by Luna Hunter
“Wait, what’s wrong?” Mary asks.
I tell her about our argument, and the doubts that have creeped on me. When I’m done, I expect her to agree with me, but instead, she frowns at me.
“Is that it?”
“Well… yes.”
“Classic Alexa,” she sighs. “You’re self-sabotaging again. You finally found something good, so now you’re overanalyzing everything to try and find faults, picking at the seams, trying to unravel it all so you can go back to your comfort zone, which is sitting at home alone, binge-watching tv and eating takeout.”
“Ouch,” I say.
“Sorry girl, you know I drop truth bombs. And this is one of them.”
“But he lied to me!”
“He’s a soldier! He has to look out for his crew! And were you not sent by the military to spy on him?”
“Well—”
“You were and you know it. Don’t blame him for treating you like what you are: a foreign spy. What matters is how he acts now. Forget about the past.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. Take a chance for once, Alexa. They don’t come by that often. Lord knows I never had an alien with a footlong dick court me.”
“It’s not that long,” I laugh.
“Long enough to give me the heebie-jeebies. And make me all sorts of jealous.”
“I hear you loud and clear.”
The less time we spend talking about my mate’s wonderful package, the better. Even the thought of Mary lusting after Romulus makes my stomach flutter with jealous rage.
Mine! Back off!
“Now go make up, you silly goose. And when you’ve done so, call me back and give me all the dirty details.”
“Never!”
“I’ll pry them out of you yet!” she says. “Just you wait and see.”
I thank Mary for the time she’s taken, and apologize for haven waken her up. After she’s assured me several times over that it’s more than okay, we finally hang up.
I take a deep breath, my palms already sweaty at the thought of having to face Romulus. I have no idea what kind of mood he’ll be in.
Only one way to find out…
Chapter Twelve
Romulus
I follow Alexa’s scent, but the trail goes cold in the mess hall. She made that foul human meal again, the one which’s stench messes with my sensitive nose.
Unease grips my heart.
If this what having a fatum feels like, I’d rather be without one. Ever since Alexa left my sight, I’ve felt troubled.
Pained.
I can’t focus on anything else. I’ve tried to push the thoughts way, to pull my walls back up, but it’s useless. Now that I’ve let the human into my heart, she’s there to stay.
I head towards the helm and set a course for Earth. I wait in my chair, counting down the seconds until I can talk to Nero and ask him for advice…
Fuck. I can’t wait that long. This feeling in my gut; I don’t want it there a moment longer.
I call Nero, even though I promised I would only contact him in case of an emergency. In many ways it is, just not the type of emergency he expected.
He answers his com within seconds.
“Romulus!” he says. “Whats going on? Is Magnus Bruttius back?!”
He’s naked and covered in sweat, his hair disheveled.
“Calm down,” I say. “Magnus is not coming.”
“I thought there was an emergency?”
“There is,” I say. “But it’s more of a… personal one.”
“What? Hold on a moment.”
Nero returns a moment longer, a towel hanging around his shoulders.
“I hope I’m not interrupting something,” I say.
“Nothing I won’t be able to make up. Now, tell me what’s bothering you.”
I give him a barebones version of what’s happened. As soon as I mention Alexa, Nero interrupts me.
“Hold on a second. You’re telling me you’re having feelings? For a human?”
“Of course not,” I bristle instantly. “Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t care for Alexa at all. It’s…”
What am I doing?
Why am I lying to my best friend? Am I not calling him to ask him for advice? Why is it so damn hard for me to admit the truth for once?
“Okay, maybe I am catching feelings for a human,” I say. “So what?”
“Nothing,” Nero says with a smug smile. “Nothing at all, Rom. I’m happy for you, honestly. I have found true happiness with Victoria, and if any man deserves to find his one true mate, it’s you.”
“Well, I’m not feeling all that happy right now.”
“Oh? What’s wrong?”
“Alexa stormed off, actually.”
“Why? Did you have one your moods again?”
“Me? Moods?!”
“You don’t change, do you Rom? I feel sorry for your human mate already,” he laughs.
“I’ll give you something to feel sorry for!” I growl.
“Tell me what happened,” Nero says when he’s done making fun of me. “Let’s see if I can help.”
I try to explain him my point of view, but as I put it all into words, it makes less sense than it did in my head.
“Is this normal behavior for humans?” I ask.
Nero shrugs. “Want me to ask Victoria for advice?”
“Please don—Hi, Victoria.”
My friend scoots to the side, Victoria now taking up most of the screen. She’s wearing loosely fitted pajamas, her hair up in a bun.
“Hi Romulus!” she waves. “How are you? Bored up there already? You ought to come down and have dinner with us!”
Nero interrupts her and quickly brings her up-to-date on my woes.
“Hey! Wait!” I protest. “That’s private! Come on, are you two deaf? Hello?”
