by Paul Sharp
The first step in preparing for learning about manipulation is understanding that this term can encompass a range of actions. Indeed, the distinction between manipulation and persuasion is at least partly an issue of semantics. Persuasion will be discussed further in the succeeding chapter but it is generally regarded as the capability to influence others. Manipulation refers to the tactic of influencing the behaviors and thoughts of others. The distinction between persuasion and manipulation is therefore really a construct that generally sees persuasion as benign and generally beneficial, and manipulation as underhanded and potentially dangerous.
In this book, persuasion will be taken to mean the ability to influence others while manipulation will refer to the influencing of the thoughts and behaviors of others along a spectrum that includes benign and not-so-benign actions and motivations. Persuasion will, therefore, be approached as a type of manipulation, one in which the influencing of another’s thoughts and deeds is often benign or beneficial to the other person, but does not necessarily have to be.
Psychological Manipulation
The term psychological manipulation is sometimes used to refer to the act of influencing another person’s thoughts and behaviors through psychological tactics that some might regard as dark. In reality, most manipulation involves a psychological tactic of some kind, even if that tactic is merely positive or negative reinforcement. Even a reinforcement scheme involves accessing the neural patterning of the other individual as it essentially consists of imprinting a behavior through a system of reward and punishments. This system of reward and punishment establishes a connection in the individual’s brain between a certain act and the positive or negative result that followed.
If we accept that all (or most) manipulation is psychological as it involves accessing the ability of human beings to recognize stimuli from outside of themselves and create an association between things, we are left with the situation of attempting to distinguish the bad kinds of manipulation from the perhaps not so bad ones. A classification system that is often made is to divide manipulation into ethical manipulation and unethical manipulation. This division recognizes the realities of manipulation: that although we often associate manipulation with sinister design, there are people who manipulate with the goal of benefiting others rather than from some dark motivation lying deep, down inside.
Most people reading this will have some idea of what ethics refer to. Ethics is the study of beliefs about right and wrong, and people have been studying and writing about ethics since at least classical times. Ethics presents an important distinction in manipulation because it targets what the motivation for the manipulation is. If the manipulation is undertaken for the purposes of doing something positive with both the resulting act and the reason for the motivation falling within acceptable standards of good behavior in the society than that would be considered ethical manipulation. If the motivation is to do harm to others, or if the act results in harm even if there was no particular motivation for it (malign or otherwise) then this would be considered unethical manipulation.
Unethical manipulation is a weapon in the arsenal of the practitioner of the dark psychological art. It is a weapon that is really a toolbox replete with its own weapons. As the reader will understand at this point, an evil deed does not have to be undertaken with a necessarily evil intention. And by this we do not mean the intention that is clear to all the individuals involved, we just mean any intention, even unconscious ones. As we have seen, human beings have the capacity to behave in a cruel, violent, or destructive way without any motivation, and this represents the ability of human beings to tap into a well of sinister energy.
If you are reading this because you are interested in guarding against manipulation then it is unethical manipulation that you need to be protected against. Manipulation has been defined and it is important to recognize that this term represents a range of behaviors that are used to control the actions or beliefs of others. It is important to highlight this aspect of beliefs because although the actions that are influenced may be the most visible example of the effects of the manipulation, the manipulator often targets the thoughts of the person they seek to manipulate because these are the actors that lead to actions.
Understanding manipulation in this way allows the reader to appreciate that even persuasion can be dangerous as this tactic to is the result can result in beliefs being influenced. But persuasion is only one trick in the arsenal of manipulation. Below we list some of the behaviors that a manipulator can engage in that fall under the rubric of manipulation:
Punishment
Reinforcement
One-trial behavior
Rationalization
Seduction
Bandwagon effect
Some people have relatively amorphous ideas about manipulation. They see it as a trick or tactic that some people use to coerce others into giving them what they want. But manipulation is not so shapeless. Manipulation should be thought of as a set of tactics rather than just one and these all can be used to influence others in a dramatic way. Punishment represents a simple type of manipulation. Although punishment overlaps with negative reinforcement, the latter is a tactic that is generally used to action to a reward while punishment does not have to necessarily have a goal of reinforcing a behavior.
For example, a manipulator may “punish” you to make you emotionally weak, demoralized, or because it pleasures them to do so. This may be difficult for some to relate to or to understand, but a manipulator or a narcissist does not have to necessarily have a goal in doling out punishment to their victim. Their goal may be to weaken you to such a state that you become easier prey for their abuse, or they may behave in this manner towards you just because they can. Although one may think of punishment in the context of manipulation as having a particular goal, punishment may be part of a larger spectrum of manipulative behaviors that together serve the goal of leaving you weakened and dependent.
