“She was so tiny!”
I swallowed my emotions and did my best to be there for him. The general rule of thumb was that only one person could freak out at a time. Any more than that, and there wasn’t anyone to add reason to the chaos. “I know, sweetheart. I know.” I ran my hand through his hair and down the side of his face. My fingers caught on his earlobe that felt hot, puffy and abnormal. I looked down and observed that his ear was red and slightly swollen, and wondered how that had happened. “Did you bang your ear on something, hun?” I asked curiously.
Von’s response was only more brokenness, so I held him through it, being there when it was most tempting to check out.
It took ten minutes to get Von under control, which meant he went back to staring out the window. I wasn’t sure he understood that I was still leaving, so I left him a note telling him where I’d be, and that I’d be home that evening.
The air outside of our bedroom felt like the first breath that ever was. The cigar stench had made me slightly lightheaded, so being without it made me feel like I was flying. I leaned against the door and let myself just breathe for a solid minute, permitting myself to be a person instead of a grieving almost-mother.
I was quiet as I toed the carpet down the stairs, surprising everyone at the breakfast table, who stood to greet me when I entered the dining room. Ezra’s hugs were the hardest to get through, because I knew he meant them. He held on tight, and I could barely breathe as it was. My body felt strange now, going from my giant belly making hugs awkward to now having no space to fend off the affection at all. It wasn’t a bad thing, but an adjustment. Graham, ever the gentleman, held out my chair for me to sit between him and Alton.
There had been lively conversation before, but it came to a halt as they all puzzled through how to tiptoe around my palpable grief. “Anyone want to give me a lift home? Or can I borrow one of your cars, Ezra?”
Ezra’s mouth drew to the side as he considered my request. “What’s mine is yours, of course. But your home hasn’t been cleaned yet. That’s where Ollie is right now, in fact. He said you wouldn’t want to see it how it is.”
I didn’t want to dig in my heels already, but this was important to me. “It’s my house, so I should help clean it. I want to go there, and then visit Allie for lunch. Is that alright?”
“Of course, darling. I insist you take Alton or Graham with you, but yes. I’ll call Oliver and let him know you’re on your way.”
“Where’s Mason?”
“Still in Sombi, I assume. I called him back, but he hasn’t responded. I’ll send someone to fetch him if another week goes by and he hasn’t returned. He’s a hard worker, that one. Difficult to pull him away.”
I let the silence fall over the table, and wanted to kick myself for putting a stop to all conversation simply by showing up. “So, what’d I miss?”
Ezra answered, since everyone else was incapable of taking their eyes from their scrambled eggs and bacon. “Boston is staying with Danny and Mariang at the hotel. They send their love, of course. Ms. Vandershot sent flowers for you, along with her love. Alton and Graham have been making themselves useful around the grounds.”
“That’s nice. When Mason comes Topside, can I go back to work?”
Ezra’s fork stilled before it reached his mouth. “Eventually, yes. There’s no need to rush back in, though. We’re well ahead of the quota, and Mariang is still reaping.”
I chewed my eggs in thought. “Give me like, two days, and I’ll be good to go. Can you get Mason back here by then? Von’s not really up for work yet.”
Ezra sighed and rubbed his forehead. “I was thinking more like two weeks.”
“I can’t lie around and be sad anymore, Dad. I have to move around. I have to do something other than think about all the awful.”
“Whatever you like, but please do rest. Mariang is quite healthy, and the daily quota is low enough for her to keep up with for another month.”
“Her maternity leave should start soon. She should rest.” I gulped the mouthful of food that felt like sand in my mouth. “Maybe she and Danny might want to take a vacation. Be together without all the drama before the b-baby comes.” My voice faltered on the B-word, but I steadied myself, chanting the mantra that I could grieve as long as I wanted to in my dreams. “Um, Von’s not feeling up to getting out today, so if you guys could check on him every now and then, I’d appreciate it. I told him I’d be back for dinner, but he’s kind of out of it.”