“What?” Victoria says, her eyes widening. “You? With a human? Wow! Congratulations!”
“Yes, yes, thank you,” I mumble.
Why is it so hard for me to accept their compliments? Why can’t I just be glad that my two friends are happy for me?
Because you don’t think you deserve it.
Who are you, really?
You play second fiddle to Nero. He’s always been better than you. Of course he has the perfect relationship. Of course he’s happy, while you only manage to push your fatum away, only hurt her, only resent her for trying to love you.
Nero’s right. He should feel sorry for your mate. He should feel sorry for anyone who tries to care about you.
“Rom? Are you okay?” Victoria asks. “Did you hear my question?”
“What? No, sorry,” I say. “I was distracted.”
I shake my head and push those negative thoughts away.
“I said you ought to apologize to her.”
“Apologize? Even when I did nothing wrong?”
“Especially when you did nothing wrong,” she laughs. “You shouldn’t be so stubborn. I don’t think there’s anything wrong, you just both sound like you’re as stubborn as mules. Which makes you perfect for each other… perhaps a bit too perfect. Put your Elban pride aside for a moment and acknowledge that her feelings are hurt, and that you’re sorry about that. How hard can that be?”
Apologize?
I’d rather lead a charge on House Bruttius armed with nothing but my fists.
“Yes,” I lie. “Of course I can do that.”
A flickering light in the corner of my screen grabs my attention.
A shuttle has just left the Classis.
Alexa
How can he say that?!
How dare he?!
Nothing.
That’s what I mean to him.
Nothing.
I heard him say it with my own two ears. Mary had talked some sense into me, and I was looking for Romulus when I turned the corner and heard those fateful words leave his own lips.
Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t care for Alexa at all.
He
bristled at the mere thought of me!
At least I realize what kind of a dick he is now, before I gave him my heart… oh, who am I kidding? He already had my heart. He had it, and he trampled all over it. He broke it apart and grounded it into dust.
Just like Tom had done. It’s all the same in the end. Every time I think I’m close to someone, when I think can trust them, they crush me.
No more.
For real this time.
I’m done.
From now on I’m a hermit.
I rest my head against the shuttle wall and watch Earth grow bigger and bigger by the second, while tears stream down my face.
These are the last tears I’ll ever cry over a man.
Romulus
My nose is pressed against the cold glass. The shuttle in the distance grows smaller by the second, heading towards Earth.
It’s got to be Alexa in there, there’s no other possibility, but why?
I hail the shuttle. No response. I try again. No response. And again.
No response.
I tell the computer to scan the Classis for lifeforms, while I pull up the video-logs.
“No human life-signs detected onboard,” the ship informs me.
Fuck fuck fuck. My heart is racing, my palms sweaty as I sift through the video footage. Why did she suddenly take off?
According to the logs, first she was in the com-room, communicating with Earth. Then she left, and headed towards where I was speaking with Nero… only to turn around and break into a run. I still don’t get it.
“Computer, play this clip with sound.”
Nero’s familiar voice booms out of the speakers: “Hold on a second. You’re telling me you’re having feelings? For a human?”
I respond instantly: “Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t care for Alexa at all.”
Fuck.
I sink into my seat, a cold panic gripping my heart. I didn’t mean that. I corrected myself right after. She heard that, right? She must have. I check the logs again and again, and the answer is always the same.
She didn’t hear that.
As far as Alexa knows, I’m a coldhearted, manipulative brute.
Perhaps that’s just what I really am, deep down inside.
You always do this. You always fuck up. You disappoint everyone you care about. It’s better this way.
I punch the screen.
I punch that fucking screen until it’s smattered into tiny bits, until the glass cuts into my hand, until my knuckles bleed all over the damn console, and I scream her name until my throat is sore and raw.
Chapter Thirteen
Alexa
“Tell me everything.”
Dr. Bellamy sits behind his desk, hands folded. I used to be scared to death of this man, but now, I have no strong feelings one way or another.
These last few days have been a blur. The army debriefed me, and I answered all of their questions. Now, I just want everyone to leave me alone, but my supervisor is not done with me yet.
“I already told the army everything,” I answer.
“So I’ve heard. I want to hear things from your perspective.”
“Fine,” I sigh.
The sooner I’m done here, the sooner I can go home. It’s weird: home doesn’t feel like home anymore. And work doesn’t feel like work anymore.
All the things I looked forward in the past just all seem so… meaningless now.
I answer all of Dr. Bellamy’s nosy questions.
“Are we done here?”
“One more thing,” he says as he pulls out a needle. “I just want to do a quick blood-test. You’ve been in space for quite a while, you know.”
“Fine,” I say as I roll up my sleeve. The army already put me through the ringer — what’s one more blood test?
Before I can slip out the door, Mary stops me. She throws her arms around me enthusiastically, screaming my name.
