by S. L. Giger
Thank you for your e-mail. I remember Lake George as well. I would like to return there too! Did you go alone?
Soon, I’ll find back to you J I can’t believe there’s only Vienna and Budapest left on our travelling plan. Time went by so fast.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Fiona
Well, now that she asked I’d obviously have to tell her that I went to Lake George with Lucy. But now it was only two more days. It could wait until she was home.
Chapter 22
Lucy’s condition was unchanged – bad but stable - and so I could reconcile it with my conscience to go pick up Fiona at the airport. I waited for her with a red rose in my hands.
‘Oh, I didn’t expect to find you like this.’ She smiled as she walked towards me and threw her arms around my neck to hug me. She looked great with the soft tan and everything about her seemed relaxed and happy. I hadn’t planned on it but once she loosened the hug a bit, I found her lips and pressed mine against hers. When we drew apart, she looked at me a bit shocked, waiting for me to say something.
‘I’m so happy you are back.’ I handed her the rose. ‘I can’t go on like this. Not knowing if and what will be. Give me something to hold on to.’
She nodded. ‘I need to arrive first. I’ve just been awake for almost 24 hours.’ She smelled the rose. ‘We had an amazing time but this whole time I missed you and wished you were there with me. It was good to feel this. I think we will be okay.’ She said and her eyes gleamed with happiness.
I took her suitcase and with the other hand, I held hers.
‘I have a souvenir for you. It’s a beer mug from Munich. We could go there together one day. They make new mugs every year.’
‘Sound’s good.’ I said.
‘It’s also good to be in an English speaking country again. It was so weird during the past few weeks. I understood a little something in Spain but other than that.’ She puffed her cheeks. ‘My head was spinning from all the foreign sounds sometimes.’
She spoke like a waterfall and I listened to her stories. When we arrived at her house, we both hesitated for a moment. Was it ok to kiss her again now?
‘What’s your plan now?’ I asked to break the awkward silence.
‘I think unpacking a little and then, perhaps we could eat something together.’
I nodded, a little reluctantly.
‘Why, did you have anything in mind?’ She asked.
‘No. I mean; I can go to the hospital.’
‘Why?’ She sounded alarmed.
‘Lucy isn’t doing well.’
‘Oh.’ She lowered her gaze to the ground. ‘So bad that you have to go to her right now, when I’m finally here and we could spend some time together?’ She pierced me with her beautiful green-brown eyes.
‘I’m sorry if Lucy’s health condition isn’t compatible with your college schedule.’ I said grimly.
‘You know, that I didn’t mean it like this.’ Her jaw tensed and she drew back a little. ‘The way you act one could mean that you prefer her over me.’
‘No, Fiona. I don’t know what more I have to do to prove to you that I want you and only you.’
She pulled her shoulders to her ears. ‘I’m sorry. I’m just tired.’ She let me take her into an embrace. ‘So, we will talk tomorrow?’ She asked.
‘Yes.’ I gulped the lump away that started to build again because I was thinking about Lucy’s condition.
Fiona squeezed my hand and kissed me on my cheek. ‘Thank you for picking me up.’
Fiona got out of the car and although part of me rather wanted to have dinner with her, instead I drove to the hospital.
Lucy’s parents were there as well. She was asleep with an oxygen mask over her face. We just sat there in silence. It was obvious to all of us, that this could only last a few more days at the tops.
I picked up the cube and twisted it some more.
‘You’re destroying it.’ Lucy had pulled down her mask, that I’d be able to hear her.
‘I can easily make it again.’ I smiled at her.
‘Do you want some water?’ Her mom asked and Lucy slowly shook her head.
After a few breaths, she spoke again. ‘We need to finish this now. You do the first three sides again and then we can do the last one.’
With the instructions, I twisted the colors back to the way they were before and then I told Lucy what to do for the last part.
‘No, look, we’re destroying everything again.’
‘It will be alright. It only looks like a chaos but everything is in its right place.’ I said.
And with a few more turns, the cube was suddenly perfect.
‘Awesome.’ Lucy’s eyes were shiny, as she handed her dad the cube.
When I said goodbye that day, I had a feeling that this would be the last time that I’d talk to Lucy. And that’s almost how it was.
The dreaded phone call reached me when I was cooking lunch at home the next day.
‘Kevin? Here is Lucy’s mother.’
I gulped, preparing myself for the worst.
‘She spiked a high fever.’ Her mother swallowed as well before she continued talking. ‘Her heart rhythm is very uneven. You should come by.’
‘Ok.’ I breathed. I don’t know how my brain could work properly at that moment but I turned off the stove, leaving everything else as it was, Lucy’s mother’s last word still ringing in my ears ‘hurry’.
When I arrived at her room, her family was with her. Her mom came out to meet me. Her eyes were red and she looked drained from all energy.
‘The doctors said that she’ll be lucky if she makes it through the day or the night.’ A sob escaped her.
My heart crumbled. Mechanically, I followed her into the room. Somehow my mind still wasn’t able to entirely decipher the message she had just delivered me. Lucy had her eyes closed and was still wearing the oxygen mask. I simply stared at her for a moment, some kind of fear growing inside me. I reached out to touch her hand, which was sizzling hot. She was still wearing the bracelet we bought at Lake George.
