Ma, I've Got Meself Locked Up in the Mad House

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Ma, I've Got Meself Locked Up in the Mad House Page 46

by Martha Long


  She sat looking shocked, buttoning her overcoat up to her neck. But when they got in, the only nudist was herself. She strutted around looking like an innocent schoolgirl wearing an itsy-bitsy bikini! Driving everyone, including the little Boy Scouts leader, mad! ‘Ohh!’ she panted, looking at his big beefy legs sticking out under the long brown shorts. ‘Please! Can you fix my strap? Look!’ she mewled, grabbing her huge chest, juggling the pair of them under his flaring nostrils. ‘They are falling out!’ Her boyfriend was nearly pole-vaulting out of his trousers with the want.

  The film ended and Sergei stood up, making for his jacket. We both sighed happily, still smiling from all the laughs.

  ‘OK! It is time. Thank you for a lovely evening.’

  ‘Would you like a lift back?’ I said, seeing the pair of us look at the time. ‘It’s nearly half past nine,’ I said. ‘Gawd! The day flew in!’

  ‘Yes! Congratulations! You have a good life. This is an excellent home. Big enough for more people. It is a family home!’

  ‘Yes, oh yes,’ I said. ‘But most people here are retired now. All their families are grown up. They have lived here for years.’

  ‘Yes, yes,’ he said slowly, shaking his head. ‘You are fortunate. Enjoy!’ Then he walked to the door and I followed him out.

  ‘No, it is a nice night. I will walk to take the air. Thank you for your offer. Goodnight! Maybe some time we can meet again?’

  ‘Oh, yeah, that’s OK,’ I said, happy with the idea.

  ‘I will see. My time is busy,’ he said, stopping and looking at me. Then he turned, heading for the gate, saying, ‘Goodbye!’

  ‘Bye, Sergei! Thanks for calling,’ I shouted, seeing him wave, then shut the gate after him. It’s a lovely night, I thought, staring up at the stars and drinking in the warm evening air that smelled of lavender and freshly cut grass. I stretched, feeling lovely and tired, then walked in, closing the door, locking it for the night.

  ‘Bonzo! Bloody mutt is missing again,’ I muttered, talking to meself. Right! Up the stairs. An early night is in order for you! Bed, book and candle! Maybe Radio Four might have a good play on? I will sleep tonight. That air is sure heavy with the weight of lovely warm garden scents.

  55

  * * *

  I was dozing away with a book in my hand, lying sprawled out on a sunbed, enjoying the late summer sun. Nearly the end of August! I thought, turning over to have a snooze. Ahh! This is the life, I thought, giving me nose a quick scratch, then wriggling for more comfort. Bonzo started barking his head off, lunging at the side gate. That bleedin dog! I’m selling him to the zoo! They can use him for meat! Then he flew down, looking at me with his eyes bulging, staring, and his ears flapped up, then took off again. I lifted me head, stretching me back into the air. Wanting, but not willing, to get up! Then I heard the side gate opening. I grabbed me wrap, not wanting to show off me bikini. Tan or no tan! Well, mostly the front. As usual, the back of me nearly looks like a milk bottle. I hate lying on me belly!

  ‘So! This is what you do!’ said Sergei, standing at the passage, taking me in.

  I looked at him and me breath caught. Jaysus! He looks gorgeous. His hair was glittering gold against the pale white underneath. It was thick and silky, slicked back off his forehead, just tipping the collar of his pale-blue striped shirt. His skin had gone a lovely golden tan.

  ‘You’re back!’ I said, beaming with delight at the sight of him. I never know when to expect him. He nodded, then lowered his thick lashes, looking the length of me, taking in me legs with the bit of colour and the way they had filled out from all me eating. I could see a flash of interest, and a smile played around his mouth.

  ‘So! You noticed I was gone!’ he said, coming over and planting himself in the chair beside me. He put a plastic bag under the garden table, saying, ‘Would you like to eat? Maybe I could prepare something in your kitchen? I have brought some food.’

  ‘Yes, what did you get?’

  ‘Steak! A man’s food. Something to build you up! Tomatoes . . . Ohh, what we need . . .’ he said, shaking his head and shoulders, drawing down his mouth.

  ‘Do you know, I missed you, Sergei!’

  ‘You did?’

