up at her house after she had unpacked a little.
‘Hello Kevin, nice to see you again.’ Her mom smiled politely. ‘I’m glad to hear that you are doing better.’ Her words were sincere but I nonetheless felt an uneasy tension in the air. Her eyes hovered to my short hair and then quickly back to my eyes again.
‘Yes, it has been a while. I’m glad I’ll get to spend some time with Fiona now.’
In that moment, Fiona bounced down the stairs.
‘Hey! Great to see you!’ She gave me a hug and before I could start enjoying what was happening, it was already over.
‘Do you want to come in or shall we go somewhere?’ She asked.
‘How about we go for an ice cream?’ I suggested.
‘Sure, let’s go.’ She slipped on her flip-flops and strode out the door, her ponytail bobbing.
‘You are in a good mood.’ I observed.
‘I successfully finished my first year of college.’
‘You are right; this calls for a celebration. This makes me think of something.’
‘What?’ She eyed me curiously.
‘Wait and see.’
We drove to pick up a tub of ice cream and then I drove on to the parking lot of my high school. I had anticipated that the place would be deserted now, during vacation.
‘What are we doing here?’ She asked when I turned off the engine.
‘A party isn’t a celebration without music and dancing and since I was kind of out of it the last time we had a chance to dance, perhaps we could have a second one now.’ I put on some music on my phone and connected it to the car speakers. I walked around the car and opened her door.
‘So, would you like to dance?’ I held out my hand.
‘Here?’ She laughed.
‘Why not?’
Her eyes glistered and with a smile, she hopped out of the car.
I let go of a breath before taking her into my arms and slowly starting to sway to the music. My heartbeat quickened when I breathed in the sweet and familiar smell of her hair.
‘I missed you, Fiona.’
She didn’t answer right away but she lay her head against my cheek.
‘I missed you, too.’
When the song was over, I held on to her a little moment longer and pressed her against me a little tighter, as if to carve this feeling into my skin.
Then, we got back into the car and shared the slightly melted ice cream with the one spoon I took from the store.
‘So, in your letters, you mention this Lucy a lot.’ Fiona said when the tub was empty and sighed.
‘She’s just a friend from the hospital.’
‘Really, just a friend?’ She eyed me suspiciously.
‘Yes, I need friends, too.’ I said ruffled.
‘I know. I just wished she wasn’t a girl.’
‘But you trust me that she is just a friend?’
‘I guess, I have to.’ She pressed her lips together.
‘I never asked you about the guys in Florida. For one part because I rather don’t want to know if you are spending time with somebody else and also, I think you wouldn’t be here now if there were someone else.’ I nodded in conclusion.
‘You are right, there is no one.’
‘So, why again aren’t we kissing?’ I laughed.
She kept quiet for a moment and my enthusiasm about my previous phrase subsided.
‘I’m looking for something but actually, I don’t know what it is. You crushed something last spring and I c
an’t feel this yet. I’m still afraid that at some point you’ll have another crazy idea and just leave me again.’ Now she gave a shy laugh.
‘I won’t. I’ve learned from my mistakes.’ I insisted.
Fiona gave me a weak smile. ‘Can I meet Lucy?’
That wasn’t a question I was expecting so I took a moment to think about it.
‘Sure, I don’t see why not. I have told her a lot about you so it’s only fair if you get to know her as well.’
The three of us met at Starbucks for a coffee. Lucy and I exchanged a glance once we sat down because we had remarked how a curb between Fiona’s eyes had appeared as soon as I introduced her to Lucy and we were both so used to this sign of pity. It then disappeared again but the damage of being reminded that you don’t look normal is done.
‘So.’ I said to break the silence.
‘Kevin has told me a lot about you.’ Lucy offered.
‘I hope only good things.’ Fiona smiled at her and then looked at me as if she was looking for help.
‘Only good things of course.’ I said, not knowing what else to say. I felt so awkward sitting between the two most important people in my life at that moment while it was obvious that they were completely different and nobody knew how to start off with the other.
‘You are going travelling?’ Lucy asked.
‘Yes.’ Fiona said relieved. ‘Four weeks. To Italy, Switzerland, Spain and some Balkan countries.’
‘I’ve never been there, I wished I could see these places as well.’
Fiona swallowed and looked at me again.
‘Me, too.’ I said. ‘It’s on my list of things to do when I’m healthy, just so you know.’ I said to Fiona.
We drank our coffees fairly quickly.
‘I guess I won’t see too much of you during the next days?’ Lucy said when we were saying goodbye.
‘I’ll still make time for you.’ I said, feeling Fiona’s eyes on me.
Lucy nodded and smiled.
‘How could I be mad at someone like her?’ Fiona sighed when we were out of earshot.
‘Why should you be mad at her?’