by Martha Long
I was sweeping the children’s dining room, or refectory, one day when the secondary schoolgirls were sitting down eating during their lunch break. One thundering bully started to try and get a rise out of me. I had had many a run-in with her and her gang! She now left me in peace after I grabbed hold of her in the dormitory one day as she and five others tried to corner me and beat the hell out of me. I took her down with me as the bodies piled on top of us. I held her by the hair, with my knees throttling her throat, and wouldn’t let go until she called off her ‘hounds’. They were pummelling me and only stopped when they saw their leader was getting the worst of it! Now the best she could do was speak out of the side of her mouth about me to her gang.
‘When we leave school, girls, we are all going to get great jobs! Unlike some!’ she shouted in my direction. ‘They will end up in the back of restaurants, pot walloping in the kitchens.’
I paused, feeling a cold determination run through my veins. Never! I will work hard and I will rise to the top! Just wait and see. I will show the lot of you! I vowed. Oh, brave words! We were all brave then.
We left one by one, each following the other out into the big wide world. Alone, young and foolish! But we had hope in our hearts. Intoxicated by our new-found freedom. We were all grown up! Sixteen! The magic word that got us free from state control. We all set off on the same mission: to find love and security. To have a home we could call our very own. But first: find a job and keep it. I didn’t. I kept getting fired! I crept back to the convent, looking for food and shelter. Only for a few days until I was off again after finding a new job. ‘No! Sorry! Goodbye! Find your own way! We have no further responsibility for you,’ Sister Eleanor was able to tell me. Quite stony-faced, too, she was!
I was confused. I had worked on my knees scrubbing floors, and it was all to please her! I thought she cared about me. No! She had only valued the work I had done for her. I meant nothing to her. She was rejecting me. I had left myself open for nothing.
She turned me away from the door. It sliced my heart open. I knew then I had been used; I was worth nothing in myself. It was like it had always been. I’m only as valuable as what I can give. It hurt me very deeply. More so, I think, than Jackser or the ma ever did. I had gone soft in my need for affection.
I went back down the avenue of the convent carrying my heart, the weight of it dragging my head down to the ground. It was even heavier than the suitcase I clutched in my hand. The feeling of rejection and terrible loneliness was making me feel very old and very much alone in the world.
Some of the girls faced into tragic lives. Life continued to be unkind to them. Some died young, well before their time. My idea of bliss was a mother, a family. That wasn’t going to happen now. It was too late. I was a grown-up of sixteen years old, with the desperation for love a starved waif has for grub. I didn’t know where to look. Men only use you, and women let you down! What to do?
I did find love when I most needed it and least expected to find it. He filled my soul, penetrating my heart very deeply, right to the core. But it was not to be. He went his way, and I went off to face a world with a hole in my heart that could never be filled. The pain it left was like having open-heart surgery without the anaesthetic.
I went on to have a child. I called her Sarah. I had little to offer her father. No matter. We were both young. He went his way, leaving me the gift of Sarah. My spirit gave up looking for love. But the loneliness never really left me. I could never leave myself open to people again. Sarah was relying on me, and I couldn’t afford to go through that sort of pain again. I simply looked on everyone with a jaundiced eye. Especially men! I carried a torch for only one man. Who knew what the future might hold? My love lasts a lifetime. So may his yet! I had hoped.
My grief at Sister Eleanor turning her back on me – that rejection slowly turned to mistrust. I never again worked hard for anyone. If I could make money for others, I didn’t. I made it for myself and Sarah. For her, really. She was the great driving force spurring me on. Anyway, I had to work on my own, because I kept getting fired.
Now she comes when I’m a grown woman and it’s too bloody late. I don’t trust her! Particularly after she didn’t bother to come and see me in Intensive Care. I could have been bloody dead. And the only one who could claim me is bloody Charlie. He can’t even take care of himself! He always relies on me. I’m still his mammy!
