I shrugged.
Brandy said oh Purdue don’t miss it.
She said you’ll never forget it.
38
…getting married is as easy as rolling off a log but it don't make nowhere near as much sense…
Monroe D. Underwood
On Monday morning 1 found Rube sitting alone on the park bench.
He said I just been doing some tall thinking and I got this here town all figgered out.
I sat beside him and lit a fishhook Camel.
I said let’s hear your theory.
Rube said okay leave us consider the factors involved.
He said this is a town what don’t got a church in sight.
I said I’d noticed that.
Rube said this town holds baseball balls on Sunday nights during which drunk bartenders takes off their clothes and wrecks fire engines.
He gestured toward the smoking ruins of the firehouse.
I shrugged.
Rube said this town’s baseball team is solid left-handed.
He said the citizens worship a guy what massacred a dozen men and the cemetery owner ain’t buried nobody in fifty years.
I said okay where are we?
Rube said son don’t you get the drift?
I shook my head.
Rube leaned toward me.
His voice was hoarse with horror.
He said why boy we is in Hell!
I grinned.
Rube said you know what part really locked it in?
He said Hell got to be the only place where a feller could get saddled with a hunnert-percent left-handed ball club.
We watched Moose meander across the street.
Moose said there is something supposed to happen today only I forgot what.
Rube said we got a ball game.
Moose said that’s right.
He said Rube you sure got a good whatchacallit.
Rube said memory.
Moose said see there?
He said you just proved it.
Moose sat on the bench with us.
He said did we eat breakfast yet?
Rube said are you hungry?
Moose said you better believe it.
Rube said then we ain’t ate breakfast yet.
I said Rube why don’t you chuck this baseball thing and get married?
Rube said I’m so busy running from Tillie Zilch I don’t got time to get married.
Moose said I wonder how long it takes a man to starve to death.
I said it’s never too late Rube.
Rube said the hell it ain’t.
He said getting married is for young fokes.
He said all there is for old fokes is being lonely.
He picked up a pebble and flipped it at an oak tree.
I caught the glimmer of a tear on his leathery cheek.
Rube said son you don’t know the first thing about being lonely.
Moose said well maybe he don’t know nothing about being lonely but I could write a book about being hungry.
39
…a umpire is a thoroughly honest man what nobody on earth trusts…
Monroe D. Underwood
We stood at the clubhouse door where Rube checked off the names of the arriving athletes.
Gaylord Messerschmitt was the last to show.
The wooden-legged catcher carried a small black satchel.
Rube said whatcha got in the satchel?
Moose said he probly got a bomb to blow up that catchers’ convention he was talking about.
Gaylord Messerschmitt’s piercing gray-green eyes lit up like neon signs.
He said that’s right.
He said I built it myself.
He said I got the plans out of the Christian Science Monitor.
Rube grinned and winked at Gaylord Messerschmitt.
He said that’s all right son.
He said just so’s you ain’t doing nothing dangerous.
The Creepy Hollow Vampires were taking batting practice when Tillie Zilch waved from her box seat behind the third base dugout.
As we approached her she made a neat backhand stab of a looping foul ball.
Rube nudged me.
He said if Tillie could hit the curve ball I’d have her in there this afternoon.
Tillie threw the ball to Rube.
She said that’s fifty-two-thirty-two.
Rube nodded and wrote on the ball.
He tossed it back to Tillie and she dropped it into her purse without looking at it.
She said it’s always the same old stuff.
Attila Honeywell trotted up.
He said that first base area sounds all hollow like a goddam bass drum.
He said them big black ants is up to something.
Rube said son how come them big black ants don’t never bother nobody but you?
Attila Honeywell said I been wondering about that myself.
Five minutes before game time I spotted Brandy sitting near first base.
She smiled and licked her lips slowly.
We settled into the dugout and Rube sent Moose to home plate with the Stranger City lineup.
When Moose returned he said the ump just throwed me out of the game.
Rube said the goddam game ain’t even started yet so how could he throw you out of it?
Moose said all I done was ask if he wanted me to read the lineup to him.
Rube said well put on another shirt and he’ll think you’re somebody else.
When Timothy Glumphwick strode to the pitcher’s mound there were fifty-seven people in the park.
Including both teams.
The only customers were Tillie and Brandy and Brayfuss and Gilda Fitzhugh.
I said isn’t somebody going to sing the national anthem?
Rube said what for?
He said there ain’t nobody here to listen to it.
The big home plate umpire raised his arms.
In a booming voice he said I do hereby proclaim this to be the appropriate ripping moment for this ripping athletic contest to begin.
Rube stared at me.
He said anyplace else I ever been they just say play ball.
He said which serves to strengthen my contention that this ain’t like anyplace else I ever been.
