by Sue MacKay
‘Ready to try that tea?’ Kristof asked.
She nodded, her gaze lingering on him. His size filled the bathroom, his presence stole the air and her sense of gravity, made her head swirl. This man was the father of her baby. Unbelievable really, that he’d been keen enough to make love to her every night for a whole week and then welcome her into his home here in London when they weren’t supposed to see each other again. A soft breath trickled over her lips. If only he could see her as a woman to spend his future with. If only she hadn’t gone and fallen in love with him.
A steady hand took her elbow, and she was led out to the bedroom. ‘Get back into bed until you’re feeling one hundred per cent again. I’ll bring your tea here.’
‘I should be all right now. One bout at a time seems to be how it plays out for me.’
‘Bed. Now.’ There was a thread of command in his husky voice.
Alesha obeyed. She was quite liking having someone in charge for a few minutes. It gave her time to get her strength back and stop thinking about Kristof as anything other than the father of her child.
His head appeared around the door. ‘Are you ready for a piece of toast? Dry or buttered?’
She shook her head. ‘Just the tea. I’ll eat when we get to the market.’
‘You still want to go?’
Yes, she wanted to have that talk about how they were going to deal with being joint parents in separate homes, and it would be easier on her to do that away from this opulent apartment that needed knocking into comfortable, used shape. The atmosphere intimidated her at moments when she relaxed too far. She could not imagine a small child crawling around the place getting slobber on the carpet or a chair leg. ‘I adore markets.’
One dark eyebrow arched and his mouth twitched. ‘Should I hire a trailer for the morning’s shopping?’
‘A very large one.’
‘You a shopaholic by any chance?’ The question was laden.
‘Nope. I like browsing and daydreaming but I don’t usually buy up large.’ Though there was a baby growing in her tummy. ‘Though I might be tempted to get a teddy bear today.’
‘Alesha.’ The laughter had gone from his voice. ‘Don’t rush it. You’re only a few weeks pregnant.’
Her skin tightened. ‘You think I’m tempting fate?’
‘I’m being super-cautious.’
‘You’re frightening me, is what you’re doing.’
Immediately he was beside the bed, reaching for her hand to squeeze it gently. ‘Sorry. I don’t mean to.’
‘Then why did you? Do you always look for the bad in things?’
Her hand fell from his as he stepped back. ‘I’ll make that tea.’
‘Why are you avoiding my question?’
‘I’m trying to come up with an answer.’
Looking back to their nights in Dubrovnik, she realised there’d been other times when he had changed the subject if she’d asked something personal. Oh, he’d have answers all right, just not ones he wanted to share. Great. Worked well for a relationship even of the kind they were planning—not. ‘I would like to learn more about you.’
But he’d gone. Alesha huffed as she sat on the bed and leaned back against the headboard. Bet it took longer than usual to make the tea. Kristof wouldn’t be in a hurry to talk to her now.
* * *
‘So much for breakfast,’ Kristof commented when they got to the market. The place was humming and the food cart had a queue to Africa. He’d thought the cooler weather might’ve kept people indoors, but apparently not. ‘I should’ve made you something at home.’ But then he’d have had to face up to some of Alesha’s questions. She might’ve only asked one that morning, but answer it and there’d be more.
‘I’m going to the bread stall to get something. I’m starving,’ she told him. ‘Then I’m grabbing a coffee. What about you?’
‘Suits me perfectly. You meant to drink coffee?’
A look of annoyance lashed him. ‘Okay, tea. You can’t avoid talking about our baby just because we’re not sitting down to breakfast. We’ve got all day.’
He winced. ‘Actually we haven’t. I’ve got a wedding to attend this afternoon.’
Rocking back on her heels, Alesha glared at him. ‘Thanks for telling me.’
‘I didn’t see the need. We’ve got a few hours this morning.’
‘Really?’ She shoved the sleeve of her thick jacket up and held her wrist in front of him so he could read the time.
Another wince. Not hours, barely an hour before he had to get home to spruce himself up. ‘Right, food first. We’ll take it and the coffee over to one of the park benches.’
She didn’t move. ‘Are you trying to get out of this discussion by any chance?’ One hand gripped a hip.
A hip he remembered kissing all too well. Which was totally inappropriate right now, and clouded the issue between them. ‘No, but the morning did get away on us.’
With you being sick and me taking my time making your cup of tea so you might forget what you’d asked.
‘Alesha, I understand you want to know where we’re at and what the way forward might be.’
She did a funny twisty thing with her head as she continued that stare. ‘Good. Then let’s get down to it—while we’re munching on food.’
‘Surrounded by crowds and having to shout to be heard?’ He shook his head before taking her elbow and leading her to the bread stall. ‘What would you like?’
‘Two chocolate croissants.’
Hardly healthy food for junior, but he daredn’t comment, merely ordered said croissants and a bacon butty for himself. At the stall next door he got a long black and a tea before they walked across to a bench, only to lose it when they were yards away. ‘Blast.’
Alesha placed her tea on the path between her feet and began devouring a croissant, chocolate smearing across her upper lip.