Reinforcement is another important type of manipulation. Reinforcement links behavior to a result, so if you do something that the manipulator likes they may reward you or they may instead punish you. he first type, positive reinforcement, is designed to reinforce or encourage the behavior by linking it to something positive in your mind. This positive result or reward can be anything: food, money, sex, attention. The manipulator would have read you accurately enough to determine what you value so that they can use it in their manipulation scheme. Indeed, manipulators rely on information that you give them (even unconscious information) so one of the most valuable tools of defense is keeping those things about yourself that others do not need to know to yourself.
Negative reinforcement also links behavior to a result, but in this case, the result is a negative one. A manipulator can use any punishment to discourage a behavior in you. In some countries, it is common for managers of factories to punish their employees for complaining about work conditions by cutting employee hours, paying employees late, or stalking them. In this example, the purpose of the manipulative negative reinforcement is to discourage complaints, limit independent thought and action, and instill fear.
Whether the reinforcement is positive or negative, the goal is the same: to place you more deeply under the control of the manipulator. Manipulators (at least the unethical ones) are behaving in a predatory manner so any leeway you give them merely encourages them to continue with their predatory tactics. For instance, if the manipulator sees that their tactics are working, they will be inclined to continue with this treatment. This could be either because they have a sinister goal with you that they wish to follow to its completion, or because they are narcissistic or psychopathic and have a desire to inflict pain or emotional disorder upon you.
Why People Manipulate Others
This leads naturally to a critical aspect of manipulation that it is important to address. The subject of why people manipulate others has been touched on, but there is a particular aspect of this topic in the context of dark psychol
ogy. As we have seen, manipulation does not necessarily have to be unethical. Manipulators can engage in their acts for ethical reasons, generally with the desire to influence others in what they perceive as a positive way. The question of whether influencing others to do what you want them to do is ever positive is outside the scope of this work. It will be up to you to decide whether someone else’s desires, even if they are well-intentioned, trump your own desire or requirement for the agency.
But this idea that the manipulator wants you to do what they want you to do is a common theme in manipulation. Even someone manipulating for ethical reasons wants you to behave in a way consistent with their own beliefs. In dark psychology, the idea of motivation is important because it reflects the psychological concepts of purposive versus pathological actions. The question with manipulation is really whether the manipulator is behaving out of narcissism, out of a desire to control you (even in a way they believe is positive), or out of deeper, pathological reasons.
Even leaving aside cases where the manipulator desires to influence you because they perceive some eventual benefit to themselves, the goal of the manipulation still remains control. Both you and the manipulator have the ability to engage in actions that have a purpose and which represent free will. The manipulator desires to use their free will to cause you to act in a way that they choose. Even if their motivations appear benign or positive, the goal is still to control because they see their own desires as being paramount to your own.
Therefore, what the manipulator really desires are control. Even when you engage in a positive or negative reinforcement scheme with your dog, the goal is still to control the actions of the dog. You do not want the dog to jump in the bed so you punish him. You are pleased when the dog fetches the object that you’ve thrown so you reward him. You are controlling the actions of your dog using manipulation and so too does the manipulator seek to control others using the tools at their disposal.
Typical Characteristics of a Manipulator
The characteristics of a manipulator behaving unethically will overlap with characteristics associated with the dark triad personality traits. The dark triad of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy represent personality types that fall on a dangerous spectrum. These are individuals that engage in the wanton harm and destruction of people regardless of the consequences. These individuals would be diagnosed with personality disorders like a narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, or borderline personality disorder by a psychiatrist.
Some characteristics of manipulators include:
A disregard for the feelings, desires, or concerns of other people
Regard their own desires or emotions as paramount to those of other people
Unconcerned about harming others, including people they may be in a close relationship with
Strong emotions of love or hate
Difficulty regulating their emotions
Skillful at insinuating themselves with others because of high emotional awareness skills
Skillful at keeping secrets or hiding their intentions or motivations
Shallow or superficial
Highly perceptive
Easily angered with a tendency to act based solely on their emotions
Unconcerned with the safety or lives of others
A manipulator may possess some of these traits or all of them. A manipulator may also be skillful at producing a weapon of attack based on what is needed at that time. Remember that a manipulator, like a narcissist, makes a mental note of who you are so that they know how to control you. These individuals are highly perceptive, which will become obvious if you pay attention to the things that they say. They may repeat things that you never told you, which may cause you to believe that they have stalked you or researched you in some way.