Timothy Glumphwick’s first three pitches tore smoking holes in the backstop screen.
The fourth pitch hit the Creepy Hollow leadoff man on the leg and he was transported to first base on a stretcher.
Glumphwick nailed the second batter in the ribs.
This resulted in the second batter rolling on the ground and foaming at the mouth for several minutes.
Glumphwick clobbered the third Creepy Hollow hitter on the shoulder thereby bowling over Gaylord Messerschmitt and the home plate umpire.
Rube said get the derrick Moose.
He said he’ll bust the next guy in the head and we’ll all go up for murder.
Moose hiked out to the mound.
He was there for several minutes.
He returned without Timothy Glumphwick.
He said Glumphwick ain’t coming out.
Rube said who says he ain’t coming out?
Moose said Glumphwick.
Rube sighed.
He glanced down at Count Frazzlewitz.
The Count had just polished off a brace of Louisville Sluggers.
Rube spoke briefly and The Count bounded onto the playing field.
In a moment he had Glumphwick by the seat of his baseball knickers and the pitcher was dragged kicking and screaming into the dugout.
Rube gave him a reproachful look.
He said son in case you don’t know who is running this here baseball team it just happens to be me.
Unexpected Kittzenwolf was summoned from the bull pen.
He was a dark-browed glowering man who had enjoyed a cup of coffee with Brooklyn during the war.
He was in the middle of a pitcher’s nightmare.
Bases loaded and no
body out.
Kittzenwolf picked up the resin bag.
He glared at the runner on third base.
The runner took a long leadoff.
He danced around.
He waved his arms.
He was inviting a throw.
He got one.
It sailed high over third baseman Isoroku Yabuki’s head and into the seats.
The runner on third base grinned with delight.
He jogged toward home plate.
Unexpected Kittzenwolf’s throw to Gaylord Messerschmitt cut him down by twenty feet.
Unexpected Kittzenwolf had heaved the resin bag into the seats.
He had kept the baseball.
The home plate umpire made a violent motion with his right fist.
He roared this ripping runner is out.
The third base umpire raced to the plate.
He said this runner is not out.
He said the throwing of resin bags is illegal.
He said furthermore it is a great waste of resin.
The home plate umpire put his hands on his hips.
He said perhaps you have neglected to notice that I am the ripping umpire-in-chief.
He said I am the ripping master of all I survey.
He said I am as God.
The third base umpire said you are drunk with power.
The home plate umpire said you are out of this ripping ball game.
The third base umpire said you can’t throw me out of the game.
He said I am the third base umpire.
The home plate umpire said I don’t give a rip if you are the lord ripping mayor of ripping London you are out of this ripping ball game.
The third base umpire said how would you like to go rip yourself?
There was a threatening rumbling sound and the entire first base area caved in.
Attila Honeywell plummeted into the depths of the big black ant colony.
Timothy Glumphwick said well them big black ants got ole Attila Honeywell at last.
Moose said yes but what do they want with him?
Timothy Glumphwick said maybe they need a first baseman.
Moose said well that may be very true but it still don’t explain what they want with Attila Honeywell.
While Attila Honeywell was being dragged to safety the home plate umpire raised his arms.
He said by the ripping power vested in me as ripping umpire-in-chief I do hereby declare this ripping ball game called off.
The four customers began to leave.
Rube sat motionless on the bench.
His elbows were on his knees and his head was in his hands.
I said are you all right Rube?
Rube looked up.
He said son I think there is something wrong here but I can’t quite put my finger on it.
We heard the shurff’s Model A pass the ball park.
The notes of the ancient barrel organ danced goldensweet through the June afternoon.
Rube looked at Moose.
He said don’t say it.
Moose said I wasn’t going to say nothing Rube.
He said I was just wondering what’s the name of that tune.
40
…I am probly the only man what receives get-sick cards…
Monroe D. Underwood
When we came into the hotel the desk clerk said them Bobby Crackers Blitzkrieg for Christ trucks been rolling into town all afternoon.
He said must of been twenny-five or more.
He said you fellows going to attend?
Rube said well that would depend on whether there is anything else to attend.
The desk clerk said you could go to the possum races over at the bowling house.
Moose said hey Rube that sounds like a hell of a evening.
The desk clerk said watch out for that possum on alley five.
He said he goes out winging.
Rube said by God I can’t hardly wait to attend that Bobby Crackers Blitzkrieg for Christ.
The desk clerk said oh just a minute Mr. Mountainstill.
He handed Rube a large white envelope.
He said that lady with the pretty eyes left it for you.
Rube opened the envelope and took out a card.
He looked at it and passed it to me.
It was beautiful.
It showed the silhouettes of a man and woman walking hand-in-hand into the sunset.
On the bottom in smooth flowing script was Rube I Love You.
