My silence became sullen while I contemplated how powerful I was supposed to be versus how useless I actually was, and how if I heard Taren say “Guardians guard” one more time I was going to scream.
The front gate of the Institute had never looked so welcoming.
The two Guardians on duty scrambled to meet us, radioing the main house that we had returned, relatively unharmed. Moments later we were parking.
When they tried to separate me from Taren, I protested. I wanted to go with him while they assessed his injuries and stitched his lip. Who knew what kind of internal injuries a blow from a Red could cause? At the least, the way he was taking in air in short sips told me might have a cracked a rib.
“It’s OK,” he said. “They’re going to debrief us both. It’s standard to split us up so my version of the story doesn’t influence yours.
I resisted long enough to rest my head on his shoulder. I didn’t care if he was angry—I didn’t want to be away from him.
“Don’t worry,” he said. If he was still angry, his voice held none of it. “I’ll see you soon. Promise.”
As he made his way to the infirmary, Taren leaned more heavily on a fellow Guardian than he’d allowed himself to lean on me. No matter that she was also female; he had no issue with that. It was more that he had sworn to protect me and that bond wasn’t supposed to run both ways.
Master Dogan was in charge of my debriefing. It was Michael who accompanied me which made for an awkward silence. It was just as well. I didn’t feel much like talking.
“How is Gretchen?” I said, closing the door to Dogan’s office behind me.
“She is well,” he said, and rested a hand on my shoulder. “How are you?”
“I’m here,” was all I could manage to say.
“Oh, child, I’m so sorry. How frightened you must have been,” he said and pulled me into an embrace.
I squirmed from his hug and began pacing.
“I wasn’t just frightened, I was petrified—literally. And worse yet, I was useless. Completely and utterly useless. All I had to do was make the knife drop—or even slip a fraction—and the fight would have been over, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything except...”
“Except what?” Master Dogan asked.
Keep it together, not drown in a sea of crazy…
“Except scream,” I said finally, dropping to one of the cushions that circled the low table he used as a desk.
I knew I should confess, admit that I’d been paralyzed by memories of the Root. Admit that, in fact, it was those same memories that came up every time I tried to access my powers, and even haunted my dreams. Tell him about the guilt that was becoming too much to bear, because every time a Guardian was killed fighting a demon, I knew it was partially my fault.
But like the other times I’d thought of telling him, the words wouldn’t come.
“You were almost kidnapped,” Master Dogan said, pulling me back to the present. “As I understand it, guns were involved,” he said, then paused until I nodded confirmation. “The most courageous of us would have had our bowels turn to water.”
While he spoke I’d rested my forehead on the table but now I lifted it to look at him. “I’m not exactly sure what that means, but it is so very gross.”
He chuckled. “Yes, I suppose it is, so let’s have no more talk of that. Are you ready to tell me what happened?”
I nodded and began recounting my worst birthday yet.
6
It was dusk when I emerged from Master Dogan’s office. I was exhausted and weak, but I needed to know how badly Taren was hurt. When I reached the infirmary, a Guard stopped me from entering.
“I’m really sorry, Ember, but I can’t let you in. He’s being debriefed,” he said.
“Still? We got shot at, Taren and Richard both killed a Red, and we got away. What more is there to say?”
A moment too late I realized that that the Institute might not want those details to be public knowledge, even to Guardians.
“Um, can we forget I said that?”
“Don’t worry, I already knew,” the Guard said. “But I really can’t let you in. He’s alright, though. His rib is bandaged and he’s getting his lip stitched up, but nothing major.”
I would have protested had I thought there was a chance it would get my anywhere, but instead I told the Guard I was headed to see Gretchen and he promised to let Taren know.
When I arrived at his parents’ cabin I was surprised to find Gretchen not with Richard, but with two other Keepers sitting at her kitchen table, talking softly. I was hesitant to interrupt but knocked on the screen door when I realized that the last thing I wanted was to go back to the dorm and be bombarded by questions. Or worse, if the students didn’t know anything, have to put on a show and claim to have had the best birthday ever.
