by Martha Long
Women stay at home! Mind the kids! Man the house! Look after the husband! They’re the earners. They’ve got the power. The world doesn’t listen to women. Fuck that! We women have a lot of power! We’ve been wiping men’s eyes with our wiles since we all lived in caves. We knew how to stop you dragging us off by the hair of our heads when we hadn’t cooked the meat you just clubbed to death. We knew it was bad to feed you too much of that stuff. It only helped you to think. No! Thinking was bad for you! It put ideas in your head. So, less meat for you, more for us women! We had to always stay one step ahead of you brutes! You were physically stronger than us, so, naturally, we had to use our noodle – head!
Yes! Men think us stupid. Emotional. The softer sex. Good! Long may it last. We can continue to run rings around you. That is, until we women can stand equal with you. Some men, they are so arrogant, drunk with their certain power. They don’t realise they have been had. When they do, then they shrug, shake their shoulders and smile wryly. Oh, well, I like to indulge a pretty lady, they say. Who gives a fuck? We women always get there one way or another!
So, let your guard down. My power is to lull you into a false sense of security. No, I’m no threat. Only a silly woman who will know you are after my body. That’s why I got the job. Never mind. I can handle you. You will get a run for your money! You will enjoy hunting me, the beads of perspiration dripping from your brow as you chase me around the place. That’s when I make my exit. I am fast on my pins. So the game is always played according to the men’s rules. Fine! I understand the rules. Outa me way! I want a house. A home!
I pushed and shoved, getting shoved back, laughed at. But I got my house! Sometimes I was drunk with exhaustion, but then I was alive!
Now I don’t know where that Martha is gone to. She left, leaving behind a frightened old wet nelly. Someone who was afraid to live but not afraid to die. Jaysus! When did I start to disappear? It must have been so very gradual I never noticed. Maybe when I got what I wanted? A home! Became middle class. Then I discovered I am not what I wanted to be. I will never be middle class, which is what I pretend to be. I don’t really even like them. Too much hypocrisy!
Yeah! My identity is really lost to me. I can’t find an affinity within any of the social groups. But the pull of who I once was is growing stronger as I move away from the pretensions of the middle class. I have been living a lie to myself, and that is what is robbing me of who I really am. This is an empty persona I have wrapped around myself. I am a fraud! On the outside of life, living on the fringes, not wanting to fit in. I felt like an outcast, not belonging to anyone or anything. I had no identity. Yes, I am ashamed of Martha Long, the street kid, robber! The little nobody! Yet I think this child in me is trying to tell me something. Yes, the truth of me could lie somewhere there in her. She knows this – that is why she is coming back to haunt me. She knows I need her help.
Yes, it seems as I was growing weaker, becoming more disillusioned with life, losing heart, the child in me was coming back to haunt me. Now she is growing stronger by the day. One day I will have to face up to it! Yeah, I think that is at the root of my problem.
I came back to my senses, blinking to clear my vision. I felt a little lighter in myself. Like I had discovered I am not so bad after all. The street kid I once was – she wants to help me. I felt a stirring in my heart for her. Like I wanted to protect the little nobody. She is you, Martha! Or once was. Not now. No. But you are a part of her, and she is a part of you. Yeah! I thought, getting a picture of meself down through the years. We are really a lot alike. I don’t think I have changed so very much. Just developed a lot more. But she was a lot more honest. She knew who she was. Martha, the little street kid! I shook my head, smiling, thinking of her, then let the thoughts go back to where they belong. Somewhere waiting to come back and haunt me.
I looked around the room, then stood up. Right! I better get moving. It’s going to take me hours to get this stuff sorted out. Bloody hell! Where did all this stuff come from? I stared at the wardrobe, bulging with everything I owned. Better get packing. The sooner you start, the quicker you’ll be finished.
Right! Ready at last. I lifted the heavy suitcase and wrestled with a big plastic bag stuffed with clothes, trying to wrap me arm around the width of it. Forget it! I thought, dropping it on the floor, then started again. I picked up the plastic bag, deciding to drag it, lifting the heavy suitcase with me other hand, then made me way out the door.