The characteristics of a manipulator appear to comprise a list of bad or negative qualities, but it is important to recall that manipulators can possess high levels of emotional intelligence, in addition to being intelligent in general. Because of the large skill set that manipulators possess, they can even resort to brainwashing to obtain what they desire. Brainwashing can involve removing thoughts, behaviors, or motivations from your mind and replacing them with others.
Brainwashing can be the result of hypnosis, but often it is the result of effective use of manipulation. Because human beings are naturally so suggestible, a manipulator can effectively brainwash you by suggesting an idea to you through repetition, reinforcement, or some of the other tools of manipulation that were mentioned previously. This is considered Brainwashing because the manipulator was able to take an idea or a desire of their own and introduce it into your mind. The power of suggestion should never be underestimated as it can be the most potent tool leading to Brainwashing and you may be entirely unconscious that it is being used against you.
Chapter 4: Basics of Persuasion
Persuasion is the ability to influence others and it can be thought of as overlapping with manipulation or as a more benign type of manipulation. Persuasion is generally thought of in terms of guiding someone in a particular direction or convincing them to have a belief or engage in an act that is beneficial to themselves. In short, persuasion is perceived more positively than is manipulation although there is a thin line between the two.
Consider the salesman who knocks on the door. They appear pleasant, have an attractive personality, sensitive, and they seem generally interested in doing you some good. The good that they hope to do is to convince you to replace your roof on your house even though your roof is only five years old. They notice that you have some streaks on your roof and they indicate to you that these reflect that you have water damage. Water is collecting under the shingles and the last thing you want to do is wait until a thunderstorm hits and your house becomes flooded. Perhaps an agent can stop by with samples and you can pick out your new roof.
This person wants to help you, right? Well, perhaps not. This person is attempting to influence you into purchasing a new roof that you probably do not need. The streaks they saw in the roof were due to the shadows from the tall trees you have on the lawn with their wide branches. Your roof is relatively new so at most you may need an inspection but most likely not a replacement. What the salesperson has done is to influence your ideas by suggesting to you an idea of their own. Your roof is damaged and you need another one as soon as possible. They have attempted to persuade you.
Although the goal here is relatively benign – convincing someone to purchase a new roof – persuasion can run the gamut to ideas and behaviors that are relatively benign and those that are less so. You can persuade someone to go to one restaurant rather than another for dinner tonight or you can persuade your grandmother to change her will, naming you as the sole beneficiary. Persuasion is regarded as a step down from manipulation, perhaps a step in the right direction, but the effects of the conditioning that it involves can be very dramatic.
How to Influence People
Men and women adept at the art of persuasion know how to influence you. Indeed, the best persuaders and manipulators are “people persons” who know how to get on well with others because of their social skills. What this really means is that they possess high emotional intelligence, or at the very least are highly self-aware and good at being cued into the emotional states of others. As the reader has seen, emotional intelligence requires also having empathy and using that to guide one’s actions so an emotionally sensitive or aware person is not necessarily emotionally intelligent though they can be.
Because persuaders and manipulators are closely attuned to emotional states, they are excellent at reading people. They will pay attention to the impact that their words have on you. If they say something that causes you to have a furrowed brow, they will make a mental note of that, or if they say something that makes you laugh, they will note that too. And because they are highly attuned to the emotional and internal states of others, they are able to make these assessments instantly a
nd even subconsciously. Even the behavior changes that result from their awareness of you may be not entirely conscious.
Therefore, we can define a set of skills that are useful in persuasion. Recall that persuasion is the ability to influence others. In particular, the thoughts and actions of others are those that are generally desired to be influenced. Here are some features that a person skilled in influencing others will possess:
Emotional awareness
Excellent memory
Excellent understanding of human nature and normal human behavior
Agreeable personality
Intelligent
Great attention to detail
Ability to mask one’s own feelings and motivations
Ability to identify with others and to get others to identify with you
These sorts of characteristics are important in persuasion because the idea in this tactic is for the persuader to cause the thoughts of the target to align with their own. What this means is that the best persuasion happens when the persuader makes a connection with the target that allows the target to be more vulnerable to suggestion or influencing. It is natural for human beings to want to identify with others so if the persuader can establish an area of commonality then they are more likely to be able to influence the other person.
Establishing this rapport or connection can occur in the form of making the other person laugh or smile, helping or being perceived to help the person in some way, being sensitive to the emotional state or concerns of the other person and demonstrating this awareness, and presenting an image of agreeableness or benignity. The idea here is that the person to be influenced should see you as someone who is akin to himself or herself. If they see you as someone divergent, then they are less likely to be influenced by you because they are not perceiving you as someone that they can or desire to make a connection with.