“Of course.” Ezra, Graham and Alton nodded, silently taking shifts to ensure Von didn’t fall off the map completely.
Nineteen.
I Get by with a Little Help from my Friends
Graham sat next to me in the car, his hand migrating to my elbow as I drove. “It’s okay, Graham. I don’t need you to pull for me today.”
Graham’s hand froze between us before cradling my elbow again. “I know you don’t think you need pulling unless it’s work-related, but this is the most I’ve been able to be useful in days for you. Let me take away a little of the heartache. How are you feeling?”
“Fine.”
Graham shot me a withering look. “October, come on. It’s me. Aren’t we past being strangers? You’re my sister.”
I sighed. “I feel like I got hit with a pillowcase filled with bricks. Every day it’s a little less, like one fewer brick in the pillowcase, which doesn’t really seem anything to be all that cheery about, but I’m trying. I think I’m down to like, three bricks now. Should be pain-free in another handful of days.”
“There. Now was that so hard?”
“Yes.” I gulped, keeping my eyes on the road. “Everything’s hard. I feel bad leaving Von with only Alton and Ezra.”
“Von’s made of tough stuff. He just has to remember that. I think he’s lost a little of himself lately.”
I didn’t need to voice my agreement; Von’s checked-out status was palpable.
I glanced to the tail of our dead-end street, seeing a smattering of familiar cars lining the road in front of my house. I swore, wishing I’d thought to make sure Ollie locked up so our friends didn’t try to throw a party in the middle of the bloodbath.
When we pulled into my driveway, I stopped short of parking in the garage, not sure if that’s where the Manas bodies were still being stored. I cut the engine, wondering how I was going to explain away the damage to my no doubt shocked friends. I blinked as I stared at the cars. “It’s ten in the morning,” I stated, confused.
“It is, indeed. Something wrong?”
“My friends. They like to show up at random and throw parties at our house. But that’s always in the evening. I don’t get what they’re doing here.”
Graham gripped the hilt of his knife on his belt, readying to attack. “There’s Ollie’s car, yeah? He must’ve let them in. Stay behind me, though, just in case.”
I walked a few paces behind Graham, hesitating when we got to the front porch and heard friendly commotion coming from inside. He put his knife back in its sheath on his belt and popped his elbow out to me, like the weapon-wielding gentleman he was. Graham fingered the doorknob and let us in, assessing the mood to be congenial, and not a threat.
My friends were frozen with mouths dropped open, caught in the scandalous act of... cleaning?
I clung to Graham with both hands, staring around the house like I’d never seen it before. The lamp was gone, my end table was toppled over and missing a leg, there were scuffs and streaks of blood on the walls, violent holes in the drywall and too many stains on the carpet. “I... My home!” I whispered, my heart breaking all over again at everything we’d worked for, that was now trashed so thoroughly.
“Now, now. Not to worry, love. See? They’ll put it all right again.” Graham motioned to a few of my friends, who were still frozen mid-scrub as they gaped at me. Graham lifted his chin at Jordan, who was nearest. “Mate, could you tell Ollie his sister’s here?”
“Bait?” Jordan called my nickname as if
it was something of reverence, not a group joke. “Everyone, Bait’s here!”
Ollie flew out of my bedroom, wearing his beat-up housework jeans and an undershirt. “Hey, kid. Whatcha doing out of bed?”
“I... I... Um, I was going to come clean up. What’s everyone doing here?”
Ollie took my other arm and helped Graham lower me to the couch. My whole body was still pretty sore from the whole giving birth thing. The couch had several murderous slashes through it that spilled out the fluffy innards on the other end from where I sat. Ollie patted my hand carefully. “They’re helping set the house right after the attack from the break-in.”
“The attack from the break-in?” I echoed, unsure of the story we were selling.
Ollie nodded. “The idiots who broke in, hurt you so bad you lost the baby, and tore up our home. I made a few calls, and they all showed up to help. Took time off work, brought over their tools, and pooled their resources.” Ollie met my eyes with a kind smile that told me how very worried he’d been. “I didn’t want you to see the place like this. No matter what, I want you to stay out of your bedroom. If you need something, Graham can get it for you.”