That fella couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery! I would probably have ended up in a pauper’s grave! No funeral! I wanted to go out with Louis Armstrong singing ‘What a Wonderful World’. That always makes me cry! Then Edith Piaf singing her heart out. Her voice blasting out of a ghetto blaster, singing, ‘Non, je ne regrette rien’. Finally, as they wheel me out of the church, to take me to my final resting place, they can play the song from Midnight Cowboy: ‘I’m goin where the weather suits my clothes’. Lovely.
Yeah! A funeral like that poor black woman got in the film Imitation of Life. Her rotten daughter rejected her because she was black and only a servant! Some daughters should be drowned at birth! The young one wanted to pass herself off as white, so she pretends her mother doesn’t exist, leaving her poor mother to die of a broken heart! I cried buckets at that. I insisted on watching it with my friend Lucy when they showed it again over the Christmas. Me and Lucy sat on the sofa with me staring, waiting for the sad bits, my mouth open, ready to cry! I could see the poor mother and me had a lot in common. Both of us losing our daughters in a very cruel way. Well! Mine left home, leaving me with nothing to mother. And she still only half-baked!
I waited for Lucy to remark on that, but it passed completely over her head. Cretin! She has no kids yet! But the poor mother had a huge funeral, with everybody from the neighbourhood coming from far and wide to squeeze into the church. It was crowded because she was respected and loved by everyone, except the daughter!
A huge choir sang, and the area outside, never mind the church, was covered in flowers. With everyone screaming their lungs out in pain at the loss of the lovely mammy! I held me breath waiting for the young one to turn up! She did – at the last minute. She was the last one to find out! She threw herself on the coffin, prostrate, and sobbed until her heart was broken. Serves her right! I hoped Sarah would throw herself on my coffin, weeping and gnashing her teeth! I could leave her a note sayin, ‘I’m gone! Ye’re too late!’ Hmm! Lucky I didn’t manage to top meself. At least now I can organise my own funeral.
Hmm! Poor Charlie! He’s actually more intelligent than me. He told me that when I was sent away he had to go to the convents to get the bread. But when he got anything extra, he didn’t bring it home to the ma. He ate it himself! ‘Tha way, Martha, she wouldn’t keep after me te get her more. Like she did te you! I saw how she tormented ye when ye brought anythin home. Always wantin more the next time. So I wasn’t goin te get caught like tha!’
‘Yeah!’ I said, shaking my head. ‘That was a very good idea! But I always liked to keep the ma happy.’
‘Yeah! Well, tha was your mistake! I never made tha mistake! They thought I was too stupid, so they didn’t expect anythin from me.’
Yeah! My little Charlie! He ran away from them when he was still only a kid. No more than around ten or eleven years old. He survived the best way he could, sleeping rough. I caught up with him when I was still only a teenager, just after I had Sarah. I’ve been looking out for him ever since.
Yeah! I taught him the facts of life and warned him about women! Yeah, we stuck together, I still mammy him. But his spirit was broken long before I found him again. Intelligence is not much use to you when the life is gone out of you.
‘Where are you? Are you listening to me, pet? Martha!’
I snapped my head up, clearing me eyes, trying to come back to my senses. ‘Yeah? Sorry! What were you saying?’
‘You were miles away!’ she said, staring at me with a puzzled look and a half-smile frozen on her face. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Yeah, yeah! I�
�m grand. Sorry, me mind just wandered,’ I said, not wanting to give her any information because I’m wondering what her real game is. Nuns do nothing for nothing. They always have a hidden agenda.
‘How’s the house, Sister Eleanor?’
‘Oh! I don’t know, pet,’ she said, leaning into me, looking like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.
‘So you don’t know what happened to the dog, Bonzo?’ I felt like crying. It wouldn’t have hurt her to check on the bloody dog. My house is on the way here, for God’s sake!
‘Do you know where my house keys are?’ I asked her, beginning to panic at the thought of all I had left behind, and now anything could have happened to the house.
‘Yes! Oh, yes! I have them safe, Martha.’
‘Oh, great!’ I said, feeling me worry ease a bit.
