After packing Ty’s backpack, we jump on his bike and head out of the city. Considering we packed some simple turkey sandwiches, a bag of chips, along with a couple bottles of water, I’m pretty sure we are having a picnic.
The secluded lake is tranquil on this relaxing, sunny Sunday. We spread out the blanket and I complain that I got Ty’s not-so-well-put-together sandwich and he got mine. My tummy is happy to be full, and I’m content lounging in the shade while Ty and I laugh and poke fun at one another. Who knew that my car breaking down would lead to a day of no work and a picnic with Ty?
I do what I enjoy so much and lie under the shade tree, and once again I get to lounge with this perfectly beautiful man next to me. It feels like yesterday that I went out with him on that Sunday to do an engagement shoot. “You never answered my question earlier.” His voice startles me, and he continues to let his fingers play with the buttons on my shirt. The indirect touches to my skin are barely there, yet my nipples perk knowing he’s near.
“What question?” I open my eyes, and gaze up at his face. He’s looking directly into my eyes. His face is so soft and gentle. I feel my cheeks heat, and warmth fill my body that has nothing to do with sex. I feel like he’s looking into the depths of my soul, looking right through me, looking into me. Ty has dropped the mask, and I get to see the real him. The side I knew was there. The side that has feelings, and a heart, that just maybe, has a soft spot for me. I can’t help but reach to skim my fingers over his eyebrow, and down his cheek. It’s a quick and quiet moment, but it most definitely was a moment.
He continues to stare into my eyes and replies, “When I got out of the shower, I could feel your eyes on me. You said you were enjoying the show. Then I asked you if you had a favorite part. You never answered me.”
The smile I get is involuntary as I think of his naked physique. “Why do you ask? And as of right now, I don’t have one yet.”
“Maybe because you look all sexy relaxed, and I’m thinking about having you again. Would you like me to ask you for the third time?”
“No, I heard you the first and second time. To be honest, that was the first time you let me see all of you. Sadly, I don’t think I can answer because you don’t let me touch all of them.”
He scrunches his forehead. “You’ve seen all I have to offer, Stella. And, may I add, several times. If I’m not mistaken, you have touched me damn near everywhere.” I hold my breath. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I want to be more like Ty and just be able to open my mouth and speak without thinking, but it’s so damn hard for me. “I thought you’d gotten a little better at this, but obviously, not as good as I thought.” I look away to avoid the way he is studying my expression. “It’s obvious the gears are turning, and you’re thinking. Your eyes are avoiding mine. Just say it, Stella. Tell me what you’re talking about when you say you haven’t touched all of me.”
I turn to my side and tuck my arm under my head. He mimics my position while I lay silently. We are eye to eye. “Okay, but I really don’t think you want to hear my shit, Ty.”
“You’ve said that before, and it wasn’t true then, nor is it true now. Hit me with it.”
Lying quietly and finding the courage, my mouth starts to move, and thank goodness, my voice comes out with it. “I don’t really get to explore you. Every time we’ve been together, we’ve had some sort of clothes on. I get that it’s a line you don’t want to cross, but I’m not sure why. I mean you are pushing your most private parts into my most private parts. So I don’t get why our skin touching is such a big deal. If my body doesn’t do it for you… then why have sex with me?” I don’t stop. I pick a place on his face, and lock my stare. I can’t look into his eyes. I breathe out, “Kissing is a no-no. You’ve made that very clear, but we are having sex, so why not kiss my lips? I’ve assumed it’s because you are fucking me, casually, like you say. But it’s a real ego killer, Ty, that you don’t want to see me fully naked, have our skin touch, or put your lips on mine. Yet, you will thrust yourself into me and you seem to care, and make sure that I…um…get mine, you know?”
His look goes from shock to realization that he opened this can of worms, then finally to acceptance. “Do you have limits, Stella? I know you haven’t been with that many guys, but you have to have some sort of limits?”
My eyes dart down and I pick another spot on his shirt to stare at. “I’ve been with plenty of guys, Ty. It’s definitely nothing that I’m proud to lie here and tell you, but unfortunately, it’s the truth.”
