by Sadie Haller
“That’s what check-lists are for. Have you done one yet?”
“They’ve come up in some of my reading, but no, I haven’t done one. It’s not like I have someone to share it with.”
“You don’t need someone to share it with. It’s a great exercise for you to gain understanding of your own sexuality. This whole thing is based on trust, and you need to trust yourself first. I’ll warn you up front, if you are completely honest with yourself, some of your answers will shock, and even embarrass you. You’ll be tempted to adjust your answers to be more in line with what you perceive as societal norms. Don’t. You need to accept yourself and your needs. If you don’t, you’ll never be satisfied, and honey, there is a lot to be said for satisfaction.”
Hildy was more curious than ever. “Where do I find one?”
“There are all kinds available, but I’ll email you a copy of the one Finn and I used. It’s the same one the rest of Dominant Cord uses, so should you get the opportunity to exchange lists with Wilson, you’ll be ahead of the game. Fair warning, it’s explicit and I don’t think it leaves any kink or fetish unexplored.”
“Thanks, Mac. I feel a little better now.”
“Good. You still haven’t told me if you’re coming to the next play party.”
“God, no. I don’t even know if I could do this in private. How could I possibly do it in public?”
“I get that. It took me quite a while before I was willing to play at one of Finn’s parties. I only observed at the first one. The next few after that, Finn and I played beforehand and I continued to observe at the party. Of course, Finn being Finn, concessions have a price. He was lenient the first couple of times. But once I’d become more comfortable with the group generally, and playing with him in particular, the deal was, I could keep some clothes on if I played, but none if I watched. By the time I finally participated fully, I didn’t need clothes to play because I was already used to being seen without them.”
“But that’s so mean.”
“It is, and it isn’t. For me it’s not, because Finn has proven to me time and again that he can be trusted to know what I need and provide it using whatever method he deems necessary. In return, I have proven capable of appropriately using my safewords, yellow when I need a minute or to change something, and red to bail completely. In our house, safewords work for everything, not just kinky sex.”
Hildy took a deep breath and let it out. “It’s all so overwhelming.”
“That’s true of most things when you’re first learning. I bet Sully bombarded you with tonnes of material to read, didn’t he?”
“Did he ever. Of course, I’ve read it all, a lot of it more than once.”
Mac laughed. “Of course you did, and I bet those parts you reread are the ones that got you all hot and bothered and thinking about Wilson, weren’t they?”
Heat flooded Hildy’s cheeks and she was thankful Mac couldn’t see her. “No comment.”
“That’s an excellent start. I need to go run some errands, but before I leave, I’ll fire off that check-list to you so you can get started on it. I’ll call you later to see how you’re doing. Okay?”
“That would be great. Thanks for all your help, Mac. I really appreciate you taking the time.”
“It’s nothing. I’m so glad you thought of me. I’d hate for you to be trying to figure this all on your own. Promise you’ll call when you need someone to talk to, okay?”
“I promise. I’ll let you get to your errands.”
“Remember ,trust and accept yourself whilst filling out the check-list. There are no right or wrong answers to those questions for anyone but you.”
“Thanks Mac, I’ll talk to you soon.”
“See ya.”
Hildy trekked to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea and a snack in anticipation of the mysterious check-list. What a relief she’d managed to find a woman she could talk to about this crazy stuff without fear of being judged. She had some idea of Mac’s past, and she was sure Mac had knowledge of her own. They couldn’t both be such close friends with Sully and not expect some aspects of their lives to bleed through. She wished she’d met Mac sooner, but it was hardly surprising she hadn’t, knowing what she did about Mac’s many years of isolation.
Wil recognised the number on the incoming call. More meddling, no doubt.
“Mac, what a surprise. To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“What are your intentions toward Hildy?”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me.”
“I answer to nobody, sub.”
“You can fuck that for a lark, Wil. The only person on the planet who can boss me around is Finn, although, I do let Sully believe he has that kind of power. Seriously, Wil, what’s the deal?”