‘Kevin.’ Her voice was week. I could only stare at our hands. I held hers in a tight grip. I wouldn’t ever let her go. I couldn’t move my eyes to her face. I knew that I’d start crying.
‘Kevin look at me. Please. You know how that feels when everybody is avoiding your eyes out of fear or pity. Don’t do this to me now. You knew that it would come to this.’
I slowly lifted my head. I could detect fear in her eyes as well. She closed them again.
‘I’m glad you said yes to that hot chocolate all these months ago.’ I said, feeling a bit awkward in front of her parents, brother and grandmother.
‘Me, too.’ She breathed. ‘Go home now. You still have a life to lead.’
‘I will miss you.’ I lifted her hand to my cooling lips.
I imagined that she was smiling under her mask but all I heard was the rattling of her uneven breathing.
‘Thank you for calling me.’ I said to her mother who nodded.
‘Of course’, she answered.
‘I guess, I’ll go then.’ I said, looking at Lucy again. She didn’t stir.
I drove to the place with the view. The one where I broke up with Fiona over a year ago. I hoped that I would somehow be able to clear my head. But part of me also just didn’t want to let go.
Fiona called to see whether we can do something together.
‘I’m sorry, I need some time to myself.’
‘Is it that bad with her?’
‘She is dying. There’s nothing anybody can do.’ I held the phone away from me, so that she didn’t hear my sob.
‘Are you still there?’ Fiona asked once I had calmed down enough.
‘Yes.’
‘Can I come see you?’ She asked.
‘You won’t like the place I am at.’
She came despite that and we sat on the bench in silence for a while. I was holding her hand.
<
br /> ‘Somehow it is odd to be sitting here with you again.’ She said at some point.
‘But so much has changed since then. I know now, that I’d have had to act differently.’
‘How would you act?’ She asked.
‘I would have told you the truth. Then, I’d have had a real reason why I need to survive this cancer. But you still would have had to go to Florida.’ I softly nudged her in her side.
‘Is that so? You are more concerned about my education than my parents.’ She looked at me and smiled. I pulled her closer to me and she leaned against my upper body.
Lucy passed away the following evening. That’s how her mother texted it to me.
My mom, Eric and Fiona all came to the funeral as a support and I was grateful to see such a huge crowd of known and unknown faces. But it all seemed so surreal. Fiona was holding my hand the whole time and yet I didn’t feel it. The whole time I expected that when I walked out of the church, I’d meet up with Lucy for a hot chocolate. One phrase I remember clearly though. When we went to say goodbye to her parents, all dressed in black, plastering a forced smile on their faces to thank people for coming, her mother took my hand with both of hers.
‘You were like her guardian angel who appeared at the right time to make her walk into the light with a smile on her face. I wish you all the best and good health.’
I had to clear my throat. ‘Thank you.’ And there, I always thought Lucy to be the angel here. But cancer had taught me that guardian angles come in all kinds of forms.
‘Thank you.’ I said to Eric and Fiona. ‘This would have been even harder without you.’
‘Of course. We wouldn’t want you to have to go through this alone.’ Fiona said.
‘But can you understand that I just want to go home now?’ I asked quietly.
She nodded and gave me a sympathetic kook.
‘I’ll drive you home.’ Eric said to her and a wave of gratuity washed over me that he left me my space.
‘That was a nice thing to say of her mom.’ My mom said in the car. I was leaning in the belt of the passenger seat like a drunkard.
‘I think Brownie is our guardian angel.’ She continued. ‘The way he looks at me or knows when something is wrong often makes me believe that he’s actually the ghost of your dad.’ I turned my head towards her in surprise and she laughed lightly as if to wave away that what she just said was slightly crazy. ‘I always felt very supported with him in the house. He helped raising you.’
‘It’s funny you say this.’ Brownie always kept me company and was right by my side when I had to fight with sickness and pains all night. He was my companion, my pet, my friend, my blanket and my protector. He felt when I wasn’t well and tried to sooth me in his own way. ‘He always seems to have the right reaction to everything.’ I smiled and when we walked into the house I gave him an extra cuddle.
The next day, I felt like a truck had rolled over me several times. And when it drove off, it took a piece of me away. I felt a big nothingness inside me. I would have liked to just stay in a dark room and never come out. But somehow I felt the need to call Fiona.
‘How are you feeling today?’ She asked.
‘Could be better. I’d like to see you though.’
We went for a walk in the park we first talked to each other.
‘Look, our lock is still here.’ She stroke over it with her thumb to feel the inscription.
‘I know. I have visited it on a few occasions when I needed some fresh air.’
‘So, why did you want to see me?’ She asked.
‘No specific reason.’ I took a step closer. ‘I’m just sick of only communicating via virtual channels.’ I took her hands.