‘And look what I have got for you.’ She held up two packets of tobacco and papers. That cheered me up.
‘Thanks,’ I said, taking them out of her hand.
‘Would you like me to call to the house and check if everything is all right?’
‘Yes! Yes, please! Will you do that? When can you check?’
‘I’ll do it straight away after I leave here,’ she whispered, slapping and squeezing my hand.
I gave her a watery smile. Still not trusting her. She will put herself out for you, providing it does not cost her anything! No, I’m not putting myself in the position again, thinking I can rely on her. She could turn on me any time! But still and all, I’m glad she’s here now. I’m just grateful she can keep an eye on things for me. Even come up to see me and bring me the odd bit of tobacco. It’s better than a kick up the arse!
‘While you are there, Sister Eleanor, will you pick up a few things for me? Some clothes and wash things, and my make-up bag. That’s on the dresser in my bedroom. You can put all the stuff in the suitcase; it’s on top of the wardrobe.’
‘I’d be delighted, Martha darling!’
I cringed, hearing her say that. It sounded so insincere! But she was the only one who seemed to bother; everyone else has their own lives to get on with. I suppose she thinks it’s her duty to ‘help the girls’. It didn’t give me much confidence, seeing myself on her list of charity cases.
‘I better get back to the convent, Martha. It’s getting late, and I’ll come again soon.’ Then she leaned over to kiss my forehead and started to move to the door.
‘Sister Eleanor!’
She stopped at the door, looking at me.
‘Will you check and see how Bonzo is? I’m worried about him.’
‘Where would I look, Martha? Sure, I don’t know,’ she said, hesitating.
‘Try the neighbours!’
‘Right so,’ she said, smiling. ‘I’ll do that. I’ll give a little knock to next door and see if they know anything.’
‘Thanks, Sister,’ I said, cheering up.
‘Goodnight now, and God bless!’ she said, waving at me before tearing out the door.
I opened the bag, taking out a small box of chocolates and a packet of biscuits. And there was a long thermal nightdress, probably like the one she wears herself, I thought, wondering what the Russian monk would think of me in this!
37
* * *
‘Good morning!’
I opened my eyes, hearing the rattle of the water jars.
‘Are you awake?’
I looked up, squinting, seeing the Russian monk staring down at me, looking like he was examining an interesting specimen.
‘You must go to breakfast now,’ he said, pushing the trolley out of the room.
I turned over on my side, snuggling down into the warmth, my eyes closing, drifting back into oblivion. I gave a big sigh of contentment just before I started to sink deeper.
‘OUT OF THAT BED!’
My heart leapt with my head swinging off the pillow, seeing red, and I leapt up, finding meself sitting on the side of the bed before even I knew what was happening.
I was grabbed by the arm and swung onto my feet.
‘Dressing gown!’ the voice boomed. It was whipped around my shoulders, my arms pushed through. I was swung towards the door, prodded in the back and pushed through it.
‘Dining room!’ roared the Sister.
I looked back at her in her dark-blue frock with white pinstripes and a white-linen collar, with a starched-linen Anne Boleyn bonnet on her head and a black belt around her waist.
‘Yes! I am behind you. There will be no more nonsense out of you today, my lady!’
I swept past the other stragglers. The Dragon lady was causing a wind behind me that sent me moving faster on my feet.
‘Come along, ladies!’ she said, sweeping up the slow, bothered and bewildered, and piling them all behind me.
Nurses flew around, delivering plates on the tables and giving a quick look to Dragon lady before rushing off to get more plates. A plate was slid under my nose as I sat down. I looked at it. Two rashers, two sausages, a nice-looking fried egg – soft! – and one fried tomato cut in half. Toast was slid into toast racks, everyone keeping an eye on the Dragon lady.
I looked up to see the monk gliding past me, hanging on to one plate, held high in the air, with the other hand in his pocket. He had a ‘Mona Lisa’ smile on his face as he glided past me. And when I caught his eye, down came the thick-brush eyelashes, and when his eyes appeared again, they were looking away with disdain. All this without moving a muscle in his face!