“Why do you want to know?”
“I just got off the phone after having a very interesting conversation with her and I need to know how best to proceed.”
“Why didn’t you call Sully?”
“Because Sully is effectively her family, and one does not ask family for advice on how to advise another family member as regards the realm of all things kinky. Let’s face it, there is a very real possibility of you becoming her Dom.”
“When did relationship by committee get enacted?”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, Wil, stop being ridiculous.”
“Hang on just a minute. I’ve got Sully essentially telling me I have to be her Dom, and then I have you pestering me for advice on how to deal with Hildy because you figure I’m going to be her Dom. While I did agree to a trial on the physical aspects with Hildy, I only agreed to do this after Sully has her fully prepared. How you got mixed up in all this, I can’t begin to understand.”
“That part is easy. Sully sent Hildy a whole pile of material to read, which she did. It made her so confused and crazy, she didn’t know where to turn. Fortunately for you two bozos, she called me, and I set her straight. For the moment, anyway. Now, I called you for some guidance on how best to help your new sub navigate her journey through the land of kink. Are you going to help, or do you want to take your chances on my judgement?”
“To be fair, you have excellent judgement, and I could reasonably trust you to handle this on your own. That said, you did ask for my input, so I am happy to help where I can.”
“Good. Hildy is worried about being a newbie. She’s freaked about not knowing what to do, how to act, and I think more importantly, that she won’t like it. I asked her if she’d filled out a check-list and she hadn’t. I can’t imagine this was neglected on purpose, so I sent her the standard one used by Dominant Cord members.”
“Dammit.”
“Please don’t tell me it wasn’t a simple over-sight on Sully’s part.”
“It was rather carefully orchestrated on his part, actually.”
“Then he’s a buffoon, and you aren’t much better for agreeing to it.”
“What did you tell her?”
“We talked about trust, and how she had to trust herself first. I told her to be honest with herself and accept her answers without considering anyone else because as far as the rest of the world is, there are no right or wrong answers.”
“See, this is exactly why I trust your judgement. I think you handled that perfectly. Thank you for doing this. I have a feeling our original plan could have back-fired big time. Maybe Sully and I should leave Hildy’s education entirely to you.”
“Oh no you don’t. You’re not getting off that easily. I think you will need to get involved long before there is likely to be any physical activities. I asked her if she was going to attend the play party. She declined, but I think I may be able to persuade her to come. That is, if you two dolts don’t fuck it up.”
“Dammit, I’ve never felt so useless about dealing with a woman in my life. I keep doing all the wrong things, and the thing that makes me crazy is this time I think getting it right really matters. For both of us.”
“The good news is, she seems to wa
nt to get it right for both of you too. I told her to fill out the check-list and I’d call her tonight to talk about it. I would humbly suggest you fill out a shiny new check-list of your own.”
“Yeah. Thanks, Mac. I’m glad Hildy has you looking out for her.”
“No worries. I’ll talk to you later.”
“See ya.” Wilson ended the call and sat for a moment to let the conversation sink in. Hildy was definitely interested, but feeling self-conscious about her inexperience. Fuck. He wasn’t just feeding Sully a line when he said he wasn’t into playing with newbies. He liked experienced subs he could trust to know their limits. However, he was surprised to find he hated the idea of anyone else touching her, more than he feared fucking it all up for both of them. Mac said to fill out a new check-list, so he’d best get to it. He hadn’t known Mac very long, but so far, she’d shown herself to be smart and wise, with a huge heart.
Hildy wasn’t generally one to procrastinate, but she had been dreading this call from the moment she’d made her decision.
“Hi Sully, how are you?”
“I’m great, Hildy. How about you? I understand you spoke with Mac.”
“I’m fine and yes, Mac and I talked.”
“Anything you want to ask me?”
“Nope.”
“Will you be joining me at Finn and Mac’s this evening?”
She forced herself to speak. “Um, yeah.”