  ‘Yeah, I really did! Look at the grass. It’s waiting there for you to come and cut it!’

  ‘Oh, not today! Maybe when . . . soon!’ he said. ‘Now we relax. Take a look!’ He pointed at the bag.

  I dug me nose in the bag, seeing a big lump of foreign cheese, fancy crackers, a bottle of wine and a bottle of vodka wrapped in brown-paper bags. Celery, a fancy cake in a box, potatoes, fresh rolls, cream. All sorts of stuff.

  ‘Can you cook?’

  ‘Of course!’ he shrugged.

  ‘What else can you do?’ I said, thinking I only learn bits about him at a time.

  He took in a deep breath, saying, ‘I have a lot of talents! Would you like to see some more?’

  ‘What? Yeah!’ I said, seeing a glint in his eye.

  ‘Come here!’ he said, taking my head on his arm, then lowered his head, landing his hot lips covering mine! A shiver went through me. They were so soft and warm and moist.

  Then he pulled away from me, saying, ‘OK! You looked very alluring. Sorry! I could not help myself. I am a red-blooded male!’ Then he stooped down and picked up the bag. ‘Is the kitchen door open?’

  ‘Yeah, turn the handle.’

  ‘OK, rest! I will feed you. We will eat in one, two hours. It is not important. The day is long.’

  ‘Lovely!’ I breathed, feeling very content, watching him walk off. Not able to take in he was here. My God! He looks like an Adonis! Wonder why he kissed me after all this time? He never did that before. I could have sworn he was not really thinking that way. Maybe he still isn’t. Anyway! No harm! I’m happy just having the laughs with him, and sharing days out, going for drives, when he does show up. I stared at the one mushroom left sitting on the plate, thinking, if I eat that, I will only burst. I want room for me chocolate cake

  and fresh cream with strawberries.

  ‘Ohh! Indeed! You are a very talented man, Sergei,’ I sighed, flopping back in the sunchair and stretching out me legs.

  He grinned at me, saying, ‘Yes! Almost as talented as you!’

  ‘Me?’

  ‘Of course! You are a very clever lady! But you like to hide it. I think you like to fool people, lull them into a false sense of security.’

  ‘Oh, aren’t you the astute one!’ I said, thinking he is right about that one. I always prefer to play the fool. I shot up in the chair. ‘Ohhh! Me foot! Me toe.’ I grabbed it. ‘Ohh! I’ve got a cramp.’ I watched me toes curling over each other, gritting me teeth.

  ‘Let me see!’ He leaned across, taking my foot and picking the toes off each other very gently with his strong wide hands. Then he started to massage my foot, rubbing his thumbs and fingers up the length of it.

  ‘Ohhh! That’s lovely!’ I sighed, closing me eyes and shoving me foot further into his lap, thinking, I have died and gone to heaven.

  ‘You are looking well,’ he murmured, stretching me ankle and rubbing the bottom of me leg. ‘You have put some flesh on your bones.’

  ‘Have I?’ I said, opening my eyes, looking at him.

  ‘Yes,’ he said, looking at me, letting his eyes linger. I could see a glint in them. Then he lowered his lashes, looking down at my leg, massaging it, then back to my foot. ‘It suits you.’

  ‘Gawd! If Blondie could see us now,’ I laughed, ‘I bet she would be raging.’ I must give her a ring when she gets back, I thought. See what’s she’s up to. Maybe get myself an invite to one of her house parties. The size of that house! It’s a mansion. It must be nearly the same size as . . . something the Queen lives in, but, Gawd! She’s a scream! Especially the way she gives poor Dick the runaround. That man worships the ground she walks on. But she leads him around by the nose. He loves it! ‘Yes, my pet poodle,’ he calls her, when she demands he run and get her handbag! Yet in business, h
e would chew you up and spit you out. One of her luncheon friends told me. That’s what they’re called. Now Blondie and himself are off in St Tropez at the minute. Then it’s the Bahamas, if you wouldn’t be minding! ‘Dick’s business,’ she calls it, sounding fed up! I sniffed to meself. Gawd! She has a hard aul life. Now me! Well, I get excited just going down to the village. It’s a great outing for myself.