‘Jaysus! This is like moving house!’ I puffed, as I staggered down the stairs, trying not to trip and break me neck. I’ll be bleedin banjacksed by the time I get this lot down. I still have even more left, waiting for me back inside the room.
‘Nurse! Wait for me!’ I shouted, roaring me head after the skinny nurse’s arse, seeing her vanish outa sight, then hearing her make her way along a passage without me. I’m really going to lose the rag if that one thinks I’m going to trail around the hospital looking for her! The fucking skinny cow wouldn’t give you the steam off her piss if you were on fire, never mind offer to give us a hand! Fuck her! ‘Where is she?’ I moaned, feeling tortured with all this upheaval. The creep! She ran off and left me. Right! Let her come and find me.
I sat down on the stairs and rolled meself a cigarette. Now she will have to climb all the way back up these stairs, because I’m not going to answer her when she discovers I’m not trailing her shadow. Fuck her! I’m in no mood to be trifled with, I thought, sitting contentedly sucking on me cigarette, feeling better now, knowing I won’t be the only one getting discommoded!
48
* * *
‘There was no need to take that attitude with me! I can’t be in two places at once! I’m really upset you called me those terrible names. I have feelings too, you know!’ the skinny staff nurse moaned, nearly crying with all the insults she got after leaving me sitting on them stairs with nothing to look at but a bleedin blank wall!
By the time she bothered to come back, I had changed me mind. I wanted to stay up here. ‘I’m not moving! Do your worst! Send me back to lock-up!’
I thought that was a good plan. I hatched it up after smoking me way through three bleedin cigarettes, poisoning meself. I think they use lock-up to ‘punish’ the troublemakers, or the ones having a major wobbly. I suppose mine was just a little wobbly, because it didn’t work. I’m raging! She’s raging!
I tuned in again, hearing her still crying. ‘I’m surprised at you! I thought you were more ladylike,’ she sniffed, still not able to get over her sorrow at the insults outa me while she heaved, pulling the guts outa me, trying to get me and the bags moving.
I tuned out again, leaving her to talk to herself. My concentration was all going into getting me and the heavy bags to the new room.
I trailed behind her, wondering was this an exercise in her getting her own back. She must be taking the long way. Surely we have walked ten miles already! She pushed open a door, walking us down a dark, old-fashioned passage, then stopped, pushing in the end door. I hurried in, dying to get a look. Me mouth dropped open, and I stopped stone-dead. Where’s the luxury?
‘St Elisabeth’s!’ she hissed, clenching her teeth, letting her eyebrows stand up. ‘You’re going to love it down here,’ she flew, running the words into each other.
I slowly shifted me head, letting it swing around the room, then back on her, seeing the malicious grin on her face. My mouth opened, but nothing came out. I’m gone into complete shock.
‘Bye now,’ she breathed, curling her fingers. Then she was gone! Flying out the door, banging it shut behind her.
I stared at the two battered old beds with the matching battered chest of drawers and skinny wardrobe. Then my eyes peeled on the old sash window getting the light blocked out because a red brick wall was nearly pressing up against it.
‘Fuck this!’ I snorted, losing the rag. I’m not staying here. I know me rights. They’re not getting rid of me that fast. I’m still in need of intensive care! How long was I up in th
at other place? Four months? That’s not long enough. Some of them are up there for the last year. Right! I’m going to see about this! Who do they think they are? Pushing me out the door and I’m not even halfway ready!
I whipped open the door and marched down the passage. ‘Excuse me!’ I said, looking at the bent head busy writing up charts, sitting in her little office.
‘Yes,’ the voice murmured, without lifting her head.
‘Listen, would you ever get on the phone and tell that lot up in there,’ I said, pointing to the ceiling, ‘they may come down to collect me. I’m not staying here! I’m in no fit condition to be . . .’ I tried to think. ‘It might put me over the edge, all this discommoding! I need to be comfortable! Feel happy in me surroundings! Already I can feel meself . . .’
