by Martha Long
I looked around, spotting a long passage filled with light and colour and all sorts of exotic plants and tropical trees growing in big pots. I headed straight for that. Out of the restaurant and into another foyer and grabbed hold of the door into what looked like an orangery! Lovely! Wrought-iron tables with iron chairs to match. I sat down, having the whole place to myself, and looked out, enjoying the wonderful trees and shrubs outside and feeling like I’m sitting in the middle of the jungle inside, surrounded by tropical plants and feeling the delicious heat intended for the plants. Ah! This is the life.
I shifted my bony arse, finding a comfortable position, and started to roll myself a smoke. Lovely! I stared contemplatively out at the beautiful gardens and enjoyed the peace.
‘Here you are!’
I looked up into the face of Nicola Kelly, a friend I’ve known for years. ‘Do you know how long it took me to hunt you down?’ she asked, bearing down on me with her huge bulk.
How the hell did she find out I was here? ‘Hi, Nikki,’ I said, without any enthusiasm.
‘I went up to see you in the general hospital,’ she said, lowering her well-fed arse into the steel chair.
I looked at her without answering. She didn’t seem to mind.
‘They told me you were sent here. What happened? Why are you here? Mind you, it looks like the Ritz,’ she said, spinning her head around to admire the place. ‘But this is a “MENTAL HOSPITAL”,’ she said, mouthing the words I was supposed to lip-read, her eyes bulging then fixed on me, waiting for an explanation.
‘I knew it!’ I said, snorting out through my nose and clamping my lips together. ‘They told me it was the best hotel north and south of the border to recuperate after an illness. I was led to believe I was only here on me holidays. Now you are telling me it’s a “MENTAL HOSPITAL”!’ I leaned in, mouthing the words and looking around to see if anyone was listening. ‘No! We’re the only ones here. Can you believe it?’ I said, shaking my head at her.
She stared, looking the picture of worry, then her face cracked up laughing. ‘Bloody hell, Martha. You had me going there for a minute!’ she said, giving me a poke in the chest. ‘But I still can’t understand how you landed yourself up here.’
‘Ah, shut up, Nikki! You’re supposed to be cheering me up. Not putting years on me with your bloody creepy carrying-on! Now! What did you bring me up? Where’s the grapes?’
I looked around at the plastic bag thrown on the ground. ‘Oh, yeah! I brought you a bit of stuff,’ she said, and she took out a big box of Milk Tray chocolates.
I whipped open the wrapper, dipping my hand in and taking out two – the barrel and the Turkish delight – then pushing the box over to her.
‘What happened?’ she asked, stuffing two in her mouth, keeping one in her hand, and her eyes flicking over the box, deciding what’s next.
‘Nothing. I just decided to snuff myself.’
‘So I heard!’ she roared. ‘But why?’
‘There is no why, I just did! I got tired of living, Nikki,’ I sighed.
‘I don’t understand! You of all people! No, there has to be a reason,’ she said, looking into my face.
‘I suppose. I don’t really know, and I don’t really care.’ I felt the life draining out of me, thinking about the state I’m in, and the cold dark life and the emptiness waiting for me out there. I didn’t want to face it, and I was barely hanging on here. I could easily get up and walk out that front door any minute and end it all without warning.
‘Look! Come on! Let’s go into the restaurant,’ she said, whipping up the box of chocolates. ‘It’s more comfortable there.’
I reluctantly followed the box of chocolates.
‘Right!’ she said, dropping herself down into a cushy seat in the corner where we could have a good view of the restaurant and everything happening around the reception and outside the hospital. ‘Gosh! It’s really lovely here. What’s the food like?’
‘Good,’ I mumbled, grabbing another chocolate for comfort and before she ate the lot.
‘It must cost a fortune to stay in a place like this.’
‘I don’t know. I’m not paying,’ I said through the comfort of a mouthful of chocolate.
‘Who’s paying for all this, then?’ she asked, her eyebrows rising to her hairline.
‘How the hell do I know? But I’m bloody well not! I haven’t got two halfpennies to rub together. So they can sing for it!’
‘You are a scream!’ she roared, diving on the box and filling her mouth.
I looked, dipping my hand in. ‘There’s only one left!’ I roared, forgetting she can go through grub like a pile of piranhas.
