One Gold Knot

by Sadie Haller

  Hildy tried to turn her head, but Wilson latched onto her chin and held it in place while he brushed his lips over hers. “Change of plans, love. You’re not ready for this just yet. Be naked by the time I get back.”

  Hildy stared at the floor and silently berated herself for being so utterly ridiculous. She had the perfect opportunity to try something she could wear anytime, anywhere, that could potentially provide the safe feeling she got from being wrapped in a blanket and she blew it.

  “Were my instructions somehow not clear?”

  Hildy startled and lifted her gaze to Wilson’s. His eyes lacked their usual sparkle. “Huh?”

  “Your manners have slipped considerably. That’s not a particularly polite response. Would you like to try again?”

  Wilson may have worded it as a request, but from the tone of his voice, it was an order, and she’d best comply before she landed herself in an even bigger pile of shit. No matter how badly she wanted to return her gaze to the floor, she toughed it out and maintained eye-contact. “Um, pardon?”

  “Marginally better. When I left, I told you to be naked by the time I returned. You are still dressed, and I would like to understand why. Perhaps you’d care to explain?”

  Hildy already had hold of a chunk of hair at the base of her skull before she caught herself and snatched her hand away, slipping it, along with her other hand beneath her thighs.

  “Stop. What was that about?”

  Hildy looked up and glared at Wilson. Fuck! She was an emotional teeter-totter and the urge to run away was overwhelming. This was why she didn’t do relationships. Why hadn’t she just stuck to her usual routine of bang and bounce where there were no expectations beyond getting off?

  Wilson crouched in front of Hildy and laid his hands on her knees. “I’m going to help you get undressed and wrap you in your blanket; then we’ll talk.”

  “I can undress myself.”

  Wilson stood and stepped to the side. “Okay. I’ll give you ten seconds to get on it.”

  Hildy grabbed the hem of her top and whipped it over her head, firing it across the room when she let go. She’d pick it up later. She didn’t want to give him any reason to undress her, that would be too intimate. She stole a quick glance at Wilson as she unhooked her bra, but his face gave nothing away. She returned her focus to removing her clothing. She needed the calm and safety of her blanket, and the sooner she got naked, the sooner she would get it. Except, would she? Wil said they were going to talk.

  Eight

  “Dammit, Mac, I don’t know how to deal with this.” Hildy paced up and down the length of her living room as she tried to adequately articulate her dilemma over the phone. “I’m so fucking mixed up.” She let go of the hank of hair before she tugged hard enough to pull it out. She needed to pay closer attention to what she was doing before it became a problem again.

  “Sweetie, we’re all mixed up to varying degrees. Life is messy. It’s how we deal with that mess that counts. So let’s figure out how we can work with your mess, shall we?”

  “I don’t know. Things get scary, and I’m ready to walk away, then something wonderful happens, and I’m not so sure.”

  “Oh, honey, I know that feeling. I get the urge to flee back to my place regularly. I’ve come really close a few times, but Finn has managed to talk me down. Tell me what happened.”

  “The short version is, Wil was going to do a rope harness on me, and I was totally on board, until I wasn’t.”

  “Short version? That’s barely a tweet. Can you give me a little more to work with?”

  “I don’t know what went wrong. Wilson tried to talk to me about it afterwards, but I couldn’t explain something I don’t understand myself. I still can’t”

  “That’s fair enough. Do you want to try the rope harness?”

  “I’m cool with the idea of it. The reality of it is what I’m not so sure about.”

  “Is it possible you freaked because you were alone with Wilson?”

  Hildy thought for a moment. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  “I know you aren’t ready to play at a party yet, but what if you had some moral support? Finn and I would be happy to help out, but if you’re not comfortable with us, I’m sure Sully would—“

  “No! Not Sully. I don’t think I could be naked around him just yet.”