He pulls up to rest on his elbow and looks like I just kicked him in the shins. “I thought that you hadn’t been with a man in forever.”
“That’s true. It had been one year and four months, but…I wasn’t always so tame. That span was by choice.” He doesn’t push. I tuck up close and now I am half on my side half on my back and flush against his chest. Fuck it…this is me. He can like it or not. “I had a boyfriend in high school who I loved.” I giggle and air quote the last part. “I was a sophomore and he was a senior. He was my first. We dated for a while and I finally gave it up to him. I was so sure he cared. About six months after we started having sex, I felt him pull away. So one night after our football game, I told him I was going to The Martin’s to stay the night, and watch movies. But really, Zoey and I went to the same party as him. I walked in and could just feel the tension. I knew. My suspicions were confirmed when I found him in the down stairs game room all over a girl that I cheered with on my varsity squad. It broke my heart. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to keep anyone, even though I gave myself to him. I don’t have to explain abandonment issues. You know, I wasn’t enough for my mom to love so I was sure that giving my boyfriend all I had was enough. That wasn’t true. So I…rebelled.” His face is somber and he brushes his fingertips over my forehead. I continue, “I went a bit crazy and explored my sexuality. I learned very quickly that my developed body had an effect on men. It made me feel powerful and sexy. So I used sex as a way to…I don’t know…feel wanted? Feel special? More than anything, it made me feel in control of my life when I spent so much of it feeling out of control, powerless and lonely. I know that’s stupid.” I take a deep breath after my confessions.
Ty grips my chin in his fingers, face full of compassion. “It’s not at all stupid! What happened after that?”
“When we went to college, I slowed down. It felt empty every time I was with someone. It felt good to be able to land a guy so easily, yet not so good when it was over, and he was no longer interested. So I concentrated on school and partied a bit less, but I was struggling. Financially, it was hard to maintain school and work a full time job. I got that same feeling of lack of control. I started to feel alone, and lonely and went a little crazy. So the cycle began again. I told you before that I just got tired of the bullshit. ‘You’re hot…You’re beautiful…that was great.’ All that shit is said in the heat of the moment. It means crap, you know? So, here we are.” I reach up and skim my thumb on his jaw. His eyes are filled with understanding and compassion. I know he knows how it feels to have a missing parent while growing up. Hell, he had two of them. “I didn’t want to be with anyone until I saw you. Now, here we are having an awkward conversation, and me vomiting my crazy life and feelings at you. I don’t know why, but I do this to you way too much. You should feel special though. Zoey is the only one that gets to hear all my shit that no one cares about.”
“I care, Stella. And I asked, didn’t I? So what, you thought sex was going to equal love?”
“When I was younger I did. Then, like I said, it was about control. Of course, now I know sex does not equal love. If I could go back, I would change a lot of my irresponsible decisions. This is not a story I want to have to tell my husband one day. ‘Hey, husband, when I was young, I was a slut’.”
“Shut up, that’s not true. You were young and confused.” He removes his eyes from mine and looks over me, seeming to be staring at nothing. “Sex with someone you love can be fu
lfilling, but you’re right, sex definitely does not equal love. And Stella, to set you straight, there are a lot of women who have had many partners. In this day and age, you are most likely not going to find a virgin wife. It was all done in your extreme youth and I can relate on the filling a void thing. So, tell your husband that I said he’s an asshole if he wants to judge you.”
I giggle with the vision of telling my non-existent husband that Ty thinks he’s an asshole. “Thanks, I just have a lot of regret in that department. You loved Lacey? Is she the one you loved and the sex was fulfilling?” Bold Stella here and questioning.
“I thought I loved her, but you didn’t answer my question. Do you have any limits?”
I smile because I didn’t answer him on purpose, and he really didn’t answer me. This crap is hard to talk about. “I rarely do oral sex. It’s very intimate and personal.” The blush on my face is ridiculous. “Your face and mouth are on the person’s most secret parts, and if you don’t know them, well, it’s kinda gross,” He falls back laughing. We’ve now changed position because I’m leaning up on my elbow and he’s still laughing on his back. I try to hide my smirk, but fail. “Um, are you done?”
