by Martha Long
My heart flew with excitement. I leapt up and grabbed another cigarette, looking at me hands, seeing them shaking. Oh, my Jesus! I spend me whole life alone. Not one person, really, who cared whether I lived or died. No one to call me own. Except my lovely Sarah. Now, it’s a feast! Jaysus! If you were here now, God, and I could get me hands on you, I would give you a kick up the arse, with your bleedin idea of a sense of humour!
Still! Time to think. Take it easy! Calm down. Ring him? What will I say? ‘Hello! It’s me, Martha.’ Then what? He would ask how I am, I would tell him, then ask about him. Then the silence would kick in, leaving a nervous strain. It could end up a disaster, with one or both of us not saying what we really wanted to say.
The strain of the shock. Me hearing from him outa the blue. Then him getting a phone call from me, outa the blue. No! Forget that! Write? No! Same thing could happen. I can’t read him. I don’t know where he’s coming from. He won’t be able to read me!
Jesus! What will I do? I need to think about this. Go carefully. OK, I sighed, gathering up the breakfast dishes to start cleaning up.
What about Sergei? Where does this leave you and him? You could hurt him very, very badly. No! There’s nothing to talk about. There may be nothing to it with Ralph. Anyway, I am losing the complete run of meself. Who says he’s interested? Or, for that matter, it might not be even what I want. There are some things you can’t make a decision about, not until you are actually faced with it. I could have changed without knowing it. Ralph and me are not the same people. An awful lot of water has passed under the bridge since I last saw him. That was a whole lifetime ago!
Yeah, I thought. It might help decide me once and for all whether Sergei and I belong together. I need to think very carefully about this. I don’t want to open a can of worms, a bleedin Pandora’s box. No! Put it out of your mind for the minute. When in doubt, do nothing. That has always been your motto, Martha. It has served you well.
I fastened the suitcase and picked up my handbag, then looked around, making sure all the windows were locked. I checked the electric switches were off, then pulled the door shut behind me. I locked the porch doors, then headed down the path.
The taxi man jumped out, taking the suitcase off me and landed it in the boot. I sat in the back and he jumped into the driver’s seat.
‘You’re going to the airport?’ he said, looking at me through his rear-view mirror.
‘Yes, the airport, please. Thanks.’
‘Cold aul weather, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, freezing!’ I said, pulling the fur coat around my neck, then stroking it. I felt myself giving a sudden shiver of pleasure. It was the comfort of being so snug and warm, and getting lost in all the lovely softness of it. I let out a big sigh of contentment, thinking, Blondie must have been mad to give this away! Still, she’s not exactly depriving herself, not with that lovely new sable she’s now floating around in! Gawd! She’s a scream.
‘Where are you heading off to?’
‘France,’ I said.
‘Very nice!’ he said, shaking his head, looking very impressed.
I hope so, I thought, thinking the only way to find out was to go and see Ralph face to face. We can stare at each other in surprise. But I will be there. We will have the time to say whatever it is we want to say to each other. Then I will know. But I am sure of one thing – it is time to have a man in my life.