All three looked up at the sound, and Gretchen rose, then rushed to open the door.
She hugged me tightly, and when she let me go, asked, “How are you doing?”
“I’m fine,” I said. It was my stock answer of late. “How are you?”
“Recovering, mostly. I’m not sure how I’m going to get myself to leave the safety of the Institute and go on this trip.”
“The trip...”
How had I forgotten? We were supposed to leave for Europe in two days. Were we still?
“Gretch, we’re going to go,” one of the Keepers—I think her name was Sue—said getting up from the table. “You two should have a chance to talk in private.”
The other followed suit and they said their goodbyes before leaving Gretchen and me alone in the cabin.
“They aren’t postponing it, are they?” I said.
I was more convinced than ever that we had no other choice but to go, however dangerous it might be. We needed to be able to fight powerful demons—possibly even more Roots—and I’d proven I couldn’t even help Taren win a fight against a single Red. And though I’d no intention of bringing it up, it’s not like Gretchen had done anything to save us either. Whatever we were learning, it wasn’t enough.
“No,” Gretchen said, and I exhaled with relief. “The Elders know it’s too important. With the other Gateways and their Keepers weakened as they are, the idea that we’re safe even here in L.A. is being shown for the illusion it is. If even one of the Gates opens and they aren’t able to close it, there won’t be any safe place left on Earth.”
“No pressure,” I said, trying my best to make light of what felt way too heavy.
Gretchen led me to the small living room and we sat.
“So, today was...” she struggled for the right word and settled on, “bad.”
“I’ve had better birthdays,” I said, looking at my hands. They still ached from clutching so tightly to the chain link. I forced a smile. “Which, coming from me, is saying something.”
“Do you want to talk about what happened after we split up?” she said.
“Not really,” I said. “I just spilled my guts to Master Dogan.”
Most of them, anyway.
She nodded. “I understand.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled.
I could tell by the way Gretchen looked at me that she suspected I wasn’t being completely forthcoming.
“I’m sensing something…” she said.
Damn telepathy. It rarely ever worked, and never the way I wanted it to.
“Ember,” she said carefully, “I’m going to say something, and I don’t want you to be offended.”
“OK...” I said. “I mean, I’ll try.”
She looked me square in the eye. “I think you’re full of it.”
My eyebrows rose of their own accord. “Uh...”
“Look,” she said, pausing to organize her thoughts. “I know you said you’re fine, but you have been through more in the past several months than most people go through in a lifetime. And it’s not like your life was a piece of cake before you Marked yourself.”
“So...you’re saying I shouldn’t
be fine?”
I finally had learned to handle things and she wanted, what? Tears? What good would they do?
“I’m saying you aren’t fine. You cannot possibly be.” She softened her tone but didn’t let up. “I’m not fine and my life was only marginally in danger compared with what you went through. And the danger my husband and my son were in... I can barely lift my teacup without it rattling.”
She held out her visibly trembling hand for emphasis.
“I’m not sure what you want from me,” I said slowly. “You of all people know that we have to keep it together. There’s too much at stake. Keepers needing Retrievals, the increase in demon attacks, the...thing today. What good am I if I’m cowering in a corner, unable to do anything?”
Without meaning to, I’d hit Gretchen in her softest of spots and she blinked back tears. After she’d been duped into opening the Gate, she’d spent weeks near comatose with guilt.
“I’m sorry, Gretchen, I—”
“It’s OK,” she said. “You’re right. We have important work to do, which is why I haven’t said anything before this. That and I knew I’d screw it up, which I clearly have. What I really want you to know is that I’m here for you. If you need to talk, or if—”
“Thank you,” I said, seizing the opportunity to get out of the conversation. “I mean it, thank you. I’ll keep in mind everything you said.” I rose, then tried to soften the abruptness of my exit. “Listen, I’m really tired…”
“Of course,” she said, rising also and walking me to the door. “I’m sorry for the poor delivery, I just see so much of myself in you. You know how fond of you I am, and it goes without saying how Taren feels about you...”