“Great, Wilson and I’ll be there to pick you up at six.”
“But the party doesn’t start until half-seven.”
“Yeah, but Wilson will have to drive slowly, and this way you can have some time with Mac before the others arrive.”
“Sully?”
“What’s the matter, kiddo?”
“I know it’s none of my business, but...”
Hildy was grateful Sully didn’t make her finish the question before answering. “No, sweetie, Wil is not bringing a playmate. That doesn’t mean he won’t play tonight, though.”
“If he doesn’t bring someone, then who would he play with?”
“Calm down, you’ve got a way to go before there’s any chance of you playing with anyone. Sometimes Doms, particularly those who have specialised skills, will help another Dom with his sub. Wil is particularly skilled at rope bondage, and occasionally he is called upon to demonstrate a technique or even do all the rope-work so a Dom is able to concentrate on doing other things to his sub.”
“Oh.” That didn’t answer her question, but she wasn’t going to ask it a second time.
“By the way, bring your check-list with you.”
“News flash, Sully, you aren’t getting so much as a peek at my check-list, so I think it’s just as well it stays here.”
“Honey, For your own safety, someone besides your Dom will need to know exactly what’s on that list. Even the most experienced Doms can make a mistake, overlook a limit, or get caught up in the moment. At times like that, even the most experienced sub could fail to safeword, but the risk is so much higher with someone who is inexperienced. You’ve even admitted to feeling self-conscious about your lack of knowledge and experience. It’s those kinds of feelings that could stop a sub from safewording when she really should because she doesn’t want to be judged as lacking. Who better than someone who has no sexual interest in you to ensure the scene goes as smoothly as possible?”
“I get it,” Hildy said, “but I don’t want you to know what turns me on.”
“Honey, I don’t want to know what turns you on, either, but I sure as fuck want to know what turns you off. I understand, I really do. I promise only to look at the soft and hard limits. I want your experiences to be positive so you can assess your feelings fairly. Most importantly, I want you to have fun and feel great.”
“Jeez. It’ll be like telling my brother my innermost sexual fantasies.”
“I’ll try hard not to make it like that. Look on it like I’m a referee at a sporting event. My purpose is to know the rules and make sure everybody plays by them. In this case, the rules are your soft and hard limits. Okay?”
“I’m still not comfortable with this.”
“I know, but I love you, and I won’t trust your absolute safety in this to anyone but myself. So, either I get a copy, or you don’t play.”
“I could go to a club,” Hildy threatened.
“Not unless you want that bottom of yours every colour of the rainbow. Going to Mac with questions is great, but I draw the line at you looking outside the safety of the quintet to explore the world of kink. Most people adhere to Safe, Sane and Consensual, but it’s not a risk I’m going to let you take.”
“You are such a control-freak, Sully.”
“I love you, and want you to have only the good things in life. I consider the right kink with the right person, or people to be one of those good things, and I’ll do what I can to make it happen for you.”
“Thank you. I know, deep down, you only want my happiness. I still have a hard time accepting there are people who wish me good rather than harm.”
“I know, but you’ll get there. I’m going to go now, and I’ll see you at six.”
“Okay, have a great rest of your afternoon.” Hildy waited for the click before she put her phone down. When she’d filled out that damn check-list, she hadn’t expected Sully would want to see it. She wondered if she had time to change it, but even as the thought entered her head, she heard Mac telling her to be truthful with herself and there were no right or wrong answers. Besides, Sully did say he would only pay attention to the stuff that turned her off. He’d never let her down before, so she’d trust him.
Fuck. She reached for her phone and dialled. She didn’t wait for Mac to say hello. “I need help.”
“Oh, sweetie, what can I do?”
“I don’t have a clue what to wear tonight.”
“Wear whatever you feel comfortable in. You’re not playing, and I can assure you, everyone will be too occupied with their own situation to pay any attention to you, or what you’re wearing. I know that sounds kind of rude, and self-centred, but it’s true. It’s a private party, not a club, so there is no dress-code beyond a sub wearing whatever her Dom decides.”