‘Stop fretting. There’s loads underneath,’ she said, whipping the top paper off. ‘Oh! Who’s that gorgeous-looking thing making his way towards us?’ she said.
I followed her eyes, landing on the monk wearing his leather jacket and throwing his long, silky, gold hair back. My heart went like the clappers. ‘That’s one of the monks. He’s Russian,’ I said, not moving my lips.
‘Russian!’ she said, her lips opening in a sexy smile, her eyes running the length of him. ‘Ohhh! What a waste!’
‘Yeah! He’s supposed to be saving it for God, but he’s giving it to a blonde bombshell with huge creamy knockers behind God’s back! What a hypocrite!’ I said sourly. ‘Ah! Don’t be looking at him, Nikki! He might think we’re desperate for him!’ I hissed.
She didn’t bloody hear me. Her face was frozen in a ridiculous grin, her eyes glued rigid drinking him in. Bloody dazzled by the Russian fool! As he got closer, she lifted her arse an inch off the seat and stuck out her huge knockers, rubbing her hands under them. I watched as she then stuck them out in a fake stretch, pretending to yawn!
‘Ye came to see me, not run off with one of the fucking monks!’ I roared, red in the face, my temper rising to the ceiling.
She ignored me, keeping her eyes feasted on him.
‘Fucking women!’ I said, shaking my head to the wall. Imagine making a fool of yourself over an idiot monk! It could only happen in the loony bin! I was very discouraged by all this competition. Ah! I can’t be bothered. The man has no morals! He thinks he’s God’s gift to women!
‘I have been searching for you!’ he said.
I ignored him, staring with a puss on my face at Nikki, with the huge stupid grin on her face, flashing from me to him.
‘Why do you not stay with me?’ He moved himself right in front of me, staring down intently.
I stared indifferently into space. Nikki gasped, saying under her breath, ‘His voice is soooo sexy! Lucky thing! I’d love a bed here for the night!’
She kept talking under her breath and staring at him with a thick smile on her thick lips. Her eyes were shining.
‘Come! You must tell your friend to wait. Lunch is being served. Come!’ Then he took my arm and pointed me in the direction of the lift and said, ‘Please go now! You must be trusted if you wish to spend more time out of the ward.’
I walked to the lift like I was in a trance, delighted he was with me. Then, when I looked back because of the silence, I discovered I was standing by the lift on my own. The fucking eegit was heading off down the passage over to the monastery where the monks live. He did it again! He never even said goodbye!
Nikki was standing at the entrance of the restaurant. ‘I’ll wait here for you. How long will you be?’ she shouted.
‘About half an hour,’ I said.
‘OK, I’ll get some lunch here!’ Then she gave a dazzling smile, puckering her lips and throwing her thumb down the passage after the Russian, and raised her eyes to heaven.
I laughed and got in the lift, leaving her there to wait.
40
* * *
I walked into the dining room and stopped, looking around for a free chair. Blondie waved me over, ‘Come on! I’ve kept a seat for you!’
I breezed over, sitting myself down. Suddenly there was an almighty blast from behind me, straight
into my ear.
‘Where were you, madam?’
I looked up into the red face of Esther. ‘You are grounded on the ward! Wait until Doctor hears about you vanishing!’ Then she slammed down a plate of bacon and cabbage with parsley sauce in front of me.
My mind went blank with shock. ‘Oh! Did you not hear I was out in the restaurant with a visitor?’
‘What visitor?’
‘The one sitting down there now, waiting for me. Did the Russian monk not tell you?’
‘No! No one tells me anything! I was tearing up and down all the morning looking for you! You have no right to leave the therapy room, especially without permission!’
‘I went with her and the Russian for coffee. He brought me!’ I said, pointing at Blondie.
‘Well! He didn’t mention it to me!’ she sniffed, wandering off and muttering to herself.
‘Where did you get to?’ panted Blondie. ‘I had coffee with Sebastian!’
‘Sebastian!’ I roared. ‘So now you’re on first-name terms?’
‘God! He’s a hulk!’ she said, ignoring me. ‘We wondered where you went to. You should have stayed, then we could have had a great laugh.’
‘NO! You mean you actually managed to squeeze me into the conversation?’ I looked shocked, shaking my head with sarcasm, but she wasn’t listening.