  Ah, but she’s very good to me. Dragging me everywhere. Lunches with the pals. ‘The girls,’ she calls them. Aul ones dressed up like a dog’s dinner. They spend more in a day than I would in a lifetime. All in the name of trying to stay ‘young and beautiful’, they call it. Sometimes Blondie an me get great enjoyment listening to the carry-on of them. Nah! You need something left to look forward to. Still, it’s smashing if you can dip in and out of it. I get to stay overnight when Dick’s away. Keep her company, she calls it.

  ‘Oh, will we be sitting in watching the telly?’

  ‘No!’ Blondie explains down the phone. ‘Be ready! Get the glad rags on. We’re hitting the town. I’m picking you up!’ she puffs, sorting me out for the weekend.

  I couldn’t afford to piss in some of those places, never mind eat and drink in them!

  She’s always giving me stuff. ‘Here! Take that coat!’ I look. It’s a mink! I try it on. It wraps around me twice. But I look like a film star in it. ‘Take it!’ she says, giving it a dirty look. ‘Dick has bought me a new sable! It’s stored with the furrier’s until I need it. I will get you a pair of boots to match for Christmas!’ she says, eyeing me, then laughing her head off, seeing me strutting up and down, practising me new walk.

  ‘Come up and see me some time! When I’ve nothing on! But the radio!’ I drone, talking up through me nose.

  Gawd! Will I ever forget the first time I dragged her up to my house for dinner, I called it! We had spaghetti bolognaise, garlic bread and a bottle of white-plonk wine. ‘That was the best meal I had in a long while,’ she sighs. ‘I really enjoyed myself. You and me are going to make up for lost time,’ she says, looking at me with a vengeance in her eyes, letting them glitter and harden, shaking her head thinking about them darker days. ‘We have nothing to stop us!’ she said, making it sound like the world had better watch out.

  But then her eyes softened, letting a sadness creep in. ‘A good friend is something very rare in my circle,’ she said, shaking her head, thinking about it. Sounding very sad.

  ‘Yeah! I know how lonely life can get, Hannah,’ I said, putting my arms around her. ‘But you and me, we’re connected. We both ended up in the mad house! That’s how bad it got us!’ I puffed, staring at her with me eyes hanging out. Then we roared laughing.

  We never stopped laughing the whole night, talking into the early hours about everything and anything. We talked about a lifetime, letting everything spill out as the hours slowly ticked away the night. The only things we didn’t cover were my dark childhood secrets and just how rich her husband Dick was. He could afford to buy out my house with his lunch money and still have change over. Yeah, but our friendship is worth more than its weight in gold. Where would we have been without the mad house? I smiled to meself.

  I looked up at Sergei, seeing him watching me with a serious look in his eyes, like he was thinking, not sure about something. I stared, trying to read him. He dropped his eyes, then landed them on me other foot, grabbing it.

  ‘Oooh! You can give up the day job, Sergei! Just devote the rest of your life to keeping me happy! Ohhh! I never knew such pleasure existed until this minute,’ I said.

  ‘Hmm! You are very sensuous,’ he murmured, landing his eyes lazily on me, giving me a slow grin.

  ‘Ohh! A new discovery,’ I moaned, getting lost in me world of pleasure. Then I suddenly screeched laughing, remembering something. ‘To think I told Blondie you were gay!’

  ‘What?’ he boomed, shaking me foot.

  ‘Ahhh! Go easy! You’ll break me fucking toes,’ I snapped, grabbing my foot.

  He snatched it back. ‘So, you told her I was only attracted to men! What an insult! Come here!’ Then he grabbed me, lowering me down into his arms, and smothered my lips with his, opening my mouth and latching on to my tongue. My toes curled, and I melted into the seat, stroking his soft hair. Letting myself get lost in a world of even more pleasure.

  Then he pulled his head back and stared at me, grinning. ‘That is only for my mother!’ he said. ‘A chaste kiss!’

  ‘Jaysus! I would call that criminal! It’s positively incestuous if that’s the kind of kisses yer ma gets,’ I laughed, seeing him stare at me with his face grinning from ear to ear.

  ‘Now! Enough! No more! My head needs calm,’ he said, putting my feet and legs together, then lying back on his own chair.

  ‘So does my heart,’ I moaned, feeling it going like the clappers. But still wanting and wishing for more.