  “You wouldn’t have to be naked, you could—“

  “Look, it’s one thing for Sully and me to have in-depth conversations about our sexual escapades, but actually being present for them is something I’m going to have to work my way up to.”

  “Yeah, I get that. What about having Finn and me being there for you?”

  Hildy noticed the small clump of hair and bloody skin in her hand a split second before she felt the pain in her scalp. Maybe she didn’t have this as under control as she thought.

  “Hildy? Are you there?”

  “Shit. Yeah, sorry.” Hildy frowned as she continued to stare at the hair in her hand. “Um, you and Finn being there...”

  “Hildy, what’s going on? Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit distracted.”

  “How about this? You come over for supper. I’ll call Wil and invite him to come with his gear and we’ll just let the evening unfold. No pressure.”

  “Okay, I think I can do that. Thanks, Mac.”

  “You are most welcome. We’ll eat at six, so how about you swing by around five-thirty?”

  “Sure, sounds good. I’ll see you then.”

  “See ya.”

  Hildy dropped the phone and let the tears fall. She thought she was done with this shit. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d resorted to hair pulling. She checked her watch. Less than half an hour until the next student and she needed to get her shit together.

  “Hey, Mac, I was thinking about calling you.”

  “About what happened with Hildy last night?”

  “Yeah, but I’m glad she’s already talked to you. She had me pretty worried.”

  “She didn’t really give me any details. All I know for sure is she’s feeling pretty messed up. Something happened while we were talking and she became really distracted.”

  “Maybe I should call Sully.”

  “I think you should hold off on that. For now, anyway. Her relationship with Sully is changing, and she needs to process it in her own way. She’s coming over for supper tonight. I told her I would invite you and your gear along and we’d see how things work out. Just the four of us and no pressure. Are you up for that?”

  “Sure. What kind of gear did you have in mind?”

  “Whatever you like, but you might want to make sure there’s rope in your arsenal.”

  Wilson chuckled. “Honey, there’s always rope in my arsenal.”

  “I know, but I figured I’d mention it anyway, just to be sure.”

  “And I appreciate that. Is there anything else I can bring tonight?”

  “Nope, just your lovely self and your gear. Supper’s at six. I told Hildy to be a half hour early, but I think you should already be here when she arrives.”

  “Will do. Is Finn around?”

  “Yeah, he’s right here.”

  Hildy was self-conscious about the wound on her scalp and had struggled all evening to keep her hands away from her head, desperate to avoid drawing any attention to it. Something she was finding harder to do once she and Mac and retired to the living room after supper. At least while they were eating, she’d had something to keep her hands occupied. Now her nerves were getting the better of her, and to fight the urge to pull more hair out, she squeezed her hands into fists so tight, her neatly trimmed nails dug into her palms.

  “Hildy, are you okay?”

  Mac’s question broke her concentration, and her hand shot to the sore spot on her head. “What? Yeah, fine. Just a bit nervous.”

  “I can understand that, especially since I think those two are up to something.”

  “What do you mean?”r />
  “After I invited Wil for supper, he and Finn had a long, private conversation. When Finn threatened a week without orgasms if I got within earshot one more time, I figured it was time to give up trying to find out what they were up to.”

  “Maybe it’s time I should go.”

  Mac made a sad puppy-dog face. “And leave me to face the unknown by myself?”

  Hildy snorted. “Oh, come on, Mac. This shit is nothing new to you.”

  “Yeah, this shit, as you call it, is nowhere near as new to me as it is to you, but there is still an awful lot of unknown and scary out there for me. I do think they’re up to something, and knowing Finn, it’s going to push my boundaries. I understand if you need to leave, and I can respect that, but if you can bring yourself to stay, even if you red-light out of whatever Wil has up his sleeve, I would really appreciate the moral support.”

  And that was it, there was no way Hildy could leave now. Mac had been so wonderful and supportive, right from that first phone call. “Okay, I’ll stay.”

  Mac got up and sat next to Hildy on the sofa and pulled her in for a big hug. “Thanks, sweetie.”