‘Yeah! As it was, he went off to look for you, and I was left on me tod!’ Her face fell on the dinner, then she lifted her head and glared at me.
‘It was only supposed to be me and him anyway,’ I said sourly.
‘Stop kidding yourself,’ she said, her eyes spitting venom. ‘You’re not his type. He likes blondes!’ she said, patting her hair.
I’ll fucking land that dinner on her head in a minute if she doesn’t start acting her age. My heart was leppin, flying with the rage. On the other hand, I don’t want to go back to lock-up. Enough nonsense, Martha!
‘Ah! You’re right. He certainly fancies you!’ I said, smiling.
‘Do you think so?’ she gasped.
‘Jaysus! Will ye listen to yerselves!’ snorted Maggie. ‘Neither of ye is exactly spring chickens, but ye’re talkin there as if ye’re schoolgirls!’
‘EXCUSE ME! You old cow . . .’
‘Martha! One more sign of trouble out of you, and you’ll be marched straight back to lock-up!’
I whirled around, seeing Esther appear out of nowhere. She stood over me, waving her finger in my face. I could see this would give her and Maggie great satisfaction. I’m really fed up with this place; it’s like being a child again back in the convent. This is ridiculous! I’m used to being my own person. I’m really fed up with myself. How did I ever get to be so stupid?
I clamped my mouth shut and stabbed at the bacon, glaring at Maggie. She smirked and shovelled a lump of bacon into her gob, rattling her false teeth up and down, showing everything in her mouth.
‘They have a geriatric unit here, I believe,’ I said, turning haughtily to Blondie.
‘Yeah, I think so,’ mumbled Blondie, shovelling up a mouthful of cabbage.
‘It must be full,’ I mused. ‘Some are being sent up here!’ Then I started eating with relish and throwing a sly eye to Maggie. She stopped shovelling her dinner and eyed me. Her fork stopped in the air, her mouth wide open waiting for it. Then the fork moved closer to her mouth, then paused suddenly, her eyes squinting slowly over to me. I examined my meat. ‘Lovely bit of bacon, this!’ I said to the air.
‘Ye’d better not be passin them remarks at me!’ Maggie warned, her eyes looking very vicious.
‘God, no, Maggie! Sure, you’re in your second dotage.’
‘Whadeyeahmean be tha?’ she roared, slamming down her fork.
‘Nurse! Maggie is having one of her fits!’ screamed Blondie.
Esther came rushing over. ‘What is it now, Maggie?’ she said, sounding worn out.
‘This brazen hussy is tormentin me!’ she said, waving her fork at me.
‘Ah, no, Maggie! No one is upsetting you. We are your friends, aren’t we?’ I said, looking at Blondie, desperation now hitting me. Lock-up, here I come. Oh, God! Why can’t I keep my bleedin mouth shut!
‘Yeah, Nurse. She’s just upset today.’
‘Come on, Maggie. Eat up your dinner and get ready for medication or you’ll spend the rest of the day in bed.’ Then Esther rolled herself off, muttering, ‘I’ll kill someone before the day is out.’
I looked at Blondie and we both screeched laughing. ‘There’s saner people locked up,’ I said.
‘Ye can fuckin say tha again!’ muttered Maggie, pushing and smacking a bit of fatty bacon, then seeing it slide off the plate to land on the table. She lifted her head, snorting, giving us murderous looks. She was raging now because she got herself chastised.
‘Ah, we were only having a laugh, Maggie!’ I said, smiling at her.
‘Ah, I know tha, daughter! I get me moods. But none of us mean any harm. It’s just good te be lettin off a bit of steam,’ she sighed, her shoulders drooping, the weight of the world on them. I suddenly saw a poor old woman, tired and worn out. She’s taken her fair share of knocks and suffering, I thought, looking at her. I felt very ashamed of myself for being so mean.
‘Yeah! We’re in the right place for that, Maggie,’ I sighed, feeling old and tired myself. I wondered was it worth it. I was beginning to think I had failed my whole life. I never thought for one minute I would end up in the mad house.
I stood up, feeling very weary, and went over to Maggie. ‘I’m sorry, Maggie,’ I whispered, leaning down and wrapping my arms around her. ‘You don’t need the like of me making your life more difficult than it is.’ I kissed the top of her head, and she reached for my hand.