‘What?’ she said, lifting her head.
I stared into the steely-grey, odd-looking eyes, with the red face and the cheeks hanging down to her chest. Jaysus! It’s Sister Hornblower! Everyone runs for their life!
‘Are you telling me you have not settled yourself in yet?’ she snorted, heaving up her huge chest.
I stared at the silver watch dangling on the chain pinned to her chest. ‘Eh, that’s what I just said,’ I croaked, losing me nerve.
‘I mean, have you unpacked yet?’ she barked, standing up and moving to wave her finger at me, landing it down to point back down the passage.
‘No! I’m not staying,’ I said, sounding reasonable.
‘Well!’ she said, lifting her watch to look at it. ‘You have ten minutes! Then I will come down and get you myself. You are not allowed up here during the day. You have to stay down in occupational therapy. Now! The clock is ticking!’ she snorted, staring at me over the little granny glasses sitting on her nose. I stared back, with the two of us having a Mexican stand-off. Then she broke the silence.
‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ she breathed. ‘Have you listened to yourself? You don’t want to become institutionalised!’
‘No!’ I snapped.
‘Exactly!’ she snapped back. ‘Use that backbone. You have more than enough. Now, straighten yourself up! No more nonsense. Go on! Off with you!’
‘Right!’ I sniffed, heading meself off back down the passage.
I suppose she’s right, I thought, pushing in the door, landing me eyes on the room again. Jaysus! I’ve nothing to look at, no view. Bleedin hell! Look at the beds. I sat down, giving it a little bounce, and me arse went straight down through a hole in the middle. At least the room is empty. Good! That means I have it all to meself. But one thing’s for sure – they are serious about getting rid of me. There’s no mistaking that!
I started to unpack, hearing someone knock on the door. ‘Come in!’ I shouted, wondering who this was. The nurses never knock.
My eyes landed on the monk, seeing him push open the door, putting his head in. ‘I have been looking for you!’ he said, sounding a bit fed up.
I watched as he ambled in then stood throwing his head around the room, digging his hands into his pockets. ‘So!’ he muttered, shaking his head, looking like he was thinking.
My heart leapt with excitement, then dropped, seeing his green eyes sweep past me with a bored look. Oh, enough of this, Martha! It’s time to get serious. You had your fun chasing him, now it’s time to get back to real life.
I sighed, feeling me heart jerk at that thought. ‘I have to get this stuff put away and get out of here,’ I said, letting him know I wanted to get on with me business.
He said nothing, so I lifted a bundle of shirts and bent down, putting them in the chest of drawers.
‘You should be going home soon,’ he suddenly said.
I nodded my head to him and carried on putting things away. He still stood there, making the silence in the room feel very heavy. It felt like a pregnant silence. With things waiting to be said or left unsaid.
Then I heard him drawing in his breath, pausing before he said something. ‘Would you like to take a walk in the garden?’
I hesitated, stopping halfway to pick up stuff off the bed. I wasn’t expecting that! My head whirled around, looking at him. He shook his head, drawing down his mouth, making it look like it was a good idea he just thought of.
‘When?’ I said.
‘Whenever you like. After lunch?’ he said, looking at his watch.
‘OK! Might as well get myself a bit of an airing. I feel like Dracula!’ I said, laughing. ‘But I will probably go up in smoke. It’s been months since I saw the daylight.’
‘OK! I will see you downstairs around two-thirty,’ he said, making a move for the door.
‘Yeah, that will be nice. Thanks for asking me,’ I said, smiling happily.
‘Yes, fine,’ he murmured, shaking his head, giving me a little wave. Then he was gone, out the door.