“Yeah,” I said, because apparently it did go without saying as far as Taren was concerned. He had to be done with the debrief soon, right? “I left a message for him to meet me here. Would you mind telling him to come to the dorm?”
“I will,” she said. “He’ll be just as anxious to see you.”
Our hug was awkward. I felt more vulnerable than I liked, and as much as I respected Gretchen and was lucky to have her in my corner, I wanted out of there. What she’d said hit too close to home. I knew I needed to find a way to block out the memories, but I also knew if the Elders found out how close I was to the edge, they probably wouldn’t let me leave the Sanctuary which meant no trip. I couldn’t risk it.
All the way back to the dorm I expected to see Taren coming up on the path ahead. I needed him not to be angry with me. Or if he was angry I needed him to get over it, because I needed him—and the safe feeling of being wrapped in his arms—now more than ever.
But he never materialized and I had to fight the urge to go back to the infirmary; I would only be turned away.
Upon entering the dormitory I made a quick left and hustled up the stairs. If I couldn’t have Taren then what I wanted was to be alone.
No such luck, because a moment after shutting the door to my room there was a knock on it. I ignored it until I heard Crystle’s voice.
“Ember, we know you’re in there. Open the door.”
I paused with my door on the handle, plastering a smile on my face.
“Hey guys,” I said, opening the door. “Couldn’t wait to hear about my birthday surprise?”
The four girls filed in, and when Madison had shut the door behind her, said, “Ember, we know.”
“Oh, right, you probably saw us leaving,” I said. “Well, it was great to finally get out—”
“Ember, stop,” Bridget said, her face, in fact all of their faces, etched with concern. “We know. We’re not supposed to, but we do.”
“About...?” I had to be sure we were talking about the same thing.
“About the car chase and the gun battle and the almost murder. Or kidnapping. Or whatever,” Crystle said.
“Oh,” I said, not accustomed to leaks within the Institute. “How?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Crystle said, while Madison mouthed, Colin. “The important thing is that you’re safe.”
“We’re so glad you’re OK,” Callie said, her eyes wet.
She threw her tiny arms around me hugged me as tightly as I’d ever been hugged. The other three followed suit and I became the center of a group embrace.
“How are you doing?” Crystle asked when we released each other. “Do you need anything?”
“No,” I said, “I’m fine. I mean, you know, relatively speaking.”
Was that what Gretchen wanted?
“We saw when Gretchen came back. We didn’t know anything then, but it was majorly weird—Guardians escorting her to Master Dogan’s, then back to her cabin. We knew something was up.”
“Then we saw you come back, and Taren was all beat up,” Callie said, the worry making her words come in a rush. “Is he OK? He looked...”
“He’s going to be fine,” I said, wanting to assure her. Callie was attached to Taren in a way that even I wasn’t: she saw him as her savior because he’d pulled her back from the brink of insanity. “At least, that’s what they tell me. I haven’t been allowed to see him.”
“Why not?” Bridget said.
“Some Institute thing about debriefing and not influencing each other’s versions of what happened. He’s got to be done soon—there’s only so many ways to tell a story.”
“Well, when you do see him, make sure you don’t fuss over his injuries. Michael would always pretend they didn’t exist and get annoyed if I didn’t do the same,” Crystle said. A wistful look crossed her face, quickly replaced by one of irritation. “Guys are dumb.”
“Agreed,” I said. “I think he’s angry that I didn’t run off and leave him.”
“As if,” Bridget said, rolling her eyes.
“Right? I said. “Like I’d be able to live with myself if I got him killed.”