‘That’s good.’ She said. ‘I know this is hard for you. I don’t even want to think about it that it could have been you who died.’ Fiona turned her eyes to the sky. ‘But that’s why I’m glad that you talk to me now. That you share your thoughts and feelings with me. In my opinion, that’s what distinguishes a good from a bad relationship. I want to know, what’s going on inside you.’ She touched my chest.
I sighed and squeezed her hand. ‘I feel torn right now. I want to be with you but I have to find closure with Lucy somehow and I feel blocked.’
‘Finding closure will take longer than a day or two. But you can tell me about her. After all, I hardly know anything about her.’
I felt a big lump rise in my throat and rather didn’t want to talk about it. Fiona saw that I was struggling and kissed me tenderly but sensually on my mouth, what nevertheless stole my breath for a moment.
‘I can’t always be the weak and sick one and you the one to take care of me.’ I said.
‘That doesn’t matter. But it can’t be that our relationship fails because you are afraid of letting me in.’ She was raising her voice now. ‘Isn’t it more important what I think of you? I know how you really are but it would be nice if you wouldn’t always retreat into your shell, especially in hard situations. How shall I ever understand you, if you never want to tell me anything? I want to understand.’ She stressed the last few words. Then she sighed. ‘Sometimes I feel punished by you for not having cancer.’
‘Why, how? I stammered confusedly. That was the last thing I ever intended.
‘Because you automatically assume that I couldn’t possibly know how you feel and therefore, you shut me out.’ She threw her hands in the air. ‘Sure, I didn’t have to endure all the pain on my own body but I also went through hell. Do you really think, that I never cried or felt lost?’ A single tear now ran down her cheek. ‘See, now I am crying as well.’ She laughed to cover it up.
‘I know that it has also been hard on you and it warms my heart even more that you are still here. Maybe from time to time I need it, that you tell me what I have to do differently. I’ve been on my own and with other sick people so much that apparently, I don’t remember, how to socially behave.’ I shrugged apologetically. ‘It’s easier for me to write thoughts down or draw them.’
‘You can do that, too. I’m always happy about your letters and comics and I feel honored that I am one of the first who gets to read them. I just would like us to learn how to treat each other, when we are within close proximity and one of us isn’t doing too well.’ She reached for my hands again. ‘It’s always easy to be with people who are feeling great. But you are so important to me that I also want to make it through the bad times with you. Because with you I feel completely at ease.’
I softly traced my finger along her face. Her words were like a soft cloud that caught me in my fall into a dark abyss and the cloud was lifting me up again.
‘Sure, sometimes it would be easier to have a healthy athlete as a boyfriend. But even with him, I would have problems, the past has taught me that enough. With you, I feel that you take me serious and I am convinced that we will make it far together.’
I squeezed her against me and kissed her on the spot between her neck and her earlobe. ‘I love you, Fiona.’
She smiled up into my eyes and despite everything that was going on or everything bad that had been, I knew that we would be okay. More than okay.
Postcards
The last two letters of Fiona’s trip arrived regardless of the rollercoaster of emotions that was going on.
Hi Kev!
Vienna is another amazing city where we can do everything we wish for. So, three days are not enough by far. We’re Couchsurfing again. This time we’re staying with 4 girls who share an apartment. I’d choose them as my roommates right away, they’re totally cool! We went out together and everyone was sharing clothes and makeup with everyone and helping with the styling. Very practical and likeable.
Here, all the buildings are beautiful, too. They were built during the time of art nouveau and therefore there are many ornaments on the facades. We also visited the first house that was designed by the famous architect Hundertwasser. He made these houses with lots of colorful rocks and slant walls. I boug
ht you a postcard of it.
Of course, we also went to the Prater, this little amusement park with the well-known Ferris wheel. We went into the “Fun House”. It was a house with moving stairs, things you had to climb up or climb through and the whole time you had to wear these glasses which made you feel drunk. It was hilarious J !
Then, we went to the castle of Elizabeth (Sisi) and Franz-Joseph, the emperors. The park of Schönbrunn was vast and there was an impressive fountain. I’d have liked to visit the zoo but unfortunately, we didn’t have time and it was rather expensive, too.
Yesterday, I went into one of the various art museums. There was an exhibition of surrealist Salvador Dali. His paintings are very bizarre but that makes them so interesting.
Amanda was taking a nap on one of the benches in front of the museum during that time, she was so tired J.
Now, we’re on the train to our last destination, Budapest.
Much love, still missing you terribly
Fiona
The second letter was in the same envelope. So where the two postcards. One showed the colorful house she talked about and on the other was the view of some of Budapest’s castles and churches by night.
My dearest Kevin
Good that we went to the tourist information when we arrived because they told us about the free guided tours there are. It’s offered by students and they take you to all the important sights and specialties of Budapest and they also give you some information about the history of the landmarks. It was very interesting and informative! Plus, we met some other nice Americans with whom we then had lunch. The city is very nice during the day but its real beauty only awakes in the dark. There were open-air music stages everywhere and people are just chilling with a beer wherever they can sit down. It was simply such a nice atmosphere! Unfortunately, it started pouring at 11 pm and everyone was running for shelter. It was a real summer storm, short but intense. Like the one that happened when we went mini golfing, remember?