I stood staring after it, trying to make out why his sudden interest. Then it hit me. What does it matter? I will be going home soon, so that will be the end of that. No need to go getting all excited, Martha. He’s not someone who has something to offer, or me to offer him. Exactly! Get back to your senses. The game is over. This place is nearing the end for you! So start thinking like your old self! What was that? Jaysus! It doesn’t matter. Right! Galvanise yourself into action, finish this job and get moving. It must be nearly din-din time. I’m starving! Wonder what the eating place is like down here? Hurry! You’ll soon find out.
I stood back, admiring me new little nest. My books sat on my locker, next to the lamp with the pink shade burnt in the middle. Everything was in its place. All my stuff was hanging nicely in the wardrobe just waiting for me to run my eye over it and decide what I will wear for the day! My perfume, Chanel No. 5, along with all me make-up, sat lined on top of the dressing table. Lovely! It looks more homely now! I sighed, taking in a big breath, letting it out contentedly. Jaysus! I hope no one moves in here with me. I’ll cause holy murder! They might even start robbing me stuff! Then there will be a murder committed! I snorted to meself, feeling me belly go on fire with the thought of the imagined thief! Bloody hell! Stop, Martha. You’re going nuts! Getting all . . . Jaysus! The ma used to say that when I was little and we lived in the homeless hostel . . . Stop! You’re driving yourself nuts!
I blinked, trying to settle me senses again. Clear me head. Right! Get moving. You’re grand! I gave a big sigh and shut the door behind me, then walked down the dim passage. I hurried on, getting a lift at the idea of seeing my new surroundings. I’m even getting taken for a walk with the monk. Or maybe he might be taking more than just me. Wonder if Blondie will be tagging along? Maybe he likes the idea of two hungry women hanging off his arms! Bet he does. That fella is a chancer! I think he loves himself. He’s not blind to all the women in this place panting whenever he walks into the room. Jaysus! I’ve even seen some of the nurses licking their lips, letting their tongues hang down to their belly buttons when he smiles at them! Still! It should be good for a laugh. Especially fighting Blondie for him. Yeah! That’s the best bit!
I grabbed the end door, pulling it open, and stopped to look in at the nurses’ office, then jumped back. Hornblower was still sitting there, looking like she was plastered into the place.
‘Off down stairs with you, please! You took your own sweet time before you came mincing down here, looking like a tourist!’ she snorted. ‘I expect you to obey my rules,’ she said, staring at me with one steely marble eye. The other one was blue!
I leaned in me head, getting a better look. Now I could see them in the light. Yeah! They’re two different colours. Like them Dulux dogs! I wonder if she was born like that?
‘Providing you do not break my rules, we will get along fine!’ she fired at me, knowing I wasn’t really listening.
‘Oh, oh, yes, Sister,’ I simpered. ‘You won’t have any problems with me.’
‘That’s NOT what I’ve heard!’ she barked. ‘Now run along!’ she said, waving her hand at me like I was a child or a dog.
I shot down the stairs, making for t
he dinner. I could really have given that one a piece of my mind. Treating me like a child or a halfwit. That’s what I don’t like about this hospital. They treat you like you’re mental or a halfwit! But the grub is gorgeous. The smell of it was wafting up the stairs. My belly rumbled. It was only one floor down, and I was walking along the ground-floor passage in no time. Gawd! I’m feeling grand now. This new sense of freedom is lifting my spirits no end!
That was a lovely, gorgeous dinner. They get even better grub here than they do upstairs. Lovely! I’m really feeling satisfied after that. Right! I better get a move on. I took me time in there, eating me way through two whole dinners and double portions of all the different desserts. I hope your man hasn’t taken off without me!
I turned into the restaurant, spotting the monk surrounded by a gaggle of women, with Blondie in the middle of them. She waved me over, laughing. For a split second my heart took a dip, and I stopped dead. Ah, ah! Stop the nonsense, don’t be childish, Martha. Everyone is entitled to their ration of him.
Right! I danced down the steps, heading over to them. The monk stood up, saying, ‘Goodbye, ladies! I will see you later.’ Then he started walking in my direction.
He’s leaving them sitting there! Maybe it’s just him and me. Great! The less the better. More ration of him for me!