‘Ah, no, daughter. Sure, I know ye don’t mean any harm by what ye say. Don’t you go worryin yerself about me. Sure, it’s a long aul road we’re travellin, an I’m nearly at the end of mine now. Just you make sure te get yerself better, an get out there an enjoy yerself. Ye’re a good girl. Sure, ye haven’t one bad bone in yer body,’ she said, looking at me earnestly.
‘Thanks, Maggie,’ I sniffed, wanting to cry. ‘Thanks for that kindness, Maggie. You’re a lovely woman,’ I said, stroking her soft wrinkled cheek in my hand and seeing the kindness in her faded blue eyes and the loneliness looking out at me.
I eased myself up gently, saying, ‘I’m off now. I better get going.’
‘Where’re ye goin?’ Maggie asked me.
‘I have a visitor! I don’t want to keep her waiting.’
‘See ye later, then! I’ll be stuck down in therapy doin the bloody knittin! It’s not knittin I need!’
‘No!’ Blondie laughed. ‘It’s a roll in the hay you want!’
‘Yeah!’ I laughed. ‘With a blind man!’
‘Get out, ye cheeky cow!’ Maggie roared, throwing a bread roll after me.
I ducked and it hit the nurse just as she appeared up off the floor after trying to pick up the scrapings of someone’s dinner. It bounced off her hat.
‘Stop that! Pick that bread up at once, Maggie Ellis!’ roared Esther.
I laughed, making for the door, and dived into my room, slamming the door shut behind me. It’s all so bloody childish! I’m going backwards! I never had time for this kind of carry-on in my life. Now, when I’m supposed to have more sense, I’m getting childish. Ah, well. It’s better late than never. You can do what you like in this place. Everyone expects it, and no one judges you. Yeah! You can be yourself.
I brushed my teeth, staring at them in the mirror. They’re a lovely set of gnashers, not even one filling. Then again, you’ve never been near a dentist, except to get that wisdom tooth out! I combed my hair and put more lipstick on. Fat lot of good that will do you with the monk. He’s only interested in that Blondie with the big knockers! Still! I’m not giving up. The fun is in the chase, and it’s getting me back on my feet by putting fire in my belly. That’s definitely something to hold on to.
Right! You’ll d
o! I skipped out to the sitting room, ready to go downstairs and meet Nikki.
‘May I go down now, please, and meet my visitor?’ I asked the nurses. They were standing over the medicine trolley, giving out medication to the patients lining up.
‘Not now,’ they sighed. ‘Medication first. You have to wait. We can’t leave the trolley unattended,’ they sang, handing out tablets and water to a patient hopping from one foot to the other. Everything stops for medication. Everyone must be medicated. Except me! I put enough inside me to stop an elephant! All eyes were now glued on the trolley. Happy hour!
They watched carefully as the patient took the two big pink pills, and Esther said, ‘Let me see under your tongue.’
I stood staring, looking into the patient’s mouth.
‘Now the back of your throat,’ and the woman opened her mouth wide, waiting, until eventually Esther said, ‘You can shut your mouth now.’
The woman’s jaw dropped open, and she roared, ‘What about me sleeping pill?’
‘I’ll give them out to you later, after tea, Madge!’ Esther roared into the woman’s face. I jumped back, getting the blast in my eardrums.
I was looking at the woman’s face. I don’t think she’s retarded, and I doubt if she’s deaf! Maybe just a little confused. Patronising fucker. She’s half the woman’s age and has half the experience, that’s why she’s treating the poor woman in an undignified way. Just because they are on opposite sides of the medicine trolley. Then I thought, on the other hand the nurses have more experience than I do around patients. I’m still ending up getting mighty shocked when someone starts acting differently to what I expect. So, yeah! They know what they are doing. And I would be lost without them at the minute. They really do care. Still! I don’t see why I should have to hang around. I have a bleedin visitor!
‘I’m going downstairs, Nurse,’ I said, heading for the door.
‘You’ll wait until everyone else is going!’ snorted Orla, looking up from her charts.
Esther glared at me, daring me to object.
‘Fine! I’ll just sit here, watching you ladies work, while I take a nap!’