“I think so.” But he’s not. Finally, he can breathe. “It’s just…you said you went a bit crazy in high school and again when you hit your twenties, but you just acted like oral sex was the most horrible thing you have ever heard of.”
I smack his chest because he’s still laughing at me. “Stop laughing! It’s just, if you don’t know the person, then how do you know they are, like, clean? Like, shower clean and not nastified. Not to mention, the other clean. I just don’t want to do that to some random man or let him do that to me either.”
The laughter stops and his face softens. “Good, I don’t want any random guy to do that to you either.” He grabs my hand and brushes my knuckles with his thumb. “This sex talk has me wanting to get on my bike and take you back to my place. We could shower really well, get all clean, and I can use my tongue on you since you are not some random chick. I don’t expect you to reciprocate, but I want to explore you now that I know your limits.” His shit-eating grin returns. “I seem to like to push you for what I want.”
My groin starts to throb. I can imagine that if he does to my girly parts what he does to my breast, there won’t be much reintroducing. I just won’t last long. Then it hits me and I blurt it out. “So, you will use your mouth on my girly parts but not…not on my lips?” I quietly say, “Why?”
He looks like he knows he should have just let this entire subject lie. Instead, he adjusts his face and matter of fact says, “You’re right. That’s a line I don’t cross. That is very intimate. Just like oral sex is for you…that’s what kissing and being fully naked is for me. It takes sex to another level, a more personal level. Using your word again, it makes it intimate. Every girl has been a fling, a one night stand, casual or whatever you want to call it. Kissing is reserved for lovers, not one night stands or fuck buddies.” Ouch. Shit, that hurt.
“I understand.” I roll on my back because I don’t want to see his hard face. Just being declared a fuck buddy was not what I wanted out of this conversation. Honestly, I don’t know why in these situations that I’m surprised. I have to admit to myself often that Ty is not a jerk or asshole. He’s been more than upfront with me on his position of relationships. My thick head won’t allow the information to penetrate through.
“I think that was the most dick thing I’ve ever said. I’m sorry, Stella.” The change in position happens again. He’s looking down at me, and I’m looking up at him. Ty’s big hand holds my jaw and turns my face to look at him. His voice is soft. “I’ve broken almost every rule with you, Stella. This has gone on longer with you than any other woman I’ve been with, minus Lacey. I’ve been with you in my bed. You’ve stayed the night a couple times. Honestly, I don’t go down on women much myself. It’s personal, I agree with you whole heartedly. I don’t want my mouth on some unclean woman I don’t know. But, Stella, I’m dying to get my mouth on you and your girly parts.” He smiles and so do I that he used my word. “But I can’t break every rule. If I keep bending with you, then we push this over to a new level. And I’m not willing to go there ever again. Tell me you understand?”
“I do. You’ve been very honest.” I lighten things up with, “But you have to understand how jealous I get that you are basically making out with my boobs and not my lips at times.”
His one eyebrow shoots up. “Oh…so you don’t like my licking and sucking at your breast, huh? Well, I can take that out of our sex life if you want.” His cocky grin is wide because he knows damn well that’s not what I want.
“You better not, Ty. My girls thoroughly enjoy your magic tongue and sweet mouth on them.”
“Well, let’s get back to my place so I can give them the attention that they deserve.”
WE PULL INTO TY’S FLAT and park the bike. I hesitate un-wrapping my arms around him, but my body is aching with need. The excitement of having him again has all the butterflies up and moving in my belly. He helps me off the bike and I tilt my head for him to pull off my helmet. I don’t even have to look to know my hair is crazy. I giggle as I run my fingers through my unruly locks. Ty helps me by fixing one of the wild strands. “Come on, I have no patience to wait any longer. I want you now, Stella. Let’s go.” He shoots up his eyebrow under seductive eyes and grabs my hand. I’m pulled into the stairwell and I can’t help but laugh at his eager look back at me to make sure I’m following.
I’m right on his heel and say, “What? Was the elevator gonna take too long, boss?”