My lower lip quivered as I took in the damage done to my safe place. Glancing down at my deflated stomach, I knew there wouldn’t be true healing for a long time. I bit my lip to keep the trembling at bay. “You... You really all did this for us? You showed up to help us?” I asked of my mute friends.
Jordan sat down next to me, his arm draped on the back of the couch. “Of course, kiddo. We trash your house often enough. Figured it was our turn to clean it for you.”
I couldn’t help the emotion that welled up in me, or tamper down the swelling that threatened to crack my ribs as my heart grew to the bursting point. My understood walls of social distance started to crumble, and I slumped in Jordan’s half-embrace, sinking into him as my tears fell onto his shirt. I don’t recall ever hugging Jordan of my own volition, though I’d known him for years. “Thank you,” I whispered, burying myself in his arms that scrambled to hold me awkwardly while I fell apart.
“Whoa. It’s okay, hun.” Jordan had tons of practice hugging the other girls, but was a novice when it came to holding me. He was a quick learner, and gripped me tight, rocking me slightly in that comforting big brother way I’d never let him be for me. He pressed his lips to my hair, clutching my head to his chest like a football. “We’ve got your back. We’ll have this place looking good as new in no time.”
I indulged in a few more seconds of public affection before righting myself with a rallying inhale. I wiped my embarrassing tears off my cheeks. “How can I help? Give me a job.”
Ollie said nothing of my public breakdown, but gave me a strange look, almost like he was proud of me for hugging someone I’d known for years. That was the beautiful thing about Ollie. He didn’t mention that I had no reason not to be doling out hugs this whole time to the people who were in my life. He was only ever proud of me, complimenting my forward steps, and pretending the backwards ones weren’t there at all.
Ollie smiled down at me. “Your job is to sit here and tell the others what needs to be done.” He moved around to stand behind the couch and leaned heavily on Jordan’s shoulder. “This one here’s your new butler. If you want something hung a certain way, you say, ‘Hey butler, a little to the left.’ If you’re thirsty, he’ll get you some water. We don’t have much else. Fridge is busted. Beto’s picking up the new one from the store now.”
“Our refrigerator’s broken?” I rubbed my temples. “What else?”
“Nothing you have to worry about. Pretend it’s a renovation, not an invasion. It was time for an upgrade anyway. You’ll have a whole new inside in just a couple days.” He squeezed my hand and stood up straight. “Nick and Darius are helping me with the drywall, so I’m going to get back to it.”
“Wait, Darius? Darius is here? He knows? Who told him?”
Darius strolled out of my bedroom, cracking his neck with a tired expression that told me he’d been there for hours, though it was still morning. “I was the first one here. Ollie called and told me you’d been attacked. I came first thing. Judge was here all night helping, too. Just left half an hour ago to see to his business. He sends his condolences.” The corner of his mouth twitched upwards. “He bought you a new appliance to replace one of them that got broken, but he said not to tell you which one, so you couldn’t return it.”
My hand rubbed my forehead to try and make sense of everything. “That’s really sweet of you both. Thank you. I... You really came for us?”
Darius’ shoulders lowered. He had a white smudge of drywall dust across his ebony forehead. “Of course I did. You’re my conscience.”
His sweet declaration tugged at my heart. “I always knew you were a good man.”
He watched me with a tender expression. “And I’ve always had your back. You just forgot how to lean on me.”
I looked up at Darius in wonder that after all the cat and mouse we’d played for power and respect, respect and love had won out. “I don’t know what to say to that. Thank you, Nefarious.”
Darius sniggered at how ridiculous I sounded when I used his street name. “Anytime, Bait.”
Ollie pointed his finger at Graham. “I’m serious. Make sure she doesn’t get off this couch.”
“Sure, give me the impossible job. Anyone want to trade?” Graham joked.