  ‘Where were you for the last couple of weeks?’ I said, after not hearing from him.

  ‘I was in Rome.’

  ‘You were! On holiday?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Ahh, you never even sent me a card,’ I said, feeling let down he hadn’t thought about me.

  ‘It was business,’ he murmured, lifting his hand and resting it over his eyes, shielding them from the sun.

  ‘Oh, well, it’s not my affair. I won’t ask what sort of business,’ I said, taking in a big breath and closing my eyes to the sun.

  He lifted himself onto his side, saying, ‘I am to take up a new post.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘Very remote. The other side of the earth,’ he said, looking into himself, thinking about it.

  ‘What will you be doing?’

  ‘I will have my own hospital. That is what I am doing in Ireland. I have been here to observe. Now, soon, I think I will be leaving.’

  ‘When? How soon?’ I said, sitting bolt upright, getting a terrible land when I didn’t even expect to feel that would happen to me. Gone! Jaysus! I’m only getting used to him.

  ‘It will be very soon,’ he said, standing himself up. ‘Let us have a drink. I would like a vodka. Do you want the same?’ he said, throwing the head at me as he made to walk off.

  ‘OK, yeah, please.’

  ‘I will bring it out,’ he said, slowly walking to the kitchen.

  ‘So! He’s going?’ I muttered to meself, trying to take it in as I reached for me smokes. Gawd! No more Sergei! These last few months, I really got to know him. I looked forward to seeing him. It even felt great having a man around. He would cut the grass and even fix something when it went wrong. We started to feel easy together. Fit ourselves into each other’s ways as we got used to each other. Now, today, it got even better. More intimate. Like he really is attracted to me. I thought about that. I’m strongly attracted to him, too. It wouldn’t take much for me to . . . No! Forget that. Don’t start going down that road, Martha. Pull back, like you have up to now. Keep your independence. He has his life, you have yours.

  He came out carrying the bottle of vodka in one hand and a bottle of tomato juice and a little bottle of red pepper for me in the other. He likes his vodka neat.

  I watched him making his way towards me, throwing his eye over the lawn, not looking too impressed. Jaysus! He really is handsome, I thought, letting me heart take a little leap at the sight of him.

  ‘Here, we will drink a toast,’ he said, holding up his glass as he handed me my Bloody Mary. Blondie always laughs when she hears me ordering that.

  ‘To the future, whatever it may bring,’ he said, sounding very serious as he downed his vodka, then poured another one, sipping that slowly.

  ‘So, you must not stay alone,’ he said, staring at me with his eyes looking very stern, as if he was giving me an order.

  I stared at him, thinking about what he just said.

  ‘Don’t keep yourself locked up. You have a big heart. Share it!’ he said, snapping his hand wide open in the air.

  ‘Fine! I’ll come with you to Outer Mongolia, or w
herever it is you’re going, and help you to mop the brow of the blind, bothered and bewildered,’ I laughed, trying to make light of the heavy feeling trying to strangle me heart.

  ‘Bah! I will not be doing these things. My work will be administering the running of the hospital.’

  ‘Is it in the bush?’ I said, getting the picture of people running around with spears, trying to catch him for their dinner. Nah! No such thing. Some African princess with the latest fashions from Paris will probably drop herself into his lap, needing his help from all her exhausting high living! I felt a bit jealous with that thought, as I looked at him, seeing him watching me.

  He seemed far away somehow. Like he was searching my face for something, then going off to think about something else.

  ‘Are you delighted to be going?’ I said. ‘It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?’

  ‘Of course,’ he shrugged. ‘But there are some things I must first think on.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘There are decisions for me,’ he said, shrugging his shoulders, holding up his eyebrows. ‘But first I think I will go to my homeland. I will go back to Moscow! Visit my family.’ Then he whipped his head at me, really looking at me, getting a sudden thought in his head. I watched his eyes staring into mine, seeing the look of misery in my face. He said nothing. I waited.

  ‘Do you want to come?’ he said quietly, keeping his face still, but his eyes were soft.

  ‘What! You want me to come with you?’ I said, getting the shock of me life. Not able to take in the suddenness of what he just asked me.

  ‘Martha, it is not impossible for you,’ he said, reaching over to take my hand.

  I watched as he examined my fingers, gently stroking them.

 

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