  “So that’s why we got relegated to kitchen-elves, Wil, Mac wanted a little alone time with Hildy.”

  Hildy stiffened as she tried to pull away, but Mac hugged her tighter before gently releasing her. “Relax, he’s teasing. Although, I’m sure he’d be all for me participating in a little girl on girl action, it would never happen without his permission.”

  Hildy looked up in time to see Finn wink at Wil. “Damn straight, love. But not tonight. We’ve got other plans.”

  Mac smiled and patted Hildy’s knee. “See, I told you they were up to something.” Then she turned to Wil, her voice tinged with steel. “I think it would be a really good idea for you two to tell us what your intentions are now.”

  Hildy held her breath and fisted her hands again, worried Mac was heading for punishment.

  “Calm down, Mac. Wil and I were hoping you and Hildy might be willing to let us rig you up in chest harnesses. Nothing elaborate, and nothing you haven’t done before. We thought maybe it might work better for Hildy if she had some company. Wil and I are going to go to the music room and deal with some administrative stuff while you two discuss this. Come get us when you’re done.” Without another word, he and Wil left the room.

  Mac turned back to face Hildy. “So, are you feeling brave?”

  “No.”

  “What are you scared of?”

  “Failure.”

  “Remember that conversation we had before that play party you came to? The one where I said all anyone should ask of you is to try?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then, if you try, how can you fail?”

  “By not actually doing whatever it is I’ve been asked to try.”

  “Really? If you agree to try something, you give it a go, but don’t finish because it’s not for you for whatever reason, is that failing?”

  “Of course it is.”

  “Okay, let me ask you this, if Finn asked me to try play piercing and I did, but safe-worded because it was more than I could stand, have I failed?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you tried, just like he asked.”

  “Now, what makes you any different from me?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  Mac looked at Hildy’s fisted hands. “Honey, you’re going to do some damage like that. Let me have a look.”

  “No, they’re fine”

  “Either you let me look, or I’m going to yell for those men, and I can assure you, if I yell, Finn will come through here like the devil is on his ass. Now, do you want to deal with me, or a couple of over-protective Domly-types?”

  Hildy eased open her hands as she squeezed her eyes shut.

  “Oh, sweetie, you’ve almost broken the skin. We need to find you another way to cope”

  “This is my other way to cope.” Hildy really needed to regain control of her mouth from her subconscious.

  Mac gathered Hildy in her arms before shouting, “Wil!”

  Hildy tried to pull away, but Mac was strong even as she soothed. “I’m sorry, sweetie, but I like you too much to let you hurt yourself.”

  Finn and Wil burst into the room and Wil immediately dropped to the floor in front of Mac and Hildy. “What happened?”

  “She’s been self-harming. Look at her palms.”

  Hildy was mortified. Trapped as she was, she buried her face in Mac’s neck and tried to hide her hands.

  Wil stroked her leg. “Love, I need to see your hands.”

  “Red.”

  And with that one little word, Mac released her and she was free. She jumped up, ready to race for the door when she caught sight of the tears rolling down Mac’s cheeks. Fuck! The last thing she wanted to do was hurt her friend. Damn Uncle Erich for dying. Ever since that fucking funeral, her life just kept getting more and more complicated. She cast one more wistful look at the door, then heaving a big sigh, she dropped her chin, and held her hands out to Wil.

  Wil took her hands in his and kissed each palm gently before pulling her in for a hug. “Oh, sweetie. What could be so bad that you’d hurt yourself?”

  Hildy burrowed her face into Wil’s chest and struggled not to clench her fists or reach up for a hank of hair.

  Mac spoke for her. “She’s worried about failing you, Wil.”

  Wil hugged Hildy tighter to him and kissed the top of her head. “Even if you did fail me, what’s the very worst thing that could happen?”