It was signed Tillie.
Rube said maybe that will give you a idea of what I been up agin.
He said son have you ever heard of a war of attrition?
I shrugged.
I said somewhere.
Rube said well there comes a time when a army just ain’t got nothing left to fight with.
Rube climbed the stairs slowly.
The way old men climb stairs.
The white handkerchief hanging from his hip pocket flopped back and forth.
Almost like a flag of surrender.
41
…a unusual moment is just a usual moment what went berserk…
Monroe D. Underwood
I stood by the rear window smoking a swaybacked Camel.
Brandy paced the floor.
She was all business now.
Her liquid brown eyes flashed excitedly.
She said Purdue tonight the chickens will come home to roost.
I said I thought they came home this afternoon.
Brandy smiled.
She said oh I enjoyed that immensely.
She said it was brief but it was simply brimming with unusual moments.
I said one of which was seeing you with your clothes on.
Brandy said sorry about that.
She said I’ll be at the Blitzkrieg for Christ tonight but don’t look for me.
She said I’ll catch up with you later.
I said when do you want to type my report to Chericola?
Brandy said tomorrow.
She said have you decided just how you’ll do it?
I shrugged.
I said I’ll make it like a letter.
I said I’ll just say Dear Cool Lips and give him the whole shot.
I said this franchise isn’t worth five cents and I’m going to tell him so.
I said the guy who sold it to him will probably wind up in a Pontiac trunk.
I said Chericola won’t take this lying down.
Brandy snapped her fingers.
She said speaking of lying down.
42
…Impotency is no longer being able to do what you probly had no goddam business doing in the first place…
Monroe D. Underwood
The Bobby Crackers Blitzkrieg for Christ had moved into a field at the extreme south end of Stranger City.
We arrived at twilight and it was a sight to behold.
The huge main tent was festooned with thousands of light bulbs of every imaginable color.
On its center pole a gigantic golden cross was illuminated by floodlights.
Tiny red and white striped tents dotted the grassy field.
There was something medieval about it all.
I half-expected to see Ivanhoe ride by.
We wandered among the little tents.
Here was the Italian sausage tent with fat sausages sputtering and smoking over a fiery bed of charcoal.
There was the hot dog tent with pink frankfurters cavorting playfully in a great caldron of boiling water.
We saw an ice cream tent and a lemonade tent and a popcorn tent.
We saw a tent where bumper stickers and pennants were sold.
I looked at the pennants.
Bobby Crackers Blitzkrieg for Christ.
I Love Bobby Crackers and God.
The Devil Is Afraid of Bobby Crackers.
The bumper stickers were of the glow-in-the-dark variety.
Jesus Saves.
Jesus Answers Prayer.
God Is Love.
Honk If You Love Bobby Crackers.
We stopped at the Bible tent.
We saw big white Bibles and little black Bibles and medium-sized brown Bibles.
We saw gold Bibles and purple Bibles and leopard-spotted Bibles.
We saw a Bobby Fire Crackers Bible.
It was done in red plastic and it was guaranteed by Bobby Crackers to wake somebody up.
We saw The Bible As It Should Have Been Written in the First Place.
The Bible As It Should Have Been Written in the First Place had been written by Bobby Crackers.
We came to a tent that sold Bobby Crackers songbooks and Bobby Crackers sheet music and Bobby Crackers recordings.
Another tent sold Bobby Crackers dolls.
Rube grunted.
He said you wind one up and it takes up a collection.
Moose said hey Rube this is just like a carnival.
He said I wonder do they got a Bobby Crackers roulette wheel.
Rube said well right about now it wouldn’t surprise me if they had Bobby Crackers belly dancers.
We passed the Bobby Crackers shooting gallery where people blazed away at little red devils.
We passed the Bobby Crackers Ferris wheel with its sign that said Get Closer to God.
We passed the Bobby Crackers roulette wheel.
We entered the main tent.
Its floor was ankle-deep in fresh sawdust.
A sea of wooden benches sprawled in a vast half-moon to the foot of the blue velvet draped stage.
We found seats in the middle of the tent and Count Frazzlewitz snuggled down and got busy on a bench leg.
There was charged expectancy in the air and every seat was filled fifteen minutes before meeting time.
Moose said hey Rube this here Blitzkrieg drawed more people than the ball game.
Rube said yeah but we got the best show.
He said we got Attila Honeywell and his big black ant act.
A gentle breeze wafted the smells of food through the tent.
Women chattered and giggled and men pawed nervously through paperback hymnals.
There was the incessant howl of unhappy babies.
Moose said babies is always unhappy at revival meetings.
He said there got to be a reason.
Rube said of course there is a reason.
He said happy babies is barred from revival meetings.
He said they is carefully screened.
The Stranger City Caper Page 8