“That,” Kat said opening the door, “isn’t a guy thing, it’s a Guardian thing. Guardians guard.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said, “and Keepers keep.”
I expected Kat to be her jovial self, quick to laugh and flash her brilliant smile, but instead she fixed me with an intense gaze. “That’s not a joke, and it’s not some arbitrary saying. We can train more Guardians, but we can’t make more Marked ones capable of keeping the Gateway closed, and we certainly can’t make more of you.”
“Kat,” I said, “you have to realize I could never—”
“No,” she said, shaking her head, “you have to realize. This is non-negotiable. If a Guardian tells you to run, you run. No questions asked.”
“OK, Kat. I get it,” I said, not wanting to fight. “Guardians guard.”
“Good,” she said, “and while you’re at it, if you all want to discuss stuff you have no business knowing, you might wanna keep it down. It’s an old building—not exactly sound proof.”
The five us exchanged abashed looks.
“Here,” Kat said, removing the bag that was slung over her shoulder and handing it to me. It still had tags on it. “Yours got pretty jacked up with the broken glass and um...well, some of Taren’s blood. But I fished out your phone and your wallet.”
I shuddered at the thought of anything other than Taren having some of his blood, but I took the new bag gratefully. “Thanks, Kat. I really appreciate it.”
“Now you can text Taren and ask him when he’s coming,” Callie said, as anxious to see for herself that he was fine as I was.
“He didn’t come by?” Kat said.
“Not yet, he’s still being debriefed.”
An odd look crossed Kat’s face quickly to be replaced by her trademark grin. I wasn’t buying it.
“What do you know, Kat?”
“Huh? What do you mean?” If I hadn’t known her so well, I might have bought it.
“Kat, please,” I said. “What’s going on?”
“Well, to be honest, I don’t know. Taren’s debrief ended almost an hour ago. I just assumed...”
“Oh,” I said, a sinking feeling in my stomach.<
br />
“He probably just went to see his mom,” Madison said. “I mean, come on, Em, he loves you, but it is his mom.”
“Right, of course, I figured he’d do that. Gretchen was feeling...chatty tonight. He’s probably having a hard time breaking away,” I said, trying to convince myself he wasn’t blowing me off because I hadn’t run when he’d told me.
“Well, there you go. He’ll be here any minute,” Bridget said. “Do you want us to clear out?”
“Um, yeah, I guess if you don’t mind,” I said. “I could use a few minutes to just chill out.”
No one seemed offended, for which I was glad. And having them know the details of what happened, even if they weren’t supposed to, was a comfort—though Kat and I both reminded them not to breathe a word of it.
Once alone, I pulled out my phone and texted Taren: Kat says you’re free. Are you with your parents?
It was a long few minutes before I got his answer text: Yeah, I think I’m just gonna stay here tonight-not go home.
He meant home to his parents’ house in the Hollywood Hills. He must be really worried about his mom to stay in the small cottage the Institute had provided when she started hearing the Root Demon—he’d have to sleep on the sofa which wasn’t long enough to fit him.
I marshaled my courage and asked: Are u coming by or should I head back over there?
This time the answer was immediate: I’m really beat. Can I c u tmrw?
I stared at the screen, disbelieving. Beat? He was too beat to see me, his girlfriend, who almost died? It was all I could do not to hurl the phone at the wall. Instead, I turned over on my side and curled into the fetal position, refusing to cry.
Crystle is so right, I thought. Guys are dumb.
7
Morning came and I immediately checked my phone, but Taren hadn’t left a voicemail or text.
Light streamed through the window, letting me know I’d missed morning meditation. I didn’t panic; I’d been excused by Master Dogan the day before when he’d finished my debriefing. In my hurt and exhaustion I hadn’t bothered to shower before falling asleep, and judging from the stench of sweat, that needed to be remedied immediately. I grabbed my shower caddy and shuffled down the hall.
The Gateway Trilogy: Complete Series: (Books 1-3) Page 24