Jordan was sweaty and positively filthy, but I sunk into his embrace again when he tugged me to him with an affectionate grin. I marveled at how much I’d grown that I couldn’t feel the germs on my friend. “Hey, Bait. How’re you feeling after the...” He apparently couldn’t say the B-word, so he mimed a baby bump over his modest beer gut. Jordan wasn’t a particularly eloquent kind of sweetheart, but I was grateful for him all the same.
“I’m fine.”
He lowered his voice and leaned in so I could smell his musky armpits. “You should’ve told us. We would’ve visited you in the hospital. Did you at least get a good look at the guys who messed you up? Ollie didn’t say what happened to them.”
I swallowed hard. “It doesn’t matter. It’s done. They’re not coming back. My daughter’s dead, so that’s that.” The words hurt to say, but I forced them out so my brain could recognize the pain as truth and deal with it. “I can’t believe you’re really helping fix all this. I didn’t realize how broken it all got.”
Jordan squeezed me tighter, as if afraid I might bolt when it dawned on me that I was in his arms. “Don’t worry, Bait. You won’t always feel this broken.”
Twenty.
Katrina’s Grand Exit
Graham leaned on the arm of the couch, remaining by my side while everyone told me everything they’d been up to in the past twenty-four hours, amazing me to no end. “What can I do to help?” I repeated, but they waved off my insistence that I make myself useful somehow.
Graham placed his hand on my shoulder. “Maybe we should go. Let them do their thing.”
The front door opened before I could respond, revealing Gabby, Katrina and Rachel with baskets filled with my clothing, all folded in neat little piles. Gabby dropped the laundry basket on the floor and ran to me, scooping me up off the couch in a hug I reminded myself would be abnormal to resist. I would get good at hugging, so help me. Ezra would be so proud if he could see me now. “Oh, kid! We’ve been so worried about you! Jessica and I were blowing up your phone until the voice mailbox came back full. How are you? Sit down already! You’ve just been through the worst of the worst.”
I didn’t have it in me to explain that I’d only stood because she’d hefted me up for the hug. “I’m fine. I can’t believe you’re all here, cleaning my house. I don’t know what to do with the shock of that on its own. It’s so sweet of you guys. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around it. Really, you’re all wonderful for this.”
Gabby pulled me up and hugged me again. “We’ve been so worried! I mean, how awful, right? Did they catch the bast
ards who did this to you?” Before I could answer, she called into the bedroom, “Ollie! Could you bring me Bait’s hairbrush?”
Ollie worked out a strained, “I’m kinda in the middle of something, Gabby. It’s in the bathroom in the second drawer.”
“We’re going to give you a makeover,” Rachel gushed, taking the next hug. “You’ll feel so much better when you don’t look like death warmed over.”
I was overcome with several urges that I knew I couldn’t act on. I wanted to punch Rachel square across the face for telling me I looked like death when I’d just had death cuddled up in my arms. I wanted to run from the prospect of a makeover that I knew would involve instrumentation and a whole big show. I wanted to rage against the machine and rant that I didn’t owe being beautiful to my own house. It didn’t matter what I looked like; I was grieving.
The doctor had warned me about postpartum depression and mood swings and whatnot upon being discharged from the hospital. Maybe I should’ve paid better attention to him. I’d gone from weeping in public, to hugging Jordan, to chewing on my venomous rage at something that probably wasn’t actually all that offensive. Gabby loved me, so I smiled up at her as best I could and simmered my tart response down to a quiet, “Sure. That’s real nice of you guys. Thanks.”
Graham sat on the arm of the couch next to me and scooped up my hand, pulling hard to keep me from laying out my girlfriends in one misguided blow. “Now, now. My sister’s lovely even without her hair fashioned.”
I leaned my head to his hip, sighing as I deflated. Despite my aversion to pulling when we weren’t reaping, I was grateful for Graham. “Thank you. I needed that.”
“I know, darling. Take it one moment at a time.” Graham squeezed my hand twice.
“I’m glad you’re here. You’re a good big brother.”
“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”
Katrina saddled up beside Gabby, sizing up the new British meat. “And who are you?”
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