“Thanks, Mac. I appreciate you being around for me.”
“Anytime, honey. You’re coming early, right?”
“Yeah, Sully and Wilson are picking me up at six. Sully said being early would give you and me some time together.”
“Perfect. I’ll see you when you get here and we’ll have a nice chat.”
“Okay. See ya.”
“Bye.”
Four
Hildy smiled as Mac greeted them at the door. “Hi there. Hildy, how about you come with me whilst Sully and Wilson head down to help Finn in the dungeon.” Wilson and Sully looked at each other and shrugged.
Mac took Hildy by the hand and led her to the bedroom. “I need to finish getting ready. Finn and I have some special plans tonight, and I wanted to talk to you about them.”
“Why would you need to talk to me about plans you have with Finn?”
Mac sat on the bed and invited Hildy to join her. “You are very new and I want you to be prepared for the worst possible scenario. I don’t know how much you know about my past, but I’ll give you a quick run-down of the sordid details to help you understand the situation.
“I was bound to a piano bench and raped at the end of my first year of university.” Mac paused, rubbing her palms up and down her thighs.
“As a result, I suffered from severe performance anxiety and withdrew to the point where Sully was the only person I maintained a relationship with. Long story short, Sully’s injury was the cause of Finn and me getting together and with Finn’s love and patience, I’ve been slowly conquering my fears.”
She gave Hildy a half smile. “I’ve got to the point where Finn can restrain me with leather cuffs, but so far, we’ve not tried using rope.
“Finn and I had a long talk, and we decided that we would ask
Wil for help. Something very simple that is quick and easy to remove. Wilson will be completely in charge of the rope while Finn keeps me otherwise occupied.
“We’ve planned it to the last detail, but it could go very, very wrong, and I could totally freak out. If that happens, I need you to absolutely understand that I am in complete control of the situation. Nothing will happen that I haven’t already consented to. I am pretty good about safewording for myself, but even if I don’t, it is likely Finn will realise there is a problem and halt the scene before I even come close to losing it.” Mac caught Hildy’s gaze. “I need you to promise me you’ll stay put and stay calm if things go really bad.”
Hildy struggled with the discomfort she felt over Mac’s decision to put her physical and emotional safety into the hands of others. “Fuck, Mac. Seriously, why would you take a chance like this?”
“Because some miserable little fucker in my past stole so much from me, and I want it back. All of it. You haven’t given me your promise.”
She was still uncomfortable about the situation, but she could understand Mac’s motivation. “I promise.”
“Thank you. I was a little conflicted about doing this at your first party, but in the end, I decided it would be a good learning experience for you regardless of the outcome. If it all goes to shit in a handbag, you will see how loving Doms deal with a scene gone wrong. And if it all goes right, you’ll see how a Dom can successfully help his sub overcome her fears.”
“I don’t know, Mac. Maybe I should go home. You don’t need me here to complicate the situation.”
“I would like you to be here. But, if it gets to be too much for you, all you have to do is say red to Sully, and he’ll get you out of there. All I ask is if you do need to leave, do it quickly and quietly so you don’t disturb any scenes.”
“I’ll try.”
“Good enough. That’s all anyone should ever ask of you, is to try. Now, let me get changed real quick, and we can head down to check on the fellas.”
Hildy’s eyes went wide as Mac rose and stripped down to a thong and corset. “Oh, before I forget, there will be sex. Lots of sex, and it’s highly unlikely any of it will be soft and gentle. More importantly, you need to be prepared for women being hit. Not just with bare hands, but with all manner of paddles and hitty-sticks. I don’t know if anything really prepares you for the first time you see a Dom strike his sub. It’s quite shocking, and I know for me, horrifying to feel titillated by it. That’s normal. The sub is in control. She has a safeword, and unless the couple have a long-standing relationship, scenes are generally carefully scripted.”