He itched to wipe it away with his finger, or, better yet, lick it up. Instead he bit into his butty and chewed and chewed. Bacon was his favourite morning kick-start, but nothing was happening today. Sipping the over-hot coffee added to his woes when it burned his tongue. ‘At least we can be thankful you don’t have to return to New Zealand.’
There was that despairing look again. ‘We covered this last night.’
Just kicking off the talk. ‘Are you sure you’re happy settling down in England? I mean, why don’t you want to go home to have your baby?’ It was imperative he knew. Suddenly he couldn’t imagine what it would be like if she did up sticks and return home, where she must have some friends, if not family. Not to have Alesha near was beginning to worry him. And this wasn’t about the baby. This was a leftover from their time in Croatia. Or was it? He didn’t know. Didn’t understand a thing that had happened, or been said, since those words had spilled out between them.
I’m pregnant.
‘The baby’s father lives in England.’ The reply was too quick, as if she didn’t want to say anything about what or who was—or wasn’t—back in New Zealand. ‘Are you afraid I’ll take the baby away from you?’ Now there was concern—for him—in her eyes.
He preferred the despair. ‘I’d like you to be happy with where you are, secure in the knowledge you’re doing the right thing by you and the baby.’ Could he ask about her family without upsetting her too much? He would have to know some time.
‘If I go south you’ll take visiting rights twice a year. Fly in for a few days, have a great time at the amusement park with your child, and fly out again.’ Despite the tartness in her voice that concern was still there; growing even.
He had to stop it, which meant not asking the big questions—yet. ‘I want the best for you both. That’s all.’
‘Who hurt you, Kristof? Not your mother, surely? She worships the ground you walk on.’
You’re right. She didn’t.
<
br /> But she was right about one thing. ‘I hurt her.’ Too much information. In his haste to stop this conversation he’d added fuel to the fire.
‘That explains it.’ Alesha was nodding as she bit into her second croissant.
Now he was in for it, if he didn’t stop her in her tracks. ‘Let’s go look for that teddy bear.’
She sagged forward. ‘I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t you head home and get yourself ready for the wedding and I’ll do my own thing?’
‘Alesha, I’m...’
‘You know what? I don’t care what you’re about to say. We’ll have this conversation when you’ve had time to think about what you really want and in the meantime I’ll get on with preparing for motherhood.’ Hurt dripped off every word. The paper cup of tea spilled across the path as she turned to throw the remains of her food in the nearby bin. ‘See you another time.’ Her back was tight as she stalked away.
Kristof ached for her, but his feet were glued to the path. He’d achieved diversion—and hated himself for it. But telling her the truth about his sorry background and how he’d hurt his mother by believing his father? It was never going to happen. He never talked about that to anybody, and wasn’t about to start.
So best he did what he was told and go get ready for his friend’s wedding, his day of happiness.
His eyes were fixed on the back of Alesha’s head as she pushed through the crowd. Admiration for her standing up to him grew. She was a fighter, in her own way. By walking away she’d handed the ball back to him. What better woman could his child have for a mother? None that he could think of. But then his thinking was all askew since he’d met her, so what did he know?
Only that she was better off without him in her life, and now he had to remain on the outside looking in, supporting her without touching her in any way, shape or form. He hadn’t taken up the opportunity of having affairs when Cally had revealed hers, but what if he had his father’s genes, those ones in particular? Even the best marriages had times when they didn’t run smoothly. Was that when he’d show his true colours?
CHAPTER NINE
ALESHA THOUGHT ABOUT that week in Dubrovnik, how it had started out so badly and finished on a high. Her sigh was bitter sweet. If Luke had gone with her as planned her life would be so different right now. There wouldn’t be a baby on the way. Love wouldn’t be contracting her heart. She’d never have spent time at the Croatian children’s home and found she was ready to settle down instead of planning her next trip for when this current contract ended.
‘The bedrooms are small but there’s lots of light,’ the estate agent told her. ‘And there’s a little yard at the back with a patio where you could grow a few shrubs.’
The house did nothing for her. Neither had the previous two she’d seen. ‘I’m sorry.’ A backyard in New Zealand was huge compared to this postage-stamp-sized one.
You don’t live there any more.
How true.
‘Well, I don’t have any more properties to show you at the moment.’ The woman strode through the house. ‘You might have to rethink your prerequisites or come up with more money to get what you want.’
Best to sort out other things first. ‘I’ll think about those options.’ The woman wasn’t overly friendly, not like the two sales people she’d been out with during the previous few days. They hadn’t given up on her yet, had more viewings for next week. ‘Thank you very much for showing me these houses.’
‘She doesn’t believe I can afford a property,’ Alesha told Kristof over the phone that evening when they connected for a chat as they’d done every couple of nights since their disagreement in the market over two weeks ago.
‘Didn’t she ask you pertinent questions before taking you viewing?’ Kristof’s voice was always warm and sexy over the phone, almost as if their disagreement hadn’t happened, and reminding her of what she couldn’t have. If only she could see his face, his eyes.