“Alexa! You’re back! You didn’t think you were going to leave without saying hi, did you?”
“Well…”
“We have to get coffee! Now!”
“I’m kinda busy,” I protest.
“Busy? With what?”
“More tests,” I lie. “You know how the army is.”
“You don’t have five minutes for your best friend?” she pouts.
I feel empty, listless, defeated. I don’t even have the energy to lie to Mary.
“Five minutes should be okay.”
“Yes!”
Mary grabs my arm and leads me towards the cafeteria, while she chatters away about all the good gossip I missed while I was away.
I nod at the right times, smile politely, laugh when I’m supposed to, but it’s all fake. I’m going through the motions.
I couldn’t care less about how professor Smith got caught cheating on his wife with one of his students. I don’t care that professor Parker is being accused of plagiarism.
I don’t even care about the rumors that our departement’s funds may be getting slashed.
Compared to what I’ve experienced out there, it all seems so… inconsequential.
“Are you even listening?” Mary asks.
I look up. “Sorry,” I say. “Brainfart. What were you saying?”
She continues where she left of, and my mind wanders again instantly. I thought that when I returned to my old life, things would be the same.
Instead, I keep wondering…
What’s Romulus up to?
Romulus
The metal groans, the engines strained to its max, yet I keep revving the gas, keep pushing the bike to its limits.
The surface of the moon shoots by underneath me, nothing but a gray blur. I’m going as fast as I can, but it’s not enough.
I keep thinking about her.
Nothing seems to be able to change that. I’ve logged hours and hours in the battle-simulator, pushed my body past its limits, but that doesn’t change how I feel.
Empty.
I’m throwing all caution in the wind by racing my bike across the lunar surface. This is breaking every agreement we’ve made with the humans, for anyone with a telescope can see me speeding by… but I don’t care.
Nothing matters anymore.
I let go of the handlebars and close my eyes. The bike wobbles.
I could crash into a rock and smash myself to bits. I could fall over and break my helmet, and the hurting will be over.
The pain will end.
I hit a bump and the bike is launched several feet up into the air. My eyes fly open, and I’m see I’m headed right for a deep crater.
It’s not my time yet.
I throw the bike to the side, skidding across the surface, rolling and tumbling and coming to a complete stop with nothing but a few scraps and a dented bike.
I dust myself off and glance at the green-blue planet that is orbiting above me.
Why can’t I let you go?
Chapter Fourteen
Alexa
I wake up alone. I’ve done so every morning my entire life, yet now, it feels wrong. I used to enjoy my time alone; now I resent it.
I’ve had one taste of happiness, and it’s consuming me.
I go through the motions and park myself behind my desk, which is covered in piles of paperwork stacked up high. A letter from an academic journal catches my eye.
They’re publishing my paper. The one I poured months of research into, the one that I was sure was going to be my stepping stone to getting tenure.
And I feel nothing.
Who cares.
Nothing matters.
Life on Earth is so dull compared to what I had with Romulus. How did I manage all of this for so long without losing my mind? A life of action and excitement was in my grasp, and I let it go for… for what, really?
For an overheard comment?
I’ve said things I regret. I’ve said things I don’t mean.
I don’t even know who he was talking to.
A dar
k pit forms in my stomach.
Did I do this to myself?
Did I ruin the best thing that ever happened to me?
I glance out the window and look at the moon, which is still visible in the morning light. Every time I look at it, I’m reminded of Romulus. I think about the time we shared, about our moonwalk on Titan, about our shuttle-adventure on Saturn, about that bath we took…
“Miss Oakley? Step into my office please,” Dr. Bellamy says.
When I walk into his room he closes the door behind me and gestures towards one of the chairs.
“You’re going to want to sit down.”
Romulus
My fingers glide across my sword. I’m in the trophy room, looking at all that I’ve collected. All of my weapons are here, as are all of my prizes, my souvenirs… mementos of the monsters I’ve killed.
My pride and joy.
And it all means nothing to me.
Even defeating Magnus Bruttius seems pointless in hindsight.
Without Alexa, nothing is worth a damn anymore. She’s created a hole in my heart, and it’s too big for any sword to fill.
With an angry roar I throw my sword at the wall, splitting a skull in two.
I did this to myself. I was more open, none of this would have happened. If I wasn’t such a stubborn fool, she’d still be here.
I need her.
There’s no other way around it. The realization creeps down my spine, like a cold shiver. I don’t care whose right or wrong anymore; I just want Alexa to know I care for her with every fiber of my being.
I tried to forget about her, and that hasn’t worked. I’m killing myself, one breath at a time. I want to die without regrets.
I must find her.
I don’t care if the human army tries to stop me. I don’t care if Nero discharges me. I pull the sword from the wall and slide it back into its sheath.
It might be too late to rekindle our flame, but I swear by every god there is that I will try my best.