“Don’t call me boss, Stella, when I’m about to fuck you until you can’t walk.” We exit into the hallway and he fiddles with the key to the front door. He looks me square in the eye and growls, “I prefer you call me Ty or Master, Sir, Oh Mighty One…” He continues to ramble on as he grabs my hand and pushes the door open to the flat.
“I think Master is my favorite,” I say sarcastically. He drops my hand and I run into the back of him as he comes to a dead stop.
Jaxon’s voice is not as light and friendly as usual. “I just tried to text you, man. Me and the girls met, parked in the garage, and walked over.” I take .05 seconds to school my face and come around to face Jaxon, Caroline, and the girl that Jaxon has been sleeping with.
Caroline approaches Ty, pushes up to her tiptoes and is now flush with the front of him. “Do not tell me you forgot, Ty. We just made these plans less than a week ago.” In a not so quiet voice she says, “Especially after what I promised to do to you after.” My stomach drops. I will NOT allow myself a visual of what I think she is talking about.
Jaxon pipes in, “No, he couldn’t forget we made plans with you two lovely ladies. Wine and the Park only comes around one time a year. Ty would never miss it.” I can hear it in Jaxon’s voice that he is reminding Ty where they are going.
I step away from Caroline and Ty’s close proximity. She inserts herself under his arm, wraps herself around his waist, and looks my way. I cringe, as I watch her hand slip under his t-shirt and slide across his stomach. Caroline’s eyes fix on Ty’s face. My eyes are fixed on the movement. Ty’s eyes are fixed on me. Thank God for Jaxon. “Stella, I don’t think I’ve actually introduced you and Joanna.” I peel my eyes off what is making me feel like I’m going to vomit. Making a conscious effort, I move my feet toward Joanna and shake her hand. She actually has a sweet face, unlike Caroline, who likes shooting me ‘go fuck yourself’ looks.
Ty looks uncomfortable with our little situation as he moves away from Caroline and takes over introductions. “Um, I don’t think they’ve met. Joanna this is Stella, she’s…um…my assistant. Stella this is Joanna, she’s with Jax.” I hate that. I hate that, I’m his assistant. Yeah, Joanna, I’m the assistant that he fucks. I’m the assistant that a couple minutes ago, he had plans to fuck until I couldn’t walk.
Jaxon asks her, “You’ve met Zoey, Pierce’s girlfriend? Stella
and Zoey are best friends. That’s how we met Stella. We are all friends, together all the time, and yes, she is Ty’s assistant as well.”
I place a slight smile on my face. Thank you, Jaxon. I’m not even fucking you and you are on the same page as me. We are in fact friends and I’m not just Ty’s assistant. Looking directly at them helps me keep my eyes from glowering at Ty as he walks past me. “It’s nice to meet you, Joanna. I know we’ve seen one another before but it’s nice finally to be introduced.” It takes everything I have to get that to come out in a smooth voice.
“Let’s go, sexy boy!” Caroline squeals at Ty as she follows him into the kitchen, then to the living room.
He stops, and halts her from progressing into the apartment any further. “Um, let me change my shirt real quick. Sorry we were late. Stella had car problems.” My heart sinks. I don’t know why this hurts so badly, but it fucking does. I need out of here. It’s crazy how he forgot to mention we had a quiet day alone that felt very much like we were on an day-long date. I turn on my heels, careful to turn opposite Ty.
I grab my purse and keep my eyes from looking up by fumbling around for my keys. To no one in particular I say, “You guys have a great time tonight. It sounds like it’s going to be fun.”
“Tons of food and wine on the downtown streets of Orlando in the evening; what more can you ask for?” Joanna asks, I think to fill the silent space.
I just can’t look up. I want to block out that my guy is going out with another girl. The guy who I just had the most amazing day with. The guy who looked at me today with affection in his eyes. I know what I saw and felt. I did not imagine it. This is becoming more than just sex. And here we stand, me walking out so he can go out with someone else. I meet Caroline’s eyes, and can’t help but think she is not one you would introduce to Linda. Maybe for one second that makes me feel better. I open the door and say quietly, “Bye.” Then I exit the flat.
Captured Secret (The Captured Series) Page 19