The plate was swept from under my nose, sailed through the air, and a voice said, ‘Come along, madam!’
I looked up to see the Dragon lady marching down the room and landing my plate at an empty table. She sat at one end and pointed to the other end. ‘Sit!’
I sat down, looking at the plate, not hungry any more. My stomach closed up.
‘We will sit until you eat! Now begin, please,’ and she pointed to the plate.
I looked at it, then looked away. Nurses were giving sly glances, and the staff nurse gave me a little wave and a wink, then nodded her head slowly up and down as if to say, ‘You won’t get the better of Sister!’
This annoyed me. Oh, yeah? We’ll see about that! I sat back in my chair and folded my arms slowly, and settled my eyes, quietly examining the Dragon lady, who sat facing me.
She sat with the stillness of a statue and eyeballed me back. Her white face had never seen make-up, and the skin was pulled tight around to her ears. Big faint freckles crept across her nose and dotted her forehead. Her ginger hair, now turning silver, was rigidly disciplined to stay in a straight line, with a parting in the middle, and rolled into a knot on the back of her head. Not a muscle moved in her face, nor was there a flicker in her fading grey eyes that showed tinges of green.
‘I can’t,’ I said, breaking the silence between us. I pushed the plate away with two fingers.
‘Why not?’ she snapped
‘If I knew that,’ I said with a sigh, ‘I wouldn’t be here.’
She stared at me, her eyes flickering with interest. ‘You are stubborn,’ she said crisply, ‘and you allow people to dictate your emotions! But you chose to punish yourself. Please engage your brain. You have a good brain, but you are not putting it to good use at the moment. If you die, you will not have options. Disregard your emotions in this instance and use your brain. Allow that to take control, and if you do rationalise you would like to die, then you will have that option. Now, you are running out of time. It is almost three weeks since you ate, and you are very weak. We may have to send you to hospital, where you will be force-fed.’ She allowed air out through her nose and folded her hands on the table, letting her piercing eyes bore into me.
‘I have no reason to want to live!’ I said, thinking of the futility of bothering to face day after day.
‘Nature does not allow time to stand still. Eat, and your time will come. Give yourself one option. Wait for that time. Nothing ever stays the same. Start by eating a piece of toast.’
I picked up the toast wi
thout realising what I was doing and started to nibble it. It was dry and cold. I picked up the knife and started buttering it. It tasted a bit like straw. My taste buds were gone. Then I dipped it in the egg, and it felt nice to be eating. I finished the toast, washing it down with tea, and sat back.
‘Nurse!’ the Dragon lady dropped her head to a little dark-haired nurse who was standing beside a patient at the next table. ‘You may take away that plate,’ she said, nodding to my plate.
The nurse rushed over, grabbing my plate. ‘Let go! I’m not finished,’ I said, thinking they were very presumptuous, and glared at the Sister. ‘I’m not finished! I said coldly, annoyed with her.
I sat munching on my rashers and dipping more toast into the egg, enjoying the pleasure I had allowed myself. It’s not just weeks since I ate. It’s been a very long, long time since I allowed myself the pleasure of eating this much food. I finished everything on the plate, mopping up the last of the egg yolk with the last of the toast – four pieces! I enjoyed that, I thought, staring at the empty plate, then lifted my head to look around me. The dining room seemed crowded somehow. I looked around, my vision clearing, and the Sister was sitting with a cat-that-got-the-cream look playing around her face. Hatchet-face was standing next to her, and Jam-jar from the men’s ward.
There were grey suits and white suits and nurses and most of the male ward staff were here! The kitchen women were standing and staring, and all the patients were bloody looking at me. More people came pouring in the door and started whispering to each other and staring over at me. Wonder what’s happening? What are they looking at me for? Then an arm wrapped itself around my neck and Katie screamed into my ear, kissing my cheek. ‘You ate that! You ate the lot!’