  Hildy squeezed her eyes shut and tried to block out how failure had been dealt with in her family. The everyday careless indifference was bad enough, but it was the wilful neglect she endured for failure that spawned the hair pulling. The worst that could happen for failing Wil? He could walk away.

  Nine

  Early morning light filtered through the gap in the curtains in Finn and Mac’s spare room, and Wil stroked Hildy’s hair as she slept in his arms. To say the evening had been emotionally charged was understatement. He was oblivious to so much about Hildy and her past, and he was powerless to help her until he had a better handle on what she was dealing with. He suspected even Sully didn’t understand the full extent of the damage.

  The plan for the night before had been to keep the subject matter light and transition into some simple rope bondage. He’d known at supper things weren’t going to go as planned. As hard as Hildy tried to hide it, her face was broadcasting her struggle in HD and they’d spent enough time together over the past weeks for him to know this self-harm thing probably wasn’t new.

  What the fuck was he doing wrong? There was no question she liked the idea of bondage. He wrapped her up like a mummy every fucking night before they went to sleep, and she was more than good with it. The squirming she so desperately tried to hide when she saw others all roped up was further evidence of her interest. So why was it whenever he brought the rope out, she lost it? Blanket bondage was all well and good for blow-jobs, but it didn’t lend itself well to much of anything else he enjoyed.

  Perhaps he could come up with a gradual transition from blanket to rope. He continued to stroke Hildy’s hair as he considered his options. It didn’t take him long to come up with an action plan with options dependent on Hildy’s reactions. He kissed the top of her head and gave her a gentle squeeze. “Wake up, sleepyhead, it’s time to get up, and I smell coffee.”

  “Five more minutes.” Hildy whined and snuggled deeper into Wilson’s embrace.

  After one more squeeze, Wilson pulled away and unwrapped Hildy’s blanket. “Nope, it’s time to get up. We’ve got a busy day ahead.”

  “How’s that? We didn’t make any plans for today.” Hildy stretched her arms above her head, then rubbed her eyes. “What if I already have plans?”

  “Do you?”

  “Well, no. But I could have.”

  “No more talking. You’re too grumpy before you’ve had c
offee.” Wilson climbed out of bed and got dressed. He grabbed Hildy’s clothes and laid them on the bed for her. “Here, put these on. We’ll have coffee here, then go back to your place to get showered and clean clothes. I’ll have your coffee ready for you by the time you get to the kitchen.” He turned and left, not waiting for a response. He considered Hildy’s pre-coffee grumpiness. Yes, it could be frustrating, but it’s part of who she was, so he would work around it.

  Damn he was bossy. Why the hell did she put up with it? Life had been so much easier when she didn’t have a man in it. What right did he have to make plans for her day without discussing them first, anyway?

  Hildy got up and made the bed before slipping into her clothes. She picked up her blanket and held it to her face a moment before shaking it out to fold it. She reconsidered and hurled it on the bed. She was getting too attached. One stupid present and she was ready to change the way she lived her life?

  She needed to get the fuck out, now. She gathered her belongings and took one last, wistful look at the blanket, then slipped out of the bedroom. For once luck was on her side, she could hear Wil, Mac, and Finn in the kitchen. She tip-toed her way to the front door, pausing only long enough to slide into her shoes and snag her coat off the hook.

  The deadbolt was well-oiled and opened without a sound. As soon as she was outside, Hildy twisted the doorknob to keep the latch from snapping as she eased the door closed. So far, so good. She raced to her car, thankful she’d parked on the street. She wouldn’t have to waste valuable time backing out of the driveway.

  Once she was safely away, coffee was her first priority. She considered going to Sully’s, but solitude was more appealing. She’d had enough of bossy men for a while. Her phone rang and at the next stop light, she turned it off without bothering to check who had called. She didn’t care. Dammit, chances were good someone, probably Wil, would show up at her house before too long, and she wasn’t up for that yet. She spotted a coffee shop and pulled into the parking lot.