No wonder she got little sleep at night. Kristof’s voice was always there, reminding her of the boat ride to Cavtat, the charity dinner where she’d bought those vouchers, the walk around the Old City, and the lovemaking—sorry, sex—in her snazzy little apartment. Exhaustion had become a part of her day, and baby wasn’t responsible for all of it.
‘I filled out a fair amount of paperwork, yes. But a part of me thinks I’m being negative without trying.’
‘You might not be ready to make a decision like this.’ He drew a breath. ‘You can stay with me when you stop work if that’ll give you breathing space while you make up your mind. Or I can buy that apartment around the corner from here. If it doesn’t work out it will still give you time to come up with an alternative.’
Then she’d be beholden to him. Buying an apartment in high-end London wasn’t exactly like getting the fish that was on special for dinner. Or maybe it was for Kristof. How wealthy was he? His home, clothes, his car, all spoke of money, but what would she know coming from her background where clothes came from chain stores? As for cars and houses, she didn’t know what her parents had now. When the world tipped upside down because of Ryan’s illness the car had been an average family wagon, and the house middle class newish in Christchurch. She’d gone to see it before leaving for England but it’d been wrecked in the earthquake and bowled over by bulldozers. Seemingly, her parents had walked away with the insurance pay-out in their pockets.
‘Alesha?’
‘That’s a lovely offer but I’ll keep looking.’
‘You pushing me away again?’
‘No. Again.’ Or was she? ‘Kristof, can we take things one at a time? The house issue is not urgent...’
‘Do you understand how long it can take for a purchase to go through?’ he interrupted.
‘Anything from a few days to a few weeks.’
‘That might be the case where you come from, but not here. There are months involved with this.’
‘Up the pressure, why don’t you?’ But she should’ve thought to ask about that. Showed how mixed up her brain was these days. ‘About taking things one at a time, I’m having a scan tomorrow.’
‘I’ve got surgery.’
He hadn’t asked what time her appointment was. ‘I see.’ She really did. The blinkers had been lifting, now they were wide open. For all his offers of help regarding most things to do with the baby, he did not want to be a part of the pregnancy. So he was going to remain remote when it came to interacting with the baby. Her heart broke for their child. She knew all too well what that felt like, the hurt and bewilderment that followed her through life, the questions about what she’d done to earn the brush-off. Wasn’t she good enough? For them? Her baby would not know that. Would not. Her heart also snapped for herself. They were not going to become a ‘couple’.
‘Kristof,’ she snapped. Then swallowed and took a calming breath, though it went nowhere near to slowing her angry pulse rate. ‘Are you sure you do not want to see your baby for the first time at the scan? Are you telling me this doesn’t matter to you at all?’
Silence. Long and awkward.
She waited, holding her breath. Then had to draw in air, and wait again. In the end she said, ‘Think about it. Goodnight, Kristof,’ and hung up.
Gutted. That was how she felt. Hollowed out and stomped on. The man she loved was dodging the important issues involving his child. Every parent she knew had said that first scan was exciting beyond description. Even a man with commitment issues would want to be there. Wouldn’t he? It was why she’d mentioned the appointment, not wanting to have him feel he was missing out. She’d got that wrong, hadn’t she? It wasn’t as though she’d been asking for something for herself.
‘Why?’ she cried as tears streamed down her cheeks. She hadn’t asked for a marriage proposal or the signing over of all Kristof’s assets into the baby’s name. Only involvement.
Her phone rang. ‘Krist
of’ flicked up on the screen.
This had better be good. ‘Yes?’
‘What time?’
‘Five-thirty.’ She gave the name of the hospital.
‘I’ll be there.’
‘I’m glad. For your sake.’ She wasn’t saying it would be nice to have him with her for this important appointment. He’d pull out. Instead he had to do it for himself and the baby.
Alesha ended the call and stared at the mess on the kitchen bench. Everyone had left in a hurry that morning, leaving dishes and empty bread bags lying around. For once she didn’t care.
She’d done it. Kristof was coming. Because she’d pricked his conscience? Or because he’d taken a minute to rethink his instant refusal? It didn’t matter. She’d stuck up for her baby. She, who spent most of her life trying to please people rather than create waves, had put her baby before her own needs. While having Kristof there during the scan would help her, it was the baby she needed to be able to tell later ‘when your father and I first saw you’, not have to dodge the question of why Dad wasn’t there.
* * *
Kristof was late through no fault of his own. ‘I’m five minutes away.’
‘I’ll try to get the radiology tech to hold off, but she’s wanting to finish for the day.’ Alesha sounded peeved, as well she might.
But welcome to his world where patients came first, and often second and third. Often? Always. Things were going to have to change if he took this fathering thing seriously. Why wouldn’t he? He was not going to be his father. No kid deserved that.
So you’re going to buy a house outside the city and ask Alesha to marry you so you can all play happy families?
He tripped up the steps leading into the unit. Trying to do the right thing by the baby and Alesha was impossible when they were at odds. The baby needed all he could provide without him getting close; Alesha did not need him as a husband who was only there to provide the basics. He wasn’t marrying without involving his heart. Back to the beginning. Full circle. No marriage. His